Being less 'self'-centric and more considerate

[syd]

@syd

@Vineeto

and a possibly growing consideration for anything outside of your personal emotional interest. Some contemplation on what being less ‘self’-centric and more considerate of your fellow human beings is might be fruitful?

You are quite right. In fact, a common feedback my Quebecois landlord (who welcomes French students, with whom I often socialize from time to time) gives me is that I’m too focused on my own perspective in life, instead of, say, taking genuine interest in other people (she had this to say, primarily, in response to my falling-in-love back in December).

And now we have a third data point (feedback) on this! First, Vineeto. Then, my Quebecois landlord. And now, this woman I was dating back in Nov/Dec.

@syd

The message I sent was something along the lines of asking for FWB arragement:

Gotta be honest: while the emotional heaviness is gone, the sexual desire is very much still there. I’m not looking for strictly friendship. I enjoy our conversations, I want us to be physical too. Is that something you want too?

I really fought tooth and nail with the actualist because I was afraid of directly asking her this. In the end, I decided to just ask and see what happens – both from her standpoint and my own reaction to it.

She basically vanished from that point—no response. [..]

She did eventually respond to this on Jan 25 which I only saw today (because I had stopped checking Telegram). The essence of it was that she didn’t feel cared for, or heard or seen by me. I didn’t care about the details of her life, since I was obssessed with my own feelings. She couldn’t have sex with someone that doesn’t genuinely care for her. Her response was very good (she had to wait a few days before writing it, as she felt mad), and I replied with my appreciation for it stating that she is indeed right I didn’t actually care for her … and that I was fond of her and enjoyed her company irrespective of my desire for physical intimacy and that I sent her that message honestly hoping it would lead to permanent closure with no hope of revival.

So, this is now firmly established … that by default I do not really care much about other people, outside of my personal bubble of emotional interest. How do I feel in response? A bit sad … bitter-sweet sadness (longing + loss)^[1] in fact. Do I feel compelled to upend my life as result? No, I’m not interested in any moral forcing. For now, I shall sit with this sadness and any other accompanying feelings for however long,^[1:1] regardless of the outcome. Strangely, I’m feeling comfortable in my skin for the first time. No longer interested in hiding my feelings in public anymore. No longer interested in women (as an ego-gratifying object), even - as I realized I literally have nothing to offer them (especially that caring that they so yearn for). This is who I am, and that’s okay.

EDITED to add: This “bitter-sweet sadness” eventually changed into a greater sense of freedom! I know what I want, and I know what I’m willing to provide (or not). Things are so much simple now.

---

1. See edit below ↩︎ ↩︎