Sonya: So, a while ago I wrote about feeling connected in the nurturing sense. I noticed I had the tendency to relate to people in a nurturing way. I have been noticing lately when I begin to do that and to nip it in the bud. I notice the good feelings come up, and the difference between a preference and a good feeling.
For example, my brother in law often comes back to our house for a week every 2 weeks or so. I noticed he tends not to have much time to cook himself dinner so I thought it would make more sense for him to join in on our dinners whenever he’d like. There was no nurturing feelings come up from this, it was a clean offer in which he could accept or decline as he pleases. There is no involvement from ‘me’ looking for the good feelings from nurture and on the opposite no bad feelings if he decides to decline my offer. So this has been some nice progress.
What I seem to still be stuck on, and this became startling clear last night, is that I am still feeling connected to Kuba in some other way. I am so easily and greatly effected by his vibe towards me.
Hi Sonya,
You start by saying you feel connected but what this ‘connection’ is comprised of that you want his approval – and when his mood/ vibes indicate he does not approve of you in certain situations, you are not feeling good. This quote from Richard might be informative –
>>Richard: My second wife would oft-times say to others how it was not always easy to live with me as ‘she’ was totally ignored (in ‘her’ view) by me. (Please note it is an impossibility to ignore anything at all which has no existence in actuality and how I do pay lip-service, just as I am now, to the apparent existence of any identity feeling itself to be real). What my second wife was really referring to is the total absence of any supportive identity rapport/ affective connection. (Richard, List D, No. 15, 12 Nov 2009).
In other words, the identity, being a contingent ‘being’, dependant on the confirmation of others to confirm ‘your’ existence is seeking this confirmation primarily from your live-in partner and therefore how you feel is dependent on this (positive) confirmation. As such you can nip in the bud the relating to people in a nurturing way but unless you understand the pattern of your dependancy you only shift the process of being acknowledged/ confirmed from one person to the other. Nipping in the bud only works when you have already understood the underlying cause in each situation, in this case dependency.
Here is something ‘Vineeto’ wrote about gaining more and more autonomy –
‘Vineeto’: Whenever fear arose of losing Peter or when I noticed that I started depending on his company for my happiness, I looked into those emotions to understand what exactly it was that I was afraid of. I could easily detect that my cherished tender instincts, my feelings of love, belonging and affection were the very cause of my fear and dependency. I found that I had to question every single one of my ideals and dreams about relationship, as well as my imaginations and hopes, expectations and principles to be able to become free of fear and to begin to become autonomous.
The fairy-tales that I had loved as a child and the heroic legends that I had read as a youth – all talked about love as the primary fulfilment in life and the ultimate goal … after the princess found prince charming ‘they lived happily ever after’. All the poetry that is written about love conveys the same picture, the bittersweet longing and a fulfilment that gives content and meaning to life. In reality I found that love meant that I wanted the other to determine, colour and fulfill my life and to guarantee my happiness – an obvious relegation of my responsibility for my own life and happiness. [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, Gary-c, 2.3.2001).
The whole section is worth reading. And another piece about autonomy instead of ‘being authentic’ –
‘Vineeto’: Yes, that is exactly what I mean. The longer I applied the method the easier it became to sit with the emotion that occurred, ponder it over, trace it to its source and, upon complete understanding, step out of it completely.
Respondent: It seems more authentic for me to communicate with others what I am upset about if I am getting upset. This is not to put a demand upon them or tell them that their behaviour must change. It is to openly communicate where my buttons are – not an attempt to blame others for my feelings – while I continue to investigate and clean myself up.
‘Vineeto’: I found that ‘me’ being ‘authentic’ was just as ‘self’-serving as being hypocritical. Being authentic is the new-age version of letting everyone around have a piece of one’s feelings. If you look at today’s authenticity-gurus such as Oprah Winfrey then you can see that the core of their teaching is how to be authentically ‘me’. That’s what people have always done down through the ages – the only difference now is that it has the modern stamp of approval by calling it loving your ‘true self’ – a shoddy mixture of Eastern spiritualism and pop psychology.
What is the real purpose of being authentic? What is the underlying reason for wanting to air my feelings? Why do I want someone else to know where my ‘buttons’ are? Why do I want others to be sensitive towards ‘me’?
Rather than being authentic towards others, I found it invaluable and imperative to be honest with myself, because without honesty and integrity I would have never found out ‘my’ tricks and cunning. ‘Me’ being honest and authentic with others invariably means that I am sharing my sad and grotty ‘self’ with others, which only serves to justify, maintain and perpetuate ‘me’.
The decision to clean oneself up is a unilateral decision – it involves no one else but me. As long as I expect respect, comfort, support, understanding or agreement from others in order to start the journey, I will be waiting forever. Actualism is a do it yourself and do it by yourself method. It is an immense freedom to realize that you are not beholden to anyone else to begin the actualism practice but that you can become free at your own pace and do so in complete autonomy and anonymity. [Emphasis added]. (Actualism, Vineeto, AF List, No. 37, 20.1.2002).
Sonya: I think it’s still the authority. I still relate to him in that sense and I have become entirely sick of it. How have I given up my own autonomy so easily to someone who is also another feeling being capable of being angry, lashing out etc. and not expecting him to do so? I see that I have put my life in his hands (whether he wanted it or not) trusting and expecting him to be gentle and kind 24/7. How unfair and how silly. As I am writing this it’s becoming more clear why I am so effected by his vibe towards me, I put how I am feeling into his hands, completely at his mercy to do with as he pleases. I have not taken control of my own life in that sense so when he does lash out I feel utterly helpless and it feels like the rug is ripped out from under my feet and I there is no continuing. All very dramatic and world ending. Maybe it won’t be so intense and all consuming if I didn’t put my life in his hands. (link)
Well, you don’t have much choice – about 99.9% of human beings are feeling beings with exactly the same predicament, including yourself. To blame the other never ever solves the problem, it only compounds it. Now that you noticed and acknowledged that you put your life and happiness in his hands (which is what love does), you can take your life into your own hands and be fully responsible for your own happiness and harmlessness, whatever the circumstances. That’s what actualism means, dedicate your life to be happy and harmless, eventually unconditionally so. And that is what you both set out to do at the start of your acquaintance, live together in peace and harmony, each cleaning themselves up to be able to do that. The latest spat between you and Kuba (link and following) only shows that each has still plenty to look at.
How about eradicating full-blown anger as Richard described here, i.e. when you feel anger rising, stop, don’t express nor suppress, get back to feeling good and then contemplate how your frustrated hopes and dreams have interfered with feeling good. Once you had some insights and sorted it out you can impart your findings and discoveries if you want to – but blaming the other for one’s frustration will never end the conflict for good.
Sonya: [Addendum]: It’s scary for me to contemplate doing this as it means severing our ‘relationship’. Of course, logically I can see the benefits and sense in it but to actually see it, want it completely 100%, and do it is a different action. (link)
I am not sure what you mean by “severing our ‘relationship’” – the way you phrased it sounds rather radical as in moving out, born of frustration. What you ideally want to do is change the way you are relating from a dependant, love-based possessive-demanding relating to a more naïve intimacy-based relating – from fellow human being to fellow human being, who both basically share the same aim – to live together in peace and harmony, and revel in the delights of enjoying each other’s company and shared intimacy.
Cheers Vineeto