Kuba: Ah and now I can tell what was “missing” yesterday, the thing that is still to come, why it was not actual freedom yet – it is the stillness.
I have been experiencing it more and more, becoming accustomed to it. Finally I understood experientially what Richard meant when he wrote “I am the utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness” – that is exactly what it is like.
I experienced it the other day when I was eating dinner, I don’t think I can add any more to Richard’s description.
So yes there is this perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight, that is what this world and this body is and yet there is still something else to come, which is the stillness. It seems the stillness is experienced through that “existential sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for good. (link)
Hi Kuba,
Yes, this is when it happens –
Vineeto: I heard myself saying to Richard that ‘We’ve got all the time in the world’ and when I contemplated on the sentence that had just slipped out, time suddenly stood still.
I stopped in mid-sentence and the ensuing silence caught the attention of my two companions.
It was all over, in an instant. (Vineeto, BecomingFree).
Ha, there will be no opportunity to ‘test’ if that stillness is safe, it is irrevocable.
This stillness which is, as you say “experienced through that “existential sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for good”. This stillness is “the essential character of the infinitude of the universe”, the be all and end all of everything apparent … “the intrinsic basis of everything. It is this universe at its genesis. It is not, as it might commonly be supposed, at the centre of everything … there is no centre here. This stillness, which is everywhere all at once, is the be all and end all of life itself. I am the universe experiencing itself as a sensate, reflective human being.” (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty-Five)
Every time I read this piece I am touched by the ever-freshness of the words and the experience of it; it is simply magnificent.
Just to add to this, it does seem like it will be ‘me’ who gives the permission in the end, but even that seems to be out of ‘my’ hands at this point? As in there is nothing else ‘I’ can do to “generate” that as such.
Ha it does get pretty tricky to describe these things at this point, precisely because of this - “one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.” I was doing some gymnastics for it to make sense and still not happy with the descriptions .
‘Me’ giving permission to have it happen now and it happening is one and the same thing.
Kuba: Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone!
OK so this has indeed been revealing itself, it’s interesting how nothing at all can/will remain hidden. It is certainly not a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep, initially I wanted to say that it is resentment and it is a similar flavour to this. It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’, the burden of living ‘my’ life, it is interesting that something like this still remains.
It seems that each day I successfully manage to get back to riding the wave of enjoyment and appreciation after this initial bump but it seems the root cause of it has remained unaddressed, the question is why is there this bump to get over in the first place.
A good way I could describe this feeling (and this mirrors what @henryyyyyyyyyy discovered in himself recently) is the difference between a “holiday atmosphere” and ‘my’ normal life. The difference between gay abandon and ‘surviving’.
Indeed this word has been on my mind a lot lately, in that ‘my’ core function is to be ‘surviving’ ‘my’ way through life, this is 180 degrees opposite to living in gay abandon.
‘I’ instinctually feel threatened and so ‘I’ am consistently dealing with ‘threats’, this is why life in the real world is a grim and glum business.
What I experienced this weekend gone was a peek into where I am proceeding, into what is possible. This week it seems those things which prevent experiencing life like so have been brought out into the open. As in it is clear that ‘surviving’ and living in gay abandon are in 2 different directions.
All in all experiencing these feelings now is nowhere near as intense and dramatic as it was a few weeks ago, it’s like those intensely passionate reactions have wore themselves out, ‘I’ cannot go back to resisting things in the same way anymore. ‘I’ am now just a nuisance to what would otherwise be a thoroughly delightful existence
A handful of times this week I experienced / was the “utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness”, each time it happened without any prompt. It is always amazing that no matter how good things are for ‘me’ when that “last layer” is peeled back it is as if a whole new dimension has taken place. The difference between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and actuality is so huge! I am reminded of what Richard wrote in that actuality has never known any threat nor ever will.
I can see now so clearly that all of the dramas that ‘I’ went through, they were simply the instinctual passions in operation, whatever specific way in which ‘I’ played those out was ultimately irrelevant, they were the screams of a dying ‘entity’ . And indeed this is how all ‘feeling beings’ operate, at core all the same, going about and blindly/automatically/instinctually becoming threatened by this or that. By the time ‘I’ as the thinker come into the situation those instinctual reactions have already happened, whatever explanation ‘I’ come up with at that point is ultimately meaningless.
It is neat to see this so clearly because that is why the actualism method works, by tracing back to the initial moment ‘I’ became triggered rather than spiralling around in those post facto explanations one is able to get back to feeling good. All of that ‘investigation’ that one is doing whilst feeling bad is just ‘me’ marinating around in sorrow and malice .
The other thing related to this is that I have become aware recently of just how much ‘human’ interaction happens on a level that has nothing at all to do with the ‘thinker/doer’, and it is the vast majority. It is quite breathtaking actually, and the weirdest thing is that as an identity one is largely blind to this. It makes complete sense now why for an actually free person the human condition is all out in the open, the various ‘me’s’ can try to hide it but ‘they’ cannot haha.
So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning, the middle and the end.
Vineeto: I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else?
Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway
Kuba: OK so this has indeed been revealing itself, it’s interesting how nothing at all can/will remain hidden. It is certainly not a seed from the last thought/ feeling before going to sleep, initially I wanted to say that it is resentment and it is a similar flavour to this. It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’, the burden of living ‘my’ life, it is interesting that something like this still remains.
Hi Kuba,
This is fascinating. So my curiosity has indeed produced something hidden.
What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion.
‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba.
Kuba: It seems that each day I successfully manage to get back to riding the wave of enjoyment and appreciation after this initial bump but it seems the root cause of it has remained unaddressed, the question is why is there this bump to get over in the first place.
A good way I could describe this feeling (and this mirrors what Henry discovered in himself recently) is the difference between a “holiday atmosphere” and ‘my’ normal life. The difference between gay abandon and ‘surviving’.
Indeed this word has been on my mind a lot lately, in that ‘my’ core function is to be ‘surviving’ ‘my’ way through life, this is 180 degrees opposite to living in gay abandon.
‘I’ instinctually feel threatened and so ‘I’ am consistently dealing with ‘threats’, this is why life in the real world is a grim and glum business.
Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise. And this insight is not merely a cognitive realisation but deeply felt at the depth of ‘me’. It appears, that with a bit of experiential reassurance (as you describe below is happening) ‘I’ can be confident that it won’t do any harm to the flesh-and-blood body Kuba when ‘I’ indeed lay down ‘my’ burden and let the universe live Kuba’s life.
In other words, ‘I’ am ready and willing, in fact eager, to cooperate with ‘my’ demise. The fight has ended.
Kuba: What I experienced this weekend gone was a peek into where I am proceeding, into what is possible. This week it seems those things which prevent experiencing life like so have been brought out into the open. As in it is clear that ‘surviving’ and living in gay abandon are in 2 different directions.
All in all experiencing these feelings now is nowhere near as intense and dramatic as it was a few weeks ago, it’s like those intensely passionate reactions have worn themselves out, ‘I’ cannot go back to resisting things in the same way anymore. ‘I’ am now just a nuisance to what would otherwise be a thoroughly delightful existence.
A handful of times this week I experienced / was the “utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness”, each time it happened without any prompt. It is always amazing that no matter how good things are for ‘me’ when that “last layer” is peeled back it is as if a whole new dimension has taken place. The difference between a happy and harmless ‘me’ and actuality is so huge! I am reminded of what Richard wrote in that actuality has never known any threat nor ever will.
I can see now so clearly that all of the dramas that ‘I’ went through, they were simply the instinctual passions in operation, whatever specific way in which ‘I’ played those out was ultimately irrelevant, they were the screams of a dying ‘entity’ . And indeed this is how all ‘feeling beings’ operate, at core all the same, going about and blindly/automatically/instinctually becoming threatened by this or that. By the time ‘I’ as the thinker come into the situation those instinctual reactions have already happened, whatever explanation ‘I’ come up with at that point is ultimately meaningless.
It is neat to see this so clearly because that is why the actualism method works, by tracing back to the initial moment ‘I’ became triggered rather than spiralling around in those post facto explanations one is able to get back to feeling good. All of that ‘investigation’ that one is doing whilst feeling bad is just ‘me’ marinating around in sorrow and malice .
This is a wonderful report. And it all happens of its own accord.
Just remember that ‘I’ am now an ally.
Kuba: The other thing related to this is that I have become aware recently of just how much ‘human’ interaction happens on a level that has nothing at all to do with the ‘thinker/ doer’, and it is the vast majority. It is quite breathtaking actually, and the weirdest thing is that as an identity one is largely blind to this. It makes complete sense now why for an actually free person the human condition is all out in the open, the various ‘me’s’ can try to hide it but ‘they’ cannot haha.
So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning, the middle and the end. (link)
Yes, that is correct in a general sense, and that was the very reason feeling being ‘Vineeto’ always felt uneasy when interacting with Richard – as I told you a while ago –
Kuba:Oh I will just add, Vineeto, when I wrote the other posts there was some fear/ anxiety as to how you would respond – So yes clearly ‘I’ had something to hide, ‘I’ was afraid of ‘my’ hiding place being exposed. Vineeto: This is very perceptive of you.
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was often afraid for the same reason, that Richard would discover something ‘she’ wasn’t even aware ‘she’ was hiding. Despite our long acquaintance, this anxiety never completely disappeared until shortly before ‘she’ disappeared as a contingent ‘being’. However, the more ‘I’ became exposed, the less fear there was because there was less and less to hide. (link)
In actuality, an actually free person only meets flesh-and-blood bodies. Furthermore, pure intent guarantees one’s actions to always be benevolent and beneficent regardless of any ‘hidden secrets’ revealed.
Yes this is exactly correct! Driving home just now ‘I’ put this as an actual proposition to ‘myself’ - “Do ‘I’ want to go away on a holiday and never ever come back?”, the initial response was exactly that this is indeed what ‘I’ want, shortly following it was this sense of “but am ‘I’ allowed?”.
Yet as you wrote :
So not only is it a burden and against what ‘I’ wish for but on top of that it is a “ultimately useless enterprise” I know that there is ‘no-one’ stopping ‘me’ but ‘myself’ so the only thing left now is for ‘me’ to grant this permission, so yes indeed things are looking good!
It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making ‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’ side it didn’t always look so good . Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism.
In fact this whole situation makes me think of this video lol (especially when he gets bounced off the invisible wall, oh the amount of times ‘I’ did this ) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W1s49lmaaYs
Yes I can see this more and more these days, it was why I wrote :
So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning, the middle and the end.
‘I’ am the reason why this body and that body is here in the first place, without ‘me’ all this which is possible now could not have happened. It is only that now ‘I’ am no longer required, ‘my’ services are now a hindrance.
Those passions which are responsible for the wars, rapes, suicides etc were also a necessity to get life thus far, this is a fact. So ‘I’ retire with a “job well done”.
‘I’ am a passionate protector, ‘my’ job/burden being to ensure the continuation of the species. ‘I’ will not relinquish control over this body unless ‘I’ am completely sure that it will be better off without ‘me’.
So indeed ‘I’ will be an ally in all this, ‘I’ first became an ally when ‘I’ allowed pure intent to live ‘my’ life.
In fact seeing so clearly just what ‘I’ am means that it must be possible for ‘me’ to self-immolate. Of course the passionate protector can altruistically self immolate for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, that is what ‘I’ am, it is ‘my’ destiny.
Vineeto: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion.
‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba.
Kuba: Yes this is exactly correct! Driving home just now ‘I’ put this as an actual proposition to ‘myself’ – “Do ‘I’ want to go away on a holiday and never ever come back?”, the initial response was exactly that this is indeed what ‘I’ want, shortly following it was this sense of “but am ‘I’ allowed?”.
So are you giving yourself permission now?
Kuba: Yet as you wrote :
Vineeto: Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise
Kuba: So not only is it a burden and against what ‘I’ wish for but on top of that it is a “ultimately useless enterprise” I know that there is ‘no-one’ stopping ‘me’ but ‘myself’ so the only thing left now is for ‘me’ to grant this permission, so yes indeed things are looking good!
So are you giving yourself permission now?
Kuba: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making ‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’ side it didn’t always look so good . Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism. (link)
I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny.
You are not a person to be content with failure, or are you?
Kuba: Yes I can see this more and more these days, it was why I wrote :
So indeed ‘I’ did willingly expose ‘myself’ in all ‘my’ rotten glory, and continue to do so. It is no little thing that ‘I’ do to allow this. And there is no shame or blame to this, as Richard wrote there is no other way to come into the world, the human condition is what one is born with. Sincerity is the beginning, the middle and the end.
‘I’ am the reason why this body and that body is here in the first place, without ‘me’ all this which is possible now could not have happened. It is only that now ‘I’ am no longer required, ‘my’ services are now a hindrance.
Those passions which are responsible for the wars, rapes, suicides etc were also a necessity to get life thus far, this is a fact. So ‘I’ retire with a “job well done”.
So far so good.
Kuba: ‘I’ am a passionate protector, ‘my’ job/burden being to ensure the continuation of the species. ‘I’ will not relinquish control over this body unless ‘I’ am completely sure that it will be better off without ‘me’.
Ok, ok, but it reads as if ‘you’ wrote yourself a new script why ‘your’ existence has a continued purpose after all. I had the impression from your previous post (link) that ‘you’ are “completely sure that it will be better off without ‘me’”.
Kuba: So indeed ‘I’ will be an ally in all this, ‘I’ first became an ally when ‘I’ allowed pure intent to live ‘my’ life. (link)
Then why is this sentence written in future tense?
Wiggling? Addicted to the ‘invisible wall’ of that video? (link)
Kuba: In fact seeing so clearly just what ‘I’ am means that it must be possible for ‘me’ to self-immolate. Of course the passionate protector can altruistically self immolate for the benefit of this body, that body and everybody, that is what ‘I’ am, it is ‘my’ destiny. (link)
Ha, you just made my previous comments redundant – that’s the best way. Enjoy them anyway.
Yes there was something not quite there initially, I was going over it as you were writing your response. Experientially it seems I keep coming very very close, just then there was an inevitability to it, a green light to go ahead because of the recognition that it is ‘my’ destiny.
But I can see that it was ‘me’ who changed the lights to green, ‘I’ gave ‘myself’
permission.
It was only an “almost” though (twice), when this happens ‘I’ am not sure what else ‘I’ can do to make it a guarantee. I will update soon .
It is as if ‘I’ am still waiting for something outside of ‘me’ to “finalise the deal”. That ‘I’ get so close but then ‘I’ wait for something else to take over, it seems that is why it has only been an “almost” so far, ‘I’ stop when it counts the most.
Ah yes it looks that it is ‘me’ who takes that last delicious step, precisely where ‘I’ have been standing still!
I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end…
So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it.
This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind :
To repeat: ‘I’ am these instincts; these instincts are ‘my’ very ‘being’. Here is where ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ in the most direct form … all alone, forever separate from others. Here is where ‘me’ as ‘being’ is forever threatened, for ‘I’ should not ‘be’ at all.
I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’.
So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering.
So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being.
Just to add - although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’ am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting.
Vineeto: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. (…)
Kuba: I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end…
So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it.
This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind :
To repeat: ‘I’ am these instincts; these instincts are ‘my’ very ‘being’. Here is where ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ in the most direct form … all alone, forever separate from others. Here is where ‘me’ as ‘being’ is forever threatened, for ‘I’ should not ‘be’ at all. (Richard’s Journal, pg 166, Article Twenty-Three).
I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’.
So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/ allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering.
So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being.
Just to add – although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’ am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting. (link)
Hi Kuba,
So “the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” has come to fruition – you have seen ‘me’ at ‘my’ very core and understood existentially that there is no solution whatsoever but for ‘you’ to give permission to – something which both ‘you’ and you desire most.
It is very perspicacious to recognize that “‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’”, and you have so far stayed loyal to this pact. Now you refuse to suffer any longer and with this demonstrate that the pact is not unbreakable for everyone to do likewise.
One thing you have not yet spelt out today, yet I suspect it is always there in the background since you wrote it on March 8 this year –
Kuba: I was always resentful at the hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all, and yet ultimately ‘I’ could do not better. ‘I’ wanted so bad to ‘be’ the answer to all that and yet ‘my’ very being has always prevented this. My whole life there was this sense that something was off and yet I couldn’t put my finger on it, until I had that PCE at 18. In short what ‘I’ deeply and passionately care about is to be innocence personified. To live that which the PCE demonstrated and in doing so to offer (and demonstrate) a solid alternative to the “hypocrisy, the lack of equity, the ignorant irresponsibility and the harm that was being done by all”. [emphases added]. (link)
With the thrilling permission for ‘you’ to die and the passionate care to be innocence personified in place you have blessed set in motion your demise – nothing can go wrong.
Richard: ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. (…) The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, pg 168, Article Twenty-Three).
Yes it is, just a couple of days ago when I was so close to the actual world I was having these exact thoughts, that this is what I always wanted to be - innocence personified. Also it is such a joy these days to experience myself more and more as the near-innocence of naiveté, to be (as far as an identity can be) liking and likeable, caring and considerate, benevolent and beneficial.
It reminds me of Richard writing about someone undertaking a “challenge” to be nice to everybody for a day, and Richard finding it so odd/funny that it would be a challenge in the first place!
It is so nice to deal with customers at work and to be genuinely helpful, or to go teach some BJJ and see that those present are enjoying their time as well as drawing something beneficial from the interaction, to work at a hen party and facilitate a safe but fun atmosphere for all, to genuinely care for Sonya as a fellow human being. For all of the above to be an “of course”.
And these are all just the virtual benevolence and benignity, the best that ‘I’ can muster. It must be the most incredible thing to be that very benevolence and benignity, with no cap to it as such, no way to give to some and withdraw from others, and with the 100% certainty that nothing dirty could ever seep it’s way in.
I’m not scared of it anymore, it felt a bit too intimate initially to allow this near-innocence. That somehow people would find me weird, or too much or whatever, but I can see that it has been beneficial in every way.
Contemplating all this it’s kind of weird looking back to the real world, where apparently one has only the options of being ‘happy’ and selfish or unhappy and ‘selfless’. And actually it is so delightful to be harmless, happiness and harmless cannot be separated out, it is 1 delicious package.
.
.