The main change since visiting Geoffrey has been that everything’s a lot more straightforward now, I have managed to disabuse myself that I will continue on (it took many repeated times running into that wall again and realizing I’m doing it haha). This really brought into sharp focus just the enormity of it all, with repeated "… fuck!!"s going on in my head as I re-realized it each time haha. I could also see how it was like there’s a funnel that keeps sloping more downwards, and if I really jumped into it fully it would be like a free-fall, which I felt the potency of it. And the fear and dread of it I was feeling fully, but excitedly proceeding anyway.
Then on May 24th at 6:48pm there was an intriguing experience where I was experiencing incredible potency of pure intent, and something certainly happened to me, I even saw it in my visual field shifting, it’s like everything came to a point, then started to separate out down and to the right before coming back, but it didn’t come back to exactly where it was before. I don’t quite know what to make of it yet, the main thing is that things are even more straightforward after that, which I experience as being again there being less in the way of actuality, and also I haven’t felt the fear or dread at the face of extinction anymore, but also I don’t feel a constant acceleration towards actuality, so I don’t really know yet 
lol. I would say it like I am now in the position where it’s clear which direction to go , and have no doubt that I can do it and that it will work, and it’s just a matter of ehm… actually doing it lol. It feels like the last pieces of “do i really want this forever?” getting myself on board, but that I do still need to answer that question in the affirmative. The other interesting thing is before I experienced it like there was no brakes anymore, yet I could still put on the gas more or less… now I experience it like not only are there no brakes, but there’s no gas pedal either. There’s nothing I can do to make the process happen faster or slower, it happens at the pace it happens. However I am still able to sort of squirm away from it, it’s not like the process can pull me forward against my will, if that makes sense. But when my will is aligned then off it goes. Even though this makes it sound like I have some control over it, I wouldn’t really put it that way. When I am aligned there’s nothing I can do to accelerate or pause it. But I am able to still ‘misalign’ myself.
I say this not as advice but just description of what is happening lol, and if Vineeto and/or Geoffrey have any advice they can read it and see… but the way forward is clear enough, continue appreciating the enormity of the stakes of total extinction, and see if it really is what I really want, as it is for keepsies.
Cheers,
Claudiu