Kuba: What I can see is that there is some kind of an addiction to the apparent safety of ‘being’, of suffering. That ‘being’ those passions is somehow required for safety, for survival etc. It reminds me of something that Richard wrote in his journal haha :
Richard: Initially one is deathly afraid to actually be here now, as it can feel rather rudely raw … one feels more naked and exposed than taking off one’s clothing in the market place. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Twenty-Five, p. 182)
Hi Kuba,
‘I’ may feel insecure by ‘my’ very nature as ‘I’ am but a contingent ‘being’, a versatile chameleon of ever-changing passions. You are spot on, “passions is somehow required for safety, for survival”, ‘I’ cannot exist without passion, ‘I’ am those passions swirling around the vortex creating ‘my presence’. This very feeling of insecurity can be the doorway to freedom –
Richard: Fear – existential angst at finding oneself to be the contingent ‘being’ one always suspected oneself to be – is both the barrier and the way to freedom. Always included in fear is a thrilling aspect, and by focussing upon this and not fear itself, an energy gathers momentum which does the trick for one (thrilling as in an exciting sensation through the body, stirring, stimulating, electrifying, rousing, moving, gripping, hair-raising, riveting, joyful, pleasing, throbbing, trembling, tremulous, quivering, shivering, fluttering, shuddering and vibrating).
‘I’ cannot set ‘myself’ free … but ‘I’ can set in motion a process that will lead to ‘my’ eventual demise. (Richard, List B, No. 12a, 18 Jul 1998).
Alternatively, when there is no fear or anxiety barring the way, the very next paragraph from the one you quoted gives you a follow-up on how to proceed –
Richard: However, feeling rudely raw about the prospect of being here now is not the same as actually being here now. A feeling is not a fact; it is an identity’s interpretation of the actual and is therefore unreliable as a means of ascertaining the direct experience of being here now. Being here now is to be at the place and time where all is pristine. This pristine place is this, the actual world … and it is already always here. This actual world is original; unmarred, uncorrupted, unspoiled, spotless, fresh and perpetually new. It is alarming to feel this immaculateness – it is frightening in its immediate intimacy – which is why one backs off, initially denying its very existence. What happens though, if one takes the risk to actually be here now – instead of standing back and feeling it out in order to make up one’s mind – is that one discovers that oneself is also pristine. There is no differentiation between that something which is precious and me. I am that stillness experiencing itself … I am pristine, through and through.
By daring to be here now, by being me as-I-am, I have already ‘cleaned up’ all the pollution … by not being polluted at all in the first place. (Richard’s Journal, 1997, Article Twenty-Five)
In other words: allow feeling rudely raw until the feeling of being exposed dies down – then you can actually be here now. And this is magical.
Kuba: I just realised that ‘Vineeto’ did in fact experience being “naked and exposed” prior to ‘her’ self-immolation
Actually this is a perfect segue into a great example of this kind of feeling in ‘my’ life. Some of my work that I do on weekends involves being a life-drawing model for hen parties. So yes it involves stripping completely naked in front of a bunch of drunk women.
To enter such a situation with no ‘protection’ from ‘being’ or from the social identity is a great challenge and it’s something that ‘I’ have become pretty damn good at!
But this is exactly it – To stand naked and unadorned as this flesh and blood body, no pretence, no ‘being’. This is the challenge, the challenge to be actually intimate, the challenge to have no ‘hiding place’. (link)
Yes, the social constraints to being naked, and sexuality in general, provide the first barrier, on the social identity level, to be “naked and exposed” but it is the existential exposure of having nothing to hide which is the more frightening, and you are presently having fun exploring this challenge and discovering the delight of being more and more intimate.
On the same topic you wrote –
Kuba: Oh I will just add, Vineeto, when I wrote the other posts there was some fear/ anxiety as to how you would respond – So yes clearly ‘I’ had something to hide, ‘I’ was afraid of ‘my’ hiding place being exposed. (link)
This is very perceptive of you.
Feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was often afraid for the same reason, that Richard would discover something ‘she’ wasn’t even aware ‘she’ was hiding. Despite our long acquaintance, this anxiety never completely disappeared until shortly before ‘she’ disappeared as a contingent ‘being’. However, the more ‘I’ became exposed, the less fear there was because there was less and less to hide.
Yet despite your “fear/ anxiety” you always graciously inquire into the aspects which get revealed in our conversations, an indication that an actual freedom has priority over the possibility of ‘having egg on your face’, to use a colloquial term. This, amongst other things, is meant by ‘daring to care and caring to dare’.
Cheers Vineeto