Claudiu's Journal

Journals
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The main thing for me now is that I can see there is simply no reason to feel bad. It is silly to feel bad and silly not to feel good. There is no moral weight or imperative here. No duty or responsibility. There is no obligation to do it. So there is not a “must” or “should” in that sense. It’s just a choice as to how I want to live my life.

Recently I had a long period of feeling good, and I didn’t even really notice it as anything special. I was just living my life. And then something came up where I got upset and I was like woah! That sucked. And that is what is usually the norm. So feeling good is special by comparison, but my experience of habituated feeling good is not to be experiencing anything special per se.

When there is the magical element, though, then I experience being alive as truly special. That is where the “must” of it comes from - not from a moral sense of duty, responsibility, or obligation, but from a wanting that excellence and perfection to become apparent and permanent.

My challenge now is to go in that direction, without pushing myself or burying anything under the rug, to do it with full sincerity, so as to be able to keep going and not pull back.

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Sounds great Claudiu

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There is an immaculate consideration that is not of ‘me’, it is outside of ‘me’. Life is actually perfectly simple and easy - simple be that immaculate consideration, perpetually, forever. Nothing can possibly go wrong like this, simply there is nothing that is ‘wrong’, anything that happens happens and happens as best as it possibly could, because the utmost and most perfect consideration is applied to it. There is nothing else that can possibly happen, so whatever happens is perfect.

The only problem is that I can never be that immaculate consideration. I am not that - it is outside of me. I must sacrifice myself for it to be fully apparent. Yet then I won’t be around to experience it… but I am only an illusion anyway so does it really matter? It feels like it does… but I know it actually doesn’t. But I haven’t agreed to give this gift to the world yet, to this body and that body and every body. But there is no other way.

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What do you mean by “consideration”?

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Consideration, as in, considering the situation and taking the action that leads to the optimum outcome, as understood by the “native intelligence” we all have (i.e. not ‘me’ determining what ‘I’ think, feel, consider, or believe is best, but rather, allowing the actual body’s actual intelligence to inevitably, inexorably, with no decision-making required per se, arrive at what is indeed clearly the most optimum thing that can possibly be done given a situation).

As it is not ‘me’ doing the considering, there is no malice or sorrow gunking up the works, and the actual optimum can be achieved.

And as it is not ‘me’ doing the considering, there’s no one to blame if it goes other than how it is predicted or expected to go.

It is all perfect.

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I started reading this book Corruptible about whether and how power corrupts people …

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I saw it linked from an article where the author says he interviewed dictators, murderers etc and this piqued my interest and I thought it would be an interesting read.

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But after reading this first chapter I basically totally lost interest. It completely fails to recognize the main point which is, that it’s the human condition itself and specifically him, me, and anyone else reading this, that is just as much the problem as those particular individuals in positions of power.

Nothing to be gained by reading this book… it won’t solve the problem, which is the human condition itself.

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Books aren’t really books if they are a sentence long; “People are corrupt because of human condition and thus wield power corruptly.”

I would recommend Orwell’s 1984, if only for it’s very deep story which actually does delve into something about how power is perpetuating for it’s own sake.

I was very surprised to get something out of such a famous book which i thought was all about tyrannical governments, but it’s far more thoughtful than that.

In fact, Orwell delves into something that we would instantly recognise as being kin to what Richard talks about in his journal; ‘society’ wants to be actual, so it seeks to be that via actual people (controlled by ‘real’ psychic entities) sacrificing themselves for the ‘greater good’.

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Mostly now I am focused on self-immolating, on actually doing it. It’s already obvious that it’s possible and that I essentially know how to do it. It is hard to miss when walking around experiencing abundant and bountiful purity issuing forth all around. And then as I go further than I have before and the purity is about to “take over” completely, I find myself pulling back with a new fear or a new objection — and then that’s the next thing to look at!

It’s really fun and quite amazing. The biggest travesty is that it’s so simply possible to live life like this and almost nobody even knows it’s possible. But that’s why I do what I can to change this :slight_smile:

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@claudiu
Perhaps it’s not a new “fear or a new objection”, in the sense of being in the negative.

Maybe because you are someone these days. It the good feelings; you don’t want to, aren’t ready to, can’t see them a silly feelings.

You are a respectable married man now. Well like here and presumably everywhere. No longer the shy recluse, but truly someone to admire.

Is it really a fear? More perhaps a new level of ‘good’ feelings.

Just my opinion from the peanut gallery. :sunglasses:

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I am a little confused. Yesterday I saw that I can rely on pure intent / the purity - it is reliable. And ever since then I appear to be experiencing that purity on a continuous basis , that that connection is always active, each second of the day. Yet I still find myself feeling bad on occasion , like I’ve experienced boredom , and annoyance at my dogs for pulling on the leashes. Yet there is still the backdrop of purity. Like this feeling bad doesn’t seem to be a big deal - it doesn’t “get at me” in some core way the way it would before.

but it is weird because I would think that with the purity readily available I would be able to more rapidly get to feeling good again

But then again even though I’m feeling a bad feeling it seems I’m basically enjoying being alive anyway. It is odd. I wonder if I’m dissociated somehow :upside_down_face: the other thing would be that it’s existentially scary getting closer to selfnimmolating - which for ‘me’ is non-existence … even though when clear-headed I don’t see any reason to be afraid (as in it seems silly to fear such a thing when it is obviously just abundant purity )

Any advice @Srinath @geoffrey ? Does it sound familiar from any of your experiences ?

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A few things I wrote in my note file today:

——

the “weird state” started as a result of seeing the purity is reliable and deciding to allow it more and more to operate

I decided to simply go with it for now , keep allowing it , feel that thrill and enjoy it! It may be what Richard said - the ride of a lifetime. And if I end up stuck in a corner then I’ll deal with it then. But this seems worth trying at least … if anything then to see where it goes wrong so I can adjust.

—

Ok! Right track - easily slipped into a super fun PCE that continue as I write this. A small yet huge difference. All seriousness burnished !! Or is it an EE now ?? Ok definitely ended now.

But anyway can’t be that off if I’m that close to a PCE. The task is the same - enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive !! The thing I learned is simply that this isn’t automatic , I still must actively enjoy it. What a “chore”!! Lol (joke)

Possibly now is out from control and before wasn’t but still something close , like active connection …?

—

Tentative conclusion: there’s definitely an aspect now that was missing before. A fun and exuberance. Naïveté ? Pure intent itself ?

It’s like before I wasn’t actually enjoying and appreciating — now I certainly am.

However what I called pure intent before DID seamlessly lead into the PCE (at the transition the WOW factor happened). It was definitely more in that direction.

So I think it is pure intent , I can experience it now even when not feeling good , and I can follow it to a great enjoyment and exuberance.

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Sounds like you figured it out by yourself :grin:

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So, now you could say what you were feeling before…?

I mean, If now you see that you were not “basically enjoying being alive anyway”, do you have more clues about what you might have actually been experiencing then…? Or is it still uncertain/odd?

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I would say that something has happened where, whether I am experiencing ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘felicitous’ feelings, there is an underlying purity that I am still able to experience. This makes it almost automatic to not ‘go down that path’ in terms of further fueling ‘good’ or ‘bad’ feelings. Basically when the opportunity arises where I would normally become more malicious or more amorous, for example, instead, I don’t, because I don’t want to ‘go there’. It seems automatic but it’s still a choice (which I gladly take).

What I find weird is that I would think this means I’m automatically always feeling felicitous. But it’s not the case. Things can still bother me over a longer period of time. But enjoyment and appreciation always appears to be ‘close by’. It’s easier not to take it seriously… but there is still ‘work’ to be done to identify triggers, resolve issues, etc. And I still actively undertake it - I don’t magically gravitate to feeling great. But even when experiencing a ‘bad’ feeling… I don’t spin in the depths of it.

It is as if instead of the core of ‘me’ being the natural gravitating-back-towards point, rather the purity is now the natural gravitating-forward-towards point. So it’s easier to go in that direction, towards the purity and away from the depths of ‘me’. But I still have to actually choose to go there.

It seems like a great thing so far! Will see where it leads.

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@claudiu you asked if this sounded familiar?.. indeed.
That’s what an established connexion to pure intent is like.

Your confusion stems from the fact that this connexion to pure intent is not yet ‘operative’, as in: not yet allowed to be.
(Not ‘out-from-control’ = not “automatically” felicitous.)

Cultivate naiveté, towards being naiveté. Then there is no ‘choice’.

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Omg! 10 years and I only establish this now :smile:and Richard says once established one can begin to dismantle the social identity. Worlds worst actualist lol.

Actually I think this may have happened before, but I was confused then too and lacked either the clarity or the courage (or both) to fully take advantage of it. (EDIT: or maybe not at all actually as I had the thought a few times that this was uncharted territory for me.)

Oh well, I am where I am now :smile:.

I appreciate the sharing and the advice - it makes sense!

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I had a lot more to say, but I decided its better for another time. I’ll keep it brief.

Wow, what an amazing day! What you describe is nothing short of remarkable, Claudiu. What has happened for you can best be described as a benediction. (“Uh oh,” you may be thinking, “Rick is agreeing with me, so I am definitely off course, now.”)

Richard (1998): One can bring about a benediction from that perfection and purity which is the essential character of the universe by contacting and cultivating one’s original state of naiveté. . . . This blessing allows a connection to be made between oneself and the perfection and purity as is evidenced in a PCE. This connection I call pure intent.
Mailing List 'B' Respondent No. 31

That there can exist this connection, this coupling, this union (if you will) between oneself and the universe’s boundless absoluteness (a by default perfection), makes one almost cry with relief. What a blessing it is, after all, to discover that “you” of all things – a puny parasitic inconsequential feeling being – can touch (“tap into”) the purity of infinite existence, and that the purity of infinite existence can likewise touch “you.” In hindsight, of course its purity can reach all the way to “you” (and then some!), for it’s reach is literally limitless. The infinite universe – by its nature and in all its workings – has absolutely zero respect for boundaries. :face_with_hand_over_mouth: :smiling_face: And what a blessing that is.

What’s more is that you found that this (benedictive) touch informs you that no matter what is occurring, ultimately nothing – not a thing – is “going wrong.” As you say, it is such a “weird” and “odd” thing to see that feeling bad does not mean the connection is severed. On the contrary, the fact that this blessed link to perfection remains intact, whether one is feeling excellent or miserable, is its way of informing one that everything that happens at this very moment – bugs, bombs, even bad feelings – is exactly as it’s supposed to be, because it necessarily has to be, because it already is (absent an alternate universe/ an alternate moment).

It’s already happening. What a wonderful thing.

Now that the universe has got a hold of “you” may it one day take over and consume “you” completely. May it one day consume all of “us.”

Cheers

Rick

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:smiley: Well you are right, it is indeed a benediction.

It wasn’t clear from your post - do you yourself experience such a benediction on an ongoing basis?

We do disagree here, though. A bad feeling informs me that something is ‘wrong’… the benediction informs me that it is silly, given the universe itself is already perfect, to feel bad about anything in general and whatever the specific cause of this bout of feeling-bad is in particular. The bad feeling itself is not included in this :slight_smile:

The thing that is ‘wrong’ is with ‘me’ of course, not the universe… and being sincere reveals to me what it is and allows me to fix myself up so as to allow the purity to operate more and more freely.

:laughing: we’ve traded quite a lot of words back and forth on this specific topic already - I don’t think any more at this point will be of benefit (though perhaps at a later point it might be).

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That’s wonderful to hear Claudiu!

This in particular caught my eye:

I was at this point once and I abandoned that path because I thought I was fooling myself. I thought how can both exist simultaneously? Could you describe what this purity is like in more detail? Maybe something familiar will click for me. I’ve always experienced it as a closeness or as the fact of this moment. Some quality about actuality stands out but not all of it.

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Yes, there is an ongoing connection between myself and the universe. It’s sometimes strong, sometimes weak. Sometimes it’s so strong, so potent that it will nearly take over my entire body (where it feels like it will consume me altogether), other times it’s as weak as a whisper. But its always there.

I meant “wrong” in the ultimate sense. But maybe I misunderstood you, then. This is where I saw something very similar:

That we experience this benediction – this connection with the perfection and purity of infinite existence – even when feeling bad, indicated to me that nothing is ultimately “going wrong” even when feeling bad. It might be an error of interpretation on my part, of course. But still, this is what I take/ interpret from my own experiences and which I thought I recognized in your words. It is that, as you say, “odd” and “weird,” simultaneous juxtaposition of experiencing perfection and experiencing feeling bad.

It’s the odd/weird experience that really caught my eye.