Kub933's Journal

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion.

‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba.

I have been looking at this the past few days, initially I tried to somewhat ‘push past’ this feeling but I realised that this is just ‘me’ running into that ‘invisible wall’ over and over again haha. I also tried to ‘ride it out’ but I notice that this feeling, it has unlimited energy, it seems it has no end…

So then I changed my approach and began to consider that perhaps there is something to be found there, that perhaps this feeling contains the seed for ‘my’ undoing, so since last night I have been applying a fascinated attention to it.

This morning I looked at this feeling and found ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being. What Richard wrote came to mind :

To repeat: ‘I’ am these instincts; these instincts are ‘my’ very ‘being’. Here is where ‘I’ experience ‘myself’ in the most direct form … all alone, forever separate from others. Here is where ‘me’ as ‘being’ is forever threatened, for ‘I’ should not ‘be’ at all.

I have seen ‘myself’ like this before but this time I could see that the only way that this painful condition can end is for ‘me’ to die. Seeing this caused quite a strong visceral reaction in ‘me’, it sunk in exactly what has to happen, the only way out for ‘me’.

So the door to ‘my’ destiny, to what ‘I’ desire the most is guarded by ‘my’ fear of death. I can see that this is what all the various ‘me’s’ desire, to cease ‘being’, and yet ‘I’ am kept in place by ‘my’ fear of death. This is why ‘humanity’ has made a pact to venerate suffering, to suffer through life whilst waiting for death to release ‘me’. The way out of this predicament is available, but it requires something to be done that ‘I’ cannot quite fathom doing/allowing. The fear of death keeps both ‘me’ and ‘humanity’ in place, forever suffering.

So it seems ‘I’ am contemplating that which is “not permissible”, not so much by the ‘wisdom’ of ‘humanity’ but rather by the very force of ‘my’ being.

Just to add - although I wrote it is “not permissible” nevertheless it is exactly what ‘I’ am contemplating as an actual possibility, it is very thrilling, ‘I’ am going to die and this is exciting.