Yes I can personally no longer agree with this one. I had this very conversation with my mum a while ago, I told her that those precious ‘human’ feelings are the reason why there are the wars and rapes and suicides and depressions etc.
It is interesting because she will come to talk to me about some problem caused by those precious feelings and then see it as an affront to suggest that they are the problem lol.
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Vineeto: With that in mind, enjoying and appreciating the final scene of the “emotional play in a fertile imagination” is the only sensible thing to do.
Kuba: OK so what I get from this (and also linking it back to my previous post above) is that the ‘final scene’ will be somewhat dramatic however I do not have to get serious about it.
Mmh, you seem to have not only skipped Richard’s quotes but overlooked them altogether –
Richard: You need to have a keen sense of humour. This business of becoming free is not – contrary to popular opinion – a serious business at all. Be totally sincere … most definitely utterly sincere, as genuineness is essential. But serious … no way. (…)
Richard: ‘My’ demise was as fictitious as ‘my’ apparent presence. I have always been here, I realise, it was that ‘I’ only imagined that ‘I’ existed. It was all an emotional play in a fertile imagination … [Emphases added]. (Richard, Articles, This Moment of Being Alive).
When you say “will be somewhat dramatic” are you possibly referring to the quality of what ‘drama’ can mean –
drama, synonyms: play, show, piece, spectacle, dramatization, screenplay, theatrics, performance (Oxford Dictionary)?
Or are you rather thinking of “dramatic” as in “action-packed, hair-raising, impassioned, melodramatic” (Oxford Dictionary)?
It is ‘your’ drama/play and you can play it out however you like, you are the scriptwriter, the protagonist, the director and the producer – it can even be a comedy (as Geoffrey’s was (link)).
Perhaps you can also spare a consideration, if possible, for your post-mortem audience who will be either encouraged/ enticed or discouraged/ frightened by the choice of your final scene. And just that there is no misunderstanding, the choice is not made by ‘I’, the controller, but via an ‘Exquisite Awareness-Cum-Attentiveness’ (link) to ‘me’ being “all an emotional play in a fertile imagination”.
Kuba: Those passionate instinctual reactions will happen as ‘I’ approach ‘my’ demise, this is par for the course. However instead of becoming serious I can enjoy and appreciate it for the thrilling adventure that it is. Which this brings the benefit of no longer having to control anything. After all, they are the ones who you intend to do this altruistic self-sacrifice for.
It is exactly like being on a rollercoaster ride, in that fear is there and yet this is something people pay money to do, and it is not serious at all. Once the fear is converted into thrill it becomes enjoyable. Or by the same token it is the same as paying money to go to the cinema/theatre to sit back and enjoy a drama. Are you saying that I can enjoy and appreciate whatever is going on at this point in this manner? (link)
It is not necessarily “par for the course” – you have done this replay of “passionate instinctual reactions” umpteen times, and recognized and described them well. You know them well, and when the drama was over there was nothing left but hot air – and you were again free to enjoy and delight and cherish being here. Here is what you said in a previous post –
Kuba: So it seems what I have been circling here is that even ‘my’ death is not a serious business. I can see that I was able to enjoy and appreciate and to remove seriousness from most aspects of my life but it is as if ‘I’ reserved a special place for it where it concerned arriving at ‘my’ destiny. This 1 thing seemed worthy enough to be serious about, that it was ‘worthy enough’ to forego enjoyment and appreciation for this 1 goal.
But I see now that there was never a need to get serious at all, which means the way forward is enjoyment and appreciation anyways. (link)
Once you widen the presently self-oriented perspective and realize (and actualize) that you are doing this altruistically for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, then ‘my’ death is no longer at centre stage and hence no longer the very serious business it has been so far.
I refer to Geoffrey’s report again – he says is better than I ever could –
Geoffrey: I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing. (link).
Cheers Vineeto
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Thank you for your response Vineeto, I will let the dust settle a little bit and consider properly what it is that you are getting at because I can see it’s all getting somewhat discombobulated on my end currently 
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So things are now again in full swing! The word mirificent is perfectly apt to describe the enjoyment and appreciation which is happening.
In that the enjoyment and appreciation has a magically meaningful component.
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OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist 
. Of course there is an ‘I’ currently in residence inside the flesh and blood body called Kuba, but ‘I’ am an illusion. It’s odd in that deep down ‘I’ already know this but I guess this hasn’t yet fully worked it’s way through the totality of ‘me’. So ‘I’ am here on one hand and yet on the other hand ‘I’ know (experientially) that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion. The fun part is that this has now flipped from being a serious affair and over to enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon.
Because ‘I’ don’t have to worry about anything anymore, ‘I’ don’t have to do anything anymore etc. It’s not that ‘I’ release the reins, it’s more that it is realised ‘I’ never existed in the first place.
I remember a few years ago a brief PCE where the breath breathed itself, this exact experience was what got me back onto the wide and wondrous path after a long lay off. I remember the incredible sense of release in seeing that just like the breath breathed itself, life lives itself.
And now I am starting to experience life in this manner, that everything is already always in place and has been all along, life was perfect all this time and ‘I’ only believed that ‘I’ existed - that is the crux of it all.
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Kuba: OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist . Of course there is an ‘I’ currently in residence inside the flesh and blood body called Kuba, but ‘I’ am an illusion. It’s odd in that deep down ‘I’ already know this but I guess this hasn’t yet fully worked it’s way through the totality of ‘me’. So ‘I’ am here on one hand and yet on the other hand ‘I’ know (experientially) that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion. The fun part is that this has now flipped from being a serious affair and over to enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon.
Because ‘I’ don’t have to worry about anything anymore, ‘I’ don’t have to do anything anymore etc. It’s not that ‘I’ release the reins, it’s more that it is realised ‘I’ never existed in the first place.
I remember a few years ago a brief PCE where the breath breathed itself, this exact experience was what got me back onto the wide and wondrous path after a long lay off. I remember the incredible sense of release in seeing that just like the breath breathed itself, life lives itself.
And now I am starting to experience life in this manner, that everything is already always in place and has been all along, life was perfect all this time and ‘I’ only believed that ‘I’ existed – that is the crux of it all. (link)
Hi Kuba,
It does sound wonderful and fun and it is great you enjoy letting go of the controls of ‘me’ living ‘my’ life. But something doesn’t seem quite right.
When you “know (experientially) that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” then the illusion disappears, just like when you see through a belief and discover the fact, you cannot make this fact unseen and go back to take up the belief again.
I wonder (and I can be wrong) if that ‘knowing’ “that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” is merely a narrative providing the veil which prevents the final altruistic act of immolation for the benefit of this body and every body to become actuality. Only the genuine permission to go into oblivion will do the trick.
Richard: Needless is it to add that, had it not been for that identity’s totally dedicated/ utterly devoted pure intent to not have intelligence be the loser, yet again for the umpteenth billionth time, this conversation would not be taking place (and that neither would this mailing list exist either)?
Respondent: Intelligence won and your identity ‘lost’, right?
Richard: No, blind nature lost … the identity got precisely what ‘he’ wanted more than anything else (the blessed release into oblivion) thereby allowing intelligence to operate unimpeded. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 68d, 10 Oct 2005).
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for this suggestion and I am considering it thoroughly.
It is odd because on one hand it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find anything that can tether ‘me’ for a little bit longer, that self-immolation will always be just in the future and as such never happen now.
On the other hand this same ‘I’ with clear knowledge of what is ahead of him, has devoted ‘his’ life to pursuing the goal which ends in this very self-immolation. And ‘he’ didn’t just treat it as some far out idea but ‘he’ has devoted ‘himself’ thoroughly to this goal each moment again.
So ‘I’ have done all ‘I’ can to ensure ‘my’ self-immolation and yet it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find the flimsiest of things which can keep ‘me’ in existence. ‘I’ am instinctually holding back that which ‘I’ want more than anything else.
For it to actually happen it must happen now, so it seems ‘I’ am using this narrative to ensure that it is still in the future, even if just by 1 second.
But ‘I’ don’t have a single reason left for it not to happen now. It is just the fact of it happening now, right now. Now is where all ‘my’ delaying tactics (along with ‘me’) go to die
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Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for this suggestion and I am considering it thoroughly.
Vineeto: [Richard]: No, blind nature lost … the identity got precisely what ‘he’ wanted more than anything else (Richard, AF List, No. 68d, 10 Oct 2005)
Kuba: It is odd because on one hand it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find anything that can tether ‘me’ for a little bit longer, that self-immolation will always be just in the future and as such never happen now.
On the other hand this same ‘I’ with clear knowledge of what is ahead of him, has devoted ‘his’ life to pursuing the goal which ends in this very self-immolation. And ‘he’ didn’t just treat it as some far out idea but ‘he’ has devoted ‘himself’ thoroughly to this goal each moment again.
So ‘I’ have done all ‘I’ can to ensure ‘my’ self-immolation and yet it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find the flimsiest of things which can keep ‘me’ in existence. ‘I’ am instinctually holding back that which ‘I’ want more than anything else.
Hi Kuba,
I have followed your process in the last 10 months and seen your persistent dedication and devotion to becoming actually free. When you say “‘I’ am instinctually holding back” only you can know if that is the case or merely an intellectual deduction. Because, as Richard said in his Journal –
Richard: ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. (pg 168)
Kuba: For it to actually happen it must happen now, so it seems ‘I’ am using this narrative to ensure that it is still in the future, even if just by 1 second.
But ‘I’ don’t have a single reason left for it not to happen now. It is just the fact of it happening now, right now. Now is where all ‘my’ delaying tactics (along with ‘me’) go to die. (link)
Your impatience of “it must happen now” is entirely superfluous because when you have “superb confidence and over-weening optimism” that it will happen when the time is ripe, you can fully enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon – just as you described it in your last message –
Kuba: “OK so things are getting pretty fun! … The fun part is that this has now flipped from being a serious affair and over to enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon.” (link)
I found a correspondence in which Richard sums up the last phase of the actualism process, and perhaps here you can find a pointer for yourself –
Richard: Having the “courage of your convictions” has nothing to do with believing, trusting, hoping or having faith that it be possible. I, for one, never believed, trusted, hoped or had faith that it was possible, for such an action of believing, trusting, hoping and having faith perpetuates the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. On the contrary, I could no longer believe that it was not possible – which is a different action entirely to believing, trusting, hoping and having faith that it is possible – thus dispensing with the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. Do you see this?
For example: Doubt is believing it not to be possible … doubt is actually an action of believing, which supports the believer. Faith is believing that it is possible … which also supports the believer … and thus, either way, the believer pushes freedom away into an ever elusive future.
All this stemmed from my peak experience in which I experienced the purity and the perfection of life itself – here and now – and thus saw that what others had perceived as being our reward after physical death already existed … at this moment in time and this place in space. Thus I ceased believing that life on earth was a grim business with only scant moments of reprieve … yet I did not start believing in perfection. To repeat: I stopped believing, period. All sorrow and malice stems from the activity of believing … which arises from the believer. ‘I’, as a psychological entity, can only believe – or disbelieve – in possibilities and impossibilities. In the peak experience ‘I’ temporarily abdicated the throne and I knew, by direct experience, that freedom was already actual. It was ‘I’ that was the problem, not the absence of perfection. When ‘I’ ceased to be, perfection became, as always, apparent. By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
Perfection is already always here. Yet ‘I’, by believing in a remembered perfection, chase an ever-elusive chimera into an ever-receding future. Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around … and perfection, which is only of the moment, becomes apparent. ‘I’ have ceased to be. By “doing nothing” I mean neither believing nor disbelieving; neither having faith nor having doubt; neither trusting nor distrusting; neither hoping nor despairing. In short, one’s superb confidence and over-weening optimism precipitates ‘my’ demise … ‘I’ do not make freedom happen … ‘I’ allow the universe to “disappear” the ‘me’ that I was … and perfection has become apparent. ‘I’ did not invoke perfection, for it already is here … and it is here now, not off into the future. It may have taken some time to eventuate, as ‘I’ got whittled away, yet when that time came, it was already here … because it is always now.
To sum up: ‘I’ do not make perfection happen because it is already always here. What ‘I’ do is to “stand still” and unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur. To do this, ‘I’ cease believing, hoping, trusting and having faith … without falling into disbelief, despair, distrust or doubt. ‘I’, having the courage of ‘my’ convictions – which is the confidence born out of the solid knowing as evidenced in the peak experience – thus developing a superb confidence and an over-weening optimism. Thus nothing can stand in ‘my’ way in this, the adventure of a life-time. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Private email, March 1999)
Cheers Vineeto
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Hi,
Yes ok I see what ‘I’ did, in that yesterday I was initially proceeding in this direction of - “Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around”, I was looking at ‘my’ life as if slowly eroding and there was a “superb confidence and over-weening optimism”. Then you made a suggestion of something that could perhaps expose another way in which ‘I’ am standing in the way of ‘my’ self immolation -
And instead of allowing this possibility to be considered in that same fashion ‘I’ went and pulled out all ‘my’ heavy artillery once more
You have repeated this advice many times now, that “‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen” and that ‘my’ challenge is to “do nothing” and to simply enjoy and appreciate this last stage of the actualism process.
It is starting to click now, it was tricky because for ‘me’ to realise and actualise that ‘I’ am redundant it is like a different direction than any in which ‘I’ have travelled in the past. It is like ‘I’ have all these tools or actions of which ‘I’ am capable of and each one of them only reinforces ‘me’ as an identity, so each one is not only useless at this point but also works actively against achieving my goal.
The only worthy ‘action’ (if it could be called that) for ‘me’ at this point is to enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon. Although enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon is more a result of ‘me’ gladly and blessedly stepping back and luxuriating in the fact that ‘I’ am not required, rather than bringing in ‘my’ heavy artillery and making things sudorific.
At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding. But it is more like I am spiralling, sometimes I will go over the same territory if only to realise for sure that the answer is not to be found there. I know I am not simply going around in circles now because for example those fearful reactions around self-immolation are no more. And now that I look back over the last 10 months there are so many things like this, various themes that had to be resolved, and they are all no more.
It seems at some point there was the time for all manner of searching and digging and extending ‘myself’ and now it is all about gladly and blessedly actualising the fact that ‘I’ am redundant. Whatever is found at this point is not an invitation for ‘me’ to take up the reins again, it never was actually but now I see it clearer.
The method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive and it seems the point is that something eventually happens to make ‘my’ exquisite affective enjoyment and appreciation segue into an actual enjoyment and appreciation for this flesh and blood body. This “something” ‘I’ do not do.
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I can see this same feature happens with anything that the mind processes. In that some new information will be presented, perhaps some problem requiring a solution and immediately ‘I’ want to grab onto the process, ‘I’ demand an answer now and so ‘I’ end up manufacturing something as opposed to allowing this information to “swish” around the brain until a genuine answer is located.
It is the difference between pure contemplation and ‘me’ thinking about something. In pure contemplation there is thinking without the ‘thinker’ whereas normally ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over thinking and ultimately only get in the way of clarity.
I see this very much happening right now as me and Sonya are decorating our house. There is an open question presented for example what to do with this space here? ‘I’ passionately grab onto this question and not only make things complicated but also drain all the fun out of it!
But allowing thought to operate freely does not work within ‘my’ requirements, it does not happen to ‘my’ timeline or to ‘my’ preconceived notions. So there is a fear of allowing this to operate like so, it seems that nothing would happen then. And yet each time as things continue to be done I look back and realise that ‘I’ didn’t do any of it anyways.
So this i what I was trying to get at here :
OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist
It is as if ‘my’ life is slowly eroding away as it is progressively realised that ‘I’ am not actually doing anything in the first place, ‘my’ life is an illusion that runs let’s say parallel to that which is actually taking place. So there are events happening, thoughts are happening, the body does this or that and ‘I’ am like a mirage that goes along with all this, believing that it is ‘me’ living ‘my’ life.
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As an example to the previous post, I spent about an hour yesterday catching up with a friend that I haven’t seen for a while. It was a very jovial and gay atmosphere, and for him too I could tell this clearly. ‘I’ was very minimised throughout, it was really fun! I noticed for example how easy and natural it was for me to maintain eye contact whereas usually it is a little more “shifty”. Also in the past I always thought that he talks too much haha and this time it was just a joy to catch up.
But anyways as I left his apartment and got in my car there was this thought of who/what just had this experience? Was ‘I’ talking to him or was all of that just happening?
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Kuba: Yes ok I see what ‘I’ did, in that yesterday I was initially proceeding in this direction of - “Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around”, I was looking at ‘my’ life as if slowly eroding and there was a “superb confidence and over-weening optimism”. Then you made a suggestion of something that could perhaps expose another way in which ‘I’ am standing in the way of ‘my’ self immolation -
Vineeto: I wonder (and I can be wrong) if that ‘knowing’ “that ‘I’ am nothing but an illusion” is merely a narrative providing the veil which prevents the final altruistic act of immolation for the benefit of this body and every body to become actuality.
Kuba: And instead of allowing this possibility to be considered in that same fashion ‘I’ went and pulled out all ‘my’ heavy artillery once more.
Hi Kuba,
Well, perhaps this is an indicator that the time is not ripe and you need to do some more marvelling of being here and enjoy living in gay abandon and slowly getting used to “‘me’ gladly and blessedly stepping back”.
Tough job for a life-long ‘high achiever’. 
Kuba: You have repeated this advice many times now, that “‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen” and that ‘my’ challenge is to “do nothing” and to simply enjoy and appreciate this last stage of the actualism process.
It is starting to click now, it was tricky because for ‘me’ to realise and actualise that ‘I’ am redundant it is like a different direction than any in which ‘I’ have travelled in the past. It is like ‘I’ have all these tools or actions of which ‘I’ am capable of and each one of them only reinforces ‘me’ as an identity, so each one is not only useless at this point but also works actively against achieving my goal.
The only worthy ‘action’ (if it could be called that) for ‘me’ at this point is to enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon. Although enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon is more a result of ‘me’ gladly and blessedly stepping back and luxuriating in the fact that ‘I’ am not required, rather than bringing in ‘my’ heavy artillery and making things sudorific.
I do appreciate and understand from experience that it takes practice to change the habit of a lifetime to actively respond as the ‘doer’ to the challenges life presents. Now is the turning point where you begin to realize that it is far more beneficial to allow life to live you and “stand still”, i.e. choose neither direction of the affective see-saw of action.
Perhaps you can appreciate this process yourself, and value the radical newness of it – at least then you don’t have to depreciate yourself, be hard on yourself, when it appears not to have a straight and immediate result.
Kuba: At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding. But it is more like I am spiralling, sometimes I will go over the same territory if only to realise for sure that the answer is not to be found there. I know I am not simply going around in circles now because for example those fearful reactions around self-immolation are no more. And now that I look back over the last 10 months there are so many things like this, various themes that had to be resolved, and they are all no more.
You do not waste my time at all – it is a pleasure and a privilege to correspond with you – it’s simply the enjoyment of seeing a fellow human being gain more understanding and success in revelling in the fact of being alive and becoming more and more naïve.
Neither do you go in circles and spirals because how can you learn if you don’t dare to make mistakes. You first have to make a mistake in order to find out if it was a mistake. Actualism is experiential and experimental, there is no other way. It is also beneficial for all who read your posts with attention and fascination so they can learn from your own experiences.
Kuba: It seems at some point there was the time for all manner of searching and digging and extending ‘myself’ and now it is all about gladly and blessedly actualising the fact that ‘I’ am redundant. Whatever is found at this point is not an invitation for ‘me’ to take up the reins again, it never was actually, but now I see it clearer.
The method is enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive and it seems the point is that something eventually happens to make ‘my’ exquisite affective enjoyment and appreciation segue into an actual enjoyment and appreciation for this flesh and blood body. This “something” ‘I’ do not do. (link)
Yes it is, and Richard introduced another aspect to be aware of when you are “standing still” in order to let life live you. He said –
Richard: To repeat: I stopped believing, period. All sorrow and malice stems from the activity of believing … which arises from the believer. ‘I’, as a psychological entity, can only believe – or disbelieve – in possibilities and impossibilities. (…) By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
Perfection is already always here. Yet ‘I’, by believing in a remembered perfection, chase an ever-elusive chimera into an ever-receding future. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Private email, March 1999)
That means, whenever you become aware of any passionate impulse (via diminishment of your enjoyment and cherishing this moment of being alive), you stop believing that ‘you’ have to take the reins (which is an affective mental activity) – and then, as you describe below, things get done of their own accord. The only way to stop a habit (“to grab onto the process” for instance) is to become aware when it happens and decline.
Kuba: I can see this same feature happens with anything that the mind processes. In that some new information will be presented, perhaps some problem requiring a solution and immediately ‘I’ want to grab onto the process, ‘I’ demand an answer now and so ‘I’ end up manufacturing something as opposed to allowing this information to “swish” around the brain until a genuine answer is located.
It is the difference between pure contemplation and ‘me’ thinking about something. In pure contemplation there is thinking without the ‘thinker’ whereas normally ‘I’ arrogate responsibility over thinking and ultimately only get in the way of clarity.
I see this very much happening right now as me and Sonya are decorating our house. There is an open question presented for example what to do with this space here? ‘I’ passionately grab onto this question and not only make things complicated but also drain all the fun out of it!
But allowing thought to operate freely does not work within ‘my’ requirements, it does not happen to ‘my’ timeline or to ‘my’ preconceived notions. So there is a fear of allowing this to operate like so, it seems that nothing would happen then. And yet each time as things continue to be done I look back and realise that ‘I’ didn’t do any of it anyways. So this I what I was trying to get at here :
OK so things are getting pretty fun! Something clicked the other day with regards to control or with regards to ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, and it is that ‘I’ don’t even exist.
It is as if ‘my’ life is slowly eroding away as it is progressively realised that ‘I’ am not actually doing anything in the first place, ‘my’ life is an illusion that runs let’s say parallel to that which is actually taking place. So there are events happening, thoughts are happening, the body does this or that and ‘I’ am like a mirage that goes along with all this, believing that it is ‘me’ living ‘my’ life. (link)
Now that you pretty much worked it out how it works it’s only a matter of time to get used to the new way of being – arrogating less and less control and allowing “‘my’ life” to “slowly eroding away” or, in other words, letting the universe live you.
Good hey.
Cheers Vineeto
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Thank you for your wonderful reply Vineeto, there is a lot here but I just wanted to comment on the below for now :
Kuba: At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding
This really shows something, I remember a while ago when me and Sonya had a zoom chat with Geoffrey I made a comment which although it was a joke it exposed this same kind of approach to myself and others. I said that what he was saying was so useful that I felt I should pay him for it!
So it is as if mutual beneficence comes with a cost, or that it is to be earned or that it is reserved for the special few, or for the right performance etc. This is very much the old paradigm and I don’t particularly see interactions with my fellow human beings in this way.
But clearly I still hold this view in some degree as to depreciate myself with it. And I have already discovered that this sword I will cut both myself and others with, sooner or later. So as noble as self-depreciation may appear it benefits not me and not others, so it can be dispensed with.
Of course it is so wonderful to see actual magnanimity from you, to have this for comparison. That beneficence between fellow human beings can flow freely, it doesn’t have a cost or a condition or a cap to it. Of course I don’t start going round the streets and showering all with my savings but it’s rather that I am no longer saving myself for something else ‘out there’, that this moment is happening now and we are all actually here doing this business called being alive - so how could I be anything but freely beneficial towards my fellow human beings, why should it cost a thing? Or why should it have a cap?
Of course in the old paradigm the belief in God and the Afterlife provided plenty of motivation for people to inflict horrors upon each other in anticipation for their heavenly rewards, there was apparently something else ‘out there’ worth savings one’s caring and consideration for.
But once it is seen that there is nowhere else but here then there is nowhere/nothing else to save oneself for. If it is not my fellow human beings that are the recipients of my beneficence then just who is? And if not now then when?
And looking at it now it is the same with regards to intimacy, just who am I saving myself for? And for those same reasons as above, why should it have a cap or a condition? This belief in the metaphysical, in some ‘other place’ - it is a very rotten thing.
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Hehe and the one which for some reason I don’t want to fully allow is that the same applies for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. That if I am not enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive then just what am I saving myself for? I’ve never seen it so clearly, of course only this moment is actual and there is no other place but here, so whatever that ‘thing’ is which I am saving myself for - it is a waste, a complete and utter waste. I am putting off enjoyment and appreciation for a time and a place that does not exist!
Wow it’s like that non existent metaphysical realm has been swallowing genuine human happiness, harmlessness and intimacy since time immemorial, and all for nothing since it does not exist.
So yes just as Richard wrote in a finite and expanding universe actual freedom would not be possible. All those things which we discuss flow from infinitude, this is the earth shattering discovery, the basis for the completely new paradigm. So indeed actualism without infinitude is sandpit actualism.
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So I see now even better why death is not a problem, it is not only that there is no other place that one’s soul will be banished to, some eternal nothingness, some infinite void etc It is also that the arena of eternal time is utterly still, it is always this moment. There is such a safety to this which I cannot quite explain? That it would be so safe to die where time does not move - it seems it is because then it is known with 100% certainty that there is no place/time else? So it is infinitude which makes death utterly safe, because it is impossible to get away from this moment and this place. As a flesh and blood body one dies into the stillness of infinitude vs one’s soul being banished into some other place/time as per the old paradigm.
Hmm not sure if I am not inviting something metaphysical here myself 
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So it is infinitude which makes death utterly safe, because it is impossible to get away from this moment and this place. As a flesh and blood body one dies into the stillness of infinitude vs one’s soul being banished into some other place/time as per the old paradigm.
Hmm not sure if I am not inviting something metaphysical here myself
Hmm I have been thinking about this what I have been doing, it seems that ‘I’ the identity am appropriating ‘actuality’, as in there is initially something seen, some product of a pure contemplation and ‘I’ turn this into something that is ‘mine’. Initially it seems that this is helpful in that it provides ‘me’ with the security to proceed. But could it be that it is actually perpetuating ‘me’ as an identity. That whatever confidence could be gained has been gained and now it is like ‘I’ have made a cosy little bunker for ‘myself’ from the various bits of information regarding actuality which I have appropriated for ‘myself’.
‘I’ am talking about the safety of death for this flesh and blood body and then wonder if there is something metaphysical that ‘I’ am bringing into the contemplation - ‘I’ am that thing which is metaphysical. ‘I’ cannot understand what death for this flesh and blood body is like because ‘I’ am an identity. Actuality can only be known apperceptively, which means it is a lived experience, so all those things which ‘I’ call actuality, they are not that.
Could it be that it is ‘my’ actualist identity that is now keeping ‘me’ in place, that ‘I’ tried to outline to the best of ‘my’ ability a world that is not for ‘me’ to know intimately.
This is exactly the below :
Richard: By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
So there is ‘me’ attempting to know actuality and to map it exquisitely and yet ‘I’ am the thing which prevents actuality from becoming apparent.
So to continue proceeding in this direction ‘I’ would have to settle for second best, and it seems this is exactly what ‘I’ seem to be content with doing so far, mapping out a world that ‘I’ can never actually visit. There is the initial glimpse of actuality which ‘I’ turn into an intellectual understanding and then ‘I’ reside there - that is exactly second best haha.
As Richard wrote (to paraphrase) “one of the main issues is that ‘I’ wish to remain in existence in order to savour the meaning”. So now I am beginning to see that what ‘I’ am attempting to do is simply an impossibility. ‘I’ want to know actuality whilst remaining safely where ‘I’ am, ‘I’ want to continue ‘being’ and yet ‘I’ want to know actuality.
Vineeto you wrote :
You first have to make a mistake in order to find out if it was a mistake. Actualism is experiential and experimental, there is no other way.
OK so ‘I’ have tried to know actuality and doing this over and over ‘I’ am starting to see that this is an impossibility, so that’s good haha.
Hmm so is it that ‘I’ give up this habit that is so dear to ‘me’ - which is to exquisitely map out ‘actuality’ whilst remaining a ‘being’ - so that actuality can be lived by this flesh and blood body. It is selfish and also silly that ‘I’ will continue preventing this flesh and blood body from living the ultimate just so that ‘I’ can live the second best, especially when the ‘distance’ between second best and the ultimate is immeasurable.
I have to include Geoffreys poem/post here again, this is exactly what is going on and so far ‘I’ have been content remaining as a member of the royal society of leathery armchairs Rather than taking off ‘my’ clothes and bathing in the stream.
I wonder now - just what worth is an (intellectual) understanding of the actual? Isn’t it the experience that matters. What worth is it to have the most exquisite words to describe a world which ‘I’ cannot experience. And likewise when the experience is actual then what is the worth of the words in caparison to the worth of that which is experienced.
This clarifies a little bit of why I was having this whole “I am not good enough for actuality” thing, sometimes I will experience these flashes of the actual world and what is seen it is like it could blow the fuses, it is incredible beyond belief, and indeed ‘I’ am not good enough for it. Instead what ‘I’ do is bastardise it into something that can become ‘my’ concept, ‘I’ try to reach actuality in that way. So of course this sets up a situation where ‘I’ am living the second best and actuality is seen to be “too good to be true”, indeed it is too good to be true for ‘me’.
I had one of those flashes yesterday whilst watching TV, this sense of it being incredible beyond belief was so strong that it physically made me jerk - the extent of what was seen there is no way ‘I’ could contain it within any of ‘my’ concepts and even if ‘I’ could what good is that ultimately? For it still wouldn’t be that experience.
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Richard: One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth
I realise that what makes these experiences so incredible as to physically make me jerk is exactly that - it is the glimpse of the vast stillness of infinitude. And this vast stillness of infinitude defies the intellect? As in it cannot be conveyed in any terms which utilise concepts such as “here and there” or “big and small” or “now and then”, concepts which rely on there being a fixed arbiter against which to measure. The stillness of infinitude can only be known existentially (apperceptively), it is either apperceptively experienced now or it is not known. And of course the goal of actualism is to be that stillness of infinitude experiencing itself as a flesh and blood body - This can never be done via emotions or thoughts, it is an existential experiencing.
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Kuba: Thank you for your wonderful reply Vineeto, there is a lot here but I just wanted to comment on the below for now :
Kuba: At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding
Vineeto: You do not waste my time at all – it is a pleasure and a privilege to correspond with you – it’s simply the enjoyment of seeing a fellow human being gain more understanding and success in revelling in the fact of being alive and becoming more and more naïve.
Vineeto: Perhaps you can appreciate this process yourself, and value the radical newness of it – at least then you don’t have to depreciate yourself, be hard on yourself, when it appears not to have a straight and immediate result.
Kuba: This really shows something, I remember a while ago when me and Sonya had a zoom chat with Geoffrey I made a comment which although it was a joke it exposed this same kind of approach to myself and others. I said that what he was saying was so useful that I felt I should pay him for it!
So it is as if mutual beneficence comes with a cost, or that it is to be earned or that it is reserved for the special few, or for the right performance etc. This is very much the old paradigm and I don’t particularly see interactions with my fellow human beings in this way.
But clearly I still hold this view in some degree as to depreciate myself with it. And I have already discovered that this sword I will cut both myself and others with, sooner or later. So as noble as self-depreciation may appear it benefits not me and not others, so it can be dispensed with.
Hi Kuba,
Ha, I am glad you can see this – it is indeed a very old paradigm derived from the spiritually-inspired virtue of humility and there is nothing “noble” about it but the self-centric desire for immortality and/or after-death reward.
Kuba: Of course it is so wonderful to see actual magnanimity from you, to have this for comparison. That beneficence between fellow human beings can flow freely, it doesn’t have a cost or a condition or a cap to it. Of course, I don’t start going round the streets and showering all with my savings but it’s rather that I am no longer saving myself for something else ‘out there’, that this moment is happening now and we are all actually here doing this business called being alive – so how could I be anything but freely beneficial towards my fellow human beings, why should it cost a thing? Or why should it have a cap?
Because actual magnanimity is not a virtue, but the actual quality of the benevolence of this infinite universe it is free, unconditional and unlimited. It’s interesting that ‘you’ were thinking in terms of the old paradigm and automatically equivocated magnanimity with giving away one’s life-savings which could be given away only once. Whereas this is how Richard describes magnanimity –
Richard: There is an innate purity in being me as-I-am, for this universe is already always perfect. There is a magnanimity and a beneficence everywhere all at once and I find that I am benign in character. It therefore follows that all my thoughts and deeds are automatically benevolent and beneficial – I do not do it, it happens of itself – and communal service is no longer a duty, an obligation, a responsibility. I can readily enjoy a free association with other – flesh and blood – individuals to form a loose-knit affiliation that acts for the good of each individual … for when ‘I’ expire, the ‘whole’ also ceases to exist. The ‘whole’, which created ‘me’, was being re-affirmed and perpetuated by one’s very ‘being’. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty).
Kuba: Of course in the old paradigm the belief in God and the Afterlife provided plenty of motivation for people to inflict horrors upon each other in anticipation for their heavenly rewards, there was apparently something else ‘out there’ worth savings one’s caring and consideration for.
But once it is seen that there is nowhere else but here then there is nowhere/ nothing else to save oneself for. If it is not my fellow human beings that are the recipients of my beneficence then just who is? And if not now then when?
And looking at it now it is the same with regards to intimacy, just who am I saving myself for? And for those same reasons as above, why should it have a cap or a condition? This belief in the metaphysical, in some ‘other place’ – it is a very rotten thing. (link)
It is fascinating how deeply the shadow of the belief in an afterlife/ “some ‘other place’” runs, long after you have dispensed with the belief in a God and/or enlightenment. It is indeed “a very rotten thing”. Seeing this there no longer is any overt or covert reason to ‘save yourself for’.
Kuba: Hehe and the one which for some reason I don’t want to fully allow is that the same applies for enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive. That if I am not enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive then just what am I saving myself for? I’ve never seen it so clearly, of course only this moment is actual and there is no other place but here, so whatever that ‘thing’ is which I am saving myself for – it is a waste, a complete and utter waste. I am putting off enjoyment and appreciation for a time and a place that does not exist!
Ah, this is a valuable insight – the very reason why so many have resistance to enjoy and appreciate being alive – one could diminish one’s ‘bank account’ in the afterlife, the “other place”, if one has too much fun here on earth. It is indeed a dominant aspect of all religions and equivalent to an ubiquitous taboo.
Kuba: Wow it’s like that non-existent metaphysical realm has been swallowing genuine human happiness, harmlessness and intimacy since time immemorial, and all for nothing since it does not exist.
So yes, just as Richard wrote in a finite and expanding universe actual freedom would not be possible. All those things which we discuss flow from infinitude, this is the earth shattering discovery, the basis for the completely new paradigm. So indeed actualism without infinitude is sandpit actualism. (link)
Ha, I like that – “sandpit actualism” – and to tie it into your next post (link) – this “sandpit actualism” includes all concepts, all armchair activities and even “believing perfection to be possible” (Richard in my last post to you (link)).
So, isn’t it finally time to take Geoffrey’s suggestion and “take off their clothes, and swim through the sea?” Time to abandon the limits and actualize your insights and go map-less. You have nothing to lose but your shackles.
Cheers Vineeto
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Haha what a brilliant way to put it! This hits bullseye exactly why I cannot quite allow it fully, that if I was to fully enjoy and appreciate this moment of being alive I would be “diminishing my bank account elsewhere”. It seems it is the thrust of ‘surviving’ itself, that ‘I’ invest in ‘surviving’ as an identity, which means ‘I’ pay into that bank account ‘elsewhere’.
The belief in god or the afterlife is gone, this kind of belief was also part of that ‘high achiever’ mentality, or what I called a ‘grind mentality’, or in fact even the thing of ‘delayed gratification’, it is all the same flavour isn’t it? It comes from the old paradigm where one is saving oneself for some other time/place, one suffers now for a reward in the future. But as it is always now one ends up suffering forever and the future never comes, it cannot for it is not actual.
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Yes you are correct it is the time for this, and looking at my above post that was still sandpit actualism, more of second best. It looks like this is a habit but it is time for it to be broken.
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