Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your reply, I appreciate all that you do to offer assistance. [my quotes function is being a bit iffy]
Vineeto: “Unless one takes fully on board, that ‘I’ have to die in ‘my’ entirety you are liable to jump from “illusion to illusion”, every one more ‘real’ than the previous. “That self-immolation is” not “when those boundaries which give ‘me’ ‘my’ very real existence are dissolved” because ‘you’ have not yet given permission for that to happen. “Those boundaries” do not dissolve of their own accord, the instinct for ‘self’-preservation is too strong. The passion for individual survival is surpassed only by the passion for species survival – hence altruism is essential. Even though you say you “experienced this as 2 completely different things” both alternatives were illusions.”
OK well that is settled now. Jumping from illusion to illusion, every one more ‘real’ than the previous is a good way to put it haha. The main point being though that any projection of what self-immolation looks like or what actual freedom looks like must necessarily be a conconction of ‘mine’. And ‘I’ am pretty good at this it seems! It is quite cunning how it happens really, because there are various glimpses of what exists outside of ‘me’ (such as the magical moment I described), which when they happen it is not ‘me’ looking, and yet once ‘I’ return ‘I’ appropriate those experiences and weave an illusory path out of them, from illusion to illusion exactly…
Vineeto: “I am not saying this to scare you but to point out a way out of those obviously persistent illusions that you can take your ‘self’ with you into an actual freedom through some “porous boundaries”.”
Yes well, I don’t experience dread when reading those descriptions, it could be 2 ways here though - because extinction is what ‘I’ long for OR that ‘I’ have made some protection for ‘myself’ from all those illusory concoctions. Actually I think it is both! Contemplating all this yesterday I heard (imagined) Richard’s voice saying - “What price to end suffering hey?” I think this sums up well how ‘I’ experience all this.
Which is to say that it seems to me by all means that ‘I’ am no longer deterred from proceeding, this is what ‘I’ want, and I know this is the case because I have not experienced any of that “unpalatable resistance” in the past few weeks. but it seems ‘I’ have all those ‘loops’ that ‘I’ can go round in, ways to put off what must happen / what ‘I’ want to happen.
But as not to set off on another illusory adventure and to tie it back to your previous post. The quote you included - “the sheer (f)actuality of the universe is what eventually does ‘you’ in”… I understand that ‘I’ as the ‘do-er’ cannot make it happen, ‘I’ cannot manufacture a genuine reason to die either. So it is allowing that which is outside of ‘me’ which eventually does ‘me’ in.