Ah somehow only just saw this today!
The striating thing isn’t something I can make happen or anything like that. It wasn’t an impermanence kind of thing from meditating. I would wanna describe it like actuality was shining through somehow… but I’m not confident in this. I don’t know what to make of it per se, but what followed afterwards was unmistakable, it was a really dynamic way of being alive that lasted up untilll sometime around the next day. So a little over 24 hours.
During that period I experienced a richness that I associated only with EEs in the past, but it was an ongoing experience without me having to do anything, a much firmer and continuous experience of that richness than I’ve had before.
Everything was also just very crystal clear and remarkably un-self-centered. It was just evident, experientially, that my delight of being alive does not harm anyone else (ie it is not a selfish thing), and not only that, but more-over it is for everyone. In other words it is that everyone can experience this level of wondrous delight. It was just very clear and it seemed like all I had to do was smooth myself out, allow any wrinkles to be smoothed out, and I just know that “it” would happen. This wasn’t like making a plan either, it was just how my experience of being alive was. And I also saw, experientially, hitting me to the bone, how the most wonderful possible gift I could give to my partner, the best reward I can give her for the devotion she’s shown me in choosing to be with me, is to self-immolate, to give her the gift of a perfect partner. This was not a thought-out thing, I could just palpably see that it is a fact, and entirely a selfless act (I would not be doing it for ‘me’ to be praised or anything like that).
However I got ehmm overwhelmed lol, it was all a bit much, and I was able to dive out of it by diving into being driven to do various things. It took a lot of effort to direct away from it haha. Of course throughout effortfully driving away from it I had some feeling like I wasn’t driving away from it, but really I knew I was, it just seemed like too much.
So yea the ‘whiff’ of pure intent flourished into far, far more, before I finally dived away from it. Indeed it was fear that stopped me. I tried the thing of plumbing the depths of my being (link) rather than avoiding the fear, but it didn’t bear fruit.
Anyway it’s like basically I know the entire wide and wondrous path, and what to do at each point, all the way from feeling bad to feeling driven to feeling good to feeling great to the dynamic excellence experience to the PCE. I reaffirm my earlier recognition that it is just a matter of wanting to do it. I don’t think there is anything else missing. I don’t really know what else to write in my journal these days lol.
It’s sort of at the point where my only refuge away from self-immolating is feeling bad haha. Cause as soon as I’m back to feeling good, off and away I go sooner rather than later towards that wondrous dynamism. A recent insight is simultaneously recognizing that the next step from there is a small one (to feeling good), not aiming for self-immolating (which would just end up being a driven manifestation of the gung-ho aspect rather than a genuine shooting for it)… but at the same time I know I will not stop at feeling good, that’s just the next step on the way to the next one, which will bring me sooner rather than later up to wherever the latest point I left off of was, which now was that remarkably rich dynamic experience.
So anyway I simultaneously want to get back to that rich dynamism as soon as possible, whilst also being perilously afraid lol. I don’t know what will resolve it. As I started writing this it’s tipped over towards progressing further though so I am confident at this moment haha.
Another fun insight was seeing how there’s a certain feeling I can have that I will succeed in self-immolating, which I’ve come to see now is a de-motivator not a motivator. Cause it just has me slacken my intention/attention rather than continue onward. Like a “oh yeah I’ll surely do it… oo let’s go and do this other thing first” lol. Fun stuff.
Cheers,
Claudiu