Things have been going very wonderfully lately, it’s been a few days like this now and it continues on. The quality of the enjoyment and appreciation is different than before, barely distinguishable from a PCE is an apt description, in fact I only seem to be able to describe it in terms of physical experiencing. Technically there is affect going on but ‘I’ am so thin that actually most of the awareness rests on delighting at being here, as a flesh and blood body I want to say although it’s not quite that, it’s just very very close to that. I was having a chat with Sonya and my brother last night and I was surprised how utterly at ease I was, and how I found myself simply interested in what my brother had to say, what has been going on for him etc. It’s quite difficult to explain exactly what this change is but living like this is what I have always wanted. And then at some times yesterday it would go from this into glimpses of where it is all heading, and my response has been the same every time, that this is what I have always wanted. Vineeto’s advice from a while back has been on my mind a lot, that ‘my’ disappearance is not doable but rather be-able and I have been proceeding exactly in this manner, to let this process unfold.
Then at other times there would be some turbulence, but this time around I find myself in a place that this is no longer such an issue like it was in the past. I have been able to let this turbulence do its thing and then get back to this wondrous experiencing shortly after. Actually in the past this turbulence would always convince the ‘controller’ to step back in and find the next problem to solve, whereas this time around I have been able to see the play for what it is and decline to engage in that manner. Again what Vineeto said to me back then has been on my mind, which is that she was surprised how gullible I was being, and indeed this is what it looks like to me now, that this turbulence would convince the ‘controller’ to step back in and I would fall for it every time, but now I am not falling for it anymore haha.
But actually there has only been 1 bout of this turbulence so far, which was last night, which is interesting in itself. Basically I have had numerous tests run on me the past couple of years about these heart palpitations which I sometimes get, all tests have come back to say my heart and blood work etc is absolutely fine, which now has me wondering (with a generous pinch of salt) whereas these are simply physical symptoms of ‘my’ approaching demise. Anyways all doctors said the same, that these palpitations, when they happen, they are completely safe, so there is no worry about any actual danger.
All in all I have never found myself so effortlessly happy and harmless and it is all so right, so correct, living like this. I am kind of in two minds about posting this, wary to potentially invite the ‘controller’ back into the picture and yet I wanted to share this so here we are 
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Looking back as well I see that the me that I am now is nothing like the me that was in the (even recent) past, it’s a qualitative change in terms of how life is experienced, I could say that virtually I am only here now where this moment is happening, I don’t find myself to exist across the past-present-future like I did in the past, with the “virtually” qualifier definitely applied though.
Oh and another thing! Perhaps part of / the reason for what changed recently, interestingly enough this is how ‘Vineeto’ stepped out from control. Which is that I dared to fully enjoy sex and sexuality, and since then it’s like something opened up, this doorway to a totally naive enjoyment of life. Now knowing that I can fully enjoy sex and sexuality I have nothing else that could possibly be missing. The thing that I realised is that under the guise of ‘actualist morality’ I had been repressing my sex drive, and the other day I remembered something that Richard wrote under the correspondence on sex, that one starts where one is, which as a feeling being it is to ‘be’ that sex drive and thus enter the ‘sexual dimension’ that way, then of course there is the possibility of actuality peeking through.
Richard: That sexual dimension – a sexual world, so to speak, where sex and sexuality is virtually dripping off the walls; where there is only this beginningless and endless moment; where you both cannot ever possibly have enough of each other; where you cannot tell where the penis ends and the vagina begins/ where the vagina ends and the penis begins; where the distinction betwixt you and her/ betwixt you and him is as if non-existent – is indeed a dimension in which all the affective energy is directed towards the sex drive (or, rather, there is only that sex drive).
(As I have already said, in another context, starting from where you are at is always the best place to start from … as to pretend that ‘you’ are not a sexual ‘being’, at root, is to deny ‘your’ very nature).