The main thing for me now is that I can see there is simply no reason to feel bad. It is silly to feel bad and silly not to feel good. There is no moral weight or imperative here. No duty or responsibility. There is no obligation to do it. So there is not a “must” or “should” in that sense. It’s just a choice as to how I want to live my life.
Recently I had a long period of feeling good, and I didn’t even really notice it as anything special. I was just living my life. And then something came up where I got upset and I was like woah! That sucked. And that is what is usually the norm. So feeling good is special by comparison, but my experience of habituated feeling good is not to be experiencing anything special per se.
When there is the magical element, though, then I experience being alive as truly special. That is where the “must” of it comes from - not from a moral sense of duty, responsibility, or obligation, but from a wanting that excellence and perfection to become apparent and permanent.
My challenge now is to go in that direction, without pushing myself or burying anything under the rug, to do it with full sincerity, so as to be able to keep going and not pull back.