Claudiu's Journal

Journals
444

The main change since visiting Geoffrey has been that everything’s a lot more straightforward now, I have managed to disabuse myself that I will continue on (it took many repeated times running into that wall again and realizing I’m doing it haha). This really brought into sharp focus just the enormity of it all, with repeated "… fuck!!"s going on in my head as I re-realized it each time haha. I could also see how it was like there’s a funnel that keeps sloping more downwards, and if I really jumped into it fully it would be like a free-fall, which I felt the potency of it. And the fear and dread of it I was feeling fully, but excitedly proceeding anyway.

Then on May 24th at 6:48pm there was an intriguing experience where I was experiencing incredible potency of pure intent, and something certainly happened to me, I even saw it in my visual field shifting, it’s like everything came to a point, then started to separate out down and to the right before coming back, but it didn’t come back to exactly where it was before. I don’t quite know what to make of it yet, the main thing is that things are even more straightforward after that, which I experience as being again there being less in the way of actuality, and also I haven’t felt the fear or dread at the face of extinction anymore, but also I don’t feel a constant acceleration towards actuality, so I don’t really know yet :man_shrugging: lol. I would say it like I am now in the position where it’s clear which direction to go , and have no doubt that I can do it and that it will work, and it’s just a matter of ehm… actually doing it lol. It feels like the last pieces of “do i really want this forever?” getting myself on board, but that I do still need to answer that question in the affirmative. The other interesting thing is before I experienced it like there was no brakes anymore, yet I could still put on the gas more or less… now I experience it like not only are there no brakes, but there’s no gas pedal either. There’s nothing I can do to make the process happen faster or slower, it happens at the pace it happens. However I am still able to sort of squirm away from it, it’s not like the process can pull me forward against my will, if that makes sense. But when my will is aligned then off it goes. Even though this makes it sound like I have some control over it, I wouldn’t really put it that way. When I am aligned there’s nothing I can do to accelerate or pause it. But I am able to still ‘misalign’ myself.

I say this not as advice but just description of what is happening lol, and if Vineeto and/or Geoffrey have any advice they can read it and see… but the way forward is clear enough, continue appreciating the enormity of the stakes of total extinction, and see if it really is what I really want, as it is for keepsies.

Cheers,
Claudiu

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This is just crazy, forgetting about the caring aspect lol. That just speaks volumes as to my nature

Of course I remember about caring now lol, now that I been reminded. I just can’t believe how self centered / self centric I am, it’s truly staggering

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Kub933's Journal
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Ok so now that I somewhat care again (lol) it all makes sense

It is obvious to me that I muck things up in the sense that an actually free Claudiu (which won’t be me!!! Lol) will be much better for everyone (most specifically my partner and my work and my family and the current fellow actualists and for spreading peace on earth therefrom)

Physically dying as in killing myself wouldn’t be a caring act, actually it’s selfish which is sort of funny.

But self immolating is a caring act because it actually benefits those others mentioned above

So it’s more just a question of am I willing to give myself up (that which I value most) in exchange for something of greater value outside of myself (the benefit to others), which includes this body (but this body isn’t me!!! Lol)

And as there is the blesséd (or is it blessèd?) aspect anyway it’s also a win for me too as it’s what I want anyway

At this point it’s more like a , I wouldn’t even be able to live with myself if I don’t lol, how self centered??

/ramble mode off

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Kub933's Journal
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Also it’s just like wayyyyy more fun to go through life caring :smile: . I experience myself with a lot more zest and vitality and sheer “the-fun-of-it”-ness now that this ingredient is back

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Hey Claudiu, awesome to hear about your trip - would be cool to read a report if you want to :eyes:

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Hi Felix,

I’m not sure I will write A Report™, as in “Claudiu’s Report™ of Visiting Geoffrey”

I was prompted to write #1592 to attempt to assist Kuba and also writing down what I found beneficial for myself with regards to getting closer to self-immolation (also see the follow-ups in #1599 and #1600).

Maybe what would be beneficial is to highlight just how appealing actual freedom is, how clearly and obviously appealing it is to be that way, which interacting with an actually free person demonstrates readily.

There’s an effortless and remarkable ease of existence that I witnessed with Geoffrey. For me I was able to be completely un-self-conscious and I had a wonderful time conversing with him about whatever it is. It was delightful because no matter where the conversation turned, there was never any ‘friction’, no seriousness came up… I knew that we could go into any topic to any depth and it would be the same, regardless whether I disagreed or not. Whereas already soon after I got back home I saw how different it was with other feeling-beings, at a certain point something ‘turns’, there’s some rubbing or friction (even little stuff, not even anywhere near to the point of becoming annoyed let alone angry), it’s not… clean. I was able to be clean with Geoffrey as there was nothing from his side.

At one point I realized that he must be like that with everyone, that effortless way of interacting, and he confirmed this is the case. It was evident anyways: the people we met out and about like waiters and waitresses always interacted favorably with him, with many smiles and laughter.

My visit prompted a conversation between him and his wife where his wife shared what it was like for her living with him. Two things stood out: one is that she came to see their home as a refuge, a safe space that she could basically come back to from the chaos of the ‘real world’ (my words). The second was that she knew that no matter what, when she got home to Geoffrey, he would be good. As in, there would not be an issue or something he was having. This is distinct with normal people where no matter how generally happy someone is, they will have bad days or emotional issues or whatnot, and they will not be ‘good’ when you get home to them, and it’ll be something to deal with. But coming home to Geoffrey, he is always good. I thought this was remarkable and shows that there is no conflict with an actually free person living with feeling-beings, even with those closest to them, even when they have nothing to do with actualism.

This was after some years of living with him. Geoffrey also said something along the lines of, when you become actually free, to other people you will be basically the same, like they won’t even necessarily notice you being any different from one day to the next, even though for you the experience will be totally different.

As more of an anecdote, I found his eyes remarkably striking. There was a certain… clarity to them, an intensity whilst simultaneously an ease of existing. I didn’t quite know how to put my finger on it or how to describe it, but there was something special about it. When I got back home to my partner, and looked into her eyes, I immediately saw why: with my partner, there is something “in the way” – her identity (this is on top of my identity which is already in the way). With Geoffrey there was nothing “in the way” at all from his side. I am not sure this is something other feeling-beings would notice per se but it was something I noticed.

With regards to how he was as compared to Richard and Vineeto, I experienced him to be essentially the same way of being conscious as them. Sitting on a bench in a nearby forest-park, there was no difference at all between Geoffrey and the trees themselves. The trees are the universe and he is the universe experiencing itself as a flesh and blood body. The palpable stillness of the universe is the same as the stillness that he experiences himself as, I experienced both as inviting me in just the same way.

Another interesting thing he imparted to me was just how much social identity can remain even for the basically free people. In other words, the ‘bar’ to basic actual freedom is really not that high. You don’t have to clean up all or even nearly all of your social identity issues… that being said, simultaneously it is still absolutely everything for me to self-immolate, as I (the feeling-being) am indeed fully going extinct, make no mistake about it. But you don’t have to clean up every last thing. It’s more a matter of seeing the way to oblivion and going there, full-on.

Essentially the take-away I want to impart is that it is clearly a beneficial and better way to be alive, and there’s no downsides at all to it, nothing of ultimate value that one has to give up such that it would affect one’s association with other feeling-beings, even those that have nothing to do with actualism. I only have to give up myself, in my entirety, to allow this body to be free and for everyone around to palpably and tangibly benefit (immensely so) as a result of this worthy sacrifice which is fully and completely the end of me. I want to emphasize that last part: from how I understand it now (as not having done it yet this is not a report): it is not that I become free… it is that I go extinct, and allow this body to continue being conscious without me, which body being conscious is what will benefit those other bodies being conscious, but for me the feeling-being it is the same as if the body were to physically die, i.e. the end of everything, in totality.

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Kub933's Journal
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Wow incredible, I especially enjoyed the bits about his interactions with you, his wife and others. I have observed something similar on this forum which I called to myself “the pacifying effect” of Vineeto :smile:

I notice once us feeling beings get to it there is always lots of ‘psychic commotion’ and then somehow Vineeto’s involvement brings with it this calmness and surety for all involved. It’s a wonder to observe!

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This was excellent and all that I would want in terms of a “report”. Thanks!

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Well I’m having a good time :musical_note: :notes: :smile:

I figured that really it seemed only thing I was/am lacking is ‘wanting to do it’. So I regathered my intent and set about sincerely and scrupulously examining every aspect of me and whether I actually want anything of what actualism offers

The main thing is I identified a sort of ‘gung-ho yah!!!’ aspect where I’d just feel or conclude that of course I want this/of course it’s better… but it was not fully sincere, not really deep-down thing. So I noticed that and didn’t go there anymore and really examined all

The summary is that it is better to feel good than not, by the very facts of existence and what that entails (pleasant things are more pleasant than not). There’s combination of just seeing simply seeing that actual freedom is obviously superior, not a gung-ho ‘yea!’ but it’s an experiential seeing of it (see: Claudiu's Journal - #452 by claudiu). And at one point I ask myself while watching some video of some historical battle, if I could stop all the wars currently going on on the planet, would I? And a seeing that self-immolating actually is making a tangible, potent step towards making it happen, not as a wish or as a self-serving excuse, but as an actual fact of the matter

At some point along the way a whiff of pure intent drafted in and I got the flavor of that again, and I can see that I am not ‘making it up’ :joy: . And especially reading this really brought in that flavour of that purity together with a pulling-in sensation:

Soo anyway continuing on with that approach, I find myself eating a hamburger in a food court, (a ‘new hamburger’ as branded by the company, which is just a hamburger without a bun lol) and the sensuosity is really off the charts, a sumptuous delight for the eyes and the ones and the tongue…

Then I notice a ‘something’ that I make the choice to allow, and whoooooshh it’s like a thing flipped, and then I experienced it like a

I don’t really know what to call it. My experience was that actuality was striating and coruscating. I experienced the same thing petting my dog right before the May 24th 6:48pm experience here in #444.

It was hard to tell if it was a PCE or not. I had the thought during it that while having too low standards can cause problems, having too high a bar for standards won’t really, so I could just say this is an EE (nearly indistinguishable from a PCE) and if it is too ‘high’ a bar, well I can’t really go wrong anyway lol.

It definitely was not like the rock-solid PCE I had while driving some months ago, that was much more stable. This was really much more wild haha

When it ended I felt myself come back in (so maybe was a PCE after all, or at least I was abeyant…???) and then I had the aftershock thing where I reacted with anxiety to it , which also makes me think PCE since at least what I been calling EEs does not have that.

Buttt another valuable insight here, I saw how this anxious reaction to it was transforming itself back into that ‘gung-ho yeah!!’ self haha. Like I was clearly scared shitless of what just happened, which I put it down to cause it is ‘my’ demise that it fore-tells – but that was turning into a feeling like I really wanna do it hahahaha. Even though it was the anxious reaction turning me away from that!!! Wowww so cunning

I also identify now what that apparent ‘shift’ on May 24th at 6:48PM was – it is a cunning way to get ‘me’ off track, to feel like a shift happened and now I gotta wait and see what happens lol. It’s a relic from the DhO meditation days, wow everyone had so many ‘shifts’ back then lol, what a crock.

Anyway it was dope, I don’t know why I experienced it like actuality striating.

After that though I feel a momentum to it all, which is familiar to before, which is cool, but also a little hard to disambiguate from the gung-ho yeah thing, so anyway on it goes, but it’s certainly a fun time :joy:

Cheers
Claudiu

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Claudiu: Well I’m having a good time
I figured that really it seemed only thing I was/ am lacking is ‘wanting to do it’. So I regathered my intent and set about sincerely and scrupulously examining every aspect of me and whether I actually want anything of what actualism offers.
The main thing is I identified a sort of ‘gung-ho yah!!!’ aspect where I’d just feel or conclude that of course I want this/ of course it’s better… but it was not fully sincere, not really deep-down thing. So I noticed that and didn’t go there anymore and really examined all.

Hi Claudiu,

This is a fascinating insight how ‘you’ tick – that when something get too close existentially your automatic/ inadvertent response is to cover it with a “‘gung-ho yah!!!’ aspect” in order to keep the more thrilling aspect at arm’s length.
Well spotted.

Claudiu: The summary is that it is better to feel good than not, by the very facts of existence and what that entails (pleasant things are more pleasant than not). There’s combination of just seeing, simply seeing, that actual freedom is obviously superior, not a gung-ho ‘yea!’ but it’s an experiential seeing of it (see: Claudiu’s Journal - #452 by claudiu). And at one point I ask myself while watching some video of some historical battle, if I could stop all the wars currently going on on the planet, would I? And a seeing that self-immolating actually is making a tangible, potent step towards making it happen, not as a wish or as a self-serving excuse, but as an actual fact of the matter.
At some point along the way a whiff of pure intent drafted in and I got the flavor of that again, and I can see that I am not ‘making it up’ . And especially reading this really brought in that flavour of that purity together with a pulling-in sensation:

Richard: (Being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; this is where being the nearest a ‘self’ can be to innocence – the naiveté located betwixt the core of being and the sexual centre (where one is both likeable and liking) – is attached as if with a golden thread or clew to the purity of actual innocence; an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). (Richard, List D, No. 12, 9 Dec 2009).

Claudiu: Soo anyway continuing on with that approach, I find myself eating a hamburger in a food court, (a ‘new hamburger’ as branded by the company, which is just a hamburger without a bun lol) and the sensuosity is really off the charts, a sumptuous delight for the eyes and the ones and the tongue…
Then I notice a ‘something’ that I make the choice to allow, and whoooooshh it’s like a thing flipped, and then I experienced it like a I don’t really know what to call it. My experience was that actuality was striating and coruscating. I experienced the same thing petting my dog right before the May 24th 6:48pm experience here in #444.
It was hard to tell if it was a PCE or not. I had the thought during it that while having too low standards can cause problems, having too high a bar for standards won’t really, so I could just say this is an EE (nearly indistinguishable from a PCE) and if it is too ‘high’ a bar, well I can’t really go wrong anyway lol.

I’m not sure if the “whiff of pure intent” survived because I didn’t know what to make of your description that “actuality was striating” and then I found this quote today (possibly relevant to what you said further down “it’s a relic from the DhO meditation days”) –

Respondent: Also – and this question is a bit out of left field – do you experience any flickering or flashing or shimmering in the visual field while gazing at an otherwise still scene?
Richard: No.
Respondent: I’ve only really been noticing this since I started paying attention to impermanence.
Richard: As there is no impermanence in actuality then it would be to your advantage to take a second look at whatever it is you are paying attention to.
Respondent: It seems to me that this vibrational aspect of sensations comes and goes in a cyclic fashion. Sometimes I notice that everything is solid and marvellous and clear and the world seems buoyant and peaceful – and wonder if this is what my most solid memory of a PCE is based on.
Richard: As a PCE – the direct (unmediated) experience of actuality – is the immediate apprehension of infinitude (infinite space; eternal time; perdurable matter) and, thus, the absolute and utter permanence of the universe then it would also be to your advantage to take a second look at whatever it is your most solid memory is based upon.
Respondent: However, if I pay attention to anything for too long the flashing/ flickering appears. Is that anything you’re familiar with?
Richard: Only in the months prior to the eleven years of spiritual enlightenment/ mystical awakenment (and, on occasion, during that period).
Respondent: In case you’re wondering if there is a medical basis to it, I have explained it to an optometrist, had an eye exam and got the all clear.
Richard: Yes … manifestations of that nature are more a feature of the affective faculty’s epiphenomenal psychic facility than anything else.
For instance I had flashing lights ‘zapping’ in front of my eyes; electrical bolts of lightning dazzling on the eyeballs; rushes of energy surging up through my diaphragm; pressure-pains in the base of the neck; intense tingling sensations on the surface of my skin; liquid sounds ‘gurgling’ through my brain; convulsive twitching of limbs; surges of power travelling up the spine and up over the back and the top of the head down to the forehead; a vivid blue light, an internal blue of rapturous bliss, behind the eyebrows; singing in my ears; an all-knowing cyclopean eye in the sky watching my every move and many, many other weird things. (Richard, List D, No. 15, 12 Nov 2009).

Claudiu: It was hard to tell if it was a PCE or not. I had the thought during it that while having too low standards can cause problems, having too high a bar for standards won’t really, so I could just say this is an EE (nearly indistinguishable from a PCE) and if it is too ‘high’ a bar, well I can’t really go wrong anyway lol.
It definitely was not like the rock-solid PCE I had while driving some months ago, that was much more stable. This was really much more wild haha
When it ended I felt myself come back in (so maybe was a PCE after all, or at least I was abeyant…???) and then I had the aftershock thing where I reacted with anxiety to it, which also makes me think PCE since at least what I been calling EEs does not have that.
But another valuable insight here, I saw how this anxious reaction to it was transforming itself back into that ‘gung-ho yeah!!’ self haha. Like I was clearly scared shitless of what just happened, which I put it down to cause it is ‘my’ demise that it fore-tells – but that was turning into a feeling like I really wanna do it hahahaha. Even though it was the anxious reaction turning me away from that!!! Wowww so cunning.

Again, it’s valuable information that your habitual “anxious reaction to it was transforming itself back into that ‘gung-ho yeah!!’ self” which causes you to oscillate between some sincere contemplation with a “whiff of pure intent” and a backing off from fear arising by the very possibility of what this will entail.

Hence, regardless if the above-described experience was more of an altered state or an excellence experience or a PCE, perhaps a further exploration into these “anxious reaction”, and *“*scared shitless” feelings seems worth exploring because as you describe it, fear seems to stop you each time you want to proceed.

Claudiu: I also identify now what that apparent ‘shift’ on May 24th at 6:48PM was – it is a cunning way to get ‘me’ off track, to feel like a shift happened and now I gotta wait and see what happens lol. It’s a relic from the DhO meditation days, wow everyone had so many ‘shifts’ back then lol, what a crock.
Anyway it was dope, I don’t know why I experienced it like actuality striating.
After that though I feel a momentum to it all, which is familiar to before, which is cool, but also a little hard to disambiguate from the gung-ho yeah thing, so anyway on it goes, but it’s certainly a fun time (link)

Going by your overall description this “gung-ho yeah thing” seems to be the current fall-back position presenting itself as feeling good.

Take courage, it can be overcome (not rationally or with reasoning but experientially), and daring comes from caring, as in “I could stop all the wars currently going on on the planet, would I?” –

Respondent: … but the description [of fear], it comes later.
Richard: Not if one is at all aware … in my experience all those years ago, at the moment of fear (or disquietude, uneasiness, nervousness or apprehension, anxiety, terror, horror, panic and dread), the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body would ‘sit with it’ as it were and directly experience it as it was happening as the fear which it was (or disquietude, uneasiness, nervousness or apprehension, anxiety, terror, horror, panic and dread). This is because ‘I’ wanted to know, ‘I’ wanted to find out, once and for all, that which has paralysed human beings for millennia … ‘I’ observed ‘my’ psyche (which is the ‘human’ psyche) with the objectivity of a scientist.
Now, whilst the word ‘fear’ is not the feeling itself, the feeling is very, very real whilst it is happening (as real as any ‘I’ is). By ‘being with it’ as it was happening – without moving in any direction whatsoever with escapist thoughts, feelings or urges – ‘I’ would come to experience ‘being it’ … and ‘I’ am this fear and this fear is ‘me’. Thus ‘I’ came to experience ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ nakedness. All ‘I’ am, is this fear … and fear is but one of the instinctual passions that blind nature genetically encodes in all sentient beings at conception in the genes … ‘I’ am the end-point of myriads of survivors passing on their genes. ‘I’ am the product of the ‘success story’ of blind nature’s fear and aggression and nurture and desire.
Being born of the biologically inherited instincts genetically encoded in the germ cells of the spermatozoa and the ova, ‘I’ am – genetically – umpteen tens of thousands of years old … ‘my’ origins are lost in the mists of pre-history. ‘I’ am so anciently old that ‘I’ may well have always existed … carried along on the reproductive cell-line, over countless millennia, from generation to generation. And ‘I’ am thus passed on into an inconceivably open-ended and hereditably transmissible future. In other words: ‘I’ am fear and fear is ‘me’ (and ‘I’ am aggression and aggression is ‘me’; ‘I’ am nurture and nurture is ‘me’; ‘I’ am desire and desire is ‘me’).
The direct experiencing of this is the ending of ‘me’ … and I am this flesh and blood body only being here now as only this moment is. (Richard, List B, No. 33a, 8 Oct 1999).

Cheers Vineeto

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Ah somehow only just saw this today!

The striating thing isn’t something I can make happen or anything like that. It wasn’t an impermanence kind of thing from meditating. I would wanna describe it like actuality was shining through somehow… but I’m not confident in this. I don’t know what to make of it per se, but what followed afterwards was unmistakable, it was a really dynamic way of being alive that lasted up untilll sometime around the next day. So a little over 24 hours.

During that period I experienced a richness that I associated only with EEs in the past, but it was an ongoing experience without me having to do anything, a much firmer and continuous experience of that richness than I’ve had before.

Everything was also just very crystal clear and remarkably un-self-centered. It was just evident, experientially, that my delight of being alive does not harm anyone else (ie it is not a selfish thing), and not only that, but more-over it is for everyone. In other words it is that everyone can experience this level of wondrous delight. It was just very clear and it seemed like all I had to do was smooth myself out, allow any wrinkles to be smoothed out, and I just know that “it” would happen. This wasn’t like making a plan either, it was just how my experience of being alive was. And I also saw, experientially, hitting me to the bone, how the most wonderful possible gift I could give to my partner, the best reward I can give her for the devotion she’s shown me in choosing to be with me, is to self-immolate, to give her the gift of a perfect partner. This was not a thought-out thing, I could just palpably see that it is a fact, and entirely a selfless act (I would not be doing it for ‘me’ to be praised or anything like that).

However I got ehmm overwhelmed lol, it was all a bit much, and I was able to dive out of it by diving into being driven to do various things. It took a lot of effort to direct away from it haha. Of course throughout effortfully driving away from it I had some feeling like I wasn’t driving away from it, but really I knew I was, it just seemed like too much.

So yea the ‘whiff’ of pure intent flourished into far, far more, before I finally dived away from it. Indeed it was fear that stopped me. I tried the thing of plumbing the depths of my being (link) rather than avoiding the fear, but it didn’t bear fruit.

Anyway it’s like basically I know the entire wide and wondrous path, and what to do at each point, all the way from feeling bad to feeling driven to feeling good to feeling great to the dynamic excellence experience to the PCE. I reaffirm my earlier recognition that it is just a matter of wanting to do it. I don’t think there is anything else missing. I don’t really know what else to write in my journal these days lol.

It’s sort of at the point where my only refuge away from self-immolating is feeling bad haha. Cause as soon as I’m back to feeling good, off and away I go sooner rather than later towards that wondrous dynamism. A recent insight is simultaneously recognizing that the next step from there is a small one (to feeling good), not aiming for self-immolating (which would just end up being a driven manifestation of the gung-ho aspect rather than a genuine shooting for it)… but at the same time I know I will not stop at feeling good, that’s just the next step on the way to the next one, which will bring me sooner rather than later up to wherever the latest point I left off of was, which now was that remarkably rich dynamic experience.

So anyway I simultaneously want to get back to that rich dynamism as soon as possible, whilst also being perilously afraid lol. I don’t know what will resolve it. As I started writing this it’s tipped over towards progressing further though so I am confident at this moment haha.

Another fun insight was seeing how there’s a certain feeling I can have that I will succeed in self-immolating, which I’ve come to see now is a de-motivator not a motivator. Cause it just has me slacken my intention/attention rather than continue onward. Like a “oh yeah I’ll surely do it… oo let’s go and do this other thing first” lol. Fun stuff.

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Hi Claudiu,

I wonder if this is a similar situation to what I have described in my second to last journal post in response to Vineeto. I can relate to what you wrote in that you are able to go through that entire range of the wide and wondrous path. That it can go from normal and all the way into this “dynamism” and then back down, and no matter how many times this is done it is always the same outcome, that ‘I’ remain by the end of it. This is essentially how I have found it also.

And I wonder if it is this aspect of “staying still” which is required for ‘me’ to be eradicated. Because walking through that range from normal to dynamism is exactly ‘me’ proceeding in a certain direction, say a linear progression, and it is expected that at the end of this linear progression there is the last event which is the end of ‘me’. What if it is this assumption/expectation that is incorrect?

That there is not a linear progression for ‘me’ which ends in ‘my’ demise. Rather ‘my’ demise happens as a result of ‘me’ being still enough to be seen clearly, then the illusion can come to an end, with ‘my’ concurrence.

Of course I am not saying that ‘I’ remain in ‘normal’ but rather that this movement from normal to dynamism is not sufficient in itself. That something different is required and of course being in that dynamic place is what makes this much more likely to happen.

This really changed for me recently, that before I thought it was exactly this sense of being on a linear progression that would do it. Now I am wondering if it is not quite that, because to be on a linear progression one is still moving towards ‘somewhere’, whereas we are talking about arriving here and now. It seems what is required is the exact opposite of a ‘movement somewhere’.

Although I am still sussing this out so this is the best I can convey what I am getting at so far.

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Vineeto: This is a fascinating insight how ‘you’ tick – that when something get too close existentially your automatic/ inadvertent response is to cover it with a “‘gung-ho yah!!!’ aspect” in order to keep the more thrilling aspect at arm’s length.
Well spotted. (link)

Claudiu: Ah somehow only just saw this today!
The striating thing isn’t something I can make happen or anything like that. It wasn’t an impermanence kind of thing from meditating. I would wanna describe it like actuality was shining through somehow… but I’m not confident in this. I don’t know what to make of it per se, but what followed afterwards was unmistakable, it was a really dynamic way of being alive that lasted up until sometime around the next day. So a little over 24 hours.

Hi Claudiu,

That is excellent, Claudiu.

Claudiu: During that period I experienced a richness that I associated only with EEs in the past, but it was an ongoing experience without me having to do anything, a much firmer and continuous experience of that richness than I’ve had before.
Everything was also just very crystal clear and remarkably un-self-centered. It was just evident, experientially, that my delight of being alive does not harm anyone else (i.e. it is not a selfish thing), and not only that, but more-over it is for everyone. In other words it is that everyone can experience this level of wondrous delight. It was just very clear and it seemed like all I had to do was smooth myself out, allow any wrinkles to be smoothed out, and I just know that “it” would happen. This wasn’t like making a plan either, it was just how my experience of being alive was. And I also saw, experientially, hitting me to the bone, how the most wonderful possible gift I could give to my partner, the best reward I can give her for the devotion she’s shown me in choosing to be with me, is to self-immolate, to give her the gift of a perfect partner. This was not a thought-out thing, I could just palpably see that it is a fact, and entirely a selfless act (I would not be doing it for ‘me’ to be praised or anything like that).

Ah, this is music to my ears.

Now you know the genuine excellence with a full measure of pure intent, which you now accustomise yourself to as in the quote from Richard you posted (link) –

Richard: … an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). (Richard, List D, No. 12, 9 Dec 2009).

Claudiu: However I got ehmm overwhelmed lol, it was all a bit much, and I was able to dive out of it by diving into being driven to do various things. It took a lot of effort to direct away from it haha. Of course throughout effortfully driving away from it I had some feeling like I wasn’t driving away from it, but really I knew I was, it just seemed like too much.
So yea the ‘whiff’ of pure intent flourished into far, far more, before I finally dived away from it. Indeed it was fear that stopped me. I tried the thing of plumbing the depths of my being (link) rather than avoiding the fear, but it didn’t bear fruit.
Anyway it’s like basically I know the entire wide and wondrous path, and what to do at each point, all the way from feeling bad to feeling driven to feeling good to feeling great to the dynamic excellence experience to the PCE. I reaffirm my earlier recognition that it is just a matter of wanting to do it. I don’t think there is anything else missing. I don’t really know what else to write in my journal these days lol.

Is the “feeling driven” a close cousin to the “‘gung-ho yeah!!’ self” – a diversion from that funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in? If so, I can recommend to stay with that ‘funny feeling’ as long as you dare, without fighting it or expressing it as being driven (both options give the anxiousness extra energy), and experiment a bit. This will reduce the intensity and ‘whoosh’, you are back to feeling good.

Claudiu: It’s sort of at the point where my only refuge away from self-immolating is feeling bad haha. Cause as soon as I’m back to feeling good, off and away I go sooner rather than later towards that wondrous dynamism. A recent insight is simultaneously recognizing that the next step from there is a small one (to feeling good), not aiming for self-immolating (which would just end up being a driven manifestation of the gung-ho aspect rather than a genuine shooting for it)… but at the same time I know I will not stop at feeling good, that’s just the next step on the way to the next one, which will bring me sooner rather than later up to wherever the latest point I left off of was, which now was that remarkably rich dynamic experience.
So anyway I simultaneously want to get back to that rich dynamism as soon as possible, whilst also being perilously afraid lol. I don’t know what will resolve it. As I started writing this it’s tipped over towards progressing further though so I am confident at this moment haha.

Well there is a stage between feeling good and ‘self’-immolation, and that it feeling excellent, naïve, and making that your new default-set-point. From there you can safely acclimatise yourself to the “it just seemed like too much” until you are getting used to the “resultant blitheness”, the new wondrous frequency, so to speak.

Claudiu: Another fun insight was seeing how there’s a certain feeling I can have that I will succeed in self-immolating, which I’ve come to see now is a de-motivator not a motivator. Cause it just has me slacken my intention/ attention rather than continue onward. Like a “oh yeah I’ll surely do it… oo let’s go and do this other thing first” lol. Fun stuff. (link)

Ah, you recognized the “gung-ho aspect” as a dead-end, great.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Hehe this is a cool way of describing ‘my’ anxiety - “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, doesn’t sound so serious when you put it this way :laughing:

So yes this is essentially what happens for me too, in fact I could broadly break it down into 3 categories :

1 - “things are happening” - this is where there isn’t any of that kind of feeling, ‘I’ am ‘being’ supremely naive and it seems that ‘I’ am well on route to meeting ‘my’ destiny.

2 - “Funny feeling in the belly” - This is where there is still this dynamic aspect all around but also this anxiousness which is as if wanting to halt what is going on.

3 - “towards ‘normality’” - This is where ‘I’ have allowed the anxiousness to do it’s thing and now ‘I’ have reverted back to some kind of ‘normality’ in order to ease the pressure.

So no3 I am spending very little time in these days, it is mostly either no1 which when it is happening it seems nothing else is needed but to remain exactly in that place. And then no2 which still by all means is better than no3 and yet there is this kind of ‘friction’ that is halting things.

Now when I am in no1 it is like “standing still and watching the dust settle all around” is happening automatically, it is quite incredible because in that place it is like realisations are flying right, left and centre, like ‘I’ am being rapidly unraveled. Then when in no2 it seems like “things are no longer happening”, ‘I’ have halted ‘my’ undoing. This is when I would try to ‘go somewhere’ in that linear fashion and this is where a devolution into no3 can take place, back to ‘normal’, to the ‘doer’ etc.

So it seems what is required is to find a way to remain in no1 indefinitely, which means finding a way to return there once ‘I’ come in with ‘my’ friction - “a funny feeling in the belly when anxiousness sets in”, hehe it is quite funny that ‘I’ could prevent ‘myself’ from meeting ‘my’ destiny over such a silly thing.

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I would put it more like a ‘spherical’ progression than a linear one haha. From being a tiny little self-centric sphere then ‘expanding’ out to all directions. But it’s not really ‘me’ expanding as in growing bigger but rather being more felictious and naive and allowing all that. Maybe we can enhance the analogy to say that the total weight is equal but the volume expands so the density is less :smile:

In any case I’m not aiming to repeat this motion or anything, rather it seems more like a matter of being as much as possible like towards the dynamic place and aiming in that direction, the point is to allow it to continue like that as much as possible. But as I understand it self-immolation can happen from any point, one doesn’t have to wait or be in that dynamic place even, maybe similar to how a PCE can happen at any time. As I understand it, it’s the universe that does it, and I just have to allow it to happen and then it happens. Be that as it may the magical dynamism way of being alive is really far superior :naivete:

Cheers
Claudiu

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Hehe I feel it more like something in my chest than the belly

It is interesting to stay with it and suss it out. Intrinsic to it is a desire to look away from it. I was able to see it that the effect of fear is for me to look away from the fear, and then as soon as I look away from it now it’s driving me to do this or that (being driven definitely stems from fear, I can see this clearly). So perhaps I just have to not look away :grin:

At some point recently (before the ~24hr experience) while experiencing pure intent I also saw and was enjoying allowing pure intent into the ‘knot’ of me that I experience. It was like allowing pure intent to waft through all my nooks and crannies. It felt very nice!

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