So it is infinitude which makes death utterly safe, because it is impossible to get away from this moment and this place. As a flesh and blood body one dies into the stillness of infinitude vs one’s soul being banished into some other place/time as per the old paradigm.
Hmm not sure if I am not inviting something metaphysical here myself
Hmm I have been thinking about this what I have been doing, it seems that ‘I’ the identity am appropriating ‘actuality’, as in there is initially something seen, some product of a pure contemplation and ‘I’ turn this into something that is ‘mine’. Initially it seems that this is helpful in that it provides ‘me’ with the security to proceed. But could it be that it is actually perpetuating ‘me’ as an identity. That whatever confidence could be gained has been gained and now it is like ‘I’ have made a cosy little bunker for ‘myself’ from the various bits of information regarding actuality which I have appropriated for ‘myself’.
‘I’ am talking about the safety of death for this flesh and blood body and then wonder if there is something metaphysical that ‘I’ am bringing into the contemplation - ‘I’ am that thing which is metaphysical. ‘I’ cannot understand what death for this flesh and blood body is like because ‘I’ am an identity. Actuality can only be known apperceptively, which means it is a lived experience, so all those things which ‘I’ call actuality, they are not that.
Could it be that it is ‘my’ actualist identity that is now keeping ‘me’ in place, that ‘I’ tried to outline to the best of ‘my’ ability a world that is not for ‘me’ to know intimately.
This is exactly the below :
Richard: By believing perfection to be possible ‘I’ perpetuate ‘myself’. ‘I’, by ‘my’ very presence, inhibit that splendid perfection becoming apparent.
So there is ‘me’ attempting to know actuality and to map it exquisitely and yet ‘I’ am the thing which prevents actuality from becoming apparent.
So to continue proceeding in this direction ‘I’ would have to settle for second best, and it seems this is exactly what ‘I’ seem to be content with doing so far, mapping out a world that ‘I’ can never actually visit. There is the initial glimpse of actuality which ‘I’ turn into an intellectual understanding and then ‘I’ reside there - that is exactly second best haha.
As Richard wrote (to paraphrase) “one of the main issues is that ‘I’ wish to remain in existence in order to savour the meaning”. So now I am beginning to see that what ‘I’ am attempting to do is simply an impossibility. ‘I’ want to know actuality whilst remaining safely where ‘I’ am, ‘I’ want to continue ‘being’ and yet ‘I’ want to know actuality.
Vineeto you wrote :
You first have to make a mistake in order to find out if it was a mistake. Actualism is experiential and experimental, there is no other way.
OK so ‘I’ have tried to know actuality and doing this over and over ‘I’ am starting to see that this is an impossibility, so that’s good haha.
Hmm so is it that ‘I’ give up this habit that is so dear to ‘me’ - which is to exquisitely map out ‘actuality’ whilst remaining a ‘being’ - so that actuality can be lived by this flesh and blood body. It is selfish and also silly that ‘I’ will continue preventing this flesh and blood body from living the ultimate just so that ‘I’ can live the second best, especially when the ‘distance’ between second best and the ultimate is immeasurable.
I have to include Geoffreys poem/post here again, this is exactly what is going on and so far ‘I’ have been content remaining as a member of the royal society of leathery armchairs 
Rather than taking off ‘my’ clothes and bathing in the stream.
I wonder now - just what worth is an (intellectual) understanding of the actual? Isn’t it the experience that matters. What worth is it to have the most exquisite words to describe a world which ‘I’ cannot experience. And likewise when the experience is actual then what is the worth of the words in caparison to the worth of that which is experienced.
This clarifies a little bit of why I was having this whole “I am not good enough for actuality” thing, sometimes I will experience these flashes of the actual world and what is seen it is like it could blow the fuses, it is incredible beyond belief, and indeed ‘I’ am not good enough for it. Instead what ‘I’ do is bastardise it into something that can become ‘my’ concept, ‘I’ try to reach actuality in that way. So of course this sets up a situation where ‘I’ am living the second best and actuality is seen to be “too good to be true”, indeed it is too good to be true for ‘me’.
I had one of those flashes yesterday whilst watching TV, this sense of it being incredible beyond belief was so strong that it physically made me jerk - the extent of what was seen there is no way ‘I’ could contain it within any of ‘my’ concepts and even if ‘I’ could what good is that ultimately? For it still wouldn’t be that experience.