Kub933's Journal

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2176

Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: As this permission to have your life living itself happens on a deep ‘being’ level (“the entirety of ‘my’ being”), and has already “changed the atmosphere around” you, you can safely allow this contemplation simmer in the background…

Yes that is so correct, I think even by the time I read your reply this was already happening.

Vineeto: It’s an exciting, exhilarating and thrilling time and I remember it as ‘her’ happiest time as a feeling being.

Yesterday I went to teach my evening BJJ class and (this was actually the main reason for the “evening glooms”) I was always so scared to freely and fully enjoy and appreciate whilst there, something about ‘my’ role as a coach which was blocking it. And yesterday it was as if ‘my’ entire ‘being’ had/was just a big sincere smile from corner to corner, with no hint of resentment or bitterness and no self consciousness at having/being this. I have never experienced such deeply sincere happiness and harmlessness, ‘I’ was smiling with the entirety of ‘my’ being.

I am not sure if this means the jump has or has not been made, but I can experientially understand this now. I can see that self-immolation cannot possibly be something done by ‘me’, it is something that will happen to ‘me’, with ‘my’ full agreement. As you said a while back, it is not ‘do-able’ but rather ‘be-able’.

“the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”

This has been coming to mind alot recently, actually over the weekend there was a pretty funny/delightful experience. I was going to one of my hen do’s, it’s a drive to the seaside with a very picturesque setting throughout and all the while I was in wonderment… I had to pull over by the roadside at one point to relieve myself, the first car that drove by gave me a little honk, initially ‘I’ responded with fear, thinking ‘I’ am doing something wrong, but then I realised that most likely that was just a playful honk by the driver, and then the largesse and fun of it all hit me in such a total way, it was just a layer cake of enjoyment and appreciation at doing this business called being alive, in the world as it is with people as they are. I thought this would be the perfect way to go :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: .

But also this “sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in” , allowing this I can see that there are actually countless reasons for ‘me’ to disappear and the more I allow this the more reasons are staring me right in the face. This morning I was reading a text from my brother (we have been talking about my recent knee injury), and we have always had a great relationship, we have had the same interests and spent much time together. And I was so appreciative of this, of him, and yet I could see that only without ‘me’ could that enjoyment and appreciation be complete.

So far there has only been some delightful experimentation here :blush:

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Kuba: Yesterday I went to teach my evening BJJ class and (this was actually the main reason for the “evening glooms”) I was always so scared to freely and fully enjoy and appreciate whilst there, something about ‘my’ role as a coach which was blocking it. And yesterday it was as if ‘my’ entire ‘being’ had/ was just a big sincere smile from corner to corner, with no hint of resentment or bitterness and no self consciousness at having/ being this. I have never experienced such deeply sincere happiness and harmlessness, ‘I’ was smiling with the entirety of ‘my’ being.

Hi Kuba,

Ha, now you know why Richard invented a new meaning to the word “bester”. Enjoyment and appreciation reach a new level. It looks as if your social role and sense of responsibility as an instructor were in the way and making you self-conscious. It all can falls by the wayside as if by itself.

-

Vineeto: You will know when you have in fact made the jump because after that there will no longer be even the option of creating “another illusory adventure” or consider that the controller should pull an imaginary gun.

Kuba: I am not sure if this means the jump has or has not been made, but I can experientially understand this now. I can see that self-immolation cannot possibly be something done by ‘me’, it is something that will happen to ‘me’, with ‘my’ full agreement. As you said a while back, it is not ‘do-able’ but rather ‘be-able’. (link)

Richard described it as being “unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’” –

• [Richard]: “… one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before … so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/ it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/ it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in.
Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord … one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.
One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny”. [emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Rick, 4 Jan 2006).

The remainder of your post is simply delightful to read.

I have started to read Richard’s List D correspondence again and today I found that his message to No. 25a adds a lot to what you and @Claudiu are busy with, to wit, there is no need to dive into/ dwell on explorations into fear and dread for the sake of it (the affective acknowledgement/ awareness that ‘I’ have to die is the crucial component), and then continue to tap into pure intent –

Respondent: How can current actualists bypass such acute experiences of dread on the ‘path’ to freedom? (…) Is there a strategy that can be utilized to bypass or minimize such experiences?
Richard: Yep … tapping into pure intent should do the trick nicely.
For instance:

#10876
From: richard.actualfreedom
Date: Sat Feb 4, 2012 12:16 am
Subject: Re: […] about two types of Actual Freedom
• [James] […] Is the pce necessary? ps: Is the pce necessary for pure intent to come out of this vast stillness?
• [Richard]: G’day James, Prior to 11.25 AM (AEDST) on Saturday, the 14th of November, 2009, a pure consciousness experience (PCE) was indeed necessary for pure intent – that benevolence and benignity of the vast and utter stillness of the universe itself – and the reason why a PCE was essential is reported/ described/ explained both on The Actual Freedom Trust website and in ‘Richard’s Journal’.
[…] what the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago experienced as an ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ was experienced by the feeling-being ‘Peter’, on the 29th of December 2009, as [quote] ‘a sweetness that was palpable’ [endquote] and that ‘he’ was [quote] ‘literally being bathed in this sweetness’ [endquote]. […].
Other people have reported experiencing that over-arching benevolence and benignity as a palpable sweetness as well.
Pamela, for instance, spoke of it in those terms during the ten minutes or so immediately prior to the pivotal event/ the definitive moment when she became actually free of the instinctual passions/ the feeling-being formed thereof on the 27th of January 2010.
(On another occasion, about three weeks later, she reported experiencing it as being an ‘infinite tenderness’ of such a magnitude as to render her incoherent upon endeavouring to describe it to Vineeto).
Vineeto […snip…] has written of it, in a private email, as being ‘an overwhelming sweetness, so overwhelmingly sweet that tears were running down my face. At another time I experienced a tenderness so vast that I was speechless for a good time afterwards’.
I mention these reports so as to demonstrate that what the feeling-being inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body all those years ago experienced as an ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ may not necessarily be exactly the way others experience it. […]. (Message 10876, Richard, List D, James, 4 Feb 2012).

Incidentally, there is a follow-up email (Richard, List D, James, 6 Feb 2012) to the above post (partly re-presented further below). (Richard, List D, No. 25a, 25 May 2013)

In fact, the whole post is worth reading and digesting because No. 25 is asking about the various reports of fear and dread by Richard as well as ‘Peter’ and ‘Vineeto’, whereupon Richard points out, twice, that after the opening of the Direct Route tapping into pure intent will do the trick, as it had done for the first pioneers. What Richard is referring to is pure intent personified becoming immanently accessible (not via a PCE but now also via a fully actually free person), available now at any time and anywhere, regardless of distance.

Richard: Which means that, these days, when that ‘palpable sweetness’ (for instance) is experienced it is that ‘over-arching benevolence and benignity’ being experienced, by virtue of that immaculate perfection having become manifest in the everyday world as a flesh-and-blood body only, as they are both one and the same thing in essence.
Thus to answer your second question: it is the experiencing of that ‘palpable sweetness’ (for instance) which comes first.
P.S.: As there is now both a male and a female fully here in this actual world, the completely new consciousness (a totally original way of being conscious) for all humankind to avail themselves of is nowadays entirely equitable.
And this is truly marvellous.
(See the footnote in Message No. 10573 Richard, List D, Rick, #1) for some details).
(Richard, List D, James, 6 Feb 2012)

So you are on the right track allowing the marvellously increasing enjoyment and appreciation, and then tune into and allow the sweetness of being bathed in this overarching benignity, benevolence, sweetness and intimacy, and then the “sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”.

Cheers Vineeto

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So last night seriousness briefly reared its ugly head, I am glad it did because I saw immediately what a totally insalubrious way of living it is, it can never ever deliver the goods. When living seriously ‘I’ invite the whole gamut of ‘my’ sorrow and malice into each and every situation. And at the very best ‘I’ can end up living as a self-righteous prude.

I remember recently when discussing the various possibilities for the arrangements of the actualist gathering, ‘I’ was getting tangled up in knots. Fortunately Geoffrey was also part of those discussions. I found it fascinating, maybe even a bit of an affront to ‘me’ :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: , that he did not follow suit in becoming equally tangled up haha. I am reminded of what Richard wrote, that he could not be serious if his life depended on it.

But then again living seriously is what everyone is doing, what everyone has been doing all this time, and it clearly has not worked to deliver peace and harmony. In fact I can see now that it works actively against it! As Geoffrey wrote (paraphrasing) every little ‘me’ more precious than the other, on a ridiculous parade of malice in sorrow, with the greatest seriousness!

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Hi Vineeto,

So it looks like “the fear” has surfaced :grin: , it’s quite fascinating what happened / what ‘I’ did… It looks like basically I got heavily spooked at some point in the past, it makes sense as I was not yet ready to proceed and I tried to push right through regardless.

So after that heavy dose of the heebie-jeebies I (as you said) “resolved” that fear away, essentially I conveniently set it aside somewhere in the psyche, and it looks like I did this so well that I could no longer locate it. So then the consequence was that I was playing around in a paddling pool and thinking myself to be falling off the cliff.

So today when I got a whiff of it, I was quite excited actually :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: , the difference now is that I find myself in a far better position to proceed. This fear I no longer experienced as an “unpalatable resistance”, instead I experienced it as this raw apprehension at the prospect of no longer ‘being’. And I was able to allow a fascinated attention right into it, without moving (psychically).

I have been having a very grand time since, which doesn’t necessarily mean it has been dissolved but some headway has been made for sure! There is a lot more I wanted to write about but I am somewhat pressed for time so I will leave it at that for now :slightly_smiling_face: .

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So to continue on, and this is one is quite long winded haha. Yesterday after I was able to go into this fear I was thinking about physical death or serious injury etc I’ve mentioned this many times to Sonya when we would watch various movies. That the way death or serious injury is depicted speaks more to ‘humanity’s’ bent on the macabre than the factuality of what these events are like.

And I know this because when I was 10 years old I had a severe break to my arm. I fell off a tree and when I got up (in this weird daze) I looked at my arm and it was just a noodle of mangled bones. There was no pain at all, in fact I walked all the way home and when my dad opened the door I asked him if he thought my arm was broken. He always recounts this story and remembers that when he saw me I was all grey. But the point is that there was no pain and no suffering either, the body clearly “knew” what to do in such a situation, releasing this or that in order to numb pain etc.

So this is what I was thinking yesterday, that clearly the body “knows” how to die, it is set up to be able to do this, and the same for any other significant injuries, childbirth etc. And I am beginning to have the same confidence with regards to proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction, that all what is required is provided as/when needed. Which means that the only thing ‘I’ have to busy ‘myself’ with is simply proceeding. And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate.

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Hi Kuba,

It is fascinating to read that you first had to get past the initial reaction of feeling “an affront” for someone not taking you and your entanglement seriously, and then you could recognize the sensibility of not being serious yourself. That is how ‘I’ tick, and you might notice most others do as well. Being aware of it, each time it happens, is how to whittle down this instinctually-fuelled habit of taking oneself seriously (really, as being the most important). It’s ubiquitous. Can you see how self-centredness and seriousness are inextricably linked?

Then the amusing aspect of it can become apparent.

Kuba: But then again living seriously is what everyone is doing, what everyone has been doing all this time, and it clearly has not worked to deliver peace and harmony. In fact, I can see now that it works actively against it! As Geoffrey wrote (paraphrasing) every little ‘me’ more precious than the other, on a ridiculous parade of malice in sorrow, with the greatest seriousness! (link)

Yes, I always liked his description and the more you can see the ridiculousness of it, the less self-important you become – and vice versa.

*

Kuba: So it looks like “the fear” has surfaced, it’s quite fascinating what happened / what ‘I’ did… It looks like basically I got heavily spooked at some point in the past, it makes sense as I was not yet ready to proceed and I tried to push right through regardless.
So after that heavy dose of the heebie-jeebies I (as you said) “resolved” that fear away, essentially I conveniently set it aside somewhere in the psyche, and it looks like I did this so well that I could no longer locate it. So then the consequence was that I was playing around in a paddling pool and thinking myself to be falling off the cliff.

Indeed, this fear of ‘me’ being nothing but a contingent ‘being’ with no substance of my own on one hand and the immaculate perfection on the other, can be a “heavy dose of the heebie-jeebies”, as you put it, that it needs a great daring (and caring) to allow it to surface again (and again, if necessary) in order to eventually dissolve it and proceed, rather than push it into the background or rationalise it away. The fact that you “got a whiff of it” means you are able to allow it now.

Richard reports that ‘he’, the identity, having pulled back many times –

Richard: It is the very imminence, of immaculate perfection being the irrevocable actuality, which occasions the pulling-back, turning- away, closing-off, shutting-down, and so on, as only extinction lies ahead. (The way in which a PCE comes about is quite different to how an actual freedom happens: the former occurring via abeyance, of identity in toto/ the entire affective faculty, and the latter via extinction of same).
Indeed, on many an occasion all those years ago (1981) the identity then inhabiting this flesh and blood body pulled-back in alarum, upon the intensity of pleasure reaching such an ever-spiralling momentum as to be mounting exponentially, only to later on chide himself (when back to normal) for not having the intestinal fortitude to have proceeded whilst the vital opportunity was presenting itself.
Put succinctly: this which has been my everyday experiencing for all of seventeen years now – so easily experienceable in a blithe and carefree manner – was discerned back then as being of such a magnitude of intensity that nobody could possibly live that, as an on-going and irrevocable permanency, for more than five-ten minutes at the most … whereupon physical death must surely happen. (Richard, List D, No. 6, 16 Nov 2009).

Kuba: So today when I got a whiff of it, I was quite excited actually, the difference now is that I find myself in a far better position to proceed. This fear I no longer experienced as an “unpalatable resistance”, instead I experienced it as this raw apprehension at the prospect of no longer ‘being’. And I was able to allow a fascinated attention right into it, without moving (psychically).
I have been having a very grand time since, which doesn’t necessarily mean it has been dissolved but some headway has been made for sure! There is a lot more I wanted to write about but I am somewhat pressed for time so I will leave it at that for now. (link)

Excellent. However, should you be wondering from where to get the gumption to proceed despite any occurring “unpalatable resistance” – and because I have noticed that you like it all mapped out before going ahead to then try it experientially – this might give you the answer –

Alan: So, yes, altruism can be the only motive. ‘I’ do this for the benefit of my fellow human beings, or ‘I’ do this not at all. The only question which remains – do ‘I’ have the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed?
Richard: No … because no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’ before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds.
The question is: what is preventing ‘me’ from proceeding? [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 28 Jan 2001).

Cheers Vineeto

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Ha such synchronicity, if you have a look at my above post written just a few minutes before yours, this was exactly where I arrived yesterday.

And just to clarify more what I referred to here - “And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate.”

[Richard]: ‘A deep feeling of dread, the abject intuition of impending doom, is fraught with foreboding, be it a grim, dire, or awful presage, and this intensely apprehensive trepidation is symptomatic of the existential angst (the anguish of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’) which underpins all suffering. As such an occasion of profound dread is an opportune moment to plumb the depths of ‘being’ itself (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) … rather than avoidance through realisation of the portentous event as all manner of phantasmagoria can be manifested by such evasion. With pure intent one can enable a movement into the existential angst, rather than despairingly grasping at doomsday straws, which movement facilitates the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself.

So it is ‘my’ evasion which occasions the heebie-jeebies, otherwise there can be a movement into this raw fear, with “the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself.”.

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Kuba: So to continue on, and this is one is quite long winded haha. Yesterday after I was able to go into this fear I was thinking about physical death or serious injury etc I’ve mentioned this many times to Sonya when we would watch various movies. That the way death or serious injury is depicted speaks more to ‘humanity’s’ bent on the macabre than the factuality of what these events are like.
And I know this because when I was 10 years old I had a severe break to my arm. I fell off a tree and when I got up (in this weird daze) I looked at my arm and it was just a noodle of mangled bones. There was no pain at all, in fact I walked all the way home and when my dad opened the door I asked him if he thought my arm was broken. He always recounts this story and remembers that when he saw me I was all grey. But the point is that there was no pain and no suffering either, the body clearly “knew” what to do in such a situation, releasing this or that in order to numb pain etc.

Hi Kuba,

Let me clear some misconception. When someone has a serious accident, the body goes into physical shock and with the aid of Adrenaline and other chemicals numbs the pain. Often also ‘I’ go into the background because practical physical survival measures have to be taken care of first. Later, when the shock subsides, pain occurs according to the injuries obtained and eventually ‘me’ with ‘my’ fears and worries comes back to centre stage. It’s been recorded of car accidents when people seriously injured have walked for miles only to break down once they reach help.

“Feeling no pain immediately after a car accident is common, but it does not mean you are uninjured. Adrenaline and shock often mask injuries, with symptoms like whiplash, internal damage, or stiffness often appearing hours or days later.” (https://www.cnsomd.com/blog/)

Kuba: So this is what I was thinking yesterday, that clearly the body “knows” how to die, it is set up to be able to do this, and the same for any other significant injuries, childbirth etc. And I am beginning to have the same confidence with regards to proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction, that all what is required is provided as/when needed. Which means that the only thing ‘I’ have to busy ‘myself’ with is simply proceeding.

Ha, the familiar mapping out what is going to happen – fact is that the body does not die upon self-immolation, it is ‘me’ who is needs to, voluntarily and in full agreement, ‘self’-immolate – and when ‘you’ push before ‘you’ are ready to voluntarily manumit your flesh-and-blood body from bondage, then as a consequence ‘you’ create illusionary scenarios up to altered states of consciousness to avoid the frightening situation.

The confidence you are having now is based on a false narrative and won’t last.

Kuba: And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate. (link)

The “heebie-jeebies” are in themselves the stalling or hesitating. It is one and same. Once you get back to feeling good you will see that for yourself. More on this below.

-

Vineeto:

Richard: No … because no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’ before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 28 Jan 2001).

Kuba: Ha such synchronicity, if you have a look at my above post written just a few minutes before yours, this was exactly where I arrived yesterday. And just to clarify more what I referred to here – “And furthermore the heebie-jeebies come only when ‘I’ stall or hesitate.”

Hi Kuba,

Upon careful re-reading you will see it is not synchronicity. You have not yet started “to proceed” but gone into (non-factual) narratives.

Kuba:

Richard: ‘A deep feeling of dread, the abject intuition of impending doom, is fraught with foreboding, be it a grim, dire, or awful presage, and this intensely apprehensive trepidation is symptomatic of the existential angst (the anguish of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’) which underpins all suffering. As such an occasion of profound dread is an opportune moment to plumb the depths of ‘being’ itself (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) … rather than avoidance through realisation of the portentous event as all manner of phantasmagoria can be manifested by such evasion. With pure intent one can enable a movement into the existential angst, rather than despairingly grasping at doomsday straws, which movement facilitates the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself. (Richard, List B, James3, 21 Nov 2002a).

Kuba: So it is ‘my’ evasion which occasions the heebie-jeebies, otherwise there can be a movement into this raw fear, with “the bright light of awareness being shone into the innermost recesses of ‘my’ presence … which is ‘presence’ itself.” (link)

You said in a previous post –

Kuba: So today when I got a whiff of it, I was quite excited actually, the difference now is that I find myself in a far better position to proceed. This fear I no longer experienced as an “unpalatable resistance”, instead I experienced it as this raw apprehension at the prospect of no longer ‘being’. And I was able to allow a fascinated attention right into it, without moving (psychically).
I have been having a very grand time since … (link)

This “I was able to allow a fascinated attention right into it” happened then but this moment of apperceptive clarity is not happening now. Instead, you are presently building a castle with preposterous [back-to-front] “phantasmagoria”, thinking you still “allow a fascinated attention right into it”.

I am confident you will figure this out for yourself in due course.

Here is a reminder from Richard which might, eventually, give you pause to clear your head and start again –

Richard: Wherever there be no underestimating the extent to which a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning feeling-being will go in order to remain affectively-psychically in existence – millions upon millions of years of blind nature’s successful perpetuation of the species via its rough-and-ready instinctual survival passions blindly dictates no other course of action can ever instinctually come about – is where there be far less likelihood of ascribing to nescience that which quite properly has its roots in the visceral wiliness of the wild which has so successfully proliferated the species thus far.
It is no-one’s fault if they be more cunning – more instinctively wily – than the norm as it is genetic inheritance which determines the degree to which instinctual drives, urges, impulses, appetites, and all the rest, are operating.
*
’Tis no little thing what we are doing here on this forum – the implications and ramifications stemming from actively participating in this pioneering enterprise are truly enormous – and I am well-pleased to see the vitalising pioneer-spirit, which has brought the human race thus far, is not only still alive and well but, arguably, operating and functioning even better than ever! (Richard, List D, Alan, #1).

I am not suggesting that you are “more cunning – more instinctively wily – than the norm” but this was the best quote to point out not to underestimate “the extent to which a lost, lonely, frightened and very, very cunning feeling-being will go in order to remain affectively-psychically in existence”. This is one of those situations where you confuse yourself so thoroughly and cunningly that I have trouble following, let alone untangling your complicated web.

The fascinating thing is, this is how the conversation started with you “getting tangled up in knots”. (link)

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

OK but I do not see the misconception. I understand that despite the shock my arm was indeed broken (and needed modern medical aid to be repositioned), and also as you said later on once the shock subsided I was indeed in so much pain/suffering that I was crying as it seemed that I could bear no more.

I was more referring to the fact that what needed to happen during such an extreme scenario, did in fact happen (the shock etc), then later on although the pain was intense and seemed like I could not bear it, I could indeed. And equally I am sure if the pain was to such a degree that I could not bear it then I would pass out etc. Of course this is not to say one would refuse modern medical aid in its various facets, that would be utterly silly.

(Funnily enough I was in a way denied such help back then, this was Poland back in the day and I remember we couldn’t even get an ambulance, in the end I had to get the bus with my dad :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: And once at the hospital I don’t even remember being administered any painkillers, only general anaesthetic once I was sent off to surgery, and that took some time also!)

But those memories were only an entry point for a contemplation on proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction… That ‘my’ altruism - with it’s concomitant courage - is already in place, in ‘me’. Which means that ‘I’ do not have to worry about how ‘I’ could garner such courage in advance, as this is provided by the circumstances as/when they happen.

So then to link it back to what you wrote and Richard’s quote, I just cannot see where the mismatch is? :

Vineeto: However, should you be wondering from where to get the gumption to proceed despite any occurring “unpalatable resistance” – and because I have noticed that you like it all mapped out before going ahead to then try it experientially – this might give you the answer –

Alan: So, yes, altruism can be the only motive. ‘I’ do this for the benefit of my fellow human beings, or ‘I’ do this not at all. The only question which remains – do ‘I’ have the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed?
Richard: No … because **no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds.

The writing points to the fact that one does not need to have it mapped out or to garner the courage in advance, as the intestinal fortitude required is provided as/when one proceeds, which is exactly what I arrived at.

Furthermore I had no map or plan come out of this contemplation, it was actually the opposite, that this is not required, that all ‘I’ do is proceed.

I will leave the other bits about the heebie-jeebies as those are indeed messy.

Edit :

Vineeto, I wonder did it perhaps look to you like I was trying to invoke some altered state of consciousness (much like the shock experienced during the arm break) in order to be invulnerable en route to extinction? If it’s anything like this then I am almost completely certain that this is not the case, the “almost” is only because I am still a feeling being :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

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Kuba: Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: Let me clear some misconception. When someone has a serious accident, the body goes into physical shock and with the aid of Adrenaline and other chemicals numbs the pain. Often also ‘I’ go into the background because practical physical survival measures have to be taken care of first. Later, when the shock subsides, pain occurs according to the injuries obtained and eventually ‘me’ with ‘my’ fears and worries comes back to centre stage. It’s been recorded of car accidents when people seriously injured have walked for miles only to break down once they reach help. (snip quote)

Kuba: OK but I do not see the misconception. I understand that despite the shock my arm was indeed broken (and needed modern medical aid to be repositioned), and also as you said later on once the shock subsided I was indeed in so much pain/ suffering that I was crying as it seemed that I could bear no more. (snip details).
But those memories were only an entry point for a contemplation on proceeding towards ‘my’ extinction… That ‘my’ altruism – with its concomitant courage – is already in place, in ‘me’. Which means that ‘I’ do not have to worry about how ‘I’ could garner such courage in advance, as this is provided by the circumstances as/when they happen.

Hi Kuba,

The point I was making – perhaps ‘diversion’ is a better classification than ‘misconception’ – was in the part you left out –

Vineeto: … fact is that the body does not die upon self-immolation, it is ‘me’ who is needs to, voluntarily and in full agreement, ‘self’-immolate – and when ‘you’ push before ‘you’ are ready to voluntarily manumit your flesh-and-blood body from bondage, then as a consequence ‘you’ create illusionary scenarios up to altered states of consciousness to avoid the frightening situation. [Emphasis added] (link)

Therefore, when you say “I was able to go into this fear I was thinking about physical death or serious injury” you are missing the point. In contrast, here is again the quote from Richard which you presented yesterday (link) –

[Richard]: ‘A deep feeling of dread, the abject intuition of impending doom, is fraught with foreboding be it a grim, dire, or awful presage, and this intensely apprehensive trepidation is symptomatic of the existential angst (the anguish of the essential insecurity of being a contingent ‘being’) which underpins all suffering. As such an occasion of profound dread is an opportune moment to plumb the depths of ‘being’ itself (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) … [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List B, James3, 21 Nov 2002a).

Any contemplation “about physical death or serious injury” is in no way comparable to any “deep feeling of dread” which may arise when considering ‘my’ full agreement to ‘my’ irrevocable demise. It can only be a diversion or palliative plaster to prevent this fear from re-emerging again. It is ‘me’ who is utterly afraid of ceasing to exist, whereas when the identity gone, there is no fear of physical death whatsoever.

Kuba: So then to link it back to what you wrote and Richard’s quote, I just cannot see where the mismatch is? :

Vineeto: However, should you be wondering from where to get the gumption to proceed despite any occurring “unpalatable resistance” – and because I have noticed that you like it all mapped out before going ahead to then try it experientially – this might give you the answer –

Alan: So, yes, altruism can be the only motive. ‘I’ do this for the benefit of my fellow human beings, or ‘I’ do this not at all. The only question which remains – do ‘I’ have the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed?
Richard: No … because *no one has ‘the necessary intestinal fortitude to proceed’ before they proceed: it comes in sufficient quality, and only as required by the circumstances, as one proceeds*. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Alan, 28 Jan 2001).

Kuba: The writing points to the fact that one does not need to have it mapped out or to garner the courage in advance, as the intestinal fortitude required is provided as/when one proceeds, which is exactly what I arrived at.

The quote continues (what you left out) –

Richard: The question is: what is preventing ‘me’ from proceeding? (Richard, AF List, Alan, 28 Jan 2001).

Kuba: Furthermore I had no map or plan come out of this contemplation, it was actually the opposite, that this is not required, that all ‘I’ do is proceed.

Perhaps it is not “intestinal fortitude” but certainly pure intent and daring to care, which will aid you finding out exactly which objection ‘you’ have, at the core of your ‘being’, to achieve your destiny … or, in your own words –

Kuba: … I was playing around in a paddling pool and thinking myself to be falling off the cliff. (link)

Kuba: I will leave the other bits about the heebie-jeebies as those are indeed messy.

Ok.

Kuba: [Edit:] Vineeto, I wonder did it perhaps look to you like I was trying to invoke some altered state of consciousness (much like the shock experienced during the arm break) in order to be invulnerable en route to extinction? If it’s anything like this then I am almost completely certain that this is not the case, the “almost” is only because I am still a feeling being. (link)

It certainly looked as if you were creating the illusion that you would be “invulnerable” with comparing ‘self’-immolation to “thinking about physical death or serious injury”, and the shonky logic “about the heebie-jeebies” confirmed that same illusion.

I am confident you will find a way, with pure intent and in your own pace, towards proceeding to your destiny.

Cheers Vineeto

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Hi Vineeto,

Ah I see it now thank you! It is a diversion to contemplate about physical death or injury when it is the extinction of ‘being’ which is required. That’s quite weird, cunning in fact, that to ‘me’ ‘I’ find it easier to stomach a contemplation about the death/injury of the body rather than to face the prospect of the extinction of ‘my’ being in toto. So really those contemplations about physical death or injury is just more of playing around in the paddling pool. OK enough said I think I get it now, I will commence some “untangling” first and see what happens then, thank you again.

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Hi Vineeto,

When I look at my experiencing these days and also of what is mentioned in my reports. I notice that pure intent rarely features.

Geoffrey wrote after becoming actually free :

Geoffrey: If I was to put any ‘conditions’ on it (I’m not) it would have to do with knowing what you’re aiming for and going for it (once you know, there is no choice). And for me this required numerous PCEs, and a solid connexion to Pure Intent.

I am wondering if the connection to pure intent is the critical component which is missing.

To get more specific on my experiencing these days :

On the lower end there is this experiencing of the world being like a shimmering jewel, then on the upper end of that it transforms into something like the world becoming enchanted, with this deep magical quality.

But I would not say that pure intent is there in those experiences! That sweetness/tenderness aspect is not experientially present.

I do have a very solid memory of pure intent etched into my memory, I wrote about it recently :

Kuba: Since the other day it has happened a few times that I experienced the sweetness of pure intent and following in that direction there were glimpses of the actual world, where there is only that pure intent, everywhere all at once.

That “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” has a sweetness to it (the sweetness being ‘my’ closest approximation to that “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” itself) whereas those experiences of the world being a shimmering jewel / magically enchanted lack this component, they are simply wondrous but not in that destinal way.

In fact I would go as far to say that those magical experiences are only for me, whereas the sweetness of pure intent is as if whispering “this is for everybody”.

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Ah I understand now why Richard wrote that these days a connection to pure intent will do the trick nicely.

It is because pure intent is nowadays accessible (by virtue of having been personified) for any feeling being to form a connection to, this connection is experienced as a sweetness/tenderness pulling one forward towards extinction.

Whereas when pure intent was accessible only during a PCE - and as one cannot self-immolate from a PCE - then to proceeded entailed navigating the various walls of fear and mountains of dread.

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Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Ah I see it now thank you! It is a diversion to contemplate about physical death or injury when it is the extinction of ‘being’ which is required. That’s quite weird, cunning in fact, that to ‘me’ ‘I’ find it easier to stomach a contemplation about the death/injury of the body rather than to face the prospect of the extinction of ‘my’ being in toto. So really those contemplations about physical death or injury is just more of playing around in the paddling pool. OK enough said I think I get it now, I will commence some “untangling” first and see what happens then, thank you again. (link)

Hi Kuba,

I am pleased you could recognize the diversion, and on top of it realize in hindsight the cunning of sending yourself on a merry-go-round for mere distraction. You can take that as a compliment in that your previous exploration, “this raw apprehension at the prospect of no longer ‘being’” with “a fascinated attention right into it, without moving (psychically)” came close to the bone, so to speak.

-

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,

>Vineeto: I am confident you will find a way, with pure intent and in your own pace, towards proceeding to your destiny.

Kuba: When I look at my experiencing these days and also of what is mentioned in my reports. I notice that pure intent rarely features.
Geoffrey wrote after becoming actually free :

>Geoffrey: If I was to put any ‘conditions’ on it (I’m not) it would have to do with knowing what you’re aiming for and going for it (once you know, there is no choice). And for me this required numerous PCEs, and a solid connexion to Pure Intent. (Geoffrey, Becoming Actually Free).

I am wondering if the connection to pure intent is the critical component which is missing.

Yes, now that you said it, it would appear so. I kept wondering when you were reporting great experiences of enjoying and appreciating being alive, and then suddenly get side-tracked into narratives, illusions (link) and other “loops” (link), which keep you busy for a while, what was missing. It is not so much the fact that you kept getting diverted (which is par for the course), I was more surprised how easily you bought into/ believed those illusory distraction, when I know that you have read substantial parts of the website and Richard’s journal.

Kuba: To get more specific on my experiencing these days :
On the lower end there is this experiencing of the world being like a shimmering jewel, then on the upper end of that it transforms into something like the world becoming enchanted, with this deep magical quality.
But I would not say that pure intent is there in those experiences! That sweetness/ tenderness aspect is not experientially present.

They could have been Excellent Experiences (link), and because you say below that “I would go as far to say that those magical experiences are only for me” they were perhaps classified/ remembered as ‘your’ achievement, not as an experience of the magicality of the purity and perfection of the universe. As Richard said –

Richard: Then, as one gazes intently at the world about by glancing lightly with sensuously caressing eyes, out of the corner of one’s eye comes – sweetly – the magical fairy-tale-like paradise that this verdant earth actually is … and one is the experiencing of what is happening.
But try not to possess it and make it your own … or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, Vineeto, 1 Dec 1998)

Kuba: I do have a very solid memory of pure intent etched into my memory, I wrote about it recently :

>Kuba: Since the other day it has happened a few times that I experienced the sweetness of pure intent and following in that direction there were glimpses of the actual world, where there is only that pure intent, everywhere all at once. (link)

That “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” has a sweetness to it (the sweetness being ‘my’ closest approximation to that “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” itself) whereas those experiences of the world being a shimmering jewel / magically enchanted lack this component, they are simply wondrous but not in that destinal way.
In fact I would go as far to say that those magical experiences are only for me, whereas the sweetness of pure intent is as if whispering “this is for everybody”. (link)

What excellent observation. You can now firmly activate pure intent via rememorating this sweetness (established by the golden clew from this very experience) and have the connection running continuously.

Richard: Incidentally, just before/ just as the PCE starts to wear off, if one unravels (metaphorically) a ‘golden thread’ or ‘clew’, as one is slipping back into the real-world, an intimate connection is thus established betwixt the pristine-purity of an actual innocence and the near-purity of the sincerity of naiveté.
At least, that is the way it worked for the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body, all those years ago, inasmuch ‘his’ recall of PCE’s was a naïve remembrance [i.e., rememoration & presentiation; see Message № 19775 (Richard, List D, No. 32a, 19 June 2015) for context], rather than a cognitive memory, and ‘he’ thus experienced a constant pull, each moment again, into the immaculate perfection of the actual world … and thus away from the contaminated imperfection of the real-world.
Being a ‘fatal attraction’, so to speak, it rendered the entire process virtually effortless. (Richard, List D, No. 13, 21 May 2009).

It will give you the perspicacity to be less gullible and recognize ‘furphies’, diversions, narratives when they appear on the horizon and, once pure intent is confidently established, allow you to safely let go of the controls and let life live itself (rather than ‘you’ trying in vain to live ‘your’ life perfectly).

-

Kuba: Ah I understand now why Richard wrote that these days a connection to pure intent will do the trick nicely.
It is because pure intent is nowadays accessible (by virtue of having been personified) for any feeling being to form a connection to, this connection is experienced as a sweetness/ tenderness pulling one forward towards extinction. Whereas when pure intent was accessible only during a PCE – and as one cannot self-immolate from a PCE – then to proceeded entailed navigating the various walls of fear and mountains of dread. (link)

Yes, my lived understanding is that pure intent personified is experienced as “sweetness/ tenderness” whilst before that pure intent was experienced as an over-arching benevolence and benignity. It is by favour of common human consciousness that this connection is now also experienced having the qualities of gentleness, tenderness, sweetness.

The constant connection to pure intent was always possible/ available but you still need to allow this intimate connection to pure intent to be established and then operate on an ongoing basis –

Richard: The reason why that ‘golden thread/ clew’ is oh-so-essential is because of agency inasmuch as, whilst identity is in the driver’s seat (i.e., is the agent), any such giving of permission to have the controls be let go of without same will result in said identity being an out of control agent in some ASC or another (bearing in mind the three primary psychoses – schizophrenia, mania, and depression – are also altered states) rather than in an out-from-control and/or different-way-of-being virtual freedom. (Richard, List D, Rick, 5 Feb 2014).

Cheers Vineeto

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Just referencing back to this, wouldn’t this experience have been with strong pure intent occurring @Kub933 ? Or you’re saying that it was pure intent then but it’s been lacking recently? Or that pure intent was lacking back then too?

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Hi Claudiu,

Yes so this is specifically why I drew the below distinction to my experiencing :

So from memory, I cannot remember the sweetness/tenderness of pure intent to feature much in those “out of this (real) world levels”, and neither do I recall that sense of pure intent as if whispering “this is for everybody”.

It was more along the lines of that shimmering jewel / magically enchanted quality reaching extraordinary levels. Like an excellence experience on steroids, and yet that aspect of the sweet pull towards ‘my’ demise, for the benefit not of ‘me’ but everybody, was not present.

In fact this is what I have been looking at today, and it is precisely that aspect of it being for the benefit of not ‘me’ but everybody, and the sweet pull of that, which has been generally missing throughout, seems like it anyways.

Whether there could be different flavours of how pure intent is experienced I am not sure, I mean pure intent has always been a notoriously tricky topic for feeling beings!

But I can say that the sweetness/tenderness aspect has for sure not been present, and that sense of doing it for far more than just myself. And allowing this flavour today, this “far more” is overwhelming in it’s scope.

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Hmm interestink, for me I always consider it to be an EE when the pure intent comes to the foreground rather than the background, and that’s what gives it the magical quality

And then the PCE is when the experience is at first like “Ah now there’s nothing between me and the purity!”, whereas even in the EE there was something ‘between’

In any case it sounds like you’re experientially familiar with something that is in the right direction and has been lacking, so I cannot see any reason why it would not be a good idea to go in that direction more :smile:

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Yes I was thinking today I actually find myself in quite a propitious position, because it seems like I have already tried most of the doors with the booby trap on the other side. So now the lack of choices left actually makes orientation a lot easier haha.

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Hi Vineeto,

I think there is something here you know. I had this thought pop up the other day, that I want my life to be lived like an art, and the best art does itself. I actually have quite solid experiential knowledge of this, because of the physical activities which I have been involved in all my life. And indeed it is like Richard described, that once the skills of the craft are acquired then ‘I’ can get out of the way and allow the thing to do itself.

For example in parkour I intimately knew that the ‘controller’ was a liability during the jumps as ‘he’ was always out of synch and a step behind, ‘he’ only interfered with the jumps doing themselves, and the body could do it with such incredible precision - the allowing of that was the biggest fun of it all! It’s just that I never quite had the naivete or the guts to extend this way of experiencing life beyond just those temporary moments.

And the same is with my BJJ practice now, when I am “rolling” the ‘thinker’ is not part of the equation, as ‘he’ is far too slow and out of synch. There is indeed thinking occurring, in fact the mind is firing on all cylinders to react and coordinate in split seconds.

So I do get it, that there is a way of experiencing life where ‘I’ voluntarily remove ‘myself’ from the equation, in order to allow that which is possible without ‘me’, which is a marvel to witness.

So not only do I know that such a way of experiencing life exists, I also thoroughly delight in the experience of it when it happens. In fact as a young boy I always wondered if it was possible to live life like those jumps did themselves, I wanted that!

And yet those magical experiences I mentioned about, indeed there is this sense that ‘I’ am a pivotal part of it all happening, that ‘I’ made it happen, what it means for ‘me’ etc. And there is a reluctance to give up that claim to it all.

But at the very core of it this makes no sense at all, because those experiences are only possible because of ‘my’ virtual absence. It is because ‘I’ have allowed life to happen of it’s own accord that the magicality of it all becomes apparent. How could ‘I’ possibly lay a claim to that which is possible due to ‘my’ absence?

So ‘I’ the controller am still reinserting ‘myself’ and laying claim to it all, rather than to marvel at what is possible when ‘I’ get out of the way.

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Hi Kuba,

I appreciate your honesty that “there is a reluctance to give up that claim to it all”.

However, the only “pivotal part” ‘you’ play – in this ultimate game of becoming actually free – is agreeing to get out of the way, permanently. Claiming the credit for something ‘you’ didn’t do is cheap subterfuge; there is no dignity to it at all.

Here is a wonderful story with a takeaway to imitate –

Richard: Many years ago, back when I was a normal bloke and making my living as a practising artist, a minor art gallery in a major city approached me with a proposition to stage a one-man exhibition of my idiosyncratic ceramic work – with the selection to be entirely of my own choice – complete with metropolis-wide advertising, an opening night with the usual razzamatazz (wine and cheese, etc.), invitations to various art-critics, quite liberal terms of commission, and a guaranteed-to-be-exclusive three-week run.
I was a big frog in a small provincial pond, at the time, and this was an opportunity to be a small frog in a large urban pond – to put one foot on the bottom rung of a potential ladder of national success – so the rather generous offer with its opportune entrée into the inner-city art establishment was readily accepted and a firm date was set for three months hence.
Without any thought at all it was obvious to me the exhibition would comprise entirely of fresh pieces – even though there was already more than enough high quality items at hand (which the art gallery had in mind) – as that way a cohesive body of work, with a yet to be discovered theme, would bring about the integrity necessary to carry the day.
Now, with ceramics there is normally a five-to-six week lead-in time (due to the process of making, carving, drying, first-firing, glazing, decorating, and second-firing) yet the days became weeks until, despite the frequent reminders and promptings of my then-wife, only three weeks remained before the big night.
And three weeks was the absolute minimum time-span; if the eighty-odd pieces were not formed today then the afore-mentioned hodgepodge stock-at-hand would have to be pressed into service.
Not that the art-gallery would mind, of course, but I would.
For most of the morning I wedged, kneaded and balled the highest quality (the most-aged and ripened) clay from my extensive stocks of hand-dug and hand-mixed local clays; it was one of those quite marvellous days of lightly overcast skies and a gentle, misty rain; there was no wind at all, not even the slightest zephyr of a breeze; the quietly gleaming hand-made copper kettle was sitting, steaming gently atop the cheery pot-bellied stove in my studio; music from a nowadays-superseded four-track cartridge player was piping through all its strategically placed speakers; the dank, swampy aroma of the well-matured clay was filling the nostrils as it began to bounce elastically beneath my well-practiced kneading hands; and soon all was well, within my world, as any and all stress from time-pressure softly ebbed away.
Settling myself onto my home-made pottery wheel, and kicking it into action, I swiftly and easily formed a few small throwaway pieces so as to get my hand in.
Then, without any further ado, I reached for the first of the eighty-odd different-sized balls of finely-prepared clay; dropping it onto the still slowing-turning wheel-head I kicked up the momentum of the heavy wheel beneath my feet; moistening my hands in the bowls of warm, muddy water to either side I then centred the clay ball and began throwing the first of the many individual pieces which would eventually comprise the whole.
Being well-dug, well-prepared, well-aged, well-wedged and well-kneaded, the clay, whilst supremely elastic, was taut and springy beneath the hands; there would be no slumping, no sagging, no bulging, just this easy pulling up to maximum height; just this graceful setting of bellied form; just this elegant rolling of lip; just this effortless forming of the base; just this ready pass of the cutting thread detaching it from the wheel-head; just this gentle placing of it on the ready-to-hand shelf-tray nearby; just this regular reaching for the next ball; just this easy kicking keeping the momentum rolling.
Upon placing the third or fourth newly-formed piece alongside its predecessors, and whilst reaching for the next ball, it is evident the clouds are clearing a trifle; the sun is shining fitfully through a gap onto the translucent full-height screens immediately to the front; some chickens are clucking and scratching around in the ground just beyond them; ducks are quacking and nosing into the mud of the small pond nearby; off in the near-distance the pigs are snorting and snuffling for roots; one of the goats is bleating; a couple of the geese are honking; and … and a by-now-familiar and oh-so-subtle shift is occurring in the brain-stem.
All-of-a-sudden there is a vast stillness – there is absolutely no movement of time – and in that perfect peace the piece of pottery is making itself.
The foot is kicking the massive wheel of its own accord; the hands are dipping themselves into the warm, muddy water; the eyes are eying the bellied form all on their own; the hands, one on the inside and the other on the outside just below the former, are gently coaxing the perfect shape without command (or is the perfect form gently coaxing the hands to its bidding); and the whole world – nay, the entire universe, itself – is a magical fairytale-like wonderland where nothing, but nothing, ever ultimately goes wrong.
*
And then, with the sun sinking spectacularly in the west behind banked clouds, the one-hundredth pot has made itself (so much for the planned eighty-odd) and the one-man exhibition is in the bag … guaranteed to be a fantastic success.
*
It is now three weeks later: all the pieces have been carved, dried, first-fired, glazed, decorated, second-fired, packed, transported, unpacked and selectively placed upon their pedestals in the major city art gallery.
It is opening night and the place is packed with peoples from many walks of life; all milling around, glasses in hand, seeing and being seen. Being the star of the show I am, accordingly, a trifle late in arriving (as is the fashion). With orange juice in hand I mix and mingle; a word or two here; a tilt of the head there; a small chat here; a wink and a grin there; a murmured response here; and all the while noticing those little red stickers appearing, first on this piece, then on that piece, more on those pieces, until almost every single piece is snapped-up.
It is shaping up to be a sell-out … and all on opening night!
The curator is tapping on his glass, calling for attention, and the speechifying begins; soon it is my turn to speak and every eye is turned toward me, every ear is listening to me, everybody’s rapt attention is directed towards the … well, towards the star of the show, of course.
But I am not the star of the show – the pieces made themselves, remember, back in that magical wonderland – and yet all of the accolades, all of the applause, all of the (yes) adulation, is centred solely upon me.
It was at that moment I understood something so profound it is permanently etched into the memory banks … to wit: I did not and could not value their collective/ individual opinions one iota, one jot, for they knew not of what they spoke.
And even if they were to be told, that the pieces magically made themselves, they would lavish praise for being so gifted/ so blessed/ so whatever.
Moreover, they did not, and would not ever, comprehend that the esteem they bestowed so lavishly slid straight off me like that proverbial water off a duck’s back … as, at that very moment, self-esteem and all its associated vanity and humility vanished out of my life forever, never to return, even unto this very day. (Richard, List D, Rick, #wonder-land-tale).

Isn’t this something that appeals to you?

Kuba: But at the very core of it this makes no sense at all, because those experiences are only possible because of ‘my’ virtual absence. It is because ‘I’ have allowed life to happen of its own accord that the magicality of it all becomes apparent. How could ‘I’ possibly lay a claim to that which is possible due to ‘my’ absence?
So ‘I’ the controller am still reinserting ‘myself’ and laying claim to it all, rather than to marvel at what is possible when ‘I’ get out of the way. (link)

Yes. And the expression ‘I’ “am still reinserting ‘myself’” is not quite accurate because so far you have shown no intent to not reinsert yourself. You have become so apt to temporarily get out of the way to then be able to claim the credit for what was achieved when ‘you’ were absent. Hence “’I’ the controller” became more powerful with each temporary absence. It is fortunate you avoided a more serious condition with this scheme of ‘self’-exaltation – as Richard said about his own experience –

Richard: I found out where I had been going wrong for eleven years … self-aggrandisement is so seductive. (Richard, AF List, No. 16, 8 Jan 2001).

It was three days ago when it dawned on you that there could be another way –

Kuba: I am wondering if the connection to pure intent is the critical component which is missing. (link)

Isn’t it time you start sincerely looking for pure intent and forge a lasting/ongoing connection via the golden clew to your genuine PCE (before ‘you’ reinserted yourself)? Here are the instructions again –

Richard: Incidentally, just before/ just as the PCE starts to wear off, if one unravels (metaphorically) a ‘golden thread’ or ‘clew’, as one is slipping back into the real-world, an intimate connection is thus established betwixt the pristine-purity of an actual innocence and the near-purity of the sincerity of naiveté.
At least, that is the way it worked for the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body, all those years ago, inasmuch ‘his’ recall of PCE’s was a naïve remembrance [i.e., rememoration & presentiation; see Message № 19775 (Richard, List D, No. 32a, 19 June 2015) for context], rather than a cognitive memory, and ‘he’ thus experienced a constant pull, each moment again, into the immaculate perfection of the actual world … and thus away from the contaminated imperfection of the real-world.
Being a ‘fatal attraction’, so to speak, it rendered the entire process virtually effortless. (Richard, List D, No. 13, 21 May 2009).

I know some intent is there somewhere but only as a potential in the background and not yet your number one priority else we wouldn’t have all these conversations which you summed up nicely –

Kuba: “… I have already tried most of the doors with the booby trap on the other side. So now the lack of choices left actually makes orientation a lot easier haha” (link).

It is not just the “orientation” you need; you are looking for the courage (and its accompanying thrill) to succeed this time around –

Richard: Yes, one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before … so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in. Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord …one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.
One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny. (Richard, List B, No. 19d, 3 April 2000)

Cheers Vineeto

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