Romantic Love is a fantasy construct

[syd]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

So perhaps your first inquiry is about what was so terrible, so frightful in this past experience, and why.

I think I can respod to this now. In the other topic, I already talked about the various feelings regarding women in general and how, upon meeting her back in November, all those feelings “coalesced and focused themselves unilaterally on her and her alone” (Just feel good, bro - #4 by syd). So basically it were the same feelings but focused and intensified (as if burning an ant with a magnifying glass) on one person; putting all my eggs on the same basket so to speak. This was the beginning of falling in love.

I remember the specific moment when the panic started. During the evening of date 3 (earlier this day I remember first developing the ‘bond’ with her after her EFT tapping), in my couch, I awkwardly attempt physical escalation (back and forth casual touching), with no enthusiastic reciprocration from her, and at some point she decides to leave. Right after this, there was a huge surge of panic (accompanied by heavy breath), and the fear was about ‘losing her forever’ (‘she’ had began already merged with ‘me’; see below). And since I had put all eggs on the same basket, so to speak, this meant … well the end of everything. Hence, the panic. The next day, I fell in love (it is possible that the evening before’s physical touch was a precipitating factor, going by my “lead me to fall in love with her sooner than latter because the sexual desire had no other acceptable outlet” comment in Just feel good, bro - #2 by syd) … it was a full-blown being in a love so much that when I went to an organic grocery store that day I was but ‘flying’ or ‘swimming’ in love with various women visibly picking up on that euphoric ‘energy’ of this man in their vicinity (I happenned to spontaneously flirt heavily with a female worker there, who seemed as if she eagerly wanted me to take her home that day).

Over the next week or two, it’d become apparent there’s no reciprocration, so there would be less of euphoria and more of panic. And thus came the ‘clean break’ on mid-December until Jan 10 when I choose to ‘try this again’ with her, wherein the old feelings would come back albeit in lesser intensity. I wasn’t courageous enough yet to face those feelings again, so I asked for a FWB arrangement knowing well that she would likely say no and thus I can officially ‘close the chapter’ with no possibility (or temptation) of returning.

It was like is this: I felt as if ‘she’ became a part of ‘me’ - so ‘rejection’ basically meant that part being ripped out of ‘me’, and there could not be greater pain than this. I could relate to what Richard wrote to Tarin. And the description of how love is but an union between two separative selves. Rejection meant that separation is validated, highlighted and brought to fore, and because ‘I’ coalesced all of ‘myself’ onto ‘her’ … her rejection meant … well … death.

@Vineeto

Instead of “change in your ‘being’” I should have more precisely said change in the perception of your ‘being’ as I laid it out in the beginning of the sentence – “you will experience a change in the way you feel, in your attitude and general outlook, where, for instance, women are no longer prey or objects of sexual desire but likeable fellow human beings to enjoy their company whatever form that may take”. (link) As you have reported yourself on occasion, when naiveté operates there is an immense tangible change in how you are.

Is there a significant difference between saying “change in your ‘being’” and “change in the perception of you ‘being’”? Once I so-willingly decline all these desire-expressions (I’m still exploring some subtle ones), seriousness basically goes out of the window, and the near-innocense of naivete becomes accessible. Being coy, for one example, instead of being nervous. And there is a general lightness and cheerfulness regardless of other people’s modus operandi. I quite like it, already.

@Vineeto

Why do you need others’ “detailed report” to know how to proceed?

I guess I was looking for a ‘template’ to follow but you are right, it is actually way more fun (and authentic) to find out for myself. Besides, only I get know all of my idiosyncracies and intricasies; the same goes for others. Autonomy is operating at levels higher than before.

@Vineeto

It describes how the mechanism of the old paradigm operated, nowadays further disguised by cloaking those “clouds” in new words gleaned from reports of fully free people such as “common consciousness”, “immanence-in-consciousness”, “being genderless, formless, ageless and vast”, “sense of fixed physicality falling apart” (see link) and ‘transcendence’ renamed as “channeling into”, “by-passing” or simply ignoring uncomfortable feelings.

Ha, good ol’ bag of tricks I now thankfully no longer need.

@Vineeto

Actualism is not about controlling the feelings but by recognizing and looking at them you eventually get an insight into the pattern of the workings of your identity and see how silly it is to keep doing what you have been programmed to do.

I do experientially understand this now. And it is fun to do this.

@Vineeto

Syd: (…) I simply decided to give up those post-arousal mechanisms; they are just not worth holding on to. Simple as!
I now see what Vineeto means by "[enjoying] their company whatever form that may take". And more importantly, I rediscovered my autonomy. (link)

This is an excellent practical example of what I was describing above – “when you have the readiness to no longer follow the demands of this passion, this cause of your slavery, then it can happen in an instant”.

Yes, this was the my first practical demonstration of it. Not only did it begin to free me up from lifetime of misery, but it also laid the initial confidence to tackle other issues similarly.

What you said above (as quoted in Just feel good, bro - #5 by syd and the post above) was seminal in getting me to directly face all these feelings for the first time. I have immense appreciation for it!