Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for this suggestion and I am considering it thoroughly.
Vineeto: [Richard]: No, blind nature lost … the identity got precisely what ‘he’ wanted more than anything else (Richard, AF List, No. 68d, 10 Oct 2005)
Kuba: It is odd because on one hand it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find anything that can tether ‘me’ for a little bit longer, that self-immolation will always be just in the future and as such never happen now.
On the other hand this same ‘I’ with clear knowledge of what is ahead of him, has devoted ‘his’ life to pursuing the goal which ends in this very self-immolation. And ‘he’ didn’t just treat it as some far out idea but ‘he’ has devoted ‘himself’ thoroughly to this goal each moment again.
So ‘I’ have done all ‘I’ can to ensure ‘my’ self-immolation and yet it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find the flimsiest of things which can keep ‘me’ in existence. ‘I’ am instinctually holding back that which ‘I’ want more than anything else.
Hi Kuba,
I have followed your process in the last 10 months and seen your persistent dedication and devotion to becoming actually free. When you say “‘I’ am instinctually holding back” only you can know if that is the case or merely an intellectual deduction. Because, as Richard said in his Journal –
Richard: ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. (pg 168)
Kuba: For it to actually happen it must happen now, so it seems ‘I’ am using this narrative to ensure that it is still in the future, even if just by 1 second.
But ‘I’ don’t have a single reason left for it not to happen now. It is just the fact of it happening now, right now. Now is where all ‘my’ delaying tactics (along with ‘me’) go to die. (link)
Your impatience of “it must happen now” is entirely superfluous because when you have “superb confidence and over-weening optimism” that it will happen when the time is ripe, you can fully enjoy and appreciate in gay abandon – just as you described it in your last message –
Kuba: “OK so things are getting pretty fun! … The fun part is that this has now flipped from being a serious affair and over to enjoying and appreciating in gay abandon.” (link)
I found a correspondence in which Richard sums up the last phase of the actualism process, and perhaps here you can find a pointer for yourself –
Richard: Having the “courage of your convictions” has nothing to do with believing, trusting, hoping or having faith that it be possible. I, for one, never believed, trusted, hoped or had faith that it was possible, for such an action of believing, trusting, hoping and having faith perpetuates the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. On the contrary, I could no longer believe that it was not possible – which is a different action entirely to believing, trusting, hoping and having faith that it is possible – thus dispensing with the believer, the truster, the hoper and the faithful. Do you see this?
For example: Doubt is believing it not to be possible … doubt is actually an action of believing, which supports the believer. Faith is believing that it is possible … which also supports the believer … and thus, either way, the believer pushes freedom away into an ever elusive future.
All this stemmed from my peak experience in which I experienced the purity and the perfection of life itself – here and now – and thus saw that what others had perceived as being our reward after physical death already existed … at this moment in time and this place in space. Thus I ceased believing that life on earth was a grim business with only scant moments of reprieve … yet I did not start believing in perfection. To repeat: I stopped believing, period. All sorrow and malice stems from the activity of believing … which arises from the believer. ‘I’, as a psychological entity, can only believe – or disbelieve – in possibilities and impossibilities. In the peak experience ‘I’ temporarily abdicated the throne and I knew, by direct experience, that freedom was already actual. It was ‘I’ that was the problem, not the absence of perfection. When ‘I’ ceased to be, perfection became, as always, apparent. By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
Perfection is already always here. Yet ‘I’, by believing in a remembered perfection, chase an ever-elusive chimera into an ever-receding future. Thus one stands still and does nothing but watch the dust settle all around … and perfection, which is only of the moment, becomes apparent. ‘I’ have ceased to be. By “doing nothing” I mean neither believing nor disbelieving; neither having faith nor having doubt; neither trusting nor distrusting; neither hoping nor despairing. In short, one’s superb confidence and over-weening optimism precipitates ‘my’ demise … ‘I’ do not make freedom happen … ‘I’ allow the universe to “disappear” the ‘me’ that I was … and perfection has become apparent. ‘I’ did not invoke perfection, for it already is here … and it is here now, not off into the future. It may have taken some time to eventuate, as ‘I’ got whittled away, yet when that time came, it was already here … because it is always now.
To sum up: ‘I’ do not make perfection happen because it is already always here. What ‘I’ do is to “stand still” and unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur. To do this, ‘I’ cease believing, hoping, trusting and having faith … without falling into disbelief, despair, distrust or doubt. ‘I’, having the courage of ‘my’ convictions – which is the confidence born out of the solid knowing as evidenced in the peak experience – thus developing a superb confidence and an over-weening optimism. Thus nothing can stand in ‘my’ way in this, the adventure of a life-time. [Emphases added]. (Richard, Private email, March 1999)
Cheers Vineeto