I think we’re in a quite similar spot
Even though I managed to forget about caring (lol), once I remembered it it was experientially obvious, that it would genuinely be concretely (and not just abstractly) better for specific people in particular, those closest to me. There’s no doubt about this.
So that’s the first component of what Geoffrey wrote:
The second component is that it would be a win for me also as I secretly desire it, and I experience it like the ‘secret’ part of it is coming to the foreground, i.e. I’m seeing that I really do want it, due to the ‘laying down the burden’ aspect of it.
So it is better for everyone and it’s what I want anyway, these are win-win, and the only thing in-between the wins is my self-centric self/self-centeredness, which has not been overcome
Some days ago I experienced it like everything was really ‘shaky’ and all I had to do was sit still enough and then the process would move forward at a rapid pace. Yet then… I still managed to find an escape-hatch! A really powerful self-centered escape-hatch, which I immediately (right at the start) saw was pointless, in that it had no point other than itself, ie my own survival in and of itself… but even though I saw that I still took the escape hatch and out I went. – which is what led to forgetting about caring!! Lol
So I think for both of us there is still a component missing… for me, there’s a reason I keep taking the escape hatch, and for you, I don’t know, is it something similar, do you relate to what I say with the ‘escape hatch’? Either way I think we are not at the point yet where we have nothing to do and it will ‘happen on its own’. If we were at that point it would be no more escape hatches and it would have happened on its own already.
But I think the missing ingredient is… basically the decision to do it, to go all-in. I definitely see now that the self-centered aspect of myself still has a powerful pull that it’s easy for me to fall into. I think this is what is ‘overcome’ when going out-from-control in the way Richard, Geoffrey, & Vineeto were. And then indeed as there’s no more escape hatch it will happen on its own.
I think if we do nothing different it will just be another year or two or however long of the same. At least I think so for me.
But this has got me all looking around, now that I’m confident I am not out-from-control in the way Geoffrey was at the end (‘constantly accelerating’) I know there’s that next step I can take, which will be smaller than the step to self-immolating, in other words it will make it easier. But maybe the way to do it is just to be vigilant and purposefully choose not to go down the self-centric route (yet again), due to all the above (caring, altriusm, blessed oblivion), which for both of us it seems like it does lead to something that we experience like being out-from-control, but indeed to keep doing that and ‘stabilize’ in it (in the sense of making it my baseline) and then from there it’ll be easier/more obvious how/more obviously sensible to make that irrevocable decision.