Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Kuba: Today it happened when I ran a bath and just as I got in this shift occurred, and magically I found myself in the world where “nothing dirty can get in”, the perfection and purity was undeniable, and in that experience I as this body am just as clean as the rest of the world. This aspect in particular is so delightful, that there is nothing ‘dirty’ anywhere to be found, not in the world and not in the body.

Vineeto: This is amusing in the way you described it…

Lol I did not notice that at all, but it is quite amusing

@Vineeto

…and it is indeed so that utter purity prevails here, of which the feeling of beauty is only a paltry imitation (plus it requires ugliness for comparison). And yet beauty is considered the highest value in the real world, equivalent to truth (Truth) – in spirituality – and in mathematics.

So this is the other thing that I can see now, the role that the good feelings played in maintaining the dramas.

You wrote to me a while back :

@Vineeto

Ah you recognized what caused “the morning resentments and the evening gloom” – according to Geoffrey’s metaphor “being lost in the woods nearby”. Naturally that also means you were not “spending the day-time in paradise”, they were feelings of a conditional happiness or perhaps good feelings. This paradise was a real-world paradise, not actuality or near-actuality. I can say this with confidence because if you had spent the day in actual “paradise” you would not have experienced “the evening gloom” and “morning resentments” day after day. The meaning you were looking for was not in the day-time “paradise”, those feelings ended when the conditions/ activities causing your happiness ended. As you said yourself – “it’s selling out”.

I remember back then I took note of what you said but at the time I just couldn’t quite see how there could be any good feelings in there. But that is the thing with good feelings, they are seductive and as such they can be difficult to see for what they are. I see it clear as day now though, that the bad is indeed kept in place by the good. In fact this is a useful clue in general, that if one’s suspected ‘felicitous and innocuous’ feelings have one swinging from one side to the other then they are good feelings in disguise. Experiencing the utter purity of actuality I now have a solid reference to check whether there are indeed any good feelings going on.

But those good feelings they can be very slippery indeed! I am reminded of the below :

Richard: What did not get included in those second and third paragraphs, regarding feeling-being ‘Grace’ and her rigorous gradations, was ‘her’ oft-repeated observation – regarding the onset of the third stage, on that range of naïveness, where ‘her’ gradation of ‘great’ related to sweetness – about a bifurcation manifesting where the instinctual tendency/ temptation was to veer off in the direction of love and its affectuous intimacy (due to a self-centric attractiveness towards feeling affectionate) as contrasted to a conscious choice being required so as to somehow have that sweetness then segue into a naïve intimacy via what ‘she’ described as ‘richness’ and graded as ‘excellent’.

The good feelings in question were not specifically “love and its affectuous intimacy” in my case but they “slipped in” unnoticed nevertheless. I know now that I am on the right track when I am no longer swinging from one side to the other (from the good to the bad, from hope to despair, from security to insecurity etc) which is exactly what is going on recently.

But this is a good warning for others, that one has to be rigorous with regards to the content and quality of one’s affective experience, I mean in my case those good feelings went completely unnoticed, it took quite some time before I was able to pinpoint what was going on.

To summarise the game ‘I’ was playing - ‘I’ was addicted to being saved, and round and round in circles ‘I’ went.