Kub933's Journal

Journals
2156

Kuba: there she was in all her glory, (link)

Sonya: Oh my, I’ve gone red (link)

Jesus.Carlos: “gone red” is an innocuous and felicitous feeling or something to be investigated? (link)

Sonya: Hi Jesus,
hmmm, I’m not too sure. I don’t think so? Or at least I don’t currently see any kind of issue glaring at me. In fact, it’s kinda a lil joke at home, we had a lil giggle of a comment Kuba made a while ago where he stated I looked like a “maggot”. (I was wrapped up in a white duvet), not in any kind of malice of course. But he saw me all wrapped up in the blanket on the couch a couple days ago and said “in all my maggot glory”.
I think the ‘gone red’ was a the initial reaction of oops I’m at work reading this mixed with a realisation that I am being “seen” in that moment like a “naked” feeling but not in either “good” or “bad” way that I can pin point at the moment. (link)

Kuba: The “gone red” in this instance is naiveté knocking at the door, and that is a wonderful thing! (link)

Hi Sonya,

It is indeed a “wonderful thing” deserving your unreserved appreciation.

I just read some of Richard’s correspondence which you might enjoy (especially when safely reading at home) and perceive as further encouragement –

Richard: P.S.: Hey, No. 7 … you can tell your laughing girlfriend that my term is [quote] ‘an enormous vagina’[1], not just a large one, because that is the way in which a wonderfully wanton woman, when safely being the sexual creature she indubitably is, can experience herself in that other dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls.
Furthermore, if she is laughing joyfully this size distinction quibble matters not all … (Richard, List D, No. 4, 14 Dec 2009)

[1]
Richard: Now, the way to have intimacy unfold, in all its luscious wonder, is to be aware all the while (with that unique human ability to be conscious of being sentient) that your sexual partner likes being with you so much that they are willing to spend their most valuable asset – their time – not only being with you but having you inside them/having them inside you (dependent upon gender) for this most physically intimate way of associating possible.
In other words one is always aware, with that second-level awareness, all the while primary consciousness is sexually engrossed, just how precious this opportunity is as – out of all 3.0 billion women/ out of all 3.0 billion men (dependent upon gender) – this fellow human being has chosen you, and only you, to be so intimately entwined with. In short: having sex/being intimate with her/with him (dependent upon gender) is very special – so special as to be precious – and this very preciosity readily enables giving oneself completely to one’s partner – totally and utterly – during sexual congress.
All this while the hands, fingers, lips, tongue and eyes can roam all about with much delicious kissing, nibbling, nuzzling, fondling, smelling, listening, tasting, touching, looking and all the rest which such a physical embrace, such physical proximity so exquisitely provides for; the neck below the ear-lobe, for instance, is an especial delight and to eventually indulge in never-ending open-mouthed kissing – at the heights of sexual arousal – is to be breathing each other’s breath in a most personal way of gradually depriving the brain of oxygen as to even further increase both arousal and intimate contact (togetherness, closeness, sweetness, richness, actuality).
(Meanwhile, back at the sex taking care of itself, that hovering indefinitely on the orgastic plateau has catapulted one into what I chose to call a sexual world: another dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls; a sexual dimension where all you are is an enormous penis/an enormous vagina (dependent upon gender) which has grown legs and feet to walk to food and drink sources to sustain itself/yourself, and arms and hands to assist in that process, so as to have yet more and more of what it/you is/are here for at this particular moment (endless effortless sexual congress); a rampant sexual dimension where all other people and things have receded into the background; a dripping-with-sex-and-sexuality dimension where there is only this beginningless and endless moment where you both cannot ever possibly have enough of each other; a consummately durationless moment where all there is is you and her/you and him (dependent upon gender) hovering on that endlessly orgastic plateau of supreme sexuality and intimacy).
And then … !Hey Presto! … no separation whatsoever. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 Dec 2009).

It can only get bester.

Cheers Vineeto

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Kuba: there she was in all her glory, (link)

Sonya: Oh my, I’ve gone red (link)

Jesus.Carlos: “gone red” is an innocuous and felicitous feeling or something to be investigated? (link)

Sonya: Hi Jesus,
hmmm, I’m not too sure. I don’t think so? Or at least I don’t currently see any kind of issue glaring at me. In fact, it’s kinda a lil joke at home, we had a lil giggle of a comment Kuba made a while ago where he stated I looked like a “maggot”. (I was wrapped up in a white duvet), not in any kind of malice of course. But he saw me all wrapped up in the blanket on the couch a couple days ago and said “in all my maggot glory”.
I think the ‘gone red’ was a the initial reaction of oops I’m at work reading this mixed with a realisation that I am being “seen” in that moment like a “naked” feeling but not in either “good” or “bad” way that I can pin point at the moment. (link)

Kuba: The “gone red” in this instance is naiveté knocking at the door, and that is a wonderful thing! (link)

Hi Sonya,

It is indeed a “wonderful thing” deserving your unreserved appreciation.

I just read some of Richard’s correspondence which you might enjoy (especially when safely reading at home) and perceive as further encouragement –

Richard: P.S.: Hey, No. 7 … you can tell your laughing girlfriend that my term is [quote] ‘an enormous vagina’[1], not just a large one, because that is the way in which a wonderfully wanton woman, when safely being the sexual creature she indubitably is, can experience herself in that other dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls.
Furthermore, if she is laughing joyfully this size distinction quibble matters not all … (Richard, List D, No. 4, 14 Dec 2009)

[1]
Richard: Now, the way to have intimacy unfold, in all its luscious wonder, is to be aware all the while (with that unique human ability to be conscious of being sentient) that your sexual partner likes being with you so much that they are willing to spend their most valuable asset – their time – not only being with you but having you inside them/having them inside you (dependent upon gender) for this most physically intimate way of associating possible.
In other words one is always aware, with that second-level awareness, all the while primary consciousness is sexually engrossed, just how precious this opportunity is as – out of all 3.0 billion women/ out of all 3.0 billion men (dependent upon gender) – this fellow human being has chosen you, and only you, to be so intimately entwined with. In short: having sex/being intimate with her/with him (dependent upon gender) is very special – so special as to be precious – and this very preciosity readily enables giving oneself completely to one’s partner – totally and utterly – during sexual congress.
All this while the hands, fingers, lips, tongue and eyes can roam all about with much delicious kissing, nibbling, nuzzling, fondling, smelling, listening, tasting, touching, looking and all the rest which such a physical embrace, such physical proximity so exquisitely provides for; the neck below the ear-lobe, for instance, is an especial delight and to eventually indulge in never-ending open-mouthed kissing – at the heights of sexual arousal – is to be breathing each other’s breath in a most personal way of gradually depriving the brain of oxygen as to even further increase both arousal and intimate contact (togetherness, closeness, sweetness, richness, actuality).
(Meanwhile, back at the sex taking care of itself, that hovering indefinitely on the orgastic plateau has catapulted one into what I chose to call a sexual world: another dimension, as it were, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls; a sexual dimension where all you are is an enormous penis/an enormous vagina (dependent upon gender) which has grown legs and feet to walk to food and drink sources to sustain itself/yourself, and arms and hands to assist in that process, so as to have yet more and more of what it/you is/are here for at this particular moment (endless effortless sexual congress); a rampant sexual dimension where all other people and things have receded into the background; a dripping-with-sex-and-sexuality dimension where there is only this beginningless and endless moment where you both cannot ever possibly have enough of each other; a consummately durationless moment where all there is is you and her/you and him (dependent upon gender) hovering on that endlessly orgastic plateau of supreme sexuality and intimacy).
And then … !Hey Presto! … no separation whatsoever. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 9 Dec 2009).

It can only get bester.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for attaching Richard’s correspondence. It’s one of my favourites to read and have visted it quite a few times.

It comes at quite a convenient time as I feel I have lost this naivete lately. Without going too much into detail, I recently had a colposcopy which involved 2 cervical biopsies :grimacing: . There’s a complicated mix of feelings going on at the moment which don’t allow for any kind of sexual intimacy from me. It’s nice to read Richard’s correspondence right now.

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Sonya: Hi Vineeto,
Thanks for attaching Richard’s correspondence. It’s one of my favourites to read and have visited it quite a few times.

Hi Sonya,

I am delighted to hear it’s one of your favourites of Richard’s quotes. Sexual congress is the best way to explore intimacy, especially when the interest lies more with intimacy than anything else. But intimacy can be experienced at any time with another human being depending on your willingness be as intimate and sincere as possible and being aware when ‘self’-preservation is about to interrupt/ prevent the intimate being together.

In this (and the follow-up) correspondence Richard talks about possible reasons for one or the other partner to pull back/ shut off –

Respondent: If you will indulge my question: is it possible still to have actual intimacy, even if the partner (man/ woman) is evidently inhibited by self and survival instincts?
Richard: Actual intimacy – no separation (no separative self whatsoever) cannot wax and wane/ come and go/ switch on and off here in this actual world (the world of the senses). Upon an actual freedom from the human condition an actual intimacy is the norm with every body and every thing regardless of whatever their or its current situation and circumstances might be.
(Some peoples have looked at me blankly upon being informed there is an actual intimacy with, say, an ashtray or a polystyrene cup or a pebble or whatever).
In terms of human sexuality, and due to its utter proximity, sexual congress sans identity/ affections is the exquisite experience of two flesh and blood bodies sensuously delighting in being sensually and sexually aroused.
(As there are no identities in actuality I actually interact only with flesh and blood bodies; at times this can be quite disconcerting, to say the least, for any identity feeling itself to be other than illusory).
Because it can take an incredible amount of willpower for a pulled-back or turned-away or closed-off or shut-down identity to override (psychosomatically) its bodily arousal, its body’s natural sexuality, the body’s sensual delight, that exquisite experience can continue until such over-riding succeeds in its quite perverse anti-intimacy aim and arousal diminishes, sexuality declines and sensual delight falls away to nought.
In short: although reciprocity is never needed there is, of course, a preference for sexual enjoyment and appreciation be mutual. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 10 Nov 2009).

Sonya: It comes at quite a convenient time as I feel I have lost this naiveté lately. Without going too much into detail, I recently had a colposcopy which involved 2 cervical biopsies. There’s a complicated mix of feelings going on at the moment which don’t allow for any kind of sexual intimacy from me.

Mmh, the fact that you had “a colposcopy which involved 2 cervical biopsies” does in itself not need to interfere with naiveté, except when it’s accompanied by worry or similar feelings. It’s often the imagination, what could be wrong or what could happen, which suddenly makes life serious again … until you recognize with confidence and can acknowledge that all worries about future events are a waste of valuable time in which you could enjoy and appreciate life. Once you have definite results and facts from your tests then you can decide on the most sensible action without worry.

Wouldn’t it be the best way to be kind to yourself, to untangle the “complicated mix of feelings”, get back to feeling good, better and even excellent and enjoy the intimacy which is possible at this point? The challenge of feeling good come what may is, whatever the physical/ practical situation, to recognize that it is not worthy as a justification of feeling less than good. You have overcome other challenges to feeling good, why not this one too?

Sonya: It’s nice to read Richard’s correspondence right now. (link)

Here is another quote you might enjoy –

Richard: Anyway, what I am finally succeeding in doing is seducing some of my fellow humans – those who have not lost the plot totally – to come out and play, now, as we are all but a missed heartbeat or two away from physical death each day again. Being retired, with more than sufficient means for the rest of my life, is nowadays to my advantage, of course, yet there is simply no reason at all why gainful employment need be anything other than fun.
For instance, all my best work (back when supporting both a wife and a family) always happened when I was having the most fun; in fact I have some very blurry black and white ‘home movie’ type footage of myself, circa March 1981, which ends with ‘me’ saying: ‘Do your own thing … but have fun; if you’re not having fun then, hell, stop doing it, something is wrong; if you’re not having fun, if you have to force yourself to go to work, if you’re unhappy, something is wrong’. Within weeks ‘he’ was carted off to a hospital emergency care unit in a catatonic state and … and here we are today having this illuminating chat about our fancy dreams.
Who else can be enticed to come out and play – to join me here in this actual world – and live life where all is fun yet where everything which needs to be done does get done (albeit playfully) because of those oh-so-vital adult sensibilities?
‘Tis yours for the asking, so to speak, as no one is stopping you but yourself; no time is the right time to make it all happen as the right time only comes about when you have it happen; it is not a case of being ready for it as being ready only occurs when you have it occur; all you get by waiting is more waiting as now is the moment where it all happens; everything which happens only ever happens now.
Actuality is where more than your fancy dreams can come true – much, much more – as life itself, here, is beyond even any of your most absolutely wild fantasies.
This is what is actually better than best. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 14 Dec 2009).

Best wishes for success in regaining your naiveté.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Thanks for your reply, it’s valuable to be reminded that intimacy can be experienced at any time with another human being. :blush: I am feeling better today.

I’m terms of the mix of complicated feelings to do with the cervical biopsy, it wasn’t the possibility of the results that was worrying me and bringing up bad feelings. Interestingly, that was what Kuba assumed as well. I’m actually not so worried about the results at all really, it was more the overwhelming feeling of being violated during the colposcopy that has sent my head spinning. My heart dropped when I walked into the room and realised a male doctor would be carrying out my procedure (not that it should really matter). Although logically I know everyone was there to look out for my health and wellbeing and it is in fact a wonderful thing that this care exists. I felt scared and violated through out the whole thing and on the verge of tears, when he stated he needed to take two biopsies the floodgates open and I was in ultimate panic mode. I was scared of the pain and the thought of the thought of the punch cervical biopsy forceps taking chunks of my cervix was very raw and I felt viscerally. My instinctual reaction was that a man was hurting me in my most intimate inner protected part.

When it actually happened the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and overall it was a very uncomfortable and painful experience. I know it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t feel the way I did. I had a conversation with Kuba afterwards and the more I talk about it the more It’s becoming clear that a situation that is actually quite a wonderful thing to be able to have access to, was muddled up by intense instinctual feelings and I’m feeling less and less bad about it as the days go by but there’s definitely still moments of feeling violated which pop up time to time.

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Hi Sonya,

It’s good to hear you are feeling better today and also that you are aware that intimacy can be experienced at any time once one chooses to allow it/ have it happen.

Thank you for your detailed descriptive report.

Sonya: I’m terms of the mix of complicated feelings to do with the cervical biopsy, it wasn’t the possibility of the results that was worrying me and bringing up bad feelings. Interestingly, that was what Kuba assumed as well. I’m actually not so worried about the results at all really, it was more the overwhelming feeling of being violated during the colposcopy that has sent my head spinning. My heart dropped when I walked into the room and realised a male doctor would be carrying out my procedure (not that it should really matter). Although logically I know everyone was there to look out for my health and wellbeing and it is in fact a wonderful thing that this care exists. I felt scared and violated through out the whole thing and on the verge of tears, when he stated he needed to take two biopsies the floodgates open and I was in ultimate panic mode. I was scared of the pain and the thought of the thought of the punch cervical biopsy forceps taking chunks of my cervix was very raw and I felt viscerally. My instinctual reaction was that a man was hurting me in my most intimate inner protected part.
When it actually happened the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be and overall it was a very uncomfortable and painful experience. I know it wouldn’t have been so bad if I didn’t feel the way I did. I had a conversation with Kuba afterwards and the more I talk about it the more It’s becoming clear that a situation that is actually quite a wonderful thing to be able to have access to, was muddled up by intense instinctual feelings and I’m feeling less and less bad about it as the days go by but there’s definitely still moments of feeling violated which pop up time to time. (link)

I can understand the feeling of “being violated during the colposcopy”. When feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was about 23 years old, she had to have a retina operation where laser beams were used (if my memory is correct about 60 hits per eye) to fix the retina peeling off along its edges. The procedure needed to be done with only local anaesthetic, and for ‘Vineeto’ it was not only scary but intensely felt as an intrusion into one of ‘her’ most private and cherished organs (such as the expression “eyes are the windows to the soul” indicates). Additionally, there was a group of students assembled around the bed for learning purposes, and the doctors themselves, forgetting that I was conscious, didn’t hold back with comments such as “shit I missed” and the like. In all, it was quite an (emotionally felt) depersonalizing experience. In hindsight it is rather amusing and I am very pleased and appreciative that the anomaly was discovered and permanently fixed.

Nevertheless, you are probably also aware that it is ‘me’, having arrogated full possession and control of your flesh-and-blood body almost all the time, who is generating those feelings of fear and intrusion. As you afterwards discovered “the pain wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be”. The more you become aware of the originally “muddled-up” feelings in hindsight and can see the silliness of having and feeding them, the quicker those “still moments of feeling violated” can be recognized for what they are – you own social conditioning and ‘self’-preservation objecting to a modern, most likely helpful, possibly necessary, medical procedure, despite having agreed to have it happen in the first place.

Such exploration and hindsight will also stand you in good stead for other occasions where you agree to something that needs to be done (whatever it is) and can then explore beforehand whatever objection to it happening or how it should be happening you still have. The more you become aware of which feelings may be lurking in the background, the better you are prepared for situations and interfere less with the appreciation of “actually quite a wonderful thing”.

Cheers Vineeto

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Kuba: My sights have been constantly on actual freedom, although there has been so much enjoyment and appreciation in the meantime. Since the other day it has happened a few times that I experienced the sweetness of pure intent and following in that direction there were glimpses of the actual world, where there is only that pure intent, everywhere all at once. And this feature is outstanding too, that this what is happening now is so incredible, and yet that world (where pure intent is everywhere all at once / all that is left) is another ballgame altogether.

I am not sure if there is anything else that ‘I’ need to do / can do, which is not already happening. It looks now that I am only left with what Richard wrote here :

Richard: After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth. The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, Article 23, pp. 168/169)

(link)

Hi Kuba,

I much appreciate your delightful reports. As you noticed I have taken a backseat on commenting to what you write as it is explicit in itself. Regarding your remark that “I am not sure if there is anything else that ‘I’ need to do / can do, which is not already happening” I just found a succinct summary of Respondent No. 4, List D, which expresses what he described as the actualism process (whilst still in-control himself) –

Richard: His summary at Message No. 8138 contains the most succinct way I have seen to deliver the essence of how actualism operates (the second last paragraph) –

Respondent No. 4: It all starts with being as fundamentally benign as possible. That’s the bedrock on which you can base an in-control happiness … which can then lead to an out-from-control happiness/ delight/ wonderment … which leads to more and more direct experiences of the actual world … where everything is doing itself.
And once you tap into this often enough, and the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in. (Message 8138, 11 December 2009)

(Richard, List D, No. 12, 12 Dec 2009)

The addition from the closing paragraph of the same post is for sheer enjoyment –

Richard: I will leave the remainder of your response for another day as … um … as The-Lady-Who-Had-The-5-Month-PCE and The-Spouse-Of-The-Lady-Who-Had-The-Five-Month-PCE will be arriving shortly to spend the day with me.
As that laboured nomenclature is somehow reminiscent of Mr. Rolf Harris’ ditty ‘The Court of King Caractacus’ I will be making it a first priority to have them both come up with something much simpler.
(www.youtube.com/watch?v=OShfQ0epVGE&feature=player_embedded).

As to “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”, this excerpt from the Direct Route correspondence may be informative –

Subscriber No. 10: Could you describe any differences (no matter how subtle) between actual freedom and PCE’s?
Vineeto: It’s not subtle at all.
The PCE always had a ‘WOW’-factor, which happens when the identity (in abeyance) comments on this body’s experience of the actual world. In an actual freedom this ‘WOW’-factor is absent – everything is just ordinary and magical at the same time.
In a PCE I always knew (apart from the very first PCE) that this experience would eventually fade whereas an actual freedom is forever and can therefore be explored far deeper and infinitely further (literally) than any PCE ever could.
A PCE has a static quality to it as the identity is in abeyance and temporarily ‘allows’ this flesh and blood body a brief glimpse into the actual world whereas an actual freedom is the dynamic vital in-depth and forever ongoing experience of the magic quality of actuality each moment again.
Subscriber No. 10: This ‘sweetness’ that is talked about is still affective? So, it is as close as a feeling-entity can be to actual freedom, but it is not as close to actual freedom as a PCE?
Vineeto: Peter wrote in his report – Peter: “a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness.”
I [‘Vineeto’] reported that “I had known this sweetness from previous occasions – one such experience happened during the video-shoot of the ‘Out-from-Control’ DVD we present on the website. This sweetness always accompanied an experience (…) that I was close to my destiny and an awareness that what I am doing/ longing for is not merely for my ‘peace of mind’, but that it is for everybody, for every single man, woman and child on the planet – for peace on earth.”
This experience of sweetness is about being close to one’s destiny (actual freedom) whereas a PCE is a glimpse into the actual world that can happen anywhere/ anywhen on the path/ during the process to one’s destiny. (Direct Route, No. 10, 15 Jan 2010).

Cheers Vineeto

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Hunterad's journal
2163

Hi Vineeto,

Coincidentally I was about to write a post today detailing what has been going on recently and at the end I began writing about a gun which was loaded and the trigger needed to be pulled, I stopped right there as I remembered that Geoffrey had settled this already… and here I was talking about the psychic gun!

As to “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in” I was contemplating all this a little earlier and I was reminded of what Srinath wrote after becoming actually free :

”I feel like my brain has been ‘uncapped’ and the magnificent universe – as oppose to ‘self’ and ‘other’ is my preoccupation”

And how I have been experiencing life the past couple of weeks, there is a big window open to this kind of experiencing, apperceptiveness shows a world which has nothing to do with ‘me’ or ‘my’ machinations. But yes then at times I have been wondering, is there something ‘I’ must do back in ‘my’ world, which in practice it only ever ends up being a decoy, some ‘adventure’ that only goes around in circles and ends up with ‘me’ looking for the ‘psychic gun’.

I think I understand well what you are pointing to, actually this is the aspect which is enabled via the diminishing of self-centricity, there is ongoing experiential confirmation that a world exists which has nothing to do with ‘me’. This kind of experiencing is where I have been hovering, unsure whether it is the allowing of that or something needing to be done back in ‘my’ world which is required.

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Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Coincidentally I was about to write a post today detailing what has been going on recently and at the end I began writing about a gun which was loaded and the trigger needed to be pulled, I stopped right there as I remembered that Geoffrey had settled this already… and here I was talking about the psychic gun!

Hi Kuba,

Ha, both the ‘shooter’ and the ‘shootée’ have to disappear, voluntarily.

Here is the pivotal sentence in the link you provided –

Geoffrey: When one knows what it is one wants, and when one knows what it is one must sacrifice, then only the sensible action remains.

Kuba: As to “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in” (link) I was contemplating all this a little earlier and I was reminded of what Srinath wrote after becoming actually free:

Srinath: “I feel like my brain has been ‘uncapped’ and the magnificent universe – as oppose to ‘self’ and ‘other’ is my preoccupation” (link)

And how I have been experiencing life the past couple of weeks, there is a big window open to this kind of experiencing, apperceptiveness shows a world which has nothing to do with ‘me’ or ‘my’ machinations. But yes then at times I have been wondering, is there something ‘I’ must do back in ‘my’ world, which in practice it only ever ends up being a decoy, some ‘adventure’ that only goes around in circles and ends up with ‘me’ looking for the ‘psychic gun’.

Even though you compare your experience to what Srinath wrote after he became actually free, fact is that ‘you’ are still a feeling being and are naturally assessing your experience (once apperceptiveness subsides) from ‘your’ perspective – in short, can ‘I’ live in this actual world ‘I’ remember having experienced. The phrase “something ‘I’ must do back in ‘my’ world” [emphasis added] might give you the illusion you have left ‘your’ world, which you haven’t. You described it more precisely before – “there is a big window open” and you are inside, more and more looking out of the window.

When you assess with the apperceptiveness/ PCE ‘self’-less perspective (whilst still experiencing the actual world) you know full well that there is no question that your flesh-and-blood body not only can live in the actual world but thrive far better than you do now. In a PCE you know that this actual world is where I belong, that I have always been here, where everything is perfect and magical.

As such, what you confirm with your choice of words (“there is a big window open”), is that the final arbiter is ‘you’, the feeling being. As such, “when you know what you want”, all ‘you’ do is (eventually) agreeing to ‘your’ demise, permanently, irrevocably, and manumit the flesh-and-blood body Kuba from ‘your’ dominance.

manumit [from Latin manumittere, lit. ‘send out from one’s hand’]: release from slavery; release from bondage or servitude; set free. (Oxford Dictionary).
The word manumission is very useful, on occasion, as to be manumitted is to be freed: the word freed stresses being autonomous, the complete absence of being ruled; (Richard, Abditorium, Manumit)

In other words, to paraphrase Geoffrey, do you know “what it is one must sacrifice”? Do you know “without a shadow of a doubt that ‘I’ am the cause of every evil, corruption, dirt… just because ‘I’ am ‘so precious’. How ‘I’ mess everything up for myself and everybody just because ‘I’ am. And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this”? (Geoffrey, Becoming Free Report)

Because when you do know, with all your ‘being’ and without a shadow of a doubt, “then only the sensible action remains”.

Kuba: I think I understand well what you are pointing to, actually this is the aspect which is enabled via the diminishing of self-centricity, there is ongoing experiential confirmation that a world exists which has nothing to do with ‘me’. This kind of experiencing is where I have been hovering, unsure whether it is the allowing of that or something needing to be done back in ‘my’ world which is required. (link)

What I thought be valuable information for you was:

  1. that Actual Freedom is so much more magnificent and magical than one can ever experience in a PCE or in glimpses of apperceptiveness, and

  2. that experiencing the sweetness of pure intent – embracing and appreciating the purity and overarching benignity and benevolence of the infinite universe – as described by the pioneers (link) might entice you, as an ongoing fatal attraction, to follow this golden clew closer and closer to your destiny.

What is required for an actual freedom to occur is allowing your complete and irrevocable abdication (into blessed oblivion) for the benefit of this body, that body and every body, nothing more, nothing less.

The way it happens is no via control (“a psychic gun”) but “when it becomes more and more difficult to distinguish the difference between one doing it (doing this business called being alive) and it happening of its own accord”. (Richard, Private correspondence with Claudiu, 29 Feb 2012).

Richard: (Being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of-being is quite daunting to contemplate as an on-going EE marks the end of the beginning of the end of ‘me’ and the commencement of the actualism process – as distinct from the actualism method – wherein a momentum not of ‘my’ doing takes over and an inevitability sets in; in an on-going EE the actual world has the effect of impelling one towards it – like a moth to a candle as the overarching benignity and benevolence of the actual increasingly operates such as to render ‘my’ felicity/ innocuity increasingly redundant; this is where being the nearest a ‘self’ can be to innocence – the naiveté located betwixt the core of being and the sexual centre (where one is both likeable and liking) – is attached as if with a golden thread or clew to the purity of actual innocence; an on-going EE is, thus, where one becomes acclimatised to benignity and benevolence and the resultant blitheness because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would ‘blow the fuses’ if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared). (Richard, List D, No. 12, 9 Dec 2009a)

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your message, just a little correction on my part, when I wrote about the window yesterday I didn’t quite like that description. I don’t think this changes the thrust of what you replied to anyways but it would be a more correct metaphor to say that ‘I’ am in a greenhouse, with that wondrous quality being all around, as in a 360. And the ‘boundaries’ of the greenhouse are not solid but rather porous, as in - - - - - - as opposed to ———.

I wrote that initial post whilst nursing a hangover from a 15 hour drinking session over the weekend so I am a little unsure about it in general lol.

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Oh and as were at it let me mention another thing which could well be another illusion generated by ‘me’ but it is interesting nevertheless.

To go back to ‘me’ looking out the window, there is exactly that illusion generated that ‘I’ can then step into the world which was peeked through the window. So ‘I’ (the arbiter) end up projecting ‘myself’ into an imagined actual freedom. That is when it is just another adventure in ‘my’ world, with the psychic guns etc.

Yesterday as I was looking at all this I experienced it completely differently though. To go back to this metaphor of the greenhouse… That self-immolation is when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved, so much so that ‘I’ would have never existed in the first place.

So I experienced this as 2 completely different things, one being ‘me’ jumping from illusion to illusion and the other being ‘my’ dissolution which reveals the already always existing actuality.

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I was just re-reading your reply and I remembered such a magical moment yesterday. I was teaching a class and it happened completely unexpectedly right as I was in the middle of explaining an exercise to everyone.

The partner I was demonstrating on was stood in front of some windows and as it was dusk there was this incredible orange hue of light that was spreading across the room, and this caught my attention, and then in the blink of an eye I was as you describe - where I belong, where everything is perfect and magical. It was particularly interesting because it happened in the class setting and so everybody else was also there in that magical world.

Re-memorating this experience makes the point well - that there is no gradiation between ‘my’ world and that magical world. No matter how diminished, ‘I’ never set foot in the actual world. That is why ‘I’ sacrifice ‘myself’ - so that everybody can live in that magical world, where they already are.

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Kuba: … it would be a more correct metaphor to say that ‘I’ am in a greenhouse, with that wondrous quality being all around, as in a 360. And the ‘boundaries’ of the greenhouse are not solid but rather porous, … (link)

Kuba: Oh and as were at it let me mention another thing which could well be another illusion generated by ‘me’ but it is interesting nevertheless.
To go back to ‘me’ looking out the window, there is exactly that illusion generated that ‘I’ can then step into the world which was peeked through the window. So ‘I’ (the arbiter) end up projecting ‘myself’ into an imagined actual freedom. That is when it is just another adventure in ‘my’ world, with the psychic guns etc.
Yesterday as I was looking at all this I experienced it completely differently though. To go back to this metaphor of the greenhouse… That self-immolation is when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved, so much so that ‘I’ would have never existed in the first place.
So I experienced this as 2 completely different things, one being ‘me’ jumping from illusion to illusion and the other being ‘my’ dissolution which reveals the already always existing actuality. (link)

Hi Kuba,

I wrote my reply to your first two messages last night but decided to hold off to see what happens. I am nevertheless sending my earlier response because those reminders may well come in handy should ‘you’, the persistent passionate and cunning identity, play another trick on you.

-

Unless one takes fully on board, that ‘I’ have to die in ‘my’ entirety you are liable to jump from “illusion to illusion”, every one more ‘real’ than the previous. “That self-immolation is” not “when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved” because ‘you’ have not yet given permission for that to happen. “Those boundaries” do not dissolve of their own accord, the instinct for ‘self’-preservation is too strong. The passion for individual survival is surpassed only by the passion for species survival – hence altruism is essential. Even though you say you “experienced this as 2 completely different things” both alternatives were illusions.

It may be opportune to again fully contemplate this –

Richard: To put it bluntly: ‘you’ in ‘your’ totality, who are but a passionate illusion, must die a dramatic illusory death commensurate to ‘your’ pernicious existence. The drama must be played out to the end … there are no short-cuts here. The doorway to an actual freedom has the word ‘extinction’ written on it. This extinction is irrevocable, which eliminates the psyche itself. When this is all over there will be no ‘being’ at all. Thus when ‘I’ willingly self-immolate – psychologically and psychically – then ‘I’ am making the most noble sacrifice that ‘I’ can make for oneself and all humankind … for ‘I’ am what ‘I’ hold most dear. It is ‘my’ moment of glory. It is ‘my’ crowning achievement … it makes ‘my’ petty life all worth while. It is not an event to be missed … to physically die without having experienced what it is like to become dead is such a waste of a life. (Richard, List B, No. 13, 26 May 1999)

And this –

Srinath: That night I stood in the balcony knowing that something was required to convince me to let go of the controls. I kept thinking about that last piece of pizza that was me and what the reason could there be to ‘die’? It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. [Emphasis added]. (Srinath, Becoming Free Report).

I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.

There is also this report from Claudiu to you about his visit to Geoffrey –

Claudiu: Basically the way he put it is, what will happen in the universe if I physically die? Essentially nothing except this body is dead (most of it will continue as-is). And the point is that the only difference with self-immolating rather than dying, is that there is a body that will continue being conscious (and not fall into a coma or whatever). But for me it will be exactly the same as if the body physically died, no difference whatsoever for me – total extinction. That put the notion to rest that I would continue in any way after self-immolating.
He also really impressed upon me just how significant this is. It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride.
Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before.
Whether there are different flavors of out-from-control that we have been experiencing or they are different things entirely, and/or figuring out what to call all this, could be an interesting exercise, and maybe of value later, but for now whatever it is, it’s clear we hadn’t done that jump Geoffrey talked about here off the cliff. [Emphasis in original]. (30 May 2025)

When you genuinely and sincerely face this very fact that I will have to die, then such illusionary notion that you live in a luscious greenhouse with “rather porous” boundaries is no longer possible. To say it for emphasis, there is no connection at all between the real world and the actual world. To kid yourself that the boundaries are “rather porous” is only postponing your destiny.

To put is another way – sincerity (and ruthless honesty with yourself) is the key to naiveté, and the actualism process can only take over when one has “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 Jan 2016).

As long as there is any aspect of ‘you’ wanting to existentially avoid the fact that ‘you’ have to die, to disappear/ to ‘self’-immolate/ to vanish without a trace, in order for the actual world to become apparent, you will be reduced to grasping at various “doomsday straws” in the face of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’.

-

Vineeto: When you assess with the apperceptiveness/ PCE ‘self’-less perspective (whilst still experiencing the actual world) you know full well that there is no question that your flesh-and-blood body not only can live in the actual world but thrive far better than you do now. In a PCE you know that this actual world is where I belong, that I have always been here, where everything is perfect and magical.

Kuba: I was just re-reading your reply and I remembered such a magical moment yesterday. I was teaching a class and it happened completely unexpectedly right as I was in the middle of explaining an exercise to everyone.
The partner I was demonstrating on was stood in front of some windows and as it was dusk there was this incredible orange hue of light that was spreading across the room, and this caught my attention, and then in the blink of an eye I was as you describe – where I belong, where everything is perfect and magical. It was particularly interesting because it happened in the class setting and so everybody else was also there in that magical world.
Re-memorating this experience makes the point well – that there is no gradation between ‘my’ world and that magical world. No matter how diminished, ‘I’ never set foot in the actual world. That is why ‘I’ sacrifice ‘myself’ – so that everybody can live in that magical world, where they already are. (link).

Excellent. Now that you have a clear and unequivocal benchmark again it is indeed that simple.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for your reply, I appreciate all that you do to offer assistance. [my quotes function is being a bit iffy]

Vineeto: “Unless one takes fully on board, that ‘I’ have to die in ‘my’ entirety you are liable to jump from “illusion to illusion”, every one more ‘real’ than the previous. “That self-immolation is” not “when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved” because ‘you’ have not yet given permission for that to happen. “Those boundaries” do not dissolve of their own accord, the instinct for ‘self’-preservation is too strong. The passion for individual survival is surpassed only by the passion for species survival – hence altruism is essential. Even though you say you “experienced this as 2 completely different things” both alternatives were illusions.”

OK well that is settled now. Jumping from illusion to illusion, every one more ‘real’ than the previous is a good way to put it haha. The main point being though that any projection of what self-immolation looks like or what actual freedom looks like must necessarily be a conconction of ‘mine’. And ‘I’ am pretty good at this it seems! It is quite cunning how it happens really, because there are various glimpses of what exists outside of ‘me’ (such as the magical moment I described), which when they happen it is not ‘me’ looking, and yet once ‘I’ return ‘I’ appropriate those experiences and weave an illusory path out of them, from illusion to illusion exactly…

Vineeto: “I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.”

Yes well, I don’t experience dread when reading those descriptions, it could be 2 ways here though - because extinction is what ‘I’ long for OR that ‘I’ have made some protection for ‘myself’ from all those illusory concoctions. Actually I think it is both! Contemplating all this yesterday I heard (imagined) Richard’s voice saying - “What price to end suffering hey?” I think this sums up well how ‘I’ experience all this.

Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen.

But as not to set off on another illusory adventure and to tie it back to your previous post. The quote you included - “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”… I understand that ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ cannot make it happen, ‘I’ cannot manufacture a genuine reason to die either. So it is allowing that which is outside of ‘me’ which eventually does ‘me’ in.

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Vineeto: “I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.”

Kuba: Yes well, I don’t experience dread when reading those descriptions, it could be 2 ways here though – because extinction is what ‘I’ long for OR that ‘I’ have made some protection for ‘myself’ from all those illusory concoctions. Actually I think it is both! Contemplating all this yesterday I heard (imagined) Richard’s voice saying – “What price to end suffering hey?” I think this sums up well how ‘I’ experience all this.
Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen.

Hi Kuba,

Could it be that you “have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks” because you chose to have them diverted into those palatable illusions, for instance that “those boundaries” will dissolve of their own accord?

In one way or another “that unpalatable resistance” needs to be acknowledged, accepted as par for the course, and eventually overcome/ dissolved (not resolved) when you embark on the journey to leave your ‘self’ behind.

resolution: the answering of a question; the solving of doubt or a problem; the settlement of a dispute; formerly also, an explanation, a solution; the supplying of an answer. ~ (Oxford Dictionary).[Upload failed]
dissolution: the action of bringing to an end; the state of being ended; destruction or ruin of an organised system etc. ~ (Oxford Dictionary).

As Claudiu put it –

Claudiu: So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before.
Whether there are different flavors of out-from-control that we have been experiencing or they are different things entirely, and/or figuring out what to call all this, could be an interesting exercise, and maybe of value later, but for now whatever it is, it’s clear we hadn’t done that jump Geoffrey talked about here off the cliff. (30 May 2025)

Kuba: But as not to set off on another illusory adventure and to tie it back to your previous post. The quote you included – “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”… I understand that ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ cannot make it happen, ‘I’ cannot manufacture a genuine reason to die either. So it is allowing that which is outside of ‘me’ which eventually does ‘me’ in. (link)

You will know when you have in fact made the jump because after that there will no longer be even the option of creating “another illusory adventure” or consider that the controller should pull an imaginary gun. The fact that you presently contemplate these options possibly happening means you still need to find a way traverse the “enormous wall of fear completely encircling all of humankind” (Out from Control Reports, Vineeto)

Once “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 Jan 2016).

Then only the ‘beer’ is operating, not the ‘doer’, and it is the pure intent, gleaned from one’s PCEs, which provides the pull. Then you simply allow doing what is happening, not just occasionally but continuously.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

I already wrote the below when you replied so might as well post it :

I don’t know if this was the intended outcome of these talks but yesterday for the first time in 6 years I thought I am throwing in the towel… there is nothing more I could possibly give. The ‘worst’ thing is I couldn’t even have the strop I (didn’t really) wanted to have :laughing: . On the way to training somebody cut me up and I tried to get angry but I couldn’t even do that, there was no steam for it. When I got home I couldn’t help but enjoy and appreciate that Sonya had made (super spicy) hot pot for dinner for us.

So ultimately this giving up changed nothing with regards to the commitment to happiness and harmlessness (which cannot be broken now), but it’s almost like something that needed to happen. All my hopes have been squashed and defeated, maybe it is beginning to click that the end is the end.

Right now there is not a single direction ‘I’ can travel within ‘myself’, ‘I’ have tried them all!

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Hi Vineeto,

So with the strop over now… your reply was excellent.

I wrote earlier that there is just no other direction that ‘I’ could travel within ‘myself’, that is true. But all the journeys within ‘myself’ were always journeys with a return ticket.

I had your reply in mind all day today, especially the below :

Once “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 Jan 2016).

And indeed I can see now there is a direction in which I have never travelled before and this one is not a path within ‘myself’.

And I can see that it is possible, that such a direction exists, in fact in the back of my mind I have always suspected that this is exactly what it would take, it just seemed too radical a direction to actually go.

Now though because I have literally ran out of the possible journeys with a return ticket, this one is staring me right in the face.

You know I have (about 30min ago) sustained a ligament tear in my knee, possibly partial but it seemed quite severe so possibly a full tear, but actually that currently seems irrelevant (well I know it will get sorted either way). That’s just to highlight how significant this is what I have seen today.

And although I am not currently travelling in that direction / have never travelled in that direction - I can now see that such a direction exists, and has done all along, and this in itself Is huge! Even just coming close to this possibility, allowing/accepting that it exists, has led to a completely different type of experiencing today.

To sum up, I can see now that a direction exists which does not lead in a circle back to ‘me’. And the “how” of it is spelled out in that quote above.

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Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
So with the strop over now… your reply was excellent.
I wrote earlier that there is just no other direction that ‘I’ could travel within ‘myself’, that is true. But all the journeys within ‘myself’ were always journeys with a return ticket.

Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it amazing how the human mind works. Sometimes you have to exhaust all possibilities of a certain course of action until you stop – and suddenly the new, so far unseen or unconsidered option becomes visible. It has been sitting there all along but you weren’t ready for it … until now.

Kuba: I had your reply in mind all day today, especially the below:

Vineeto: Once “given oneself prior permission to have one’s life live itself (i.e., sans the controlling doer), and a different way of being comes about (i.e., where the beer is the operant) – whereupon a thrilling out-from-control momentum takes over and an inevitability sets in – whereafter there is no pulling back (hence the reluctance in having it set in motion) as once begun it is nigh-on unstoppable.” [Emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Claudiu4, 28 Jan 2016).

Kuba: And indeed I can see now there is a direction in which I have never travelled before and this one is not a path within ‘myself’.
And I can see that it is possible, that such a direction exists, in fact in the back of my mind I have always suspected that this is exactly what it would take, it just seemed too radical a direction to actually go.
Now though because I have literally ran out of the possible journeys with a return ticket, this one is staring me right in the face.
You know I have (about 30min ago) sustained a ligament tear in my knee, possibly partial but it seemed quite severe so possibly a full tear, but actually that currently seems irrelevant (well I know it will get sorted either way). That’s just to highlight how significant this is what I have seen today.

This is an excellent development, and now you have a (serendipitous?) pause in some of your physical activities as well to discover and explore this new, different-way-of-being. It is indeed a radical direction to actually go – radical as in “going to the root or origin”, “characterised by departure from tradition” (Oxford Dictionary).

Kuba: And although I am not currently travelling in that direction / have never travelled in that direction – I can now see that such a direction exists, and has done all along, and this in itself Is huge! Even just coming close to this possibility, allowing/ accepting that it exists, has led to a completely different type of experiencing today.
To sum up, I can see now that a direction exists which does not lead in a circle back to ‘me’. And the “how” of it is spelled out in that quote above. (link)

Obviously, in that complete understanding that everything else has failed to reach your goal you are now ready to explore “just seemed too radical a direction to actually go”. Have you also considered, when contemplating the quote above, that by giving oneself “prior permission to have one’s life live itself” this includes the acquiescence to ‘my’ demise?

It takes the abandoning of hope (in the old ways) and a goodly dose of daring to do that. As you described it before –

Kuba: Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen. (link)

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

What a hectic 24 hours it has been! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: Not sudorific by any means but experientially / existentially there has been so much going on. You know I have always been quite keen on meticulously describing (even systematising) my experiencing but the nature of some of this experiencing lately I can’t really put into words. I guess it’s the fact of having these wonderful experiences in the first place but also at the same time the existential sense of approaching my destiny, which makes it so incredible.

I was filled with appreciation yesterday because looking at the manner in which I have spent the last 24 hours I remembered what it was like for the 18 year old me who had just discovered actualism, I remember how deeply mired in suffering I was and what it took to hoist myself up by my own bootstraps and somehow bit by bit extricate myself from the mess.

And now to arrive at a place where feeling good happens automatically, where mostly the only diversions from feeling good can happen when I am on the “hot seat” with you :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: And then on top of that more and more frequently there are these experiences happening for which I have no words. Yesterday as I was driving to one of my hen do’s it was exactly as Srinath wrote in his report :

Srinath: “I was driving my car once and the actual world around me seemed so deliciously magical that I wanted to shout out with joy”.

That particular experience was the peak, but even the rest of the day it was like that in various degrees.

So when it was at that unbelievable peak, I thought well if this is an opportunity to become actually free then I must make use of it. But then at the same time I was aware of what we have arrived at recently, that something else needs to happen still! But then I thought “how on earth could it get more than this!” :laughing:

So to sum up I am still looking at this proposition - To give permission to have my life live itself, and yes I have been contemplating how this also includes the acquiescence to ‘my’ demise. And it’s like the fascinated contemplating of all this, with the entirety of ‘my’ being, has changed the atmosphere around me.

Oh and in terms of the “wall of fear” still needing to be traversed, I take good note of this. It’s just that in my experiencing I cannot see it so far. There is often this tingling excitation, or like a charge in the air. Definitely still keeping this in mind though.

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Hi Kuba,

Reading your report is a delight, and I better don’t comment much as to not create a “diversions from feeling good” for you. Course correction can do that; your description gave me a good chuckle.

Kuba: So to sum up I am still looking at this proposition – To give permission to have my life live itself, and yes I have been contemplating how this also includes the acquiescence to ‘my’ demise. And it’s like the fascinated contemplating of all this, with the entirety of ‘my’ being, has changed the atmosphere around me.

As this permission to have your life living itself happens on a deep ‘being’ level (“the entirety of ‘my’ being”), and has already “changed the atmosphere around” you, you can safely allow this contemplation simmer in the background. It’s an exciting, exhilarating and thrilling time and I remember it as ‘her’ happiest time as a feeling being.

Kuba: Oh and in terms of the “wall of fear” still needing to be traversed, I take good note of this. It’s just that in my experiencing I cannot see it so far. There is often this tingling excitation, or like a charge in the air. Definitely still keeping this in mind though. (link)

There might an alternative to looking for the “unpalatable resistance”, and you have already experimented with it –

**Kuba: **So I woke up pretty excited about this new thing to explore – actual intimacy. It clicked yesterday that essentially I conflated an emotional intimacy with actual intimacy and then wrongly thought that to get close to the other meant to wade into the waters of emotional intimacy. So whatever resistance I had towards getting close to the other, it was based in a misunderstanding.
I have re-memorated the flavour of actual intimacy, a direct experiencing of the other. In short there is nothing that could go wrong there!
And it is a delicious thing, to experience the actuality of the other, that they are here now as a flesh and blood body.
Now I am genuinely excited at this possibility, to experience the other directly.
There is this rather cliche sign that hangs upon entrances to various martial arts academies – “Leave your ego at the door”, the door to actual intimacy has a similar sign but it reads – “Leave ‘your’ self at the door”. (28 Sep 2005)

And –

Kuba: Oh and another thing! Perhaps part of / the reason for what changed recently, interestingly enough this is how ‘Vineeto’ stepped out from control. Which is that I dared to fully enjoy sex and sexuality, and since then it’s like something opened up, this doorway to a totally naive enjoyment of life. Now knowing that I can fully enjoy sex and sexuality I have nothing else that could possibly be missing. The thing that I realised is that under the guise of ‘actualist morality’ I had been repressing my sex drive, and the other day I remembered something that Richard wrote under the correspondence on sex, that one starts where one is, which as a feeling being it is to ‘be’ that sex drive and thus enter the ‘sexual dimension’ that way, then of course there is the possibility of actuality peeking through. (2 Apr 2026)

I found this quote from Richard significant –

Respondent: I ask because I’m not really sure what role the sex drive plays in all this.
Richard: The instinctual sex drive has a vital role to play in all this; because ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ then it is equally the case that ‘I’ am ‘my’ libido and ‘my’ libido is ‘me’. (Richard, List D, No. 20, 11 Dec 2009).

I said “there might an alternative” because the instinctual sex drive has so far not been explicitly described in becoming free from the human condition but it certainly played a significant role for ‘Vineeto’ to find ‘herself’ on the other side of the wall of fear.

Who knows, you might be pioneering to take it a step further …

Cheers Vineeto

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