Just feel good, bro

[syd]

I woke up today with resentment and sorrow (they often go together). This has been preventing me from feeling good today. In fact, I recognize this resentment cum sorrow, in regards to my sexual situation in society, as the main issue to tackle right now.

When I woke up, the resentment felt exactly like it did back when I was a kid in school having to deal with emotional bullies (being the tallest, they didn’t dare to bully me physically). I desired being like them (popular) but since they excluded and made fun of me I also resented them. I was almost always brooding in their vicinity. I did find solace in ‘non-social’ avenues (mathematics, and the sciences in general, were my fun outlets).

Over time, as an adult, this resentment and sorrow took on the sexual element since it was pretty much a ‘continuation’ of the same level of marginalization in the social level. I once again found solace in computer science (which is the best thing that happened in my life, as I also found a network of fellow enthusiasts), which allowed me to side-step these issues for the last two decades and thus live a reasonably satisfactory life, but since I met her in November (where all these feelings coalesced and focused themselves unilaterally on her and her alone) and fell in love, the tables have turned and I cannot go back to that anymore. The only way forward, now, is to resolve these issues for once and for all. It is a fact of life that I have near-zero success in the sexual domain. I want to be okay with it, really, and become fully autonomous. But the awareness of this situation (even after dealing with self-worth) is presently often producing sorrow & resentment. So far I seem to be mildly dissociating, because I deal with these feelings as if I’m “having” them, rather than being them; Vineeto is spot on:

@Vineeto

In order to “go past the rather superficial emotions/ feelings … into the deeper, more profound passions/ feelings” you first need to stop ignoring, objecting to, pushing away, or ‘setting aside’ or by-pass any ‘inappropriate’ of those superficial and profound passions until you can recognize and fully acknowledge them as ‘you’. Only then will you be able to discover there is something further, “where you intuitively feel you elementarily have existence as a feeling being (as in ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being … which is ‘being’ itself”.

If that discovery is genuine (and not a superficial change of wording, which neither changes your underlying feeling nor the vibes you automatically emanate) then you will experience a change in the way you feel, in your attitude and general outlook, where, for instance, women are no longer prey or objects of sexual desire but likeable fellow human beings to enjoy their company whatever form that may take. Until that change in your ‘being’ happens and can be repeated until it becomes your new way of being, your investigations into “what was so terrible, so frightful in this past experience, and why” have barely scratched the surface.

When I allow myself to feel them as ‘me’, ‘I’ feel myself to be rather scared. On top of that fear, I’m afraid of being exposed, as that would only add fuel to the fire. It does feel a bit better, though … to just let myself be the scared self that he is. I just gotta stay with this, I guess. Don’t know how long it will take before something fundamentally changes … but it is rather uncomfortable for another reason: I cannot seem find the usual motivation in regular activities …