Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for sharing the quote, this resentment that I carry though it has a slightly different flavour, or that’s what it looks like to me anyways… It’s like - “meh, everything is stupid”.
To give an example, the other day I was excitedly telling Sonya how the cool art pieces she made with her friend look great on the wall, and as I sat back on the sofa to do so I knocked a cup of tea that was on the arm rest, an accident.
But I do not leave it as just an accident, rather it was a result of a “stupid system”, and off I went to create a more “efficient system” for the cups to rest on the sofa. Now the sofa has 2 wooden trays fixed to the arm-rest…
Although writing this now it’s something like this - I am uncomfortable with the feelings which arise when an accident happens or a mistake is made and in an attempt to escape those feelings I desperately try to create these “perfect systems”, it’s like a coping mechanism. Of course this is far from living naively, and I am not like this all the time but rather when something happens to trigger anxious feelings. Not to turn this into a therapy session but my mum was indeed severely punishing of mistakes made when we were young.
So although this looks different initially it is still the same mechanism as what Richard described, the hurt which I am nursing is the fear of punishment at a mistake made, and my mission for justice is to turn the world into a well oiled machine where no mistake will ever be made and so I will be safe from ever being punished.
Hmm, I do recall exactly that feeling when the cup fell, it’s the anticipation of punishment and very quickly I flip this around into finding the fault with the set up, and then I can desperately design a system where no fault will ever be made. And after a lifetime of doing this I have now projected that drama onto the world, now “everything is stupid”.
But it does all seem to be a rather elaborate scheme to avoid the feeling of blame from another, it’s why I emotionally reacted to Sonya’s post the other day too. It’s like I am allergic to being blamed! That feeling of being blamed carries a promise with it… that something bad is to happen.
Aah and now I understand why I have always appreciated talking with you so much Vineeto, it’s like I said a while back that I know you will never ever ‘bite’. This 'bite’ is terrifying to me it seems.