I have two takeaways from your reply:
Vineeto: Remember that it is an active dynamic connection to pure intent, where you experience “a genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe”. It is so delicious to experience it that you will be drawn to experience it again and again. Besides, nothing less will do the trick.
James: I have two takeaways from your reply: 1. Pure intent is dynamic and ongoing happening again and again.
Hi James,
Pure intent, an uninterrupted “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe” and as such not “happening again and again”. It may appear so to you when you switch on and off the connection to pure intent but it is always happening, that’s why Richard described it as “stream”. What is dynamic (i.e. presently active), or not, is your connection to pure intent.
Perhaps for you these are mere words rather than the rememoration of an experience for you?
James: 2. Altruism has two aspects. I am wondering if the one-time altruistic act could happen upon my impending physical death? If so, this could be something to look forward to. (link)
I repeat part of Richard’s quote from the previous message for your elucidation because it looks like you have glossed over it –
Richard: It [altruism] has … everything to do with wanting, with all of one’s being, to bring to an end, once and for all, the inherent suffering which epitomises human nature. Viz.:
• [Richard]: ‘… one has to want to be free from the human condition like one has never wanted anything before. Because unless one is vitally interested in peace on earth one will never even begin to free the crippled intelligence from the debilitating passions bestowed by blind nature. Yet becoming vitally interested is but the preliminary stage, because until one becomes curious as to whether what is being written here about genetic inheritance can be applied to themselves, only then does the first step begin. For it is only when one becomes curious about the workings of oneself – what makes one tick – is that person participating in their search for freedom for the first time in their life. This is because people mostly look to rearranging their beliefs and truths as being sufficient effort … ‘I’ am willing to be free as long as ‘I’ can remain ‘me’. In other words: their notion of freedom is a ‘clip-on’. (…) [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, No. 45, 14 Nov 1999).
Now you say your “takeaway” is your “wondering” if you could postpone the altruistic act upon your “impending physical death?” Quite demonstrably, you do not yet experience that you “want to be free from the human condition like one has never wanted anything before”, else why ask for reprieve until you physically die. Of course, you can wait as long as you like – after all, it is your life you are living and you are reaping the rewards or paying the consequences of the choices you make. Yet all you get by waiting is more waiting, as now is the moment where it all happens; everything which happens only ever happens now.
Did you take notice that you did exactly what I warned you about –
James: “You are right that I have a life-time habit of sitting back and bowing out”. (link)
There is another reason why it is not only counterproductive but impossible to do what you are wondering about –
Richard: With the absolute certainty/ total absence of choice of the PCE the invocation of destiny (oblivion/ extinction) is the deadly simple and fascinated contemplation of the fact that, as physical death is the end of ‘being’ anyway, it might as well happen sooner rather than later. (The oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at physical death is entirely without benefit in regards peace-on-earth whereas the oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at this moment in time is entirely beneficial to the host body and of a facilitatory benefit to all other bodies).
The fascinated contemplation – ‘fascinated’ as in a moth to a flame – morphs into a pure contemplation (as in an apperceptivity) upon it becoming startlingly apparent as an experiential actuality that this moment in time has no duration.
What this means, to an identity for whom time moves (as in past/ present/ future), is that the keep-it-safe extinction of ‘being’ (cunningly projected into some future moment) will be happening now when it does take place. (Time has no duration in actuality; now, being eternal, is already always dynamic in that everything happens now; nothing ever happens in past/ present/ future time).
As now is the way, then now is the means; as now is the means, then now is the end … !Bingo! … it is no longer possible to distinguish between life being lived and life doing the living as any such cause and effect has vanished without a trace (it never was anyway as time, as in past/ present/ future, has no existence in actuality).
This is ‘my’ moment of glory; this is ‘my’ crowning achievement; this makes ‘my’ petty life all worthwhile; this is ‘my’ most noble sacrifice[1] for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear; this is ‘my’ legacy for all humankind; ‘my’ reward is to go blessedly into the oblivion ‘I’ have secretly craved all along.
‘My’ extinction made all this possible.
Regards, Richard.
P.S.: The key-word is: inevitability. [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Rick, 3 Dec 2009).Footnote: Most noble sacrifice [1]: ‘Voluntary ‘self’-sacrifice means an altruistic offering, a philanthropic contribution, a generous gift, a charitable donation, a magnanimous present; to devote and give over one’s being as a humane gratuity, an open-handed endowment, a munificent bequest, a kind-hearted benefaction.
A sacrifice is the relinquishment of something valued or desired for the sake of something more important or worthy … it is the deliberate abandonment, relinquishment, forfeiture or loss for the sake of something illustrious, brilliant, extraordinary and excellent.
It means to forgo, quit, vacate, discontinue, stop, cease or immolate so that one’s guerdon is to be able to be unrepressed, unconstrained, unselfconscious, uninhibited, unrestrained, unrestricted, uncontrolled, uncurbed, unchecked, unbridled, candid, outspoken, spontaneous, relaxed, informal, open, free and easy.
As I have remarked before, ‘I’ go out in a blaze of glory’. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 26 June 2000).
When you read all these carefully chosen expressions for being generous, philanthropic and magnanimous regarding the “most noble sacrifice”, what would be the word for someone who wants to withhold/ postpone such possible generosity, which they at first considered the perfect act to allow to happen, until just shortly before they die so as to hold onto their ‘precious’ until the last moment of real-world time (because “this could be something to look forward to”) but then ask if they would still reap the benefit of the allegedly altruistic experience?
My mind still reels of the cunning ways identities invent to stay in existence and thus avoid paying the price.
Practically speaking, do you find it feasible that after months or years of “sitting back and bowing out” you suddenly can revitalise your connection to pure intent sufficiently to allow to happen what you have postponed all your life?
Besides, this imaginary plan is not viable simply because there would be no benefit whatsoever for this body (which is about to die) nor for that body nor for anybody, and therefore no altruistic motive. It would not be a generous offering for anybody. Viz.:
Richard: The oblivion/ extinction of ‘being’ at physical death is entirely without benefit in regards peace-on-earth …
Here is something for you to consider to do in the meantime –
RESPONDENT: Does it rule out the possibility of man one day finding the elixir of life?
RICHARD: There is no need to even search for an elixir vitae – the very stuff each and every body is comprised of (and each and every thing for that matter) is already always existent – let alone find one.
If you were to hold a hand up before the eyes, palm towards the face, and rotate it slowly through space – all the while considering that the very stuff the hand is comprised of is as old as the universe – whilst looking from the front of the eyes, as it were (and not through the eyes), what is being discussed may very well become apparent as an experiential understanding.
One experience is worth a thousand words. (Richard, AF List, No. 66, 19 May 2005).
Cheers Vineeto
Everything you’ve said here rings true. I still haven’t recovered from my health incident a year ago to reach the same level of enjoyment and appreciation that I had. The vitality is just not there although I have somewhat recovered.
I may never fully recover due to age.
This could be as good as it gets which is not bad
Thanks to you and actualism I am still able to do what I am doing.
Hi James,
I appreciate your response and getting on in years I experience some side-effects of senescence myself. It’s good to hear that “as good as it gets” “is not bad” and that actualism has helped you to still do what you are doing.
I wish you the maximum enjoyment, and appreciation you can experience, in this very moment of being alive.
Cheers Vineeto
So last week or so has been a bit of a germination period, this time I have not been getting upset over phone transfers or anything of the kind though 
.
The past day or so I have started to experience these moments of apperceptiveness but it’s different now. Perhaps it’s because when ‘I’ come back ‘I’ know that ‘I’ become extinct for an actual freedom to eventuate. It’s like before ‘I’ saw it as 2 worlds and it seemed like maybe (if ‘I’ hoped very hard) ‘I’ would manage to squeeze through into the actual world… But of course in practice it ended up being something like the below :
@Vineeto I think this is the video that you were looking for the other day, I had a good giggle re-watching it .
So since that experience of ‘the veil’ it has been so clear that ‘I’ become extinct and then actual freedom eventuates. BUT this “then” is actually instantaneous, this is what those moments of apperceptiveness show. That when ‘I’ blink out there is already a completeness in place, as Srinath wrote there is “a new consciousness – of a piece with the body”. From those experiences I can understand now what Peter wrote here :
Peter: The whole experience was like a seamless transition between two worlds – from being a feeling being trapped within an illusionary all-encompassing self-created and sustained bubble to being here in the actual world
The other thing which has been going on recently is that I am finally getting into the habit of feeling good come what may. It’s like the first few years of my involvement with actualism I did a lot of intellectualisation without much action, then the past couple of years was a period of pedal to the metal aiming for either out from control or actual freedom. But in all those years I ignored the meat and potatoes of the actualism method. Richard said nothing can be swept under the rug, indeed not, especially when it is the thing which the actualism method is all about .
And it is working in a very simple way, to borrow Geoffrey’s metaphor - I am walking down the wide and wondrous path where the sun is shining and the birds are signing, and all is well. Then all of a sudden I notice I took a couple of steps off the path and towards the woods nearby, and noticing this I simply decline, and sure enough I am back on the path. And the more I do this the less I am prone to wander off.
And when I think about why I didn’t/couldn’t do this in the past it seems it is because I wanted/needed to go into those woods again and again, to finally be completely certain that there is nothing of interest to be found there.
Now when I notice that I took a step or two off the path and I see where I am going, it is so clear that it is towards a place which I have been to countless times, and nothing fruitful ever came of it, so I decline.
And that ‘place in the woods’, these are habits which (as Richard said) have simply been given reign countless of times in a lifetime, and now the habit can be broken, by not taking a single step down that path again and instead getting back to where the sun is shining and the birds are singing.
Kuba: So last week or so has been a bit of a germination period, this time I have not been getting upset over phone transfers or anything of the kind though.
The past day or so I have started to experience these moments of apperceptiveness but it’s different now. Perhaps it’s because when ‘I’ come back ‘I’ know that ‘I’ become extinct for an actual freedom to eventuate. It’s like before ‘I’ saw it as 2 worlds and it seemed like maybe (if ‘I’ hoped very hard) ‘I’ would manage to squeeze through into the actual world… But of course in practice it ended up being something like the below : (snipped video with membrane)
Vineeto, I think this is the video that you were looking for the other day, I had a good giggle re-watching it.
So since that experience of ‘the veil’ it has been so clear that ‘I’ become extinct and then actual freedom eventuates. BUT this “then” is actually instantaneous, this is what those moments of apperceptiveness show. That when ‘I’ blink out there is already a completeness in place, as Srinath wrote there is “a new consciousness – of a piece with the body”. From those experiences I can understand now what Peter wrote here :Peter: The whole experience was like a seamless transition between two worlds – from being a feeling being trapped within an illusionary all-encompassing self-created and sustained bubble to being here in the actual world.
(link)
Hi Kuba,
Thank you for the update report and the video – I vaguely remember it from the first time. After you had these experiences you described are you now confident that it is safe to give the ‘green light’ to leave your ‘self’ behind?
Peter’s quote continues where you left off –
Peter: There was no dramatic end for ‘me’, no death-like traumatic experience, no prior psychic events or escapades, no “wall of fear”, no “abyss” – rather there was a profound experience of sweetness, a ready acknowledgement of my destiny and a final understanding that the feeling of separateness was nothing other than an illusion of ‘my’ own making.
The paragraph finishes with a comment from Richard partly quoted below –
Richard: And the reason why the word ‘magic’ is utilised (magic as in prestidigitation and not as in a sorcerer’s magic) is because no other word currently exists to adequately convey how a lifetime of cares and woes – all the misery and mayhem which epitomises the human condition – can vanish in an instant (and vanish so completely as to have never been in the first place). (Long Awaited Announcement, 3rd [R] tool-tip).
It is a truly wonderous adventure.
Here is a correspondence I had on the Direct Route mail-out three weeks after becoming actually free –
Vineeto: Peace-on-earth, the desire of the identity for peace-on-earth is the means to an end and the end is far, far bigger than peace-on-earth, which is quite a big thing already. The desire for peace for everybody, the near-actual caring for everybody (which always includes yourself, of course) and the yearning for a near-actual intimacy with your fellow human beings is what carries you across personal fears and panic attacks when the identity throws its survival-driven tantrums.
A goal beyond one’s personal happiness is required to cross or slide on past the wall of fear (as we recently termed it) or to overcome nagging doubts and buckling knees in the face of extinction. Without it you would be defeated by confusion, everlasting hesitation and pernicious power play.
I found near-actual caring for others to be the path to the gate to an actual freedom for both Peter and I but once I am here, as this flesh-and-blood only, in the actual world, actual caring comes effortless as a by-product of actual intimacy and is no longer the means to an end but the delicious fellowship regard that comes with the territory of having discovered something so magical, so precious, that I can’t help but want to share it with everyone.
Thank you for giving me the opportunity to write this to you. It gave me a memory of the sweetness that the identity experienced when ‘she’ was soo close to her destiny. (Direct Route, Vineeto to No. 4(D), 20 Jan 2010).
-
Kuba to Chrono: Just to add to the above, I was thinking about this with regards to me and Sonya, that it is simply “how things are” now when we are together that there is a lack of conflict and a mutual liking. That it would be ‘weird’ to operate in the way which would be classed as ‘normal’. As in those felicitous and innocuous vibes are the norm, to relate in sorrow and malice would now be the outlier. (link)
It’s a good sign and great to hear that you now consider ‘normal’ behaviour, i.e. the way ‘sane’ people operate and behave with each other as “weird”. I remember ‘Vineeto’ giggling at some point when ‘she’ realised how far ‘she’ had moved away from being ‘normal’ – and then it no longer mattered in the fascination of what was unfolding.
It’s also the perfect situation of exploring even more intimacy and playing with “how close we can get” – a game potential crew members of the convivium played after becoming new actually free – but one can play it at any time.
Cheers Vineeto
P.S.: I noticed that in the embedded video people in the alleged paradise all only danced by themselves, apparently intimate interacting is beyond normal imagination of a ‘good trip’.
Kuba: The other thing which has been going on recently is that I am finally getting into the habit of feeling good come what may. It’s like the first few years of my involvement with actualism I did a lot of intellectualisation without much action, then the past couple of years was a period of pedal to the metal aiming for either out from control or actual freedom. But in all those years I ignored the meat and potatoes of the actualism method. Richard said nothing can be swept under the rug, indeed not, especially when it is the thing which the actualism method is all about.
And it is working in a very simple way, to borrow Geoffrey’s metaphor – I am walking down the wide and wondrous path where the sun is shining and the birds are signing, and all is well. Then all of a sudden I notice I took a couple of steps off the path and towards the woods nearby, and noticing this I simply decline, and sure enough I am back on the path. And the more I do this the less I am prone to wander off.
And when I think about why I didn’t/ couldn’t do this in the past it seems it is because I wanted/ needed to go into those woods again and again, to finally be completely certain that there is nothing of interest to be found there.
Now when I notice that I took a step or two off the path and I see where I am going, it is so clear that it is towards a place which I have been to countless times, and nothing fruitful ever came of it, so I decline.
And that ‘place in the woods’, these are habits which (as Richard said) have simply been given reign countless of times in a lifetime, and now the habit can be broken, by not taking a single step down that path again and instead getting back to where the sun is shining and the birds are singing. (link)
Hi Kuba,
It’s great that your awareness is so fine-tuned now that you notice earlier and earlier when you have wandered off the path, so to speak, and can – “with knowledge aforethought – sensibly decline to futilely go down that well-trodden path to nowhere fruitful yet again”.
You are probably aware that there is more to be able to stay on the wide and wondrous path, because sometimes certain feelings are so persistent that declining would amount to suppression and further investigation is required. As you said to Leila –
Kuba: … once feeling good again ‘I’ can actually have fun working out how ‘I’ tick. (24 Jun 26)
Last time we talked about investigation you discovered that what you had done was “rumination” (link), which of course is not going to prevent the same feeling to be triggered again and again in similar situations.
Most feelings which arise are more than habits, after all, feelings and emotions are rooted in the instinctual survival passions and sometimes have to be meticulously taken apart, sorting out fact from fiction.
Richard: What ‘he’ always did however, as it was often tempting to just get on with life then, was to examine what it was all about within half-an-hour of getting back to feeling good (while the memory was still fresh) even if it meant sometimes falling back into feeling bad by doing so … else it would crop up again sooner or later. (Richard, AF List, No. 68c, 31 May 2005).
‘Vineeto’ has always liked mystery novels and ‘she’ likened finding out how ‘she’ ticked like solving a mystery – with practice, it became a fun game.
First, label the trigger and the feeling and gather the facts of the sequence when applicable. After all, sincerity is being “aligned with factuality”.
Then determine if the particular reaction is just a habit from which to ween oneself off, or a deeper-seated worry, fear or aversion having been triggered. It could be a pattern, a concept, a revered moral/ ethical/ spiritual value, a nice self-image, a ‘truth’ or pride, a power-trip, wanting to win a silly battle, to name just a few. What am I afraid to uncover? What will change when I give up this feeling?
If that does not yield any results, look on the ‘good’ side – what are the hoped-for rewards one is afraid to lose? What are the ‘good’ feelings I want to keep? In other words – the most significant question in any mystery – who benefits from having this drama?
I wish you best of fun to further unravel your identity.
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Vineeto,
That is a great question and I can confidently say yes, in those experiences (those moments of appercetiveness) it is not just that ‘I’ blink out, because from the perspective of that apperceptive seeing ‘I’ have never actually existed in the first place, and everything is complete.
So those experiences make me understand that quote of Richard’s :
Richard: And the reason why the word ‘magic’ is utilised (magic as in prestidigitation and not as in a sorcerer’s magic) is because no other word currently exists to adequately convey how a lifetime of cares and woes – all the misery and mayhem which epitomises the human condition – can vanish in an instant (and vanish so completely as to have never been in the first place). (Long Awaited Announcement, 3rd [R] tool-tip).
In those experiences this is exactly what happens, but only temporarily, ‘I’ am here one second and then next ‘I’ have never existed, ‘I’ am seen for that “dream which in fact never was”. So when ‘I’ come back the memory of this is imprinted, along with the knowing that it is safe for ‘me’ to become extinct.
Vineeto: After you had these experiences you described are you now confident that it is safe to give the ‘green light’ to leave your ‘self’ behind?
Kuba: That is a great question and I can confidently say yes, in those experiences (those moments of apperceptiveness) it is not just that ‘I’ blink out, because from the perspective of that apperceptive seeing ‘I’ have never actually existed in the first place, and everything is complete.
So those experiences make me understand that quote of Richard’s :Richard: And the reason why the word ‘magic’ is utilised (magic as in prestidigitation and not as in a sorcerer’s magic) is because no other word currently exists to adequately convey how a lifetime of cares and woes – all the misery and mayhem which epitomises the human condition – can vanish in an instant (and vanish so completely as to have never been in the first place). (Long Awaited Announcement, 3rd [R] tool-tip).
In those experiences this is exactly what happens, but only temporarily, ‘I’ am here one second and then next ‘I’ have never existed, ‘I’ am seen for that “dream which in fact never was”. So when ‘I’ come back the memory of this is imprinted, along with the knowing that it is safe for ‘me’ to become extinct. (link)
Hi Kuba,
I am pleased to hear you can now confidently confirm that you know “that it is safe for ‘me’ to become extinct”.
You said 2 weeks ago –
Kuba: So there were two things which were impressed on ‘me’ when ‘seeing past the veil’:
The actual world does genuinely exist and it is complete, consummate.
‘I’ have to die in order for this body to be free to live there. (13 June 2026).
Now knowing that “‘I’ have to die in order for this body to be free to live there”, as in having it “impressed on ‘me’”, is one thing. What remains now for ‘you’ is to initiate the actualism process, where you eventually allow and whole-heartedly welcome ‘your’ oblivion via an ongoing dynamic experience of pure intent, which is also described as a continuous excellence experience and being naiveté itself[1].
Footnote [1] Being naiveté itself:
Richard: To be naïveté itself (i.e., naïveté embodied as a childlike persona with adult sensibilities), which is to be the closest one can to innocence whilst remaining a ‘self’ (innocence is where ‘self’ is not), one is both likeable and liking for herewith lies tenderness and/or sweetness and togetherness and/or closeness whereupon moment-to-moment experiencing is of traipsing through the world about in a state of wide-eyed wonder and amazement as if a child again (guileless, artless, ingenuous, innocuous)—yet with adult sensibilities whereby the distinction betwixt being naïve and being gullible is readily separable—simply marvelling at the sheer magnificence of this oh-so-material universe’s absoluteness and unabashedly delighting in its boundless beneficence, its limitless largesse, as being the experiencing is inherently cornucopian (due to the near-absence of agency which ensues when the controlling doer is abeyant and the naïve beer is ascendant), with a blitheness and a gaiety such that the likelihood of the magical fairy-tale-like nature of this paradisaical terraqueous globe, this bounteously verdant and azure planet, becoming ever-so-sweetly apparent, as an experiential actuality, is almost always imminent. (Richard’s Personal Webpage, A Quaint Clay-Pit Tale, Last Tool-tip)
I noticed you have the habit to always be looking for a short-cut or a realisation big enough to bring an instant result (hence having “a good giggle” at the “Jump Street Tripping Scene” video (link). However, it is the actualisation of many realisations, and in due course allowing life to live one that an actual freedom eventuates –
>Richard: Being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, No. 12, 9 Dec 2009a).
Here is a short summary, written three weeks after ‘Vineeto’s’ transition into the actual world, which can perhaps serve as inspiration what to do in the meantime (the longer description is in Richard’s correspondence to Srinath) –
Vineeto to No. 13 … As I said elsewhere, becoming harmless (and therefore happy) was the beginning of being caring and in the end it was a near-actual caring that made me dare to give everything of ‘me’ without further reservation. This willingness to give everything of what ‘I’ hold most dear, to abandon ‘me’ at the core of my ‘being’ for the benefit of this body, that body and every body is the inevitable end of ‘me’.
Subscriber No. 13: If this is true, people on the path can pay exclusive attention to this ‘caring, a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster’ and use it as the driving force behind the whole process of becoming harmless and happy
Vineeto: Well said.
This caring (becoming as harmless as possible and moving towards a near-actual caring) is of course not to be confused with the feeling caring that is taught as part of the (religious) morals and ethics of society. One is taught to be un-selfish, to put the other before oneself (which never ever happens in practice), in order to reap a feeling-better-than-thou superiority and/or a reward in a mythical life after physical death.
Provided you understand that the moral/ feeling caring is only keeping you locked within the human condition and that near-actual caring includes you as much as everyone else, then you can indeed use it as the driving force for the whole process of becoming free. (Direct Route, Vineeto to No. 13, 25 Jan 2010).
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your reply, if I am to be honest with myself though it seems that at the moment I still need to spend some more time with the simple application of the actualism method, the thing which I have been omitting for a long time.
When I look at this possibility of stepping out from control, and when I don’t go into any maps or self-deceptions then it is like I don’t have the kind of ‘juice’ required to proceed. As in there isn’t sufficient felicity and innocuity which would allow such a thing to happen.
I was re-reading “the instruction manual” (this moment of being alive) this morning and I was thinking how I never liked that article (that is an alarm bell already). In the past I was always more inclined to read the attentiveness and sensuousness and apperceptiveness article… But the reason I was inclined towards it was because I was able to pervert the advice in that article into a form of buddhistic noting. This buddhistic noting I haven’t been doing for a while now but then I haven’t taken the time to fully comprehend what the “instruction manual” is all about either.
So when reading the article this morning and giving it all a go in practice the first thing which stood out was :
Before applying the actualism method – the ongoing enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive – it is essential for success to grasp the fact that this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive
It is the very first words written also haha. But what I notice is that this awareness of the fact that “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive” is the backdrop against which seeing the silliness of feeling bad successfully takes place. That I am alive right now, and that this is precious, and that I am wasting this precious opportunity feeling X instead.
And I notice when I am not anchored by this awareness (of this moment being my only moment of being alive) that is when instead of seeing the silliness of feeling bad I turn to rumination instead.
Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your reply, if I am to be honest with myself though it seems that at the moment I still need to spend some more time with the simple application of the actualism method, the thing which I have been omitting for a long time.
When I look at this possibility of stepping out from control, and when I don’t go into any maps or self-deceptions then it is like I don’t have the kind of ‘juice’ required to proceed. As in there isn’t sufficient felicity and innocuity which would allow such a thing to happen.
I was re-reading “the instruction manual” (this moment of being alive) this morning and I was thinking how I never liked that article (that is an alarm bell already). In the past I was always more inclined to read the attentiveness and sensuousness and apperceptiveness article… But the reason I was inclined towards it was because I was able to pervert the advice in that article into a form of buddhistic noting. This buddhistic noting I haven’t been doing for a while now but then I haven’t taken the time to fully comprehend what the “instruction manual” is all about either.
Hi Kuba,
I am very pleased you are comprehending this significant fact of where you are at, and courageously and sincerely share this understanding. It is quite a common mistake to craft actualism atop of one’s previous learning and practice, and yet everyone can only discover this happening and admit to it when the time is ripe. By the way, ‘Vineeto’ for a long time did not like the “attentiveness … article because it sounded too similar to buddhistic wording for ‘her’ to grasp the vital difference and in the past ‘she’ had been immersed in a different school of Eastern spiritual practice. But I guess you can relate to the following quote –
Richard to Alan: … such tergiversation reminds me of what feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ reported after the first few weeks of listening to me/ reading my words.
Speaking in regards to the effects any and all attempts to fit this totally new paradigm into ‘her’ existing mindset were having, ‘she’ explained the process as being … (1.) as if ‘her’ brain was being turned upside-down … and how (2.) ‘she’ was having to relearn how to think all over again. (Richard, List D, Alan, #1).
It’s a crucial step.
I noticed over the years that quite a few people, who are/were sincerely, and sometimes desperately, interested in an actual freedom from the human condition would approach it by wanting to know a lot about the last steps just prior self-immolation before slowly coming down to earth and realising that’s an actual freedom is not achieved by (spiritual) ‘mind-power’ (i.e. the ‘right’ realisations) but by starting – practically – where one is at. In the first few months ‘Vineeto’ was one of them, and only when ‘she’ realised that this was a waste of time, did ‘she’ have successes in applying the actualism method. Often the first few months, or years, are taken up by clearing the workbench and starting afresh.
Kuba: So when reading the article this morning and giving it all a go in practice the first thing which stood out was :
Richard: Before applying the actualism method – the ongoing enjoyment and appreciation of this moment of being alive – it is essential for success to grasp the fact that this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive.
It is the very first words written also haha. But what I notice is that this awareness of the fact that “this very moment which is happening now is your only moment of being alive” is the backdrop against which seeing the silliness of feeling bad successfully takes place. That I am alive right now, and that this is precious, and that I am wasting this precious opportunity feeling X instead.
And I notice when I am not anchored by this awareness (of this moment being my only moment of being alive) that is when instead of seeing the silliness of feeling bad I turn to rumination instead. (link)
Indeed, “this moment being the only moment of being alive” is the backdrop to all the techniques described how to minimize the ‘self’-enhancing feelings and maximise the felicitous/ innocuous feelings. The remembrance of your numerous experiences of what this means experientially should stand you in good stead when you become aware of it again and again.
Also, as I wrote to you in a recent message (link), seeing the silliness is not all there is to the art of minimising the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, i.e. ‘me’.
Cheers Vineeto
In reading this I realized that I am wasting my valuable time in wanting to feel better and ridding the pain instead of enjoying and appreciating TMOBA with pain and all.
Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your words of encouragement 
Yes I am certainly taking note of this, I guess I am just addressing one blind spot at a time.
Yes and I wanted to give an example from some success today because it is so simple when it works. So taking an example of a worry, in the past when a worry came up I would go into that worry to try to resolve it, like I was trying to prove to myself that there is nothing to worry about by ruminating about it, but only more worry ever came from this kind of activity…
Whereas today when a worry came up it was the recognition that I am wasting this moment of being alive by ‘being’ worry, which cut right through it. I never saw it from that angle, that it is that very activity of worrying which is getting in the way of enjoying and appreciating this (only) moment of being alive. And in the past I have tangled myself in some knots to try to end a worry by going into it and ruminating about it, essentially trying to end worry by worrying about it. But it was exactly that recognition that it is this moment of being alive which was the anchor for all this to work so effortlessly.
So indeed it is like turning my brain upside down.
Hi Vineeto,
So it looks my attention is now shifting to this aspect of minimising ‘me’. I have a good fresh example also which is nice. So I was doing some BJJ training just now with one of my regular training partners and this new training partner who is an experienced MMA fighter looking to sharpen up his grappling skills. All in all we had a really good training session but there was 1 instance where I detected not only a diminishment in feeling good but also a link to a more persistent part of my identity which is clearly behind it all.
It happened as I was sparring with the new training partner whilst my regular training partner was watching the round play out. I am currently still a little crippled with my knee so (in an attempt to take out any dynamic motion) I gave up a dominant position to my opponent with the intent of working out of it safely and then countering. BUT I was kind of trapped haha and it took some good doing and a few failed attempts to finally escape.
Then there was this feeling of some kind of shame, of having failed to live up to some kind of a standard. So firstly I got back to feeling good and have been feeling good since. And actually there has now been this sincere, maybe even naive fascination at discovering just which part of ‘me’ is behind it all.
So to go step by step, I did in fact get back to feeling good, I am well aware of what the trigger was as well as the facts of the sequence and I also have some breadcrumbs leading to the part of ‘me’ which has been threatened. It is clear that my regular training partner watching was a pivotal part in setting the scene for this particular drama, it gives a clue as to what this part of my identity is all about… It is something like being a leader, that by demonstrating excellence I am helping to pull others forward in their own development. Which by itself this would not be a problematic MO, and yet there is something dirty here. Which means there must be a ‘good’ feeling behind this, what do ‘I’ get from being in this position of a leader demonstrating excellence. Clearly this is how ‘I’ belong, this is the position ‘I’ have carved for ‘myself’ in this particular group, and it comes with the perks of being respected, paid attention to, liked etc. And yet that ‘position in the group’ is a prison cell and I wish to be free from it.
I think that is as far as I got with it so far, I don’t expect this to be resolved immediately as I know this to be a very persistent part of my identity. It’s more I guess to run this by you, to see if this is the kind of investigating you were recommending in your posts to me. It does not feel like rumination, because I am feeling good and it is actually quite exciting/fun to dig into it, I am quite fascinated at unravelling it.
Ah it seems quite clear that it is the “being looked up to” part which is the dirty part, that is the ‘good’ feeling I was trying to have happen and of course when it all failed it turned into shame. So this “inspiring through excellence” is a furphy I tell myself so that I can cunningly play the game of being looked up to, that is what I was protecting.
Well that is something very beneficial which has come from this for sure, that this “self-less leader” is a furphy and underneath it is self-centricity, it is indeed about ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’. This drama has persisted in me for so long because I sold it to myself that it was about the benefit to others, it was hiding under the guise of some kind of nobility.
There was 2 more things that came of all this. Firstly it does look like something clicked, because later on when I read back that post, and I read the part where I still believed it was some noble “inspiring through excellence” I had very much this sense of “how could I have been such a fool to believe this”.
But then there has been this other feeling pop up, this one @Andrew knows well That sometime after, like an attack out of nowhere, this feeling of “what on earth have I just written, what if I am completely wrong, off by a mile. Have I just made an utter fool of myself, have I just demonstrated my complete lack of understanding of the actualism method” etc.
I know this feeling well because I have experienced it many times writing so much, and I guess so far I have kind of accepted it as par for the course of looking to expose ‘myself’. But really I would much rather be without it. Of course I will be wrong about many things yet to come but why does it have to be such a drama every time? This one has dogged me for a while now and would certainly like to get to the bottom of it.
It looks like this is all beginning to outline the aspect of ‘me’ which is the culprit. I have written about ‘my’ narcissism before, but this is not quite it, maybe something like a vanity, the fact that ‘I’ derive ‘my’ good feelings from sitting atop some elevated position, which of course means there is always the fear of falling from the prideful place, the shame of not living up to a standard etc. There has always been a yearning to be free from this, to simply be a fellow human being, without the need to prove anything or to fear loosing some ‘position’.
What I see now is that this desire for excellence is actually underpinned by self-centricity, it’s like what Srinath wrote, that ‘I’ don’t care about the issues themselves, rather it is ‘I’ who needs to be verified and affirmed.
I see what Richard meant now when he wrote that “pride and humility are standing in the way of ceasing all self-centred activity”.
And the way I see it now is that it is for nothing ultimately, that ‘I’ make everything about ‘me’ for no justifiable reason at all, only to affirm ‘myself’. As Richard said ‘I’ have arrogated responsibility with demonstrably disastrous consequences.
And of course this is what ‘I’ do, as ‘I’ am a scared, lost, lonely and cunning psychic entity, that is why ‘I’ self-centrically turn everything into a tool to re-affirm ‘myself’, to gain some ‘security’ about ‘my’ existence.
Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Vineeto: Also, as I wrote to you in a recent message (link), seeing the silliness is not all there is to the art of minimising the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings, i.e. ‘me’.
First, label the trigger and the feeling and gather the facts of the sequence when applicable. After all, sincerity is being “aligned with factuality”.
Then determine if the particular reaction is just a habit from which to ween oneself off, or a deeper-seated worry, fear or aversion having been triggered. It could be a pattern, a concept, a revered moral/ ethical/ spiritual value, a nice self-image, a ‘truth’ or pride, a power-trip, wanting to win a silly battle, to name just a few. What am I afraid to uncover? What will change when I give up this feeling?
If that does not yield any results, look on the ‘good’ side – what are the hoped-for rewards one is afraid to lose? What are the ‘good’ feelings I want to keep? In other words – the most significant question in any mystery – who benefits from having this drama?
Kuba: So it looks my attention is now shifting to this aspect of minimising ‘me’. I have a good fresh example also which is nice. So I was doing some BJJ training just now with one of my regular training partners and this new training partner who is an experienced MMA fighter looking to sharpen up his grappling skills. All in all we had a really good training session but there was 1 instance where I detected not only a diminishment in feeling good but also a link to a more persistent part of my identity which is clearly behind it all.
It happened as I was sparring with the new training partner whilst my regular training partner was watching the round play out. I am currently still a little crippled with my knee so (in an attempt to take out any dynamic motion) I gave up a dominant position to my opponent with the intent of working out of it safely and then countering. BUT I was kind of trapped haha and it took some good doing and a few failed attempts to finally escape.
Then there was this feeling of some kind of shame, of having failed to live up to some kind of a standard. So firstly I got back to feeling good and have been feeling good since. And actually there has now been this sincere, maybe even naive fascination at discovering just which part of ‘me’ is behind it all.
So to go step by step, I did in fact get back to feeling good, I am well aware of what the trigger was as well as the facts of the sequence and I also have some breadcrumbs leading to the part of ‘me’ which has been threatened. It is clear that my regular training partner watching was a pivotal part in setting the scene for this particular drama, it gives a clue as to what this part of my identity is all about… It is something like being a leader, that by demonstrating excellence I am helping to pull others forward in their own development. Which by itself this would not be a problematic MO, and yet there is something dirty here. Which means there must be a ‘good’ feeling behind this, what do ‘I’ get from being in this position of a leader demonstrating excellence. Clearly this is how ‘I’ belong, this is the position ‘I’ have carved for ‘myself’ in this particular group, and it comes with the perks of being respected, paid attention to, liked etc. And yet that ‘position in the group’ is a prison cell and I wish to be free from it.
I think that is as far as I got with it so far, I don’t expect this to be resolved immediately as I know this to be a very persistent part of my identity. It’s more I guess to run this by you, to see if this is the kind of investigating you were recommending in your posts to me. It does not feel like rumination, because I am feeling good and it is actually quite exciting/fun to dig into it, I am quite fascinated at unravelling it.
Ah it seems quite clear that it is the “being looked up to” part which is the dirty part, that is the ‘good’ feeling I was trying to have happen and of course when it all failed it turned into shame. So this “inspiring through excellence” is a furphy I tell myself so that I can cunningly play the game of being looked up to, that is what I was protecting.
Well that is something very beneficial which has come from this for sure, that this “self-less leader” is a furphy and underneath it is self-centricity, it is indeed about ‘me’ ‘me’ ‘me’. This drama has persisted in me for so long because I sold it to myself that it was about the benefit to others, it was hiding under the guise of some kind of nobility. (link)
Hi Kuba,
The significant sentence is “So it looks my attention is now shifting to this aspect of minimising ‘me’” – and coupled with a “sincere, maybe even naïve fascination at discovering just which part of ‘me’ is behind it all”. This “aspect of minimising ‘me’” appears to be something new in your approach to actualism, possibly the missing aspect which caused you going round “in circles” (for instance 20 Nov 2025, 5 Jan 2026 and 21 May 2026).
Every technique for the actualism method is to facilitate minimising ‘me’, i.e. the ‘good’ and bad feelings, and make the already existing actual world apparent. In absence of this overarching intent applying the actualism method becomes –
Richard: … an unendorsed/ unsanctioned unilateral pursuit I have previously referred to, when talking face-to-face with some of those so inclined, as a suave-and-sophisticated “faux-actualism practice” being studiously observed, for its urbane effect, by its resultant “buttoned-down pseudo-actualist” practician. (Richard, List D, Martin, #text: unendorsed).
This quote is only to emphasise the vital importance for anyone interested in actualism to ascertain what one is aiming for – minimising ‘me’ – to perhaps avoid both frustration and wasting time and perhaps being easier able to recognize and identify the various manoeuvres of one’s identity to sabotage the actualism method into a ‘self’-preserving/ ‘self’-enhancing technique.
Because you are now confident that the actual world actually exists and it is safe to leave your ‘self’ behind (link), you are now able to agree to, and focus on, “this aspect of minimising ‘me’”, when looking at a particular issue that diminishes feeling good. (Isn’t this adventure better than a captivating detective story?).
Regarding “inspiring through excellence” – it is imitating the perfection of the universe when one aspires excellence, and beneficial when others are inspired to imitate this excellence, however, the moment ‘I’ take the credit and make it my own, it becomes dirty, it has power added to one’s expertise and excellence, and power over others is always ‘self’-serving and ‘self’-enhancing.
Cheers Vineeto
Hi Vineeto,
Yes that is very correct! I was thinking just that recently. You know I think in the past deep down ‘I’ did not want to proceed, so everything was ultimately set up to go round in circles.
But now having seen that the actual world actually exists and it is safe to leave ‘my’ self behind, it is literally a case of practically moving from here to there, putting the tyres to the road now.
Yes, fortunately for the purposes of a dire warning to others and unfortunately for the fellow human being in question, there has been a clear recent example of what this looks like when taken to it’s conclusion - Syd's Slow Journal
The other thing I notice about the difference between successful investigation and either rumination or something like buddhistic noting. Is that with successful investigation ‘I’ am actively involved, not unlike a keen detective, there is this invigorating quality to it, that ‘I’ must look and discover.
Whereas both rumination and buddhistic noting is where ‘I’ sit back and passively observe from a distance.
And it looks like the reason why ‘I’ would cunningly employ something like rumination or buddhistic noting is because deep down ‘I’ did not want to change! Because with a genuine investigation ‘I’ am well aware that a part of ‘me’ will be saying “bye-bye” for good. So instead to passively sit back and observe ‘I’ can pay lip service to seeking change whilst remaining the same.
