Hummmmmm I do wonder if this thorough reasoning is really more a justification of inaction rather than prudence in action? I say it from experience 
I visited Geoffrey for a few days recently which I’ll write more about later. Part of the point of the trip was of course to get me further towards self-immolating (if not self-immolate right on the trip itself).
One evening I saw my next obstacle so clearly. I had pinned it down – I really did want to self-immolate of course! But I felt like I couldn’t, I was too much of a fraud, too rotten to do it, I couldn’t allow myself to do it. So, I wanted to do it, but alas I wasn’t good enough. And I had planned out how to resolve this all too, like sticking with that feeling, allowing myself to do proceed even though I felt I couldn’t, allow myself to have this thing I want even if I am rotten, the rotten-ness is the whole point (the reason to self-immolate) etc.
When I met back with Geoffrey I started telling him all this, and he’s like oh you feel like a fraud? To who? “The universe, like cosmically so.” And he was like Ahhhh I see! You got dealt a bad hand. The old wise men up in the sky took a look around one day when they were deciding everyone’s fate, and they saw Claudiu and said “Nah he’s not gonna make it, we’ve decided, he’s not good enough”. Nothing you can do about it, it is out of your hands!
And I just burst out laughing haha. It was easy to see the silliness of that when he put it that way. And that was the end of it.
But then he said you know, this sounds more like ehh… a hurdle, not a real obstacle. I don’t think it was a real reason, it’s really something else.
It was interesting because I really did feel like it was a real reason. But I saw he was right, it was a made-up reason. It was just a way to justify putting it out of my hands. The real reason was, in fact, what Vineeto wrote here to you, which is that I hadn’t unequivocally agreed to my demise. It was just a way to distract from that fact, basically.
Two other key pieces: the major one was we figured out that I had been trying to put myself into actuality, as in I as identity, as a feeling-being, will continue somewhat beyond self-immolation. There were many ways I had justified it, like “Oh but Peter said there was a continuity of consciousness…” and he’s like “Consciousness! You’re translating that into ‘identity’! It’s not identity that continues!” or “But I remember disappearing in a PCE” and he’s like “No you don’t! You are putting yourself into the PCE and spoiling the memory. This is why you are supposed to rememorate it not remember it.” etc.
Basically the way he put it is, what will happen in the universe if I physically die? Essentially nothing except this body is dead (most of it will continue as-is). And the point is that the only difference with self-immolating rather than dying, is that there is a body that will continue being conscious (and not fall into a coma or whatever). But for me it will be exactly the same as if the body physically died, no difference whatsoever for me – total extinction. That put the notion to rest that I would continue in any way after self-immolating.
He also really impressed upon me just how significant this is. It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride.
Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before.
Whether there are different flavors of out-from-control that we have been experiencing or they are different things entirely, and/or figuring out what to call all this, could be an interesting exercise, and maybe of value later, but for now whatever it is, it’s clear we hadn’t done that jump Geoffrey talked about here off the cliff.
In any case the main take-aways for me from the trip was A) see that I really will disappear entirely, B) see the enormity and significance of this (the stakes are indeed high), C) stop kidding myself with fake hurdles that feel real, it really (for me at this point) is all avoidance tactics to avoid facing the real thing, which is the total extinction of it. In short, go up to the edge of the cliff, see if I really want it, then joyfully/gaily/cheerfully (not seriously) jump/traverse the wall of dread/whatever the metaphor, do whatever you can to do it, and then extinction will be nigh.
I write it here to you so you can see if you recognize any of it in your own experience and to help you proceed as well.
Cheers,
Claudiu