Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for this suggestion and I am considering it thoroughly.
It is odd because on one hand it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find anything that can tether ‘me’ for a little bit longer, that self-immolation will always be just in the future and as such never happen now.
On the other hand this same ‘I’ with clear knowledge of what is ahead of him, has devoted ‘his’ life to pursuing the goal which ends in this very self-immolation. And ‘he’ didn’t just treat it as some far out idea but ‘he’ has devoted ‘himself’ thoroughly to this goal each moment again.
So ‘I’ have done all ‘I’ can to ensure ‘my’ self-immolation and yet it seems ‘I’ will instinctually find the flimsiest of things which can keep ‘me’ in existence. ‘I’ am instinctually holding back that which ‘I’ want more than anything else.
For it to actually happen it must happen now, so it seems ‘I’ am using this narrative to ensure that it is still in the future, even if just by 1 second.
But ‘I’ don’t have a single reason left for it not to happen now. It is just the fact of it happening now, right now. Now is where all ‘my’ delaying tactics (along with ‘me’) go to die 