Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
I very much appreciate you helping me explore and understand what is going on.
Vineeto: The way you describe your symptoms it sounds like it’s time to abandon your internal ‘mother’, in other words, the moral and ethical rules, dogmas and concepts, which she has both inherited and passed onto you. It would also explain what you called being a ‘high achiever’ and perhaps why you have difficulty to both be a friend to yourself and to put everything on a ‘it doesn’t really matter’ basis.
Kuba: This is now getting to the very nitty-gritty of ‘me’, interesting that you also saw the link to the high achiever and the rest of it, I thought the same thing yesterday when writing the post. For some history of me… I was born premature and caught a chest infection immediately after birth, from what I am told I was on the verge of not making it for the first couple of weeks of my life! When I was well enough to be taken home my mother took a particularly nurturing approach towards me (understandably), she even breast fed me up to some rather ridiculous age, I think 6 or something, I slept in bed with her rather than on my own etc. And indeed we had a very tight bond, I do remember this from my younger years, it seems through this bond her psychological and psychic make up imprinted onto mine, and she was back then anxious, stressful and volatile far beyond what is called ‘normal’. At the same time though she held this notion that I was special, that I could do no wrong. We often joke about this with Sonya, that I could go rob a bank tomorrow and she would go round telling people what an enterprising young man I am. So what you called the “internal mother” this is actually a very core aspect of the persona that I am. And I am now becoming aware of just how much of my psychological and psychic make up I inherited from her, gosh I don’t even think I could distinguish between ‘me’ and the ‘internal mother’.
Hi Kuba,
Good, now you made a start – recognizing and acknowledging the fact “how much of my psychological and psychic make up” you inherited from your mother. You can probably already recognize particular aspects which stand in the way of ongoing enjoyment and appreciation. It’s not about making the ‘good’ or ‘right’ choice, but the one most sensible according to the circumstance in each particular situation – what’s in the way of an ongoing happiness and harmlessness?
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Vineeto: The resentment is the result of the fact of never, ever being able to be perfect. But wherefrom comes the demand of having to be perfect. And why do you still value this rule/ concept when it keeps making you miserable? Again, it’s to look at both sides of the equation – the bad feelings you don’t like and ‘good’ feelings you want to hang onto.
Kuba: Yes you really hit the nail on the head, thank you! I do live by this intrinsic command that I must be perfect at all times and in all situations. And in a way it reminds me of what Felix has described of himself on the forum, it’s taking this corrupted perfectionism and turning it onto actualism. But you see this is all currently muddled up for me, because in actualism I am seeking to evince perfection, as experienced in the PCE. I wish I had a different word for it, to distinguish between that perfectionism of the ‘internal mother’ and the perfection which I am looking to evince as an actualist. Perhaps it’s clear enough to distinguish between actual perfection and moral perfection? But then again Richard wrote that his responses are impeccable at all times, although I know this does not mean that he was immune to error…
So you see this is all muddled up for me currently, this ‘corrupted perfectionism’ is somehow tangled up with my goal as an actualist, which is to evince perfection and to eliminate any ‘dirt’.
If I may rephrase your description even though I know what you mean – “taking this corrupted perfectionism and turning it onto actualism”. I would rather say more accurately, keeping the “corrupted perfectionism” going by hiding it (including from yourself) behind an ‘actualistic’ veil.
What’s muddled up to differentiate is your understanding of what actual purity and perfection is – perfection (actuality) becomes apparent when ‘you’ get out of the way. That includes ‘you’ trying to be perfect. Also I think the word ‘evince’ adds to your confusion.
Evince – reveal the presence of (a quality or feeling); indicate. Synonyms: reveal, show, make clear, make plain, make obvious (Oxford Languages)
These definitions/ synonyms can be equivalent to making the actual world apparent, imitating actuality. Whereas the other half of the synonyms – make manifest, manifest, indicate, display, exhibit, demonstrate, be evidence of, evidence – do not. They describe ‘you’ actively attempting to manifest perfection, which is/has been ‘your’ modus operandi, thereby continuously confirming and re-enforcing ‘your’ existence.
Again, for emphasis, the perfection and purity of the actual world is already always existing and ‘your’ presence is obscuring it from becoming apparent. Your aim, looking for actuality, is to get out of the way wherever you can and instead naïvely allow pure intent to guide you. You probably remember Richard’s story when the painting painted itself (and ‘he’ sincerely could take no credit for it) or when the pottery made itself (link). You know from past experiences, it can happen in the blink of an eye.
Richard: Yes, about 23-25 years ago, when the ‘I’ who was made a living as an artist, ‘my’ greatest work came when ‘I’ disappeared and the painting painted itself (in what is sometimes known as an ‘aesthetic experience’) or the pottery threw itself. This is the difference between art and craft – and ‘I’ was very good as a craftsman – but craft became art only when ‘I’ was not present.
All art is initially a representation and, as such, is a reflection funnelled by the artist so that he/she can express what they are experiencing in order to see for themselves – and show to others – what is going on ‘behind the scenes’ as it were. However, when one is fully engrossed in the act of creativity – wherein the painting paints itself for example – the art-form takes on a life of its own and ceases to be a representation during the event.
It is its own actuality: one can only stand in amazement and wonder – which is not to negate the very essential patiently acquired skills and expertise – and this marvelling is what was experienced back when I was a normal person. It was this magical way of creativity that led ‘me’ into this whole investigation of life, the universe and what it is to be a human being. ‘I’ wanted to live life like these utter moments of artistic creation … ‘I’ wanted life to live itself just like the paintings painted themselves.
And thus here I am today as this flesh and blood body only. (Richard, AF List, No. 28, 15 Mar 2003)
I remembered a PCE I had years before I met Richard and learnt the term. Everything was perfect, peaceful, sparkling and still. I remember the thought that ‘oh, I just had to sit on the (same) park bench on the place right next to where I had been sitting’ as a metaphor for how I got here to this experience of purity and perfection.
Kuba: To add some more context to the above. On Tuesday I was asked to teach a BJJ class for a university club. The class was so busy that it was almost impossible for the participants to get any productive work done as they had no space. On the other hand I was acutely aware of the fact that I was there as some “big shot”, during the introductions my accolades were presented by the host etc. Really I was kind of uncomfortable with it all, I do like to relate to others as fellow human beings without all that other fluff… And yet at the same time I was kicking myself after the session finished because I had this acute feeling of having let them down, mostly because there was no space to get any productive work done, but I am sure that even if there was I would have found some fault with what I did, it would not have been ‘perfect’.
I think this is a good example of the kind of internal conflict which happens because of this 'corrupted perfectionism’. (link)
What most likely happened was not that “the class was so busy” which produced “this acute feeling of having let them down” in you, but the pride you felt when your “accolades were presented by the host”. If ‘you’ accept the praise, ‘you’ also accept the responsibility for the blame when it happens. They belong together.
I remember one correspondent from Mailing List B who is living in an ongoing altered state of consciousness, confirming that he was not only omnipotent but also infinitely responsible –
Respondent: I can do nothing, but I do everything. Omnipotence not only comes with the package, it is the package. I am infinitely responsible for I am responsible for each I that I create. I am responsible for being the action that are you, and I am responsible for the action that is I. (Richard, List B, No. 14c, 25 May 1999a).
You see, you cannot have the good (praise) without the bad (full responsibility).
Kuba: And the other thing, and this is rather hilarious but in a weird way… It looks like I have projected this ‘inner mother’ onto you Vineeto, an authority still but one that cannot ‘bite’. Well I am sure you can do without being ‘my’ psychic mother so I can only apologise and chalk it up to the human condition being weird and thus coming out of it being equally weird at times.
At least this thing is slowly but surely becoming undone now. (link)
Ah, it makes no difference to me but recognizing this and changing it makes a big difference to you.
Cheers Vineeto
. It’s so great to proceed now as a bona fide actualist, patiently dismantling whatever stands in the way of ongoing enjoyment and appreciation, it is indeed the “best game in town”. It is not about the investigation as an end in itself, it is that with each belief dismantled, with each habitual pattern left behind etc there is a palpable increase in happiness and harmlessness. Any genuine change ‘I’ get for keeps, the dividends are paid each moment again. I was thinking this when I was walking to the shops the other day, that it’s cool to develop a new skill in BJJ however the dividends are only paid when I go to practice BJJ, actualism is even better than that, any genuine change I benefit from each moment again for the rest of my life.
. It is instructive to read your response in Sonya’s journal and be reminded of what harmlessness looks like.
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