I think there is something to it
I think it is the whole point actually, to be naively enjoying & appreciating, in the being-naivete/beer-ascendant-doer-abeyant way
I can see for me there are still distinct modes, it’s not 100% like this. But it is actually pretty easy to get back to the naively being alive way. And it is way more fun lol.
When out of that mode there is where I can experience the feeling of wanting to ‘do’ something but now I see there is nothing I can ‘do’ while like that that will help to “achieve this goal” of self-immolating. Instead the way to do it is by being naivete lol, in this way of being it’s like naturally proceeding in that direction
What I’m gonna do now is just go for being like that as much as possible, this is something tangible that I can experientially do and I can see the next steps ie how to do it, and it really seems like the thing to do
I see also though it’s not like a binary on/off thing, it can be more naively exuberant and less so, and I can come in and try to reassert control. There are obvious ‘escape hatches’ and when I just made the decision to not take any of those anymore, that brought up quite a bit of thrilling fear – however it’s not just the consciously taken escape hatches, events in life trigger me out of it also. But I have gotten the knack at getting back to it though
At the peak of it it’s really like just enjoying the ride 
It makes it much ‘harder’ to write posts too haha, like there’s mostly not a reason to do it
Yea it’s more like a not-sure-what-will-come-next, it doesn’t make sense to plan the next steps for how to self-immolate. Although all the stuff I discussed w/ Geoffrey and we discussed here is all relevant to keep in mind I suppose. Will see how it goes