To complement my PCE journal, I’m starting a feeling-good journal. The goal is to write about any notable exploration into diminishments in mood.
Keep it raw; down to earth; no intellectualization; no grand schemes.
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Nice guy mask
Context
With the help of an actualist (who doesn’t write here) offline, I indirectly got to expose the ‘nice guy’ identity which had been repressing sexual desire the last two decades. I tested this all by expressing my direct sexual interest to the woman I recently fell in love with, and also as a way of ‘officially’ ending the relationship with her and moving on (because she was still contacting me as if to ‘keep me’ to serve some purpose or something). The message I sent was something along the lines of asking for FWB arragement:
Gotta be honest: while the emotional heaviness is gone, the sexual desire is very much still there. I’m not looking for strictly friendship. I enjoy our conversations, I want us to be physical too. Is that something you want too?
I really fought tooth and nail with the actualist because I was afraid of directly asking her this. In the end, I decided to just ask and see what happens – both from her standpoint and my own reaction to it.
Trigger
She basically vanished from that point—no response. This caused a surge of fear, and I was no longer feeling good.
Exploration
I realized that this fear is of the ‘self-image’ I had unwittingly built myself as a nice person who doesn’t want sex right away or something (in the eyes of women) coming crashing down. This image also, in part, lead me to fall in love with her sooner than latter because the sexual desire had no other acceptable outlet. Incidentally, in the past I would misapply actualist happy-and-harmless using good feelings for this very reason (“I’m a ‘nice guy’ that is happy and harmless”).
As a result of this, I felt somewhat bottomless, so to speak, as there is less of an identity to hold on to on these matters. Felt a bit raw. But, instead of rebuilding the ‘nice guy’ mask (or building new masks to counteract it: lover, loner, being-bad, aloof, etc.), I decided to just sit with it. Accept the unknown. Actually, I came to like it! It is so freeing to be close to the body, to be sensuous (just feeling good even!) … rather than clamping myself into identity buckets out of need for spurious security. There is a tiny lingering ‘bruise’, but the feeling is largely gone. And I’m feeling good.
Edited to add: This ‘nice guy’ is of course not nice at all. Totally opposite to actualist harmlessness (not wishing malice/ sorrow; rather, wishing well; asking for sex doesn’t violate harmlessness 
it is rather ingenuous).
Yea, so that was not the end of it, and this ‘bruise’ turned out to be nothing but a window into the whole morass of related issues. That ‘nice guy’ self-image was just the tip of the iceberg of sexual identity. I wasn’t able to get back to feeling good completely, so I used this opportunity to make myself coffee then sit and do nothing but look into all of it whilst remembering what Vineeto said to me (“don’t forget to enjoy and deeply appreciate solving the puzzle […]”)
It has been quite productive! Far less seriousness, and more fun at finding out how I tick. I have been sharing detailed notes with the-other-actualist, but the main theme I discovered at first is the mechanism of self-worth in operation.
I.
Without seeing its mechanism , self-worth remains just a nebulous blob. In fact, this goes for any belief/issue/feeling I suppose. What I saw: self-worth actually stems from other people’s feeling or perception[1] about me. Especially women’s perception of me in regards to attraction cum affection. I have always been, since as a young kid, able to almost intuit them (affectively) looking down upon me in the attraction/ sexual sense, for instance. It doesn’t stop there though. Instinctively, I then introject (great word; check it out) their perception (or rather my intuition of it); and thus, start to feel myself insecure or as having low self-worth.[2] I have internalized or introjected this perception, and made it part of my identity, and then ‘live with it’. Being obsessed and skilled at computers has always provided welcome relief and a worthy source of identity.
This improved my mood substantially for I realized I can simply stop introjecting other people’s psychic contents. I do not have to identify as such, and that I am my own person.
II.
Shortly after, I experienced disquietude and unease about not having a ground to stand upon. Because - this low self-worth, despite being pathetic, provided me a secure ground to stand upon. My identity had a reliable ‘outline’, and now I seem to need a new ‘outline’ or else I’d fall. I remembered my PCE (the stillness of this moment) and avoided the temptation to adopt new identites.
III.
Since then I employed total affective awareness to notice every other aspect of the sexual identiy as they popped up. I saw how desire, sorrow and loneliness operated in tandem. The last one of them proved to be tricky: it seemed that loneliness, when felt in the moment, had no ‘solution’ other than dissolution or an IE by virtue of a near-actual intimacy. But, I remembered my PCE as well recalled being naive when the PCE ended. Then, I simply utilized TMBOA’s ‘seeing the silliness’ to see how it is silly to waste this moment feeling lonely, and it worked! I was actually surprised how I began feeling better than good right away, and it has remained that way, even as I entered my apartment and thereon felt excellent … something I haven’t felt since December.
It appears that the game right now is quite simple: keep feeling good, and ruthelessly explore all diminishments. I’m sure more, including the above (with different aspects), will pop up again, but I’m ready for it. Bring it on. I’m gonna keep feeling good no matter what, and nothing is worth taking me away from that path. I’ve got nothing to lose.
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I woke up today with resentment and sorrow (they often go together). This has been preventing me from feeling good today. In fact, I recognize this resentment cum sorrow, in regards to my sexual situation in society, as the main issue to tackle right now.
When I woke up, the resentment felt exactly like it did back when I was a kid in school having to deal with emotional bullies (being the tallest, they didn’t dare to bully me physically). I desired being like them (popular) but since they excluded and made fun of me I also resented them. I was almost always brooding in their vicinity. I did find solace in ‘non-social’ avenues (mathematics, and the sciences in general, were my fun outlets).
Over time, as an adult, this resentment and sorrow took on the sexual element since it was pretty much a ‘continuation’ of the same level of marginalization in the social level. I once again found solace in computer science (which is the best thing that happened in my life, as I also found a network of fellow enthusiasts), which allowed me to side-step these issues for the last two decades and thus live a reasonably satisfactory life, but since I met her in November (where all these feelings coalesced and focused themselves unilaterally on her and her alone) and fell in love, the tables have turned and I cannot go back to that anymore. The only way forward, now, is to resolve these issues for once and for all. It is a fact of life that I have near-zero success in the sexual domain. I want to be okay with it, really, and become fully autonomous. But the awareness of this situation (even after dealing with self-worth) is presently often producing sorrow & resentment. So far I seem to be mildly dissociating, because I deal with these feelings as if I’m “having” them, rather than being them; Vineeto is spot on:
When I allow myself to feel them as ‘me’, ‘I’ feel myself to be rather scared. On top of that fear, I’m afraid of being exposed, as that would only add fuel to the fire. It does feel a bit better, though … to just let myself be the scared self that he is. I just gotta stay with this, I guess. Don’t know how long it will take before something fundamentally changes … but it is rather uncomfortable for another reason: I cannot seem find the usual motivation in regular activities …
Initially, those ‘superficial and profound passions’ comprised sadness and fear to the core. This is who ‘I’ am (as in, ‘I’ am sad, and ‘I’ am scared). But, I have been unable to access the ‘feeling being’ (as in ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being) beneath, nevermind naiveté.[1]
Later, it then became that ‘heavy sinking fear’ in the stomach. It relates to the ‘not having a ground to stand upon’ I mentioned before. I can dimly see ‘the other side’ from here: one where I have no control over other people whatsoever, and one where there seemingly is the freedom to let events happen without needing to control them. The sinking feeling is still here …
Side note: Am I still ignoring certain feelings? Could it be ‘desire’? I don’t experience desire, per se, in this moment - but perhaps that (as a dream or wish or longing) is indirectly keeping all this fear and sadness alive? ↩︎
Update: a while ago, the whole thing stopped. Abruptly. No fear or sadness anymore.
I was also watching the DVD video between Richard & Vineeto. It was a combination of realizing that I don’t have control in this particular domain (other person’s feelings) and seeing the role desire has been playing in all of this. Upon visual stimulus, there’s both aesthetic appreciation and (sometimes) physical sexual arousal; but soon after that comes the various expressions of desire, the main one being to ‘possess’ (as if she’s an object). The rest of what I talked about (self-worth, sorrow, etc.) stem from that. I simply decided to give up those post-arousal mechanisms; they are just not worth holding on to. Simple as!
I now see what Vineeto means by "[enjoying] their company whatever form that may take". And more importantly, I rediscovered my autonomy.
Will see how this goes in the next few days.
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Just wanted to record this in the log. The text Vineeto was quoting below was written by me, back during the 2024 Ballina trip wherein I met both Richard and Vineeto. What really stands out to me—and what had me recall this particular episode today—is the realization of how “I do not have to be/feel the way blind nature dictated that I feel”. This revivified naive memory is also from prior to the development of the “almost always brooding in their vicinity” (#4) resentful memory I’ve often carried through my life.
Full quotation below:
May 10, 2024 (naiveté)
There’s a good chance I somewhat misunderstood Richard/Vineeto in last meeting. I don’t have to give up my autonomous enjoyment (and liking myself). All I need to do is stop repressing entirely; and channel the (now-open) energy of passions towards enacting an EE/PCE in that very moment. That’s it. No compromises needed, or even lifestyle changes needed (much less seek advice to that end from others often in vain).
[..]
“I don’t have to be this way” - a glimmer of being like a kid
Ooooh, just had an interesting insight!
I entered the [Traveller’s Lodge] kitchen lobby with an empty bottle, making my way to the sink to fill it. I was holding the bottle somewhat loosely, which lead to me dropping it as I brisk-walked my way to the sink. I picked it up – and as I was picking it up, I found myself to be like a kid again for a brief moment. And in that being-like-a-kid revivification, it occurred to me with a crystal-clear clarity and obviousness as to how I do not have to be/feel the way blind nature dictated that I feel (with libido, for example, along with the attendant feelings).
This insight, further simplified my outlook on this whole thing (which was already simplified by my aforementioned message). Naturally, I came to an understanding that being still a feeling being, I’ll continue to experience instinctual passions … BUT, instead of acting all adult (ie., following the dictates of these sophisticates), I could simply channel the instinctual energy to the ends I think is best – which is to become actually free (via, first, having EE/PCE happen) as well as have tremendous fun in computers.[1]
Damn, I consider this to be as key of a insight as affective vibes perception I had with Jon back in 2013.
Can I rememorate and revivify this at will?
Being like a kid, in that brief moment, was so easy to be - and obviously a much better way to live (as long as one is not gullible). In comparison, the normalcy of normal being sucks (there’s a “heaviness” to it)
In fact, I’m trying to rememorate now (I’m seated in the couch, sipping a cup of coffee) … and I feel a sense of heaviness/thickness in the middle of the chest (as if to suggest, in contrast, what the ongoing normalcy is).
I’m reminded of Richard’s Clay-Pit Tale
The ‘being naiveté’ experience occurred as feeling-being ‘Richard’ was climbing out of the clay-pit, onto the closely-cropped grass surround, [..]
And it was as ‘he’ was clambering out onto the grassy sward—both ‘he’ and the young lad were stark naked and covered in creamy wet clay—that ‘his’ heightened state of awareness (a state of amazement, marvelment, and delightment, due to the exuberant joy stemming from making a living as an adult playing with mud and the sheer joie de vivre of life itself) slipped into being a childlike state of wide-eyed wonderment best expressed by the word naiveté.
Now, I wouldn’t say in that brief moment I had wide-eyed wonderment, however it was certainly a childlike state.
[End of report from May 10, 2024]
Editor’s note: of course, this goes for just about any activity, even “doing nothing” Doing nothing - #6 by Srinath ↩︎
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Report on the last few days:
On Jan 24, the fear returned, albeit as “object-less”. Being it (sincerity), I came to see as it as the whole sexual identity being afraid of dying (a sort of ‘reproductive death’). I sat with the barrenness without retreating back to hope[1].
The next day, the fear’s gone. Later that day, I rediscovered naiveté (being naive), as an ongoing way of being, as reported here:
As a result of this, and stemming from the newly discovered naive autonomy to the core, I began experiencing a mounting appreciation of all that happens (e.g.: I was marvelling shopping for eggs and such in the grocery store later that day). This was being constantly experienced as a ‘buzz’ - which reminded me of a similar experience (albeit onlly briefly that day, due to absence of sufficient sincerity back then) back in 14 Nov, 2024:
14 Nov, 2024
Syd: I finally discovered (during a shower on Nov 7) that *appreciating* feeling good has the effect of instantly making me feel great. This appreciation feels like a constant (affective) buzz around being here right now. Even right now, as I write this, this buzz also incorporates a very sensate ambiance (the colours and brilliance of the visual ambiance in particular). Interestingly, nowadays I rarely find myself fatigued at the end of the day.
AF person[2]: Now you got the knack! That’s it – appreciation is the factor that multiplies feeling good and really invites pure intent to ‘take charge’, so to speak. What you describe as a ‘buzz’ is the very life-force of pure intent, benignant, tender, benevolent in its very essence and sometimes experienced as sweetness and gentleness.
Like back then, I was quite energetic the whole day; as well as went to bed later than usual despite waking up refreshed. I would characterize this as enjoying & appreciating or feeling excellent. It resulted directly from appreciating and revelling in an ongoing success in regards to being naive … and naively autonomous at that. Regarding this ‘buzz’, for some reason it also reminds me of Q’s “I’m orgastic all the time.” from here; I don’t know if it is the same, but like her I don’t need orgasm either when being this. 
The next day, the familiar “morning resentment” would arise (much less intense these days) and I’d readily get back to feeling good. Eventually (after looking at boredom) I found my way back to that enjoyment & appreciation or feeling excellent. This would then diminish later in the day, thus suggesting that I’m still in the process of teasing out all the “post-arousal mechanisms” or the aforementioned “everything else” (shades of hope being a big one, but also social beliefs). I learned two things here today:
- If I’m feeling bad for anything more than say a minute, it is because I was either ignoring or transcending feelings (as Vineeto mentioned here), sometimes even using a past memory of success, thus fighting or fleeing from “my” feelings (i.e., being dissociated).
- Once I acknowledge the feeling and be those feelings (forgetting about how it all ‘ought’ to be), then I can easily get back to feeling good.
- Even when I’m no longer feeling excellent, there’s now the comfortable baseline of ‘feeling good’ to appreciate and continue the exploration.
Also, while investigating those “post-arousal mechanisms”, I began seeing the appeal of sensuousity … like, it seems to be a “natural next thing” in the process**.** While this is still an ongoing investigation, it seems to me that even these ‘naive feelings’ can be a bit of trap - and there is an increasing desire to simply sensuosly enjoy beng here, even in preference to … umm … that aforementioned ‘hedonic pleasure’ associated with sexual arousal. Interestingly, this doesn’t mean I have to become reclusive, for I can still be responsive (rather than hopeful) to the world of people, things and events. I can see that I don’t have to get entangled in hopes and dreams; and can simply take life as it comes by. Be fresh, each moment, basically. This stuff is pretty radical, in a way!
" R: … couldn’t go into hope again … and you sat there and realised that you were to simply sit in this starkness, this barrenness, and not move in any direction whatever. Not move psychologically, I mean. That is; emotionally or mentally. That is very, very important – not to move." Something Has Definitely Changed In Me ↩︎
Actually-free person. If they give me permission to share contents from our private correspondence, I’d be happy to use their name here. ↩︎
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Hi Syd,
It’s interesting to read of your proceedings because it seems we have very similar tendencies. In your post you describe re-discovering naivete as an ongoing way of being and the resultant buzz. Then later on you describe coming upon morning resentments and boredom… Something is not right! During my fake out from control period this was exactly the kind of see-saw I experienced too, it’s almost kind of manic, that is the best way I can describe it, it’s a mirage though.
It’s like ‘I’, powered by the now widely available knowledge about an actual freedom can construct these illusory worlds and states of being in which ‘I’ then reside - I guess actuality mimicking ASC’s would be the correct term here.
I could be wrong about this but something is fishy. If there is not a continuous improvement in one’s baseline as the backbone for discovering naivete as an ongoing state of being then it’s likely a flight of fancy.
I do remember during those “flights of fancy” there was always this (almost crippling) sense of insecurity that accompanied the euphoric states. Of course there is insecurity where there is deception, it might be useful to look out for any feelings of that kind as well as any shuttling from hope to despair.
The question is - and I am asking myself that very same question - how could ‘I’ possibly discover naivete as an ongoing way of ‘being’ if ‘I’ am not feeling good (felicitous and innocuous) each moment again, come what may.
Funnily enough that was the thrust of Geoffreys advice to me and Claudiu the other day - Guys just apply the method 
This is actually a very good point! How could ‘I’ be naive as an ongoing state of being if ‘I’ do not have the naiveté to feel good come what may, bit circular but it makes the point haha. To be naive is to be feeling good because it feels good to feel good…
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Hey!
Just to clarify, I meant being naive (and thus “experience a change in the way [I] feel, in [my] attitude and general outlook”) and not being naiveté (out-from-control virtual freedom) per se. I should have been more careful in my wording!
Also see last paragraph below.
This “morning resentment” has been a near-daily habitual occurrence of that childhood (bullying) memory which I referenced in the posts above as “almost always brooding in their vicinity” (#4). I remember telling Richard about it back in 2024. You could say this is my ‘default’ way of feeling out other people, when the usual civil veneer is not fully functioning yet (usually the case when you wake up in the morning).
This ‘boredom’ (another long-term habit) was to do with the addiction to desire I haven’t written about, because it is not yet time for it.
Note that I’m not even thinking about the actualism process at this stage, as written here:
I’m sure it will happen when the time is right. Feeling good, and enjoying & appreciating is its own reward, anyway. 
In my experience w/ this, it was a result of me trying to intuitively feel my way towards happiness and harmlessness, and force myself to enjoy and appreciate through effort and attention, without acknowledging that the happiness and harmlessness I was looking for ensues as a result of the absence of malice and sorrow. So in effect, I ran the risk at all times of aiming for a happiness and harmlessness according to my definition/understanding of it, as opposed to patiently eliminating malice and sorrow in myself and allowing the happiness and harmlessness I barely knew anything about to hover into view. From there I could get a closer look at things and from there the next step begins to reveal itself.
Of course this intuitive pushing was something that had to be maintained, as opposed to actually eliminating identity or parts of it. Something eliminated does not need to be maintained. So since such a feeling good needed to be maintained, there is what you describe as a “crippling sense of insecurity.” Because you know you’re going back. It’s a deep-down feeling.
Eventually I had to relax and start enjoy being the innocuous emotions rather than aiming for a pie in the sky. Then I began to work from where I was - getting into the nitty gritty no longer sweeping things under the rug only to pull them out for short periods. The effort I’ve exerted doing this has been fun compared to the time I spent forcing myself to enjoy and appreciate, or forcing myself into pces - which didn’t work, and only ran the risk of kidding myself that I was close despite a crippling sense of insecurity.
I can relate to this experience of waking up depressed/longing. It was with me for almost 40 years and characterized my depression. It needed equally strong feelings to counteract it hence what you mention, “slight mania.” It was a swing from one pole to its opposite and the slight mania never did the trick.
It is now no longer a feature in my life. I know not when it stopped happening. Perhaps it was gradual. But I no longer have to slowly start to feel better upon waking up.
It was primarily caused by the basic resentment of being alive which branches out and touches so many aspects of one’s life. So I started to cut the branches instead of taking wild swings at the root. It was much more doable for me.
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CM
There was a kid named CM in my school years who personified the kind of naiveté that lied outside the spectrum of self-worth (as defined by others).
He was a bit of a fool by nature, yet was still able to achieve things to the surprise of others (via unconventional and seemingly foolish means). For example, there was an exhibition in school where all the students were encouraged to come up with creative projects. While most kids were focused on creating cookie-cutter things, CM would just go about it without a plan. He would collect scraps from the school grounds and elsewhere, bring clay from home (people made fun of him for this) and successfully build a ‘village’ out of it for displaying in the exhibition.
Although people tended to make fun of or ignore him, by virtue of his own foolishness, he was oblivious to their ‘hurts’ (he generally always had a cheerful demeanour). He had no ‘worth’ in relation to others, but he was blithely oblivious and artlessly uncaring of that anyway. He was probably oblivious to praise, too.
Resentment towards people
What began as “the strangest feeling” (link), segued into exploring the larger theme of resentment towards people, which I touched upon in a couple of places here (originating as a childhood affective habit):
Even though I carelessly wrote it that way, it wasn’t that I “desired being like them (popular)” because looking back I simply cannot locate any such desire. What happened was that I was quite different to the rest in school, by virtue of high intelligence, being neurodivergent, having total disinterest[1] in social grooming (small talk, gossip, establishing hierarchies, roast, ridicule, performative risk-taking, scapegoating, posturing, etc. which take the form of ‘male rites of passage’ in teenage years). And this enabled motivated others to use me as a target to channel their aggression[2], as part of their own social grooming. This would piss me off. Greatly. Imagine being stuck in the same ‘social group’ for 6+ years (school)! I received no emotional guidance from my parents. I carried on with what I enjoyed: mathematics, sciences and later computers. At the same time, I built up the resentment of “almost always brooding in their vicinity” as I had no choice but to be stuck with them for several years.
I carried this affective memory as an adult, and it impacted how I dealt with people (distrust, defensiveness, etc.), especially outside of my ‘hobby circles’ (open source hackers, etc.) who share the same interests and proclivities. It then snatched onto my dealings with women; on top of sexual desire, I put them ‘one level above me’ and thus developed an emotional dependency on ‘their own desire towards me’ (this was the primary cause of my failing hard with the woman back in Nov/Dec) to bridge the divide. A similar total disinterest[1:1] in courtship rituals (including the proxy need for ‘friendship’) meant I never got to explore these sufficiently.
So, all of these are various ways in which I ‘relate’ to other humans as anything but fellow human beings. The notion of fellowship regard appeared moralistic to me, but now it seems to be the only sensible way to be, especially as it strips away all the aforementioned power-dynamics, both with men and women. Besides, there’s no autonomy (my greatest desire) without fellowship regard!
So, it is all coming together nicely, and I’m already weakening these habits. I wondered why the paternalistic likes of Jordan Peterson pissed me off so much (I remember being pissed off at Srinath and some other actualists for similar reasons). I had been fighting imaginary daemons from my childhood. It is greatly freeing to realize that I don’t have to be concerned with other people’s modus operandi any more. Honestly, these feelings are such an insult to intelligence LOL. Looking forward to see how it all goes …
total disinterest: No psychological need or desire whatsoever. Nor any enjoyment of it, except friendly company with shared interests was/is always appreciated. ↩︎ ↩︎
cf. Bullying / Bullies ↩︎
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Autonomy; and boundless appreciation of autonomy!
I’ve sufficiently explored all desire-feelings (the good and the bad; top to bottom). They are all but sandcastles built upon the fleshly act of sexual penetration itself,[1] and I now find it critical to remember this insight. They are longwinded trains to ‘rompville’. A prolonged dry simulation before wet friction. A nervous stuttering preceding rhythmic thumping. A marathon of flowery prose ending in a monosyllabic grunt. The intricate weaving of emotional safety nets shredded by a downward thrust. A grand tour of psychological depths terminating at the shallow pelvic slam. A labyrinth of strategic “getting to know yous” leading to the raw deep slide. The slow unbuttoning of social grace ending in a hard heave. The curated mask of the “good date” stripped off for the blind pelvic drive.
And then, sensuousness provides a superior alternative to these sandcastles, as originally observed here:
With feeling good as a reliable baseline, a more sensuous enjoyment can readily be accessed by rememorating my PCEs with superlative gusto. I also like how Srinath put it, presumably idiosyncratically based on his own PCEs (link):
SRINATH: You want to get into your senses and to relish and savour whatever sensory experience is on offer. Most often it is easiest to start with the eyes, let your eyes fall gently on whatever is in your purview. Have them ‘caress’ whatever is around you that is appealing. It might be the blue sky, a tree, a pebble on the ground, a bowl on your desk. See with the very ‘surface of the eyeballs as it were’. Initially, there may be only one or two things that produce sensuous pleasure. See if you can gradually take pleasure in seeing other things. Bring the other senses into it – hearing, touch, taste, smell. Hearing and touch especially. You want your whole body to be caught up with the pleasure of the senses. If you get any worries or anxieties, see if you can set them aside. If they are persistent you may need to spend a little time examining them before you dispatch them, but do so without too much effort. The idea is to get back to sensuosity.
For me, both ‘immediacy’ and ‘arriving here’ (link) are the rememorative cues just prior to sensuousity coming into picture.
A great way to consistently feel great to excellent!
Prior to immigrating to North America, about two decades ago, I was constantly in touch online (later we met when she visited India) with a remarkable, funny and highly intelligent woman of identical origin as me but living in the US, who would make more or less the same observation. Incidentally, she was the 2nd woman I fell in love with. ↩︎
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I’m very content to “just” feel great and generally enjoy & appreciate life as it happens.
FWIW, this is what worked for me of late:
- Original intent:
- Absolutely let go of everything (including thinking ‘about’ actualism or feelings), and go about life normally.
- What actually happened, however:
- I became purely interested in how I felt, each and every moment. Observing and understanding how it all functioned, but without any particular intent (the ‘forceful’ intent I’ve always had, as part of my actualist identity) to ‘change’ things.
- The result
- I understood the whole mechanism of my sexual identity (all the way to the rutheless instinctua passions), leaving no corner unexplored. Discovered some 10+ feelings/beliefs under the same umbrella.
- Rather effortless to nip each of them (once understood, no need to ‘revisit’ the territory).
- Prevalence and duration radically went down over time, such that they no longer interrupt my feeling good/great.
- Appreciation
- From time to time, appreciation (at feeling good/great/excellent) mounts, and I allow that some more, because it is all just so great.
There’s no pressing desire to become free, per se. I’m not even thinking about PCEs right now … however, pretty soon I intend to follow Srinath’s excellent advice in SIMPLE ACTUALISM - PCE because I do believe that allowing PCEs on a daily basis will be the next ‘upgrade’ point.
(I don’t know what happened to Srinath, or whether he still cares to maintain this site; so I’ve taken a backup of it for posterity.)
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Forgot to also say that this included ceasing to be a ‘member’ of this forum (in the psychological sense). This membership is part of my actualist identity, and it ironically stood in the way of any success regarding actualism. I’m already tackling the general theme of belonging as the next issue.
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For posterity, here are related posts:
Later, all of this enabled resurfacing of this exact fear from 2 weeks ago:
(Back then, allowing this fear by embracing death lead to a PCE.)
What is happening right now:
- There is simply no way to “improve” things within the framework of “me”.
- No matter much I change “myself”, “I” fundamentally remain the same grotty self needing to merge with other “selves”. This is the belonging instinct. No matter how much I purify “myself” (by following whatever social dictates du jour, etc.), it will remain as Richard says “a chancy deception” (Quotes - #292 by syd).
- I could go back into the illusion of hope, but I do not want to, as I know the cycle then repeats.
- Thus, the only option left: let the fear (which underlies despair) do its thing. Let whatever part of “me” die in the process, allowing something new (sensous; firmly here; close to the PCE; etc.) to unfold.
- Stay firmly on course; DO NOT FALL BACK TO HOPE.
When I first returned to this forum I wrote:
I had yet another realization yesterday which slightly changed my tracks from feeling good per se: since it is impractical to be allowing PCEs all the time for practical reasons, I asked myself: so what can I do during the times ‘in between’? Well, imitate them affectively to the best of my ability, of course. Which means enjoy & appreciate being here right now. The part I’ve bolded is the key; it is, after all, what’s evident in the PCE (the stillness of this eternal moment with no ‘outside’), which one immitates as a feeling-being.
And, this enjoyment & appreciation of being alive is basically all that matters, with the rest (techniques) being tangential and sometimes idiosyncratic:
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.
@Vineeto I read both your replies to me in that other thread, and see the sensibility in everything you are suggesting. In particular, to begin with, I’ll focus on the above – understanding and living the sincere intent to be harmless and happy as much as humanly possible. I’ll write about it over time.
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@Vineeto This above quote has helped me to understand why I have only experienced pure intent while in a pce. It’s because as you said above: “because that “genuinely occurring stream” is always outside of ‘you’.”
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