Kub933's Journal

[Vineeto]

@Kub933

@Vineeto

I re-read the paragraph you mentioned (Global Warming) but I couldn’t find the connection. Out of curiosity, could you explain it to me?

Oh there was no connection to the main thrust of our discussion, it was more a side point, that I found it quite amazing that you were able to articulate what you did in your reply to me, it would have my head spinning to try to put it into words. Because it not only takes that you understand from ‘my’ descriptions what is going on but then you are able to relate it back in a way that makes sense. Basically not something that a person with impaired cognitive faculties would be capable of doing. I guess just the clarity of it all stood out to me.

I do personally find that with ‘me’ more out of the way the brain is able to operate with much more clarity. I notice this when I try to speak polish, because I left Poland 20 years ago and don’t speak the language almost ever, except when I visit family etc. And I noticed that in those periods when ‘I’ am virtually out of the way my polish is rather crisp! and then when ‘I’ am back muddling things up it gets very broken again haha.

Hi Kuba,

Ah, I understand now. You were reminded of yourself being similarly ‘muddled’ as the commentator once was in the ‘Global Warming’ thread. It is always astounding – and ‘Vineeto’ experienced it regularly – how the moment a feeling takes hold, any clear thinking goes out the window. Hence the suggestion to get back to feeling good before contemplating about the trigger which had caused a diminishment in enjoying and appreciating being alive.

-

Vineeto: Yes, when you have fully grasped “the totality and irrevocability of ‘my’ demise” there will be no doubts left. No phoenix can rise from the ashes – there won’t be any ashes.
I read Srinath becoming-free-report again and this part stood out –

Srinath: That night I stood in the balcony knowing that something was required to convince me to let go of the controls. I kept thinking about that last piece of pizza that was me and what the reason could there be to ‘die’? It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance. I had to ‘die’ so that this body and every other body could live peacefully. I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away. Suddenly I felt a twinge of sadness that emerged from me like a thin pungent streak. But it cut-off abruptly as if in mid-air, still-born.
Nothing else happened.
It was all over in about 2 seconds. (Srinath Report of Becoming Free)

Kuba: Hmm it’s quite fascinating, it seems to me that I have had glimpses of this, especially the past week or so there has been times with that kind of experiencing, where it seems it could have happened at any moment. BUT there was always this sense of choice, that I could go this way or that way, rather than it being an inevitability, which I presume is where the enormity of it can be fully grasped.

Ha, don’t postpone the exploring the enormity of the fact that you will need to cease ‘being’ in your totality because at present you don’t experience “it being an inevitability”. Again, it is in your hands how much you allow ‘self’-immolation to become an obsession as Srinath described it well in the lead-up to his own event –

Srinath: I was getting more and more obsessed with my ending. I was like an excited kid with a new video game! Self-immolation was the first thing I thought about in the morning and the last thing at night. I began to feel ever more strongly that I was on the brink of something. I was revving up my desire and then revving it up some more to paraphrase Richard. On the 29/10/18 I had a spectacular and very vivid dream that I had become actually free. I woke up in bed at 3am right after and felt clear and wondrous, with no trace of ‘me’ that I could discern. In retrospect this was obviously a PCE but I wanted to be free so badly I ended up twisting it into an ASC. I thought maybe this could be the first ever case of someone self-immolating in a dream… I mean who’s to say! Lol. I had been here before though and smelled a rat. I was able to get myself out of it quickly. Rather than dissuade me, I took the dream as a good omen. It seemed that my entire psyche was in alignment with the goal. It fuelled my determination even more. I resolved to bust through any number of false doors if need be, until I found the genuine one-way door marked self-immolation.
I spend the days prior to the event, wondering about self-immolation constantly and this preoccupation brought about a change to the atmosphere around me. I was constantly in a state of excellence, but there was also this sense of imminence of what was about to happen and that was very thrilling. I really want to keep ‘me’ in my sights at all times. I didn’t need any more PCE’s. I had more than enough of these. No wriggling out and trying to buy time. Richard had said that I needed to want it like nothing before. (Srinath Report of Becoming Free)

Kuba: The words “it could happen” means that ‘I’ still have a choice, some wiggle room, and where there is wiggle room, ‘I’ wiggle out!
Reading Srinath’s words, ‘he’ had no choice at that pivotal moment of seeing – “I would need to truly die. The enormity of this dawned on me suddenly like it never had before. The enormity of what I had to give up. It took my breath away.”

You do realise, do you, that Srinath had no choice because he gave himself no longer a choice? He wanted it so totally (“I wanted to be free so badly”) that there was no question of backing out again, and even a PCE-come-ASC could not divert him from his destiny.

It seems to me that unless you put all your eggs in one basket and thus increase the intensity of wanting it like you never ever wanted anything before, you’ll be dilly-dallying until your hair go grey.

Kuba: Indeed it looks that for altruism to be activated there can be no choice left for ‘me’, only the seeing which triggers “immediate and irrevocable action”.
It is as if ‘I’ have been progressively removing the various choices, that is the very aspect of approaching ‘my’ destiny, but there is still currently some wiggle room left, and so ‘I’ can go on for a little longer. (link)

It sounds like you are merely theorizing when you say “it looks that” and “it is as if” and that you have not yet fully engaged in finding the definite answer. This was the question ‘Richard’ asked ‘himself’ back in 1981 – it gave ‘him’ the courage and stamina and persistence to go all the way –

Alan: Am ‘I’ really willing to sacrifice ‘my’ self to allow this to happen?
Richard: The question that the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body back in 1981 asked was: ‘what am I saving myself for’?
Alan: And yet, ‘I’ know it is inevitable, if I am to fulfil my destiny.
Richard: Aye, to escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny is what one is alive for: being here – now – is the very reason one was born.
Alan: As you said in one of your posts (approximately), it is an irresistible pull, a momentum and impetus which is not of ‘my’ doing.
Richard: Yes, once altruistically set in motion, a momentum happens of its own accord. One knows, from the perfection of freedom from the human condition as evidenced in the PCE, that it is possible to live the actuality which is already always here.
What ‘I’ do is unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur … pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude.
And once embarked upon the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, you are not on your own: this perfection is with you all the way … but if you waver, you are indeed doing it on your own …’. [Emphases added]. (Richard, AF List, Alan-b, 13 Dec 1999).

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

I understand what you are saying, of putting all eggs in one basket and going for it. However what I have been particularly cognisant of the past 6 months or so is not falling into the same trap where I did in the past. Whatever that place was I do not want to land there again, and back then no amount of pushing did the trick, it only created more imaginary worlds and more unpalatable resistance. So the past 6 months or so I would describe what I have been doing as consistently inching forward, taking small but genuine steps towards evincing my destiny. My motion forward has been more meticulous and less fanatical.

In that sense so far things have actually been going great, in that there is no longer this unpalatable resistance and I am no longer entertaining illusions, well as far as it goes haha. And progressively the various obstacles to enjoyment and appreciation are also falling by the wayside. For example I notice that this feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” is now taking its leave, it no longer has anything to hold it in place.

So it has been very much a case of applying the in the meantime method and slowly inching forward, then from the new vantage point looking again at the possibility of self-immolation to see what I can make of it, and and then inching some more if I am not yet ready. Which I see what you are saying, I could do this sort of motion for ever, and yet trying to skip ahead has been a disaster in the past. So I guess what I am trying to say is that my total concern lately has been in making sure that whatever motion forward happens is genuine motion and not a facade, this has been the priority.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
I understand what you are saying, of putting all eggs in one basket and going for it. However what I have been particularly cognisant of the past 6 months or so is not falling into the same trap where I did in the past. Whatever that place was I do not want to land there again, and back then no amount of pushing did the trick, it only created more imaginary worlds and more unpalatable resistance. So the past 6 months or so I would describe what I have been doing as consistently inching forward, taking small but genuine steps towards evincing my destiny. My motion forward has been more meticulous and less fanatical.

Hi Kuba,

Thank you for your report of “small but genuine steps”. As such my suggestion of “putting all eggs in one basket” was premature. Only you can know what pace is the best way forward for you. For instance, I am reminded of Srinath saying –

Srinath: Initially I tried too much to force myself via the format that Vineeto, No. 15 (D) and Geoffrey used in their reports. Even though those early efforts failed, doing so made me realise what was lacking. I realised that I would have to do it my own way. Others’ maps were all well and good but I had to blaze my own trail and it would have to come authentically from my own experience. I decided I would gather everything together experientially while focussing on the end: taking my time, rather than forcing it. In hindsight I was inching closer, but it was really hard to know this back then. (Becoming Free Reports, Srinath).

Here is what Geoffrey reported regarding the weeks leading up to the event –

[Questioner 5]: … Can you tell me what things were like in the weeks or months before, before you decided to allow pure intent to be dynamically operative and self-immolation to occur? e.g. was there a gradual build-up? were you engaged with the question of self-immolation, having regular PCE’s or maybe not really doing much?
Geoffrey: That is another one where I have to say again that this is not advice, but only my report. Anyone’s way is going to be different.
Here is what I posted here on the 4th of September, when coming back from a few months ‘away’:

“Well, I felt like I was hitting a wall again and again regarding going further towards self-immolation. I knew it had something to do with ‘trying’ to much, or ‘doing’ too much. That I was, in my ‘adventures’, stuck inside ‘me’, that it was all (but PCEs and Pure intent) inside ‘my’ realm, whatever I was doing.
So I decided I needed a holiday from ‘doing’, from ‘trying’. There must have been some actualist morality in my endeavours, and some cunning, that kept me inside ‘me’ while faking ‘progress’ towards the end of ‘me’.
So I closed Slack [actualism discussion forum] and went on with my life. Not ‘pushing’ towards anything. I found out I enjoyed and appreciated, without it being something I was ‘supposed’ to do. I had EEs here and there, quite a few realizations. And it was all much more easy and peaceful, ‘natural’ somehow, without the ‘pressure’ I was putting on myself to ‘perform’ actualism-wise.
No PCEs though… until a few days ago. This PCE got me back here. And back on track towards self-immolation.”

What I would add now, in hindsight, is what I’d done in those months was getting rid of excessive ‘luggage’, and keeping nothing but the memory of the PCE and pure intent, but not as something I was supposed to do as an actualist, not as an ‘accessory’ to the goal of self-immolating, but as something that was ‘naturally’ in my mind, like the air I breathed.
Then that spontaneous PCE occurred, and I was ready. (Becoming Free Reports, Geoffrey, Answer to Q5)

For what it’s worth, feeling being ‘Vineeto’ had a long period of hesitation to get-out-from-under-control[1] being concerned ‘she’ would inadvertently become enlightened instead – because at the time there was no precedent of how the Direct Route would unfold.
[1] a long period of hesitation: that is until the 1^st convivium meeting where Richard “impressed” upon ‘her’ the necessity of being out-from-control –

RICHARD: No, it was no coincidence that I impressed upon Vineeto the necessity of being out-from-control/ in a different-way-of being (which was most unusual of me to do so) but it was only with the benefit of hindsight, of course, that it was specifically because of Devika’s/ Irene’s death that all what thereafter ensued came about.
‘Tis amazing how quick its effect was … within the very hour. (Richard, List D, No. 25, 6 February 2012).

I agree with Geoffrey that “anyone’s way is going to be different” or is experienced to be different, when approaching ‘self’-immolation. In hindsight they are very similar – “it is over in seconds”.

One can compare it to the process from craft to art –

Richard: It all started over 20 years ago when the ‘I’ who was made a living as an artist … ‘my’ greatest work came when ‘I’ disappeared and the painting painted itself in what is sometimes known as an ‘aesthetic experience’. This is the difference between art and craft – and ‘I’ was very good as a craftsman – but craft became art only when ‘I’ was not present. All art is initially a representation and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creating art – wherein the painting paints itself – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation during the event. It is its own actuality. One can only stand in amazement and wonder – which is not to negate the very essential patiently acquired skills and expertise – and this marvelling is what was experienced back when I was a normal person. (Richard, AF List, No. 10, 20 May 2000).

Kuba: In that sense so far things have actually been going great, in that there is no longer this unpalatable resistance and I am no longer entertaining illusions, well as far as it goes haha. And progressively the various obstacles to enjoyment and appreciation are also falling by the wayside. For example I notice that this feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” is now taking its leave, it no longer has anything to hold it in place.
So it has been very much a case of applying the in the meantime method and slowly inching forward, then from the new vantage point looking again at the possibility of self-immolation to see what I can make of it, and then inching some more if I am not yet ready. Which I see what you are saying, I could do this sort of motion for ever, and yet trying to skip ahead has been a disaster in the past. So I guess what I am trying to say is that my total concern lately has been in making sure that whatever motion forward happens is genuine motion and not a facade, this has been the priority. (link)

I appreciate your diligence – only you can know when you are ready – and when you are genuinely ready it will be too late to stop it.

Cheers Vineeto

[claudiu]

Hi Kuba,

Just to point out that Vineeto’s latest messages were written no doubt because of your post 7 days ago:

@Kub933

If I have ever been close then this is it! The past couple of days there has definitely been a thrilling momentum not of ‘my’ doing. What is different this time around is that the destination which I am being pulled towards is right under my nose, here on earth. This is so much more down to earth than what was going on in the past.

Now you are writing the very different-looking:

@Kub933

Hi Vineeto,

I understand what you are saying, of putting all eggs in one basket and going for it. However what I have been particularly cognisant of the past 6 months or so is not falling into the same trap where I did in the past. Whatever that place was I do not want to land there again, and back then no amount of pushing did the trick, it only created more imaginary worlds and more unpalatable resistance. So the past 6 months or so I would describe what I have been doing as consistently inching forward, taking small but genuine steps towards evincing my destiny. My motion forward has been more meticulous and less fanatical.

Although I’m sure it’s true that the past 6 months for you has been small steps forward — the message from 7 days ago (and a few messages after) did give the impression of being something totally different.

I suppose the question is: what happened 7 days ago, was that the real deal of the next-level type of momentum, or no?

And if it was: what caused it to stop?

And if it was: Vineeto’s posting seems to be more about encouraging you to go back to that real deal place 7 days ago, and not of course falling into the same traps.

This is also not to encourage you to fall to same traps or do something you aren’t ready for. I just noticed a disconnect of your self report here for last 6 months vs what happened just a week ago, and wanted to float that up. Either way you will learn something valuable

Cheers,
Claudiu

[Kub933]

Hi Claudiu,

Yes I can certainly see why Vineeto would write what she did given what I described. I think all I can say is that nothing will happen without ‘my’ full concurrence, that is clear. And so how I experience it is that I am indeed consistently chipping away and then every now and then (such as 7 days ago) a big chunk will fall off and then I find myself in new and unprecedented territory (for me). And then some time down the line when the dust settles I notice - from this new territory - that not all of ‘me’ is on board, yet.

And following my nose I know that were I to push from this place it would only be another facade or more forcing, so instead I allow whatever parts of ‘me’ which cannot yet give full concurrence to surface naturally and gently attend to those. And in that sense what has happened since that post 7 days ago I experience to be still proceeding in the right direction, I could not say that anything has been derailed or that I have turned around etc.

In short I am no longer willing to wander off the wide and wondrous path because my apparent location on some overall map says I should, only to get stuck in the “woods nearby” again. I have done enough of that already, it would be silly of me to do that in fact. Equally I am no longer able to believe that throwing a “Hail Mary” will accomplish anything productive. I appreciate that Vineeto’s suggestion to “put all eggs in one basket” is neither about following a map nor throwing a Hail Mary, but what it is suggesting I cannot sincerely carry out right now.

Which the above has now nicely segued into what I wanted to reply to Vineeto’s post…

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you for sharing those quotes, I found them very spot on. Srinath’s description of having to find his own way without forcing or following in others maps and Geoffrey’s descriptions of ceasing to engage in the ‘adventures’ in ‘his’ territory and of shedding the ‘luggage’. This is very much what I am trying to describe when I say the focus has been on taking only genuine steps. And indeed I find that a lot of ‘actualist luggage’ has been left behind now. There was the belief in authority, there was the following of maps, there was the throwing of Hail Marys. And now that I have gone down those routes and found them to be a dead end I am only left at proceeding in a way that is sincere, I don’t think I could engage in those things now even if I wanted to. And now I find all I can do is slowly but surely gather all of ‘me’ whilst keeping ‘my’ sights on the end goal. Well it’s not like the “slowly” is a condition now, sometimes a big step will happen all of a sudden, but ‘I’ can’t force it.

[Kub933]

There is a couple of notable things which have changed the past few days. Firstly it looks like those “fake immolation attempts” launched by the 'controller’ are no more. I wrote recently how each time I would (seemingly) come close, there would be this dramatic surge of affective energy, which it would actually derail the process of continuing to get closer. The other day I experienced myself in the same place, of coming close, exactly where the “fake immolation” would usually take place, this time though instead of taking that fork in the road (towards the dead end) I simply kept the channel open and proceeded down the same path uninterrupted. And since then it seems like ‘I’ am done with those now.

The other thing, this is in particular since last evening, is something that I can’t put down, which is this experiencing which is constantly creeping up on me, which shows that everything is already perfect, as Richard wrote that humans are all unwittingly already living in perfection. I can’t put it down because it seems such a waste, to waste even a single moment when all is already perfect, and that this is simply how things are. It reminds me of what I wrote maybe a year ago, that it was as if a word that I just couldn’t quite get to roll of the tongue, or now I could say it’s an itch that I can’t quite find the location of This seeing though is so undeniable, so actual, that this how life actually is… It has got me off my backside for sure.

[Kub933]

Things have been going very wonderfully lately, it’s been a few days like this now and it continues on. The quality of the enjoyment and appreciation is different than before, barely distinguishable from a PCE is an apt description, in fact I only seem to be able to describe it in terms of physical experiencing. Technically there is affect going on but ‘I’ am so thin that actually most of the awareness rests on delighting at being here, as a flesh and blood body I want to say although it’s not quite that, it’s just very very close to that. I was having a chat with Sonya and my brother last night and I was surprised how utterly at ease I was, and how I found myself simply interested in what my brother had to say, what has been going on for him etc. It’s quite difficult to explain exactly what this change is but living like this is what I have always wanted. And then at some times yesterday it would go from this into glimpses of where it is all heading, and my response has been the same every time, that this is what I have always wanted. Vineeto’s advice from a while back has been on my mind a lot, that ‘my’ disappearance is not doable but rather be-able and I have been proceeding exactly in this manner, to let this process unfold.

Then at other times there would be some turbulence, but this time around I find myself in a place that this is no longer such an issue like it was in the past. I have been able to let this turbulence do its thing and then get back to this wondrous experiencing shortly after. Actually in the past this turbulence would always convince the ‘controller’ to step back in and find the next problem to solve, whereas this time around I have been able to see the play for what it is and decline to engage in that manner. Again what Vineeto said to me back then has been on my mind, which is that she was surprised how gullible I was being, and indeed this is what it looks like to me now, that this turbulence would convince the ‘controller’ to step back in and I would fall for it every time, but now I am not falling for it anymore haha.

But actually there has only been 1 bout of this turbulence so far, which was last night, which is interesting in itself. Basically I have had numerous tests run on me the past couple of years about these heart palpitations which I sometimes get, all tests have come back to say my heart and blood work etc is absolutely fine, which now has me wondering (with a generous pinch of salt) whereas these are simply physical symptoms of ‘my’ approaching demise. Anyways all doctors said the same, that these palpitations, when they happen, they are completely safe, so there is no worry about any actual danger.

All in all I have never found myself so effortlessly happy and harmless and it is all so right, so correct, living like this. I am kind of in two minds about posting this, wary to potentially invite the ‘controller’ back into the picture and yet I wanted to share this so here we are .

Looking back as well I see that the me that I am now is nothing like the me that was in the (even recent) past, it’s a qualitative change in terms of how life is experienced, I could say that virtually I am only here now where this moment is happening, I don’t find myself to exist across the past-present-future like I did in the past, with the “virtually” qualifier definitely applied though.

Oh and another thing! Perhaps part of / the reason for what changed recently, interestingly enough this is how ‘Vineeto’ stepped out from control. Which is that I dared to fully enjoy sex and sexuality, and since then it’s like something opened up, this doorway to a totally naive enjoyment of life. Now knowing that I can fully enjoy sex and sexuality I have nothing else that could possibly be missing. The thing that I realised is that under the guise of ‘actualist morality’ I had been repressing my sex drive, and the other day I remembered something that Richard wrote under the correspondence on sex, that one starts where one is, which as a feeling being it is to ‘be’ that sex drive and thus enter the ‘sexual dimension’ that way, then of course there is the possibility of actuality peeking through.

Selected Correspondence: Sex

Richard: That sexual dimension – a sexual world, so to speak, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls; where there is only this beginningless and endless moment; where you both cannot ever possibly have enough of each other; where you cannot tell where the penis ends and the vagina begins/ where the vagina ends and the penis begins; where the distinction betwixt you and her/ betwixt you and him is as if non-existent – is indeed a dimension in which all the affective energy is directed towards the sex drive (or, rather, there is only that sex drive).

(As I have already said, in another context, starting from where you are at is always the best place to start from … as to pretend that ‘you’ are not a sexual ‘being’, at root, is to deny ‘your’ very nature).

[claudiu]

Hi Kuba,

Sounds truly wonderful – there’s palpable felicitous and ehh pure (?) currents, or something at least, some ambiance, that I perceive from reading what you write here.

One question, you wrote:

@Kub933

Looking back as well I see that the me that I am now is nothing like the me that was in the (even recent) past, it’s a qualitative change in terms of how life is experienced, I could say that virtually I am only here now where this moment is happening, I don’t find myself to exist across the past-present-future like I did in the past, with the “virtually” qualifier definitely applied though.

Is how you are now also qualitatively different than the “inklings of what that is like” that you experienced in the recent past? e.g.:

@Kub933

So I have been looking at what is standing in the way of allowing naïveté fully - a different way of being, with the doer abeyant and the beer ascendant. I get inklings of what that is like, to live it, I do experience glimpses of what it is about. I tend to dip my toes in, have a very wonderful time for the duration and then find something (anything) that apparently warrants for my control to come back into the picture. Then some time down the line when I have had enough of carrying that burden I then reconsider again…

Not how you were when writing that of course, but of those dipping-toes-in and having a “very wonderful time for the duration”

It’s not just an intellectual curiosity but a vitally interested one

Cheers,
Claudiu

[Kub933]

Hi Claudiu,

Yes how I find myself now is different than the inklings I was getting when dipping the toes in. To use a metaphor of the cave, before it was as if I was inside the cave but near the exit, and the dipping-toes-in would be periodically stepping out to where the sun was shining and the birds were singing and then either actively scurrying back inside or somehow finding myself teleported back inside, never far from the exit though.

Whereas now it is as if I have been teleported to the outside of the cave, where I reside, although the entrance is still right there behind me, hence the “virtual” qualifier. And I can look to where ‘my’ life was in the cave but now from a different vantage point.

So the point I am trying to make is that looking from inside-out even those temporary outings were inevitably tinted by the reference points of the ‘cave life’. Whereas now looking outside-in it is different, overall I find it is way more coherent…How I experience myself mostly is that I am naturally inclined towards enjoying and appreciating, with some occasional turbulence going on in the back-pocket. And I can say that this inclination towards enjoying and appreciating is because my reference points now rest on the actual side and no longer the cave side. So (virtually) being here where this moment is happening makes it (virtually) automatic to have enjoyment and appreciation as a (virtually) fundamental modus operandi, and same happens with caring and consideration… Virtually . Which the above is exactly what is behind me saying that it is so right, so correct, to live like this.

So for example when I get home now and I find myself genuinely happy to see Sonya or genuinely happy to chat to my brother about what he has been up to etc It comes naturally because we are all actually here doing this business called being alive, this is what makes it precious.

[Kub933]

@Kub933

Whereas now it is as if I have been teleported to the outside of the cave, where I reside, although the entrance is still right there behind me, hence the “virtual” qualifier. And I can look to where ‘my’ life was in the cave but now from a different vantage point.

So I have been looking at what is left of those outlines of ‘me’. The other day I started to experience glimpses of the blessed anonymity which ensues after ‘my’ demise. It has clicked since then, that whatever ‘dirt’ remains in ‘my’ life is exactly because of those outlines of ‘me’, as in there cannot be actual freedom as long as ‘I’ remain in existence, it is ‘my’ total extinction which is the way to an actual freedom.

Last night after I finished teaching BJJ I got in my car and again I was pulled towards this experiencing - of the blessed anonymity / extinction which lay ahead - but it was more this time, there was the experience of a vast stillness, that when ‘I’ disappear this stillness is what is left behind, it is where this body exists, securely locked into the stillness. There was no fear at all, actually there hasn’t been fear in general, just the surety that this is what I want and that now is the time. When those experiences happen, it is very much like ‘I’ cannot do anything to swing it this way or that way, ‘I’ only find that ‘I’ am in agreement and that the channel is kept open.

What a fascinating time altogether! Not dramatic in any way like it was in the past and it brings me such delight to write this, because I remember what it was like when I had my mouth full of various Heebie-jeebies .

[Kub933]

So… Things have now progressed to completely out of this (real) world levels. I can’t even describe what is going on, the closest I could say - although this is a problematic comparison - would be that it is as if I am on recreational drugs, just all the time I can only conclude at this point that this is, finally, a bona fide out from control virtual freedom.

The momentum has continued on uninterrupted and has only been mounting to more, and continually pulling in the same direction. Although ‘I’ do cloud things here and there, but the momentum continues on regardless…

The way the momentum has continued on, if it is to continue further (and I do not see any indication that it could stop) there is only 1 place where this will end up.

I have been looking, constantly, on what other corner of ‘me’ could be not on board yet and I cannot find anything. In fact I know now that I have thrown everything, including the kitchen sink, at the goal of arriving at my destiny.

There has been so many fascinating insights, both into the human condition as well as what exists when it is eradicated but there is too much going on for me to be able to place them into a neat box and describe them.

It just has been utterly fascinating, and now since today it has become electrifying, with the whole body tingling, and nothing anymore to block this potency, it’s as if there is a constantly growing and free flowing charge in the body and in the air around me.

[Kub933]

So although no actual freedom yet, things have been utterly wonderful, every day. I have been having the time of my life, living like I didn’t know was possible, maybe as a small child it was something like this. Since a couple of weeks ago it’s like I passed through a threshold and since then it has been impossible to go back to how it was before. I have been surprised over and over at how the connection to the perfection and purity maintains itself, now I take it for granted that it continues. ‘I’ can temporarily cloud things but the connection cannot be severed, I thought many times it would, but it cannot! It’s more that there is nothing that ‘I’ could even go back to anymore… It’s such a delightful place to be in, I do not live in reality anymore, and there is a constant support from the universe, it is most certainly the penultimate condition. I am amazed that such a thing is possible and it is continually rewarding.

And it is as if I have been settling into this new way of living life, acclimatising to the blitheness and benignity, and there has been some room for improvement within this too, with some old habits being left behind, sometimes they make a temporary come back where things are ‘clouded’ but then each time they disappear as they are seen to be no longer needed, and then each time there is only more delight as a result.

A nice notable experience was yesterday whilst enjoying physical intimacy with Sonya, it happened to take place in the living room with the french doors streaming in the sunlight from the garden, and there she was in all her glory, it was such a sensuous experience. I have never experienced sex like this before.

My sights have been constantly on actual freedom, although there has been so much enjoyment and appreciation in the meantime. Since the other day it has happened a few times that I experienced the sweetness of pure intent and following in that direction there were glimpses of the actual world, where there is only that pure intent, everywhere all at once. And this feature is outstanding too, that this what is happening now is so incredible, and yet that world (where pure intent is everywhere all at once / all that is left) is another ballgame altogether.

I am not sure if there is anything else that ‘I’ need to do / can do, which is not already happening. It looks now that I am only left with what Richard wrote here :

Richard: After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more …‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth. The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right.

[Sonyaxx]

@Kub933

there she was in all her glory,

Oh my i’ve gone red