Thank you for your wonderful reply Vineeto, there is a lot here but I just wanted to comment on the below for now :
Kuba: At times it seems I am just going round in circles, this is where I will feel insecure about simply wasting your time responding
This really shows something, I remember a while ago when me and Sonya had a zoom chat with Geoffrey I made a comment which although it was a joke it exposed this same kind of approach to myself and others. I said that what he was saying was so useful that I felt I should pay him for it! 
So it is as if mutual beneficence comes with a cost, or that it is to be earned or that it is reserved for the special few, or for the right performance etc. This is very much the old paradigm and I don’t particularly see interactions with my fellow human beings in this way.
But clearly I still hold this view in some degree as to depreciate myself with it. And I have already discovered that this sword I will cut both myself and others with, sooner or later. So as noble as self-depreciation may appear it benefits not me and not others, so it can be dispensed with.
Of course it is so wonderful to see actual magnanimity from you, to have this for comparison. That beneficence between fellow human beings can flow freely, it doesn’t have a cost or a condition or a cap to it. Of course I don’t start going round the streets and showering all with my savings but it’s rather that I am no longer saving myself for something else ‘out there’, that this moment is happening now and we are all actually here doing this business called being alive - so how could I be anything but freely beneficial towards my fellow human beings, why should it cost a thing? Or why should it have a cap?
Of course in the old paradigm the belief in God and the Afterlife provided plenty of motivation for people to inflict horrors upon each other in anticipation for their heavenly rewards, there was apparently something else ‘out there’ worth savings one’s caring and consideration for.
But once it is seen that there is nowhere else but here then there is nowhere/nothing else to save oneself for. If it is not my fellow human beings that are the recipients of my beneficence then just who is? And if not now then when?
And looking at it now it is the same with regards to intimacy, just who am I saving myself for? And for those same reasons as above, why should it have a cap or a condition? This belief in the metaphysical, in some ‘other place’ - it is a very rotten thing.