Kub933's Journal

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1476

Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered!

So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions” ‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance - of what is keeping ‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission (which I have just averted this morning haha).

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Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!

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Vineeto: I am immensely pleased that you discovered “some kind of a resistance coming from ‘me’ because it is this “resistance” which is fuelling the weirdness.

Kuba: Yes I can see this clearly now, before it seems ‘I’ had split ‘myself’ off somewhat, in that there was ‘me’ wanting to proceed and then the “weirdness” appeared to be something other than ‘me’ that was blocking ‘me’, and yet this “weirdness” is being generated by ‘me’, that resistance is ‘me’.
Essentially there is some part of ‘me’ that is working overtime to sustain this drama, to stop ‘me’ from proceeding where ‘I’ wish to go. Catching onto the absurdity of this whole thing yesterday did something, because why would ‘I’ fight where pure intent is pulling ‘me’ when that is exactly what ‘I’ yearn for. I remember Peter writing that ‘I’ am a passionate protector of absolutely nothing at all, it’s a bit like that.
It seems there must be something that ‘I’ am still hiding though, something that ‘I’ am prepared to continue suffering for in order to keep it hidden. It feels as if pure intent is exposing ‘my’ best kept secret and ‘I’ am not ready for it to be divulged. That if it is to be exposed ‘I’ will be left so vulnerable and open to the world that ‘I’ will not be able to function.
I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide.

Hi Kuba,

It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it.

Kuba: But there is this other component to it, of why ‘I’ am always inclined to ‘do’ something, it is this deep feeling/belief that it is not enough to be me as-I-am. It’s interesting because I left school about 13 years ago and yet still to this day I have the same recurring dream of being back. When I moved from Poland to England at 12 it was a big shock for me, so much so that I completely shut myself off from everybody, for years I would not speak any more than a yes/no and I had absolutely no friends or social life of any description. The way I eventually climbed out of this hole was by getting into sports and “buying my way” into ‘being normal’ with achievements. But it seems this left a very deep and lasting impression on ‘me’. This sense that ‘I’ absolutely cannot exist without being ‘someone in particular’ with ‘something to offer’.

It doesn’t really matter, why – not a single person likes to be a nobody – and yet it is soo delicious.

Kuba: You wrote the other day if ‘I’ could give a guarantee that if ‘my’ question was resolved to ‘my’ satisfaction that ‘I’ would give ‘myself’ up there and then. It looks to me that whatever the root of this resistance is (and I am not yet sure what it is), it has the capacity to do that exactly.

The root of this resistance are your very survival instincts – ‘you’ don’t want to go extinct, despite ‘your’ yearning for oblivion.

It’s very understandable but by your own reporting you can hardly maintain yourself any longer.

Richard: With apperception operating more or less continuously in ‘my’ day-to day life, ‘I’ find it harder and harder to maintain credibility. ‘I’ am increasingly seen as the usurper, an alien entity inhabiting this body and taking on an identity of its own. Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness - apperception casts no shadows - ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer.
The day finally dawns when … (Richard’s Journal, Article Eighteen).

Vineeto: What a fascinating thrilling time you are having, traversing “this “desert of monumental proportions”” and yet knowing with utter certainty that you are “proceeding towards my destiny”, and that there is “absolutely nothing in that direction to go back to”.
Reading all this I was wondering if you perhaps are deeply influenced by these particular descriptions of Richard’s Journal – he was after all drawing from his experience of coming out of Spiritual Enlightenment /institutionalized insanity – such that they are what is now happening to you, especially as you also noticed that “it can switch (and yo-yo) in a matter of seconds – where now all of a sudden it’s as if none of that ever happened, and back and forth like that.”

Kuba: Yes I am most likely deeply influenced by these descriptions but I wonder now if I have somewhat appropriated this drama in order to justify/ validate this resistance. That there is clearly something in ‘me’ that is not yet fully ready to proceed and so ‘I’ can make it seem legitimate by framing it in line with those descriptions. Which if this is the case that is great news haha, because it means it can be way easier than ‘I’ have been making it!

Ah, that’s what I was thinking. :upside_down_face:

Kuba: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this.

I can understand that but this worry, as I said before, is beyond ‘your’ territory and a distraction. Remember what children get up to when they don’t want to go to bed? ‘You’ don’t want to go extinct.

Vineeto: ‘Vineeto’ deeply felt it many times in ‘her’ life, from the first moment when ‘she’ fell unconscious (due to low blood-pressure at the time). There was something so sweet, so enticing, so attractive, in those seconds before unconsciousness set in and similar in following events

Kuba: Yes that is interesting because I have had the same experience when for example I have been weight lifting heavy and would go light headed, it was obviously not a PCE and yet there was something so delicious in ‘me’ getting to disappear for a bit and yet the awareness of being alive continuing.

So you know this delicious feeling of taking a rest of ‘me’ … you can lean into that, that’s really what ‘I’ want, have a rest forever …

Kuba: [Edit] It seems those stories of it not being enough to be me as-I-am are furphies (link)

Ha, I am glad you can see that :blush:

Cheers Vineeto

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Kuba: But I cannot seem to shake this sense that it is to do with this deep fear of it not being enough to be me as-I-am. I remember watching one of the DVDs and a woman (I think Pamela or Grace) mentions how Richard would sit and look out the window for hours – this was like ‘my’ worst nightmare How could ‘I’ spend all that time and not ‘do’ something or ‘be’ someone, ‘my’ whole being would resist this.

Kuba: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours.
It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder.

I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it!

Kuba: The below is perhaps the most wonderful description that I can think of, this is what ‘I’ desire and yet it is so weird that clearly something in ‘me’ is resisting the possibility of living this :

[Vineeto]: “Since then I experience myself as what I am, not just this physical body but with particular qualities to the experiencing which to my own surprise I called ‘what I always wanted to be/what I have always been’ even though I have never lived it. For an analogy of how I experience what I am at core I have to go into the Greek mythology where people’s imagination had populated nature with nymphs, inherent/chthonic to springs or trees or groves. This experience of myself is very light and playful, as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events. I described it as being innocence personified. Sensuosity, sensuality and sexuality are as much part of what I am just as sexuality and abundance are happening in nature everywhere. As such I am no different to a tree, a rock, a spring, a mountain or a distant star and can truly say that I am the universe experiencing itself as this flesh and blood body. I am here to play, play in this abundant effervescent universe, innocent for the first time, carefree in gay abandon, forever fulfilled and exquisitely aware each moment again of the magic of both nature and the wonderful intimacy that is possible with another human being.
Needless to say that I am having the best time of my life…” (link)

Yes, I remember experiencing this, such an amazing experience – the discovering of this magical wonderland – that was right after my guardian had abdicated and I was home free.
[Edit]: Actually, it was the description after I became fully actually free.

Kuba: Weirdly enough ‘I’ am extremely optimistic about it being possible now… Even though clearly ‘I’ do not yet know the way forward. Because now I see that there is something that ‘I’ am doing/ being which prevents it from happening, which means this “something” can be uncovered!
So in short rather than soldiering through this “desert of monumental proportions” ‘I’ can continue allowing this ‘process’ and locate the root of the resistance – of what is keeping ‘me’ from allowing ‘my’ deeply yearned for oblivion, meanwhile avoiding getting drawn into any side mission (which I have just averted this morning haha). (link)

Ah, I am glad you decided not to follow the ‘dutiful’ suggestion of your ‘controller’/ ‘feeler’ – ‘they’ are up to no good.

Kuba: Ok so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!

Bullseye!

Cheers Vineeto

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Yes I fell for it again! Except this time I smelled a rat pretty quick. When I wrote those furphies out - and as gullible as I can be - even I wasn’t sold :laughing:

But it was reading back over the below which made it click :

I tried to find this someone/something who is apparently not allowing me and then I realised that I have already abandoned ‘humanity’ :laughing: So then it became clear… it is ‘my’ very survival instincts aka ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being that is the resistance, hence - “so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!”.

And what an amazing thing to discover this is! Indeed ‘I’ have been gullible all ‘my’ life, not only in believing in the authority of ‘human wisdom’ but in believing that the human condition is set in stone. I wrote in the past that ‘I’ am a coward, but actually I think it was the gullibility that came first :laughing: ‘I’ was a coward because ‘I’ fell hook, line and sinker for those beliefs in the first place. All along there was no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free, of dropping the burden that is ‘being’ itself. ‘I’ am the one (and only one) to allow ‘myself’ to go blessedly into oblivion. And ‘I’ already know without a shadow of a doubt that the world will be all the better for it.

I remember you wrote to me a while ago asking (to the effect of) - can you hear it yet? Indeed ‘I’ can now hear the sound of ‘my’ extinction approaching :grin:

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Lol no wonder it was more of a comedy than a drama for Geoffrey, and why the business of becoming actually free is not a serious business at all. All this over ‘someone’ that does not exist in actuality.

I can see what Richard meant when he wrote in his journal :

If it were not for all the suffering; the wars, the murders, the tortures, the rapes, the sadness, the loneliness, the grief, the depressions, the suicides, and the such-like, it would be entertainingly amusing … for the self does not exist in actuality. All this monstrous behaviour is about something fictitious.

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Vineeto: I am amazed you are still so gullible whenever the ever-diminishing identity suggests something not only against common sense but also directly contrary to the actualism method (enjoying and appreciating). It’s cute, isn’t it!

Kuba: Yes I fell for it again! Except this time I smelled a rat pretty quick. When I wrote those furphies out – and as gullible as I can be – even I wasn’t sold.

Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it such fun!

Kuba: But it was reading back over the below which made it click:

Kuba: Funnily enough yesterday I was watching a TV show with Sonya and I was amazed by 1 particular scene, it was nothing to do with what was going on in the story but rather it was the sunlight reflecting off the waves in the ocean, it looked like a sheet of sparkling gold covering the top of the water, it was so delicious to take it all in. This gives some slight answer as to how Richard could sit and look out the window for hours.

Just to put your mind at rest – Richard did many other things in his actually free life apart from sitting looking “out the window for hours”.

Kuba: It is more that ‘I’ feel ‘I’ am not allowed to do that (even though it is ‘my’ deepest desire to live like that), that some unspoken but apparently very important task has to be done instead. That continuing to be ‘me’ takes precedence over such delight and wonder.

Kuba: I tried to find this someone/ something who is apparently not allowing me and then I realised that I have already abandoned ‘humanity’. So then it became clear… it is ‘my’ very survival instincts aka ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being that is the resistance, hence – “so I see that at this point anything other than giving ‘myself’ permission to allow it to happen is a side mission!”
And what an amazing thing to discover this is!

Yes it is a wonderful discovery and possibly ‘your’ last. ‘You’ no longer will have to justify ‘your’ fictious existence.

Kuba: Indeed ‘I’ have been gullible all ‘my’ life, not only in believing in the authority of ‘human wisdom’ but in believing that the human condition is set in stone. I wrote in the past that ‘I’ am a coward, but actually I think it was the gullibility that came first ‘I’ was a coward because ‘I’ fell hook, line and sinker for those beliefs in the first place.

Before you accuse your ‘self’ of even more flaws, let me remind you that children are gullible by necessity because of the preset conditions they are born into without a handbook (or reading skills) to start off with. They have to believe what they are told.

It is an amazing feat to slowly extract oneself from this legacy of genetically endowed instinctual passions and feelings and the passed-on ‘wisdom’ of those who came before, and be able to sort out silly and sensible and even more so to become increasingly happy and harmless.

Kuba: All along there was no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free, of dropping the burden that is ‘being’ itself. ‘I’ am the one (and only one) to allow ‘myself’ to go blessedly into oblivion. And ‘I’ already know without a shadow of a doubt that the world will be all the better for it.

Indeed, after all the frightening, thrilling and daring experiences, in the end you find out that there is “no-one at all stopping ‘me’ from setting ‘myself’ free” – isn’t that in itself a hilarious proof of the benevolence of the universe and the beneficence of the human consciousness, which enables such revelation.

Kuba: I remember you wrote to me a while ago asking (to the effect of) – can you hear it yet? Indeed ‘I’ can now hear the sound of ‘my’ extinction approaching. (link)

I found it (22 Jan 2025) –

Vineeto: With no hope its opposites also disappear – doubt, disbelief, distrust and despair. Can you hear the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing yet? ♫♪ ♫ ♫♪
Your unshakeable thought that “it must be easy” is spot on. Look at all the reports, the point of transition was dead easy … and filled with the sweetness of pure intent. (link)

Yes, I can hear it too and this is wonderful to say the least.

Kuba: I wonder is the “secret” to do with the fact that ‘I’ am a fraud, and ‘I’ have always been a fraud. Because this rawness feels like this, it’s as if ‘I’ am going out to the world and screaming ‘my’ deepest secrets for everyone to know, and then ‘I’ just stand there with nowhere to hide.

Vineeto: Hi Kuba,
It’s worse than that – ‘your’ secret is that ‘you’ do not exist in actuality. And you already know it, hence the hesitancy to admit it.

Kuba: Lol no wonder it was more of a comedy than a drama for Geoffrey, and why the business of becoming actually free is not a serious business at all. All this over ‘someone’ that does not exist in actuality.

In the end when ‘you’ can see the irrefutable fact, it’s always hilarious, but it can nevertheless feel very serious while one is trying to make sense of this strange and sometimes absurd situation all humans find themselves in.

Kuba: I can see what Richard meant when he wrote in his journal:

Richard: If it were not for all the suffering; the wars, the murders, the tortures, the rapes, the sadness, the loneliness, the grief, the depressions, the suicides, and the such-like, it would be entertainingly amusing … for the self does not exist in actuality. All this monstrous behaviour is about something fictitious. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty-Seven). (link)

So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”?

Ah, what a joy!

Cheers Vineeto

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Haha well that is precisely on point, ‘I’ am just holding out in no man’s land at this point :laughing:

Driving to work last night I thought exactly that, I found ‘myself’ so far away from ‘home’, a bit like those sci-fi movies where the characters leave for some far away planet, but I had not landed in terra actualis yet either.

The fear or weirdness didn’t play much part though, it was more like “wow I have not been this far out yet”. For the first time there was this organic courage to proceed, it was thrilling. Because now having abandoned ‘humanity’ there was ‘no-one’ to go back to and ‘no-one’ to stop ‘me’ proceeding.
So then ‘I’ was completely on ‘my’ own but not alone, it was quite incredible because it was as if I had finally located some semblance of individuality/autonomy. I was happy to stand on my own two feet and to proceed on my own, finally I was proceeding like a pioneer!

I thought about the fact that there are currently only a dozen or so people on this planet that live in this place where I am proceeding, how odd! This new land is rather unpopulated so far :laughing:

But those individuals living there, they are exactly that - individuals. It is amazing to begin to locate a genuine individuality. I thought about you Vineeto that you actually do exist in this place where I am proceeding, where you are - “as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events”.

I thought how you have been inviting us to join the party. That there is nothing to loose but ‘my’ shackles, this makes a lot more sense now experientially, it seems very close indeed - as Richard wrote “so close as to be already here”.

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Vineeto: So now, that you know the secret – and have it confirmed by those who have left their ‘self’ behind – how long are you planning to hold out in no-man’s land against the overwhelming evidence, not to mention already hearing “the bells of joyous anticipation and celebration ringing”?

Kuba: Haha well that is precisely on point, ‘I’ am just holding out in no man’s land at this point
Driving to work last night I thought exactly that, I found ‘myself’ so far away from ‘home’, a bit like those sci-fi movies where the characters leave for some far away planet, but I had not landed in terra Actualis yet either.
The fear or weirdness didn’t play much part though, it was more like “wow I have not been this far out yet”. For the first time there was this organic courage to proceed, it was thrilling. Because now having abandoned ‘humanity’ there was ‘no-one’ to go back to and ‘no-one’ to stop ‘me’ proceeding.
So then ‘I’ was completely on ‘my’ own but not alone, it was quite incredible because it was as if I had finally located some semblance of individuality/ autonomy. I was happy to stand on my own two feet and to proceed on my own, finally I was proceeding like a pioneer!
I thought about the fact that there are currently only a dozen or so people on this planet that live in this place where I am proceeding, how odd! This new land is rather unpopulated so far
But those individuals living there, they are exactly that – individuals. It is amazing to begin to locate a genuine individuality. I thought about you Vineeto that you actually do exist in this place where I am proceeding, where you are – “as if living naked in the wilderness, utterly on my own and undeniably undefined by either people or events”.
I thought how you have been inviting us to join the party. That there is nothing to lose but ‘my’ shackles, this makes a lot more sense now experientially, it seems very close indeed – as Richard wrote “so close as to be already here”. (link)

Hi Kuba,

“So close as to be already here” … it looks like you are now savouring the ever-increasing splendour of ‘your’ approaching “blaze of glory” (Mailing List 'AF' Respondent No. 7 I have remarked before), moment by moment, hesitating only to savour it even more for all it’s worth.

Here is what I am reminded of –

Peter: Some time in the evening of a day of delightfully relaxed reminiscings, reflections and musings, I leaned forward wondering what it was like for Richard living in the actual world of people, things and events as distinct from living in a self-created illusionary bubble of one’s own making. Wondering about the nature of his experiencing, I suddenly became aware of a quite extraordinary sweetness – a sweetness that was palpable rather than feeling based. I heard the words ‘This is not only for me, this is for everybody’ as I was literally being bathed in this sweetness –>([R] tool tip)

–>([R] tool tip) Richard: (…) Accordingly, then, at the moment when Peter leaned forward, wondering as he did as to my experience of the actual, wondering as to the very nature of the actual, the brilliance of the atmospheric lighting fluctuated (as if household lighting was increasing/decreasing via a dimmer switch being turned up and down to a regular pulse) which alerted me to his imminence; as he came ever closer, experientially, the up-and-down brilliance fluctuation segued into a side-to-side resonance of atmospheric timbre (as if pulsing back-and-forth from the walls of a hollowed circular space) and acquainted me of his immanence; as he reported becoming aware of a quite extraordinary sweetness his features were suffused with a radiant glow (not dissimilar to a sunburnt face ruddy with gleaming epidermal heat); as he advised of being literally bathed in that palpable sweetness his shining face shimmered with bands of iridescent pinks and mauves, subtly chasing each other upward from bottom to top, which more than amply conveyed the radical range and extent of his experiencing; as he had profound intimation of words portraying the philanthropic nature of altruistic ‘self’-sacrifice he expressed how sweet ‘his’ ending was to be; he spoke with soft intensity of how ‘he’ would go gladly into a sweetness of such all-consuming magnitude, of how sweetful a demise it was such that no human could ever have possibly wished for; of how there was no (expected) fear so vast as to best be called dread whatsoever; of how there was no darkness, no blackness, no abyss, no whatever, at all but, instead, only this incredible all-encompassing sweetness to go blessedly (my word not his) into oblivion with.
Then he gently withdrew from where he was separated only by the flimsiest of films from my actual presence, leisurely departed from those environs immediately in the surrounds of his bubble of actuality, gradually left me on my own again in this actual world; his features gently reverted to normal, his face leisurely took on its typical mien, gradually leaving me so as to once again be the man known to me so well; we chatted, easily, readily, about the significance of this (magical) episode like the two mates we unquestionably were; we spoke of our first meeting, a dozen or so years ago, where the moment he stepped out into the backyard patio, in the early evening of that night, there had been an instant recognition (of fate and destiny intertwined); we reminisced of how we had conversed about matters profound until two in the morning yet all he could recall was me saying how everyone had it all 180 degrees wrong; and of how my recollection was of him saying how people like him relied upon people like me to provide a road-map to the pristine paradise this verdant and azure planet indubitably is. (…)

Peter: This all-consuming experience of sweetness lasted perhaps less that a minute but this precursor left me with the utter confidence to proceed further into the actual world – indeed it was so seductive an experience that I was literally compelled to investigate further. Perhaps an hour or two later in an increasingly intimate ambience between us, I moved over to sit beside Richard on the couch as I wanted to be closer to him rather than talk over the coffee table that separated the two couches.
I happened to remember that Richard had often said that he had been on his own in the actual world (for 17 years to date) and that he would like someone else to join him in the actual world and not for his sake but to prove that he was not a freak-of-nature, as it were, but as definitive proof that global peace and harmony amongst human beings was indeed possible in that an individual actual freedom from malice and sorrow was a repeatable occurrence.
As I remembered where Richard was, I reached out and touched the side of his actual face with my fingers. As I tenderly stroked it, I ‘saw’ him as Robinson Crusoe – on his own but not lonely – on a tropical desert island, playfully content and self-sufficient, but ever casting an eye out lest a playmate hove in to view over the horizon.
In that moment I knew that Richard’s first playmate in the actual world of sensate delight would be a male best-mate playmate and that female playmates would then follow soon after. –>([R] tool tip)

–>([R] tool tip) Richard: (…) as Peter recalled me speaking often of being on my own for these last seventeen years, but never alone (let alone lonely) due to an actual intimacy, the fluctuations in atmospheric brilliance recommenced; as he remembered me speaking of looking to have somebody join me, here, as a demonstrative replication of my condition (thus no longer, arguably, a ‘freak of nature’), with the consequent probability of then ushering in a global peace and harmony, the up-and-down brilliance fluctuation segued in a familiar way into the side-to-side resonance of atmospheric timbre; just then, as he remembered how to find me, his hand came through that flimsiest of films (which completely enclosed and isolated his bubble of actuality from the real-world reality) and actually stroked the left-side of my face with the most perfect touch; it was a caress of absolute perfection such as could only occur when this particular feeling ‘being’, tenderly feeling the utmost caring possible per favour being the near-innocence of naiveté personified, was thus granted privileged access to slip part of their host body through a compliantly temporaneous rent in their veil.

Peter: After this, the sweet relaxed atmosphere that I experienced between us continued and became all-consuming as the “outside world” faded more and more in the background so as to completely disappear, as did the experience of time moving as I became more and more totally absorbed in the conversation and events unfolding, as it were. (The conclusion of this cliff-hanger including delightful tool tips in original). (Long Awaited Announcement)

Cheers Vineeto

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Oh wow yes savouring indeed, I can hardly contain myself haha. I was driving from the shops with Sonya yesterday and I had a smile glued permanently to my face :smile:. To see that in actual freedom there is only enjoyment and appreciation, the method makes perfect sense all of a sudden!

This morning ‘I’ have already said ‘my’ good-byes haha, now ‘I’ am happily anticipating what will happen next.

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Hi Kuba,

I couldn’t resist. Did you really only now find out why the actualism method makes perfect sense?

I had such a good laugh, thank you – and I am glad you understand experientially now.

Enjoying and appreciating is indeed the beginning, the middle and the end and more of it beyond the end – one need thorough practice to prepare for life in Terra Australis. :wink:

Just as it says on the forth scrolling banner of This Moment of Being Alive –

“The means to the end – an ongoing enjoyment and appreciation – are no different to the end.”

Bye, bye ‘Kuba’, it was great fun knowing you.

Cheers Vineeto

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OK so update on how things have been going as ‘I’ am still here :wave: :laughing:.

The best way I can describe where I find myself lately is what Srinath wrote here :

I went shopping with a friend later that morning. I was much minimised and in a magical world, but could clearly feel my presence there. I was clearly blocking intimacy with my friend and everyone else just by being there, I tried to get rid of ‘me’ somehow but could not do it. It seemed that something would happen and I had to now lie in wait and stay focussed on the ending in rapt attention. How that ‘last piece of pizza’ would go I didn’t know. I thought of that scene in the film Hellboy where the creature with the wings heals Hellboy and tells his girlfriend ‘I have done what I can… now give him a reason to live’

and

It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place. At that point I saw my girlfriend lying on the couch and once again I could see that what was separating us was ‘me’. I went out to the balcony and looked down and saw some people walking. I could see that even though everything was nearly perfect that last little bit of ‘me’ was there separating myself from everyone else on this planet and spoiling perfection. The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance

There really isn’t anything else ‘I’ can do now, there aren’t even any more problems to solve even if ‘I’ was to go looking for them. What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do! :laughing:

Experientially it is almost like it does not reflect my experience properly to use the scare quotes anymore? Of course ‘I’ am still a ‘self’ but now it would be precise to say that ‘I’ am ‘my’ passions and ‘my’ passions are ‘me’, it seems that is virtually all that is left of ‘me’, whereas before ‘I’ was a psychological operation on top of / arising out of those passions.

The main way that ‘I’ can tell that ‘I’ am still here is those very passions burning away, without them ‘I’ would no longer exist. Exactly as Srinath wrote - “It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place…The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance”.

So by all means this seems to be great news, because now it is only self-immolation that is left, the only other thing that can be done, there is literally nothing else I can do. There have been many times in the past week or so that it seemed like it could happen at any moment, like everything that I could do has been done and everything that could be in place to ensure it happens, has also been done.

So ‘I’ have been doing nothing, even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on because that is still something that ‘I’ would be doing. Basically it has been happening and ‘I’ have been doing nothing, being insubstantial ‘I’ cannot do anything anyways.

I think this is as much as I can write which accurately describes what has been going on. It seems something needs to trigger the altruism at this point?

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Kuba: OK so update on how things have been going as ‘I’ am still here .
The best way I can describe where I find myself lately is what Srinath wrote here : (snipped quotes)
There really isn’t anything else ‘I’ can do now, there aren’t even any more problems to solve even if ‘I’ was to go looking for them. What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do!
Experientially it is almost like it does not reflect my experience properly to use the scare quotes anymore? Of course ‘I’ am still a ‘self’ but now it would be precise to say that ‘I’ am ‘my’ passions and ‘my’ passions are ‘me’, it seems that is virtually all that is left of ‘me’, whereas before ‘I’ was a psychological operation on top of / arising out of those passions.
The main way that ‘I’ can tell that ‘I’ am still here is those very passions burning away, without them ‘I’ would no longer exist. Exactly as Srinath wrote – “It seemed like I was hanging on by a very thin thread that stayed firmly in place… The spoonful that weighed a tonne. ‘I’ would roar back into full existence creating havoc for this body and every body, given half a chance”.
So by all means this seems to be great news, because now it is only self-immolation that is left, the only other thing that can be done, there is literally nothing else I can do. There have been many times in the past week or so that it seemed like it could happen at any moment, like everything that I could do has been done and everything that could be in place to ensure it happens, has also been done.
So ‘I’ have been doing nothing, even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on because that is still something that ‘I’ would be doing. Basically it has been happening and ‘I’ have been doing nothing, being insubstantial ‘I’ cannot do anything anyways.
I think this is as much as I can write which accurately describes what has been going on. It seems something needs to trigger the altruism at this point? (link)

Hi Kuba,

What a wonderful report.

Even though you say “even “allowing it” does not seem to properly reflect what is going on”, you still have the opportunity to ‘lean into’ the growing stillness whenever it beckons. This seems to be a bit of a challenge (naturally), because further above you say “What a bummer, ‘I’ ran out of things to do!”

Perhaps this section of Richard’s journal can give you the reassurance that being still, doing nothing, savouring the “nothing to do” stage – without impatience, guilt, questioning or labelling it as something negative or something amiss – and instead fully embracing, welcoming, enjoying and appreciating every single moment. It will be now when it happens, you can’t miss it.

Richard: Pure intent is an actually occurring stream of benignity that originates in the purity that is the chief attribute of the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe … which is the life-giving foundation of all that is apparent. When one gives way to that, when one realises that ‘I’ cannot do it on ‘my’ own, that purity enables one to live one’s life as it is meant to be lived. One is meant to be benign, benevolent and blithe … life was not meant to be ugly, brutish and sorrowful. It is only when ‘I’ instinctually feel - and thus arrogantly think – that ‘I’ know better than the universe how life should be lived that the troubles and miseries begin. ‘I’ have arrogated responsibility with self-evidently disastrous results.
Pure intent absolves one from the duty to perform. The stream of life, which this moment in time and this place in space is, is the universe living itself as a sensate human being … and, as such, is capable of reflecting on its situation. One is supported by the universe - as it were – and one can do no harm. All this and more is indicative of having achieved a state of virtual freedom. After living in the condition of virtual freedom for sufficient time to absorb all the ramifications of a blithesome life, it is highly likely that the ultimate condition can happen. ‘I’ do not make it happen, because ‘I’ cannot make it happen. What is more … ‘I’ am not required to make it happen. An actual freedom happens of itself only when one is fully ready, and not before. One has to become acclimatised to benignity, benevolence and blitheness, because the purity of the actual is so powerful that it would “blow the fuses” if one was to venture into this territory ill-prepared. To precipitously apprehend the vast stillness of infinitude would be too much, too fast, too soon … one could go mad with the super-abundance of pleasure that pours forth. The in-built tendency of the universe to achieve the optimum knows best as to when the time is right. (Richard’s Journal, Article Twenty-Three).

Cheers Vineeto

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Ah yes thank you I understand this, I have been “leaning into it” indeed, and as you wrote there was a worry that perhaps I have missed something else that ‘I’ could be doing. I can see that this stillness which I can “lean into” is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear.
I could see this yesterday, that there is the ‘activity’ that happens inside of the psyche (the instinctual passions in operation) and yet in actuality there is the stillness, and it is always this moment.

It is something I am not yet accustomed to, to “lean into” that stillness, I could see yesterday that this stillness is where you write from. I noticed it around the “what is pure intent” discussion, that all this ‘psychic activity’ - which had us feeling beings jumping from one side to the other - you never experienced any of that, and you wrote from the stillness.

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Hi Kuba,

Yes, “this stillness … is all that is left when ‘I’ disappear.” And this is truly wonderful. ‘Stillness’ was the word I looked for in Richard’s journal when I found the quote I sent to you.

It is a privilege to be so deeply (apperceptively) understood.

Much appreciation, Kuba.

Cheers Vineeto

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Enjoying reading your reports Kuba. Godspeed for the end

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Things have been going so marvellously, I can’t quite believe the words I am typing out and yet this is precisely how I am experiencing being alive more and more. Yesterday for the majority of the day it was like this. The word that kept coming to my mind was that the entire world, including myself is a perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight.

And the word “jewel” is quite apt because it is exactly like that, in that the light shines through freely, highlighting the utter perfection of it all. The same thing happens to the whole world including myself when the ‘grimy’ energy of ‘me’ is out of the way, revealing the perfection that is all around as well as through and through.

At times I thought maybe I had become actually free and missed it, that is how perfect and pure it was. But each time I was able to find that %00.01 that still remained of ‘me’.

Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone!:laughing: It is all around still and it visited me again in full flavour as I was having a cigarette in the garden, all of a sudden the world is once more that perfect and pure jewel.

I spent the majority of the day yesterday driving around job to job through the English countryside, it was a glorious day and I can truly say that I was having the time of my life, in awe at this wonderful world that we live in. At times I was gobsmacked at the sheer delight of it all, I thought surely it cannot get more brilliant than this, and then there was more!

And indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience, as Srinath wrote it is our “rock solid inheritance”, it is where this body, that body and everybody actually exist. So there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world, that eventually I will turn around and the door back to ‘reality’ will disappear, it will have never existed in the first place, there will be nothing or ‘no-one’ to go back to. So this fear of “I am not good enough” was a furphy, because ‘I’ will not be around to decide such things😆

When I arrived at my second hen party yesterday I was able to interact with the group in a way that I never knew was possible. It was everything ‘I’ have ever wanted, to be able to be fun and playful, to have nothing of me hidden, and yet for it to be so safe for all. And the group appreciated this immensely, they couldn’t stop mentioning it!

So this left me with utter confidence that actual freedom is beneficial in every regard, there is no draw back. When ‘I’ disappear there is nothing missing, it’s not like someone has removed a piece of hardware from a system and now the operations have to be re-routed, it’s more like someone has deleted a virus😆.
Without ‘me’ this body has this organic integrity, it is all so seamless, how it should be.

It was great that I was able to confirm for myself that it is safe to proceed towards the perfection and purity both with regards to the physical world and to my interactions with my fellow human beings. In both cases the outcome is just marvellous in every regard. Yesterday I called it the “gift that keeps on giving”, except there is no cap to it, there is just more and more.

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Ah and now I can tell what was “missing” yesterday, the thing that is still to come, why it was not actual freedom yet - it is the stillness.

I have been experiencing it more and more, becoming accustomed to it. Finally I understood experientially what Richard meant when he wrote “I am the utter stillness of this body’s apperceptive awareness” - that is exactly what it is like.
I experienced it the other day when I was eating dinner, I don’t think I can add any more to Richard’s description.

So yes there is this perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight, that is what this world and this body is and yet there is still something else to come, which is the stillness. It seems the stillness is experienced through that “existential sense”, as in it is yet another “layer” that becomes apparent when ‘I’ take ‘my’ leave for good.

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Kuba: Things have been going so marvellously, I can’t quite believe the words I am typing out and yet this is precisely how I am experiencing being alive more and more. Yesterday for the majority of the day it was like this. The word that kept coming to my mind was that the entire world, including myself is a perfect and pure jewel of unadulterated delight.
And the word “jewel” is quite apt because it is exactly like that, in that the light shines through freely, highlighting the utter perfection of it all. The same thing happens to the whole world including myself when the ‘grimy’ energy of ‘me’ is out of the way, revealing the perfection that is all around, through and through.
At times I thought maybe I had become actually free and missed it, that is how perfect and pure it was. But each time I was able to find that %00.01 that still remained of ‘me’.
Having woken up in the morning now there is that usual flood of affect that typically fades away pretty soon, but even so it seems that this perfection and purity does not leave me alone! :laughing: It is all around still and it visited me again in full flavour as I was having a cigarette in the garden, all of a sudden the world is once more that perfect and pure jewel.
I spent the majority of the day yesterday driving around job to job through the English countryside, it was a glorious day and I can truly say that I was having the time of my life, in awe at this wonderful world that we live in. At times I was gobsmacked at the sheer delight of it all, I thought surely it cannot get more brilliant than this, and then there was more!
And indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience, as Srinath wrote it is our “rock solid inheritance”, it is where this body, that body and everybody actually exist. So there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world, that eventually I will turn around and the door back to ‘reality’ will disappear, it will have never existed in the first place, there will be nothing or ‘no-one’ to go back to. So this fear of “I am not good enough” was a furphy, because ‘I’ will not be around to decide such things😆
When I arrived at my second hen party yesterday I was able to interact with the group in a way that I never knew was possible. It was everything ‘I’ have ever wanted, to be able to be fun and playful, to have nothing of me hidden, and yet for it to be so safe for all. And the group appreciated this immensely, they couldn’t stop mentioning it!
So this left me with utter confidence that actual freedom is beneficial in every regard, there is no draw back. When ‘I’ disappear there is nothing missing, it’s not like someone has removed a piece of hardware from a system and now the operations have to be re-routed, it’s more like someone has deleted a virus😆.
Without ‘me’ this body has this organic integrity, it is all so seamless, how it should be.
It was great that I was able to confirm for myself that it is safe to proceed towards the perfection and purity both with regards to the physical world and to my interactions with my fellow human beings. In both cases the outcome is just marvellous in every regard. Yesterday I called it the “gift that keeps on giving”, except there is no cap to it, there is just more and more. (link)

Hi Kuba,

Your reports are becoming more and more marvellous and mirificent. And you describe that you have finally and irrevocably given yourself permission that it doesn’t matter if ‘you’ are ‘good enough’ or not because ‘you’ will gladly go into oblivion when ‘you’ are ready.

I am curious what it is which causes this “usual flood of affect”? Does the content of the affect give you any information before it “typically fades away”? Is it a seed from the last thought/feeling before going to sleep or something else?

Whatever it is, it is not something to worry or even search if the answer is not obvious because it will happen anyway. I particular like your description that “indeed this is better than a PCE because it is clear that the actual world is not an experience” because that was also ‘Vineeto’s’ experience in ‘her’ last days. It is dynamic, not static like a PCE.

Also when you say “there is the imminence and inevitability of landing irrevocably in this world” you are clearly reporting from the perspective of actuality, and as Richard described, you can’t distinguish if ‘you’ are doing it or if it is happening to ‘you’ –

Respondent No. 94: In my opinion you have to meet the dragons on their own turf.
Richard: As neither the dragons nor their turf are actual you do not have to do anything of the sort: just one short step and !poof! it is all over, done with, finished … the end. ‘Twas all an illusion/ delusion … I have been here, all along, simply having a ball. (Richard, AF List, No. 94a, 31 Dec 2005a)
Respondent: How short is that step?
Richard: That step is of an unmeasurable shortness due to an incapacity to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’ … as mentioned only recently in an e-mail to another:

• [Richard]: ‘… one has to want it like one has never wanted anything else before … so much so that all the instinctual passionate energy of desire, normally frittered away on petty desires, is fuelling and impelling/ propelling one into this thing and this thing only (‘impelling’ as in a pulling from the front and ‘propelling’ as in being pushed from behind). There is a ‘must’ to it (one must do it/it must happen) and a ‘will’ to it (one will do it/ it will happen) and one is both driven and drawn until there is an inevitability that sets in. Now it is unstoppable and all the above ceases of its own accord … one is unable to distinguish between ‘me’ doing it and it happening to ‘me’.
One has escaped one’s fate and achieved one’s destiny’. (Richard, AF List, Rick, 4 Jan 2006).
[Emphasis added]. (Richard, AF List, No. 106, 4 Jan 2006).

Cheers Vineeto

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Ha this makes a lot of sense experientially, that is exactly what it was like yesterday hence the wondering at times if maybe it happened already. It seemed it could happen at any moment and ‘I’ would not do it. But the step would be so small that I described it to myself as - ‘me’ forgetting that ‘I’ ever existed. That “echo” that ‘I’ am would play quieter and quieter, then it would periodically cut out but come back, each time more insubstantial though, until eventually the noise ceases completely and then ‘I’ would have never ‘been’ to begin with.

Yes indeed it is exactly like this, ‘I’ have done what ‘I’ can and now it is for the universe to “seal the deal” haha.

The only thing that obviously comes to mind is that when I first wake up the connection to the perfection and purity is not fully live, so for a little while ‘I’ am back to being ‘me’ but with no alternative. It does not seem to be connected to anything prior to falling asleep as I fall asleep in a good mood as standard, although I am having a lot of very intense dreams lately haha it seems something is certainly going on ‘in there’ :laughing:.

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