Kub933's Journal

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Today it happened when I ran a bath and just as I got in this shift occurred, and magically I found myself in the world where “nothing dirty can get in”, the perfection and purity was undeniable, and in that experience I as this body am just as clean as the rest of the world. This aspect in particular is so delightful, that there is nothing ‘dirty’ anywhere to be found, not in the world and not in the body.
Vineeto: This is amusing in the way you described it…

Kuba: Lol I did not notice that at all, but it is quite amusing.

Hi Kuba,

Vineeto: … and it is indeed so that utter purity prevails here, of which the feeling of beauty is only a paltry imitation (plus it requires ugliness for comparison). And yet beauty is considered the highest value in the real world, equivalent to truth (Truth) – in spirituality – and in mathematics.

Kuba: So this is the other thing that I can see now, the role that the good feelings played in maintaining the dramas.
You wrote to me a while back :

Vineeto: Ah you recognized what caused “the morning resentments and the evening gloom” – according to Geoffrey’s metaphor “being lost in the woods nearby”. Naturally that also means you were not “spending the day-time in paradise”, they were feelings of a conditional happiness or perhaps good feelings. This paradise was a real-world paradise, not actuality or near-actuality. I can say this with confidence because if you had spent the day in actual “paradise” you would not have experienced “the evening gloom” and “morning resentments” day after day. The meaning you were looking for was not in the day-time “paradise”, those feelings ended when the conditions/ activities causing your happiness ended. As you said yourself – “it’s selling out”.

Kuba: I remember back then I took note of what you said but at the time I just couldn’t quite see how there could be any good feelings in there. But that is the thing with good feelings, they are seductive and as such they can be difficult to see for what they are. I see it clear as day now though, that the bad is indeed kept in place by the good. In fact this is a useful clue in general, that if one’s suspected ‘felicitous and innocuous’ feelings have one swinging from one side to the other then they are good feelings in disguise. Experiencing the utter purity of actuality I now have a solid reference to check whether there are indeed any good feelings going on.

You recently discovered one of the major ‘good’ feelings – hope –

Kuba: A few days ago I saw that the next step in the direction I was proceeding was to abandon hope. It took daring for sure, it meant no more “redemptive straws”, only extinction ahead. I found though that without hope, despair also took its leave. Without hope and despair to maintain ‘me’ I have found myself pulled ever closer to my destiny, which is more and more experienced to be right under my nose. (link)

This all-encompassing hope, which is the affective aspect of any expectation, ultimately the hope for ‘my’ survival, made the way clear to recognize that only extinction lies ahead and you had willingly, daringly abandoned this hope. Naturally also despair disappeared – there was nothing left worth fighting for, for ‘you’ that is. A wonderful cause for celebration and gay abandon.

Here is what Richard says about the ‘good’ feeling of hope –

Richard: To enable one to live in virtual freedom one can, among other things, renounce resentment. For the commitment to achieving peace-on-earth to become total, for it to become a complete devotion to effecting perfection, for it to become a dedication of oneself to the consummation of the freedom-of-the-moment, one gladly forsakes humankind’s ‘wisdom of old’. That ‘wisdom’ is a wishy-washy, part-time, lip-serving, casual approach to the ultimate goal. It is called ‘Hope’. All peoples are constantly exhorted to: ‘do not lose Hope’. But, as Hope is an impoverished proxy for the actual, the resentment remains. (…)
For thousands of years humankind has been struggling along, fumbling around in the dark for some miserable ray of light to act as a beacon to guide one’s way to perfection and peace. All of the philosophies and psychologies and all of the ideologies and theologies have not been able to deliver the goods. Peoples everywhere were forced to live on hope – and hope is a poor substitute for the exquisite purity of the actual. It is the complete eradication of sorrow and malice that is the essential pre-requisite for peace and harmony to prevail. One is then happy and harmless … and well equipped to face the now inaptly named ‘rigours of life’. One is able to make one’s way in the world with joy and delight, marvelling in wonder at the magnificence of being alive on this verdant planet. (Library, Hope)

As you can see hope is indeed a very powerful stumbling block to experience the already always existing perfection, and your daring to abandon it has born excellent results.

Kuba: But those good feelings they can be very slippery indeed!

Yes, the difficulty in spotting the ‘good’ feelings is because in the beginning one only sets out to rid oneself of the bad feelings of sorrow and fear, and with growing intent of malice. But the ‘good’ feelings are lumped together with enjoyment and even appreciation and it takes some sincere finding out the reasons for dipping below feeling good to discover that the search and attraction to ‘good’ feelings is more often than not the reason for disappointment, resentment, and bitter-sweet sorrow.

It was only in his tenth year of enlightenment that Richard discovered the vital role the highly revered ‘good’ feelings played in keeping him from breaking through to an actual freedom –

Richard: … I had to turn my sights upon the last thing that stood between me and an actual freedom. I would have to let go of the deeply ingrained concept of ‘The Good’. For this to happen I would have to eliminate ‘The Bad’ in me, or else I would be likely to go off the rails and run amok. Little did I realise that it was ‘The Good’ that kept ‘The Bad’ in place. I was soon to find this out. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, SC, Enlightenment Resumé, #ahimsa).

Kuba: I am reminded of the below :

Richard: What did not get included in those second and third paragraphs, regarding feeling-being ‘Grace’ and her rigorous gradations, was ‘her’ oft-repeated observation – regarding the onset of the third stage, on that range of naïveness, where ‘her’ gradation of ‘great’ related to sweetness – about a bifurcation manifesting where the instinctual tendency/ temptation was to veer off in the direction of love and its affectuous intimacy (due to a self-centric attractiveness towards feeling affectionate) as contrasted to a conscious choice being required so as to somehow have that sweetness then segue into a naïve intimacy via what ‘she’ described as ‘richness’ and graded as ‘excellent’. (Richard, List D, Martin, 6 Mar 2016).

This is an excellent example where the ‘good’ feeling is preventing you from experiencing the excellence of near-actual intimacy or the perfection and magic of actual intimacy. It requires diligent attentiveness at the start because it is not only instinctually ingrained but also habitually the automatic route to take when being close to your partner. Here is a reminder which might be helpful –

Richard: Actual intimacy – being here – does not come from love, for love stems from separation. The illusion of intimacy that love produces is but a meagre imitation of this direct experience of the actual. In this, the actual world, ‘I’, the personality, the subjectively experienced identity and self, have ceased to exist; whereas love accentuates, endorses and verifies ‘me’ as being real. And while ‘I’ am real, ‘I’ am relative to other, similarly afflicted, persons; vying for position and status in order to establish ‘my’ credentials … to verify ‘my’ very existence.
To be actually intimate is to be without separation … and therefore free from the need for love with its ever un-filled promise of Peace On Earth. I am not apart from the universe … I am the universe experiencing itself as a thinking, reflective human being. Whereas ‘I’ can never be intimate for ‘I’ am distanced from the actual by ‘my’ very ‘being’ … ‘I’ stand in the way of actual intimacy. The intimacy that ‘I’ as a personality can have, as a feeling – an emotion or a passion – for another in a relationship, pales into insignificance when compared with the actual intimacy of being the universe experiencing itself. There is no need for a relationship here. Relationship requires a separated identity in order to do the relating. By being what I am – ‘what’ not ‘who’ – I am not separate from the universe. This body is literally made of the very stuff of the universe … there is no difference whatsoever between this stuff and me. I am it. [Emphasis added]. (Richard’s Journal, Foreword, p. 16)

Kuba: The good feelings in question were not specifically “love and its affectuous intimacy” in my case but they “slipped in” unnoticed nevertheless. I know now that I am on the right track when I am no longer swinging from one side to the other (from the good to the bad, from hope to despair, from security to insecurity etc) which is exactly what is going on recently.

Well observed – it’s because ‘good’ and bad feelings are stemming from the same instinctual source, they are conjoined twins.

Kuba: But this is a good warning for others, that one has to be rigorous with regards to the content and quality of one’s affective experience, I mean in my case those good feelings went completely unnoticed, it took quite some time before I was able to pinpoint what was going on.

Now that you have become aware of the insidiousness of ‘good’ feelings you can have fun honing your skills to discover them sooner. ‘Vineeto’ found watching movies, especially those feel-good movies, an excellent training ground.

Kuba: To summarise the game ‘I’ was playing – ‘I’ was addicted to being saved, and round and round in circles ‘I’ went. (link)

That sums it up well – one at first only transfers ‘the saviour’, or ‘the method’ from one person/ objective to another until one finally realizes that an actual freedom from the whole of the human condition is a different ballgame altogether.

Cheers Vineeto

[Vineeto]

Syd: I had an opportunity to put Grace’s scale in practice back in November but (contrary to my confident expectations at start) I failed miserably at it, because I was so oblivious to my ‘bifurcation points’.
Although I wasn’t particularly attracted to her in the beginning … over time, several brief ‘physical sparks’ (which is just raw sexual arousal) would happen and I developed a seeking [desire] to make them permanent … which then, over weeks, segued into latching onto the euphoria associated with love (and this is what I think Richard refers to by “love and its affectuous intimacy”; also see his correspondence with Tarin). So yea, I think there are micro-bifurcations/ miniscule-bifurcations (libido) happening well before the euphoria of love comes into picture.
Not that one can “decline” libido as a feeling-being (not possible). So, I wonder how one would “handle” it? How does naiveté come into picture here? How does this all translate to actual experience between a man and a woman? (link)

Hi Syd,

As you say that you “developed a seeking [desire] to make them permanent” I would not call this merely a “miniscule-bifurcation” but the major reason why it slipped in unnoticed in the first place despite your best intentions. Again, it is the hope I wrote to Kuba about (link) which, unrecognized at the start, spoils the possible intimacy because, when hope is present ‘I’ am taking centre stage. Hence your best option is become aware of and fully acknowledge the hopeful expectation. It is far more than just “libido” or a minor slip-up. At the start of a new acquaintance-ship it is more often than not an occasion for all the hopes and dreams to slowly come to the surface, which now gives you the opportunity to examine those ‘good’ feelings of hopes and dreams as they unfold. Don’t let the expectation or ambition of quickly establishing grades of intimacy interfere with acknowledging the feelings which occur. Those investigations are all part and parcel of recognizing and dismantling the obstacles to less ‘self’-centric closeness. Nothing, but nothing can be swept under the carpet, or else it will crop up sooner or later –

Richard: It is the quality of pure intent which pulls one forward with impunity … pure intent transforms into action one’s determination to live a life full of gladness, peace and harmony with oneself, with a person of the other gender, and with all peoples. Pure intent produces total dedication – it is experienced as an irresistible enticement – and it makes it impossible not to do what is required (or to sweep an issue under the carpet and to let sleeping dogs lie) and to continue to conform to the long-failed dictates of the status-quo. Pure intent is not to be confused with being a ‘do-gooder’, or being full of ‘righteousness’, or being ‘moralistic’ or being ‘principled’. Pure intent is the quality that encompasses what morals and ethics aspire to but never reach. (Richard, List AF, Alan-a, 16 Sep 1999).

The way “naiveté come[s] into picture” is that with sincerity and naiveté you apply no moral or ethical or ‘actualistic’ judgements as to what feeling is occurring and therefore can apply unrestricted attentiveness –

Richard: All affective feelings are – quite simply – an hereditary occurrence, an inborn factor to be acutely aware of. No pride, no shame, nothing personal at stake … what is there, is naturally there. There is no clinging to the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) and no fleeing from the hostile and invidious, either (those that are hateful and fearful). A contemplative attention views all feelings as commensurate – nothing is suppressed and nothing is expressed – as attentiveness does not play favourites.
Attentiveness gets not infatuated with the good feelings nor sidesteps the bad as attentiveness is a non-feeling awareness; a sensuous attention. Attentiveness is not sentimental susceptibility for it does not get involved with affection or empathy or get hung up on mercurial imaginations and capricious intuitions or ephemeral auguries. Attentiveness does not register feelings and compare the validity of experience according to it ‘feeling right’ or ‘feeling wrong’. Attentiveness is an aesthetic alertness that takes place with minimised reference to self. With attentiveness one sees the internal world with blameless references to concepts like ‘my’ or ‘mine’. (Richard, Articles, Attentiveness, Sensuousness, Apperceptiveness).

Cheers Vineeto

[syd]

@Vineeto

At the start of a new acquaintance-ship it is more often than not an occasion for all the hopes and dreams to slowly come to the surface, which now gives you the opportunity to examine those ‘good’ feelings of hopes and dreams as they unfold.

Hi Vineeto, as the panic mounted to crescendo I made a clean break with her back in early December (this was a few days before the PCE on post #5). Although your entire response to me is accurate, this particular statement of yours (which captured the essense of it all) had me promptly e-mail her asking to resume our acquaintanceship while informing how emotions had me play for keeps rather than for fun thus spoiling the whole thing. If she’s still interested and accepts, I’ll as sincerely as possible look into everything that comes up as an obstacle to this “less ‘self’-centric closeness” in the context of man-woman intimacy. Based on the memory of the PCE, I already have an inkling of what success would be: enjoying what already unfolds in this very moment, without any regard for (immediate or distant) future.

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Now that you have become aware of the insidiousness of ‘good’ feelings you can have fun honing your skills to discover them sooner. ‘Vineeto’ found watching movies, especially those feel-good movies, an excellent training ground.

Oh yes I have been having fun honing in on this, I am fascinated by the fact that those good feelings, they are right there in all of ‘my’ dramas and indeed ‘humanity’s’ dramas. What a gigantic step to see this, but seeing this has taken the legs out from under those dramas, both the good and the bad was needed to maintain them.

At times I had this passing thought - “What is going to be left without those good feelings” in the sense that something precious would be missing, but this is not so at all. Yesterday I had a glimpse of what exists outside of both the good and the bad, and it left me speechless - it is a world filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight. I am experiencing the flavour of it as I type this message and there is certainly nothing missing haha!

@Vineeto

It was only in his tenth year of enlightenment that Richard discovered the vital role the highly revered ‘good’ feelings played in keeping him from breaking through to an actual freedom –

Richard: … I had to turn my sights upon the last thing that stood between me and an actual freedom. I would have to let go of the deeply ingrained concept of ‘The Good’. For this to happen I would have to eliminate ‘The Bad’ in me, or else I would be likely to go off the rails and run amok. Little did I realise that it was ‘The Good’ that kept ‘The Bad’ in place. I was soon to find this out. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, SC, Enlightenment Resumé, #ahimsa).

Yes this is fascinating - For me too the “last frontier” was ‘the good’, for it had kept the ‘the bad’ in place. I can understand what you mean now when you write :

@Vineeto

one at first only transfers ‘the saviour’, or ‘the method’ from one person/ objective to another until one finally realizes that an actual freedom from the whole of the human condition is a different ballgame altogether.

And the other thing, the proof of the pudding is that I am now consistently having a great time, for example I noticed a minute ago as I put down the phone to a customer that yet again it was a benign dealing, it’s all quite easy when ‘I’ am not mucking things up

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: Now that you have become aware of the insidiousness of ‘good’ feelings you can have fun honing your skills to discover them sooner. ‘Vineeto’ found watching movies, especially those feel-good movies, an excellent training ground.

Kuba: Oh yes I have been having fun honing in on this, I am fascinated by the fact that those good feelings, they are right there in all of ‘my’ dramas and indeed ‘humanity’s’ dramas. What a gigantic step to see this, but seeing this has taken the legs out from under those dramas, both the good and the bad was needed to maintain them.
At times I had this passing thought – “What is going to be left without those good feelings” in the sense that something precious would be missing, but this is not so at all. Yesterday I had a glimpse of what exists outside of both the good and the bad, and it left me speechless – it is a world filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight. I am experiencing the flavour of it as I type this message and there is certainly nothing missing haha!

Hi Kuba,

Indeed, the traditional wisdom is to cover up bad feelings and dullness with good feelings, and, of course, that never works on a permanent basis. The radical, in fact epoch-changing, aspect of Richard’s discovery is when ‘he’ examined the good, holy and highly revered feelings during his enlightenment period – first compassion and love, then the fantasy of the ‘Unborn and Undying’ spiritual dimension, i.e. immortality and with it the eternal hope for the survival of the soul, and finally pacifism, the bastion of both enlightenment and humanism.

Then it became eventually blindingly obvious that all of what we call the ‘Good’, determined by ‘good’ feelings, is as much originator and perpetuator of the ‘Bad’ as fear and aggression themselves. One simple example is to observe how many murders are committed justified by love/ jealousy/ possessiveness, and how wars made possible by aggression are coupled with desire for power/ safety and the fierce loyalty of the population. How can one consider loyalty, for example, as something beneficial when this perspective becomes clear!

Vineeto: It was only in his tenth year of enlightenment that Richard discovered the vital role the highly revered ‘good’ feelings played in keeping him from breaking through to an actual freedom –

Richard: … I had to turn my sights upon the last thing that stood between me and an actual freedom. I would have to let go of the deeply ingrained concept of ‘The Good’. For this to happen I would have to eliminate ‘The Bad’ in me, or else I would be likely to go off the rails and run amok. Little did I realise that it was ‘The Good’ that kept ‘The Bad’ in place. I was soon to find this out. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, SC, Enlightenment Resumé, #ahimsa).

In all fairness to Richard’s apparently long process of discovery – first, there was no precedent in human history and second there was this ensnarement of enlightenment aggrandising all the ‘good’ feelings and as such the ‘Self’ – hence the long journey of dismantling all of the good feelings. As he said a few times –

Richard: I thus found out via personal experience where I had been going wrong for eleven years … self-aggrandisement – as in ‘I AM love’ – is so seductive. (Richard, List B, No. 4a, #pacifist)

Kuba: Yes, this is fascinating – For me too the “last frontier” was ‘the good’, for it had kept the ‘the bad’ in place. I can understand what you mean now when you write :

Vineeto: one at first only transfers ‘the saviour’, or ‘the method’ from one person/ objective to another until one finally realizes that an actual freedom from the whole of the human condition is a different ballgame altogether.

Kuba: And the other thing, the proof of the pudding is that I am now consistently having a great time, for example I noticed a minute ago as I put down the phone to a customer that yet again it was a benign dealing, it’s all quite easy when ‘I’ am not mucking things up. (link)

This is wonderful to read – gone are the days of “the morning resentments and evening gloom” (28 Oct 2025) – making way for consistently, and I presume unconditionally, enjoying being alive. That is indeed the proof for having succeeded in getting to the root of the problem.

Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight” ?

Such a wonderous adventure.

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight” ?

I do remember the turning point where this fully clicked so I will write about this for now. It was during a conversation I had with Sonya (which she agreed for me to post up), I was actually surprised at myself when I said what I said, I discovered it at the same time as the words were said.

There was a disagreement, about the fact that I don’t tend to buy Christmas presents or engage in those types of bonding activities. I could see though that the issue for Sonya was far more than the presents themselves. I ascertained immediately that there was a good feeling in there, responsible for the bad that she was experiencing. The issue then became about caring, and whether I care.

Some time down the line Sonya mentioned that she cares about us because she cares for our happiness, and yet I could see that the “care for our happiness” was causing her to become upset, something was clearly amiss!

That is when it clicked, I saw that in the goal of “our happiness” she had unwittingly allowed nurture/love to slip into the equation, along with the various expectations, hopes, dreams etc.
This is when I said, something to the effect that “can you see that your goal of “our happiness” is actually the cause of this current lack of peace and harmony”.
Then it was all seen to be back to front, that the pursuit of “our happiness” (good feelings) was actively causing Sonya hurt and actively getting in the way of peace and harmony between us.

So this situation was where it all fully clicked, so it was more the outcome rather than the process. I will see if I can remember more of how this came about because I do remember that even before that - whilst we were in China - I was already starting to put those things together.

[Kub933]

@Vineeto

Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight” ?

Hmm it appears it might have been belonging, the apparent safety which inheres in it’s warmth. But this was only an entry point, because the pivotal thing was seeing the very intuitive concept of ‘the good’ for what it is. Which I see now as something like ‘humanity’s’ dirty secret, because of what underpins it. The PCE sealed the deal because neither the good nor the bad exists where ‘I’ am not.

But now it is like I cannot unseen it haha! It is everywhere, it is in every one of ‘my’ dramas and every one of ‘humanity’s’ dramas, the battle between good and evil, danger and safety, hope and despair etc is what keeps ‘humanity’ alive. It is only by going past / abandoning both the good and the bad that the immaculate perfection and pristine purity of this moment in time and this place in space becomes apparent. This last sentence takes some courage to write but it is how I experience it to take place exactly.

[Vineeto]

Vineeto: Just out of curiosity, do you recall which particular discovery, i.e. which of the ‘good’ feelings you investigated, happened to be the turning point to allow you live in this world “filled to the brim with magical anhedonic delight”?

Kuba: I do remember the turning point where this fully clicked so I will write about this for now. It was during a conversation I had with Sonya (which she agreed for me to post up), I was actually surprised at myself when I said what I said, I discovered it at the same time as the words were said.
There was a disagreement, about the fact that I don’t tend to buy Christmas presents or engage in those types of bonding activities. I could see though that the issue for Sonya was far more than the presents themselves. I ascertained immediately that there was a good feeling in there, responsible for the bad that she was experiencing. The issue then became about caring, and whether I care.
Some time down the line Sonya mentioned that she cares about us because she cares for our happiness, and yet I could see that the “care for our happiness” was causing her to become upset, something was clearly amiss!
That is when it clicked, I saw that in the goal of “our happiness” she had unwittingly allowed nurture/ love to slip into the equation, along with the various expectations, hopes, dreams etc.
This is when I said, something to the effect that “can you see that your goal of “our happiness” is actually the cause of this current lack of peace and harmony”.
Then it was all seen to be back to front, that the pursuit of “our happiness” (good feelings) was actively causing Sonya hurt and actively getting in the way of peace and harmony between us.
So this situation was where it all fully clicked, so it was more the outcome rather than the process. I will see if I can remember more of how this came about because I do remember that even before that – whilst we were in China – I was already starting to put those things together. (link)

Hi Kuba,

Thank you for this account. It is amazing how this demonstrated for you, and I guess eventually for her, that the feeling caring, so highly regarded in the real world, always has strings attached and thus spoils the genuine care that can/ could happen. Many correspondents over the years have attacked Richard and actualists in general for ‘not caring’ – some are collected in Flogged Misconceptions No. 2. It was excellent that you could show Sonya how her demand for caring has negative affective side-effects for both of you.

It took ‘Vineeto’ years to get an inkling of what Richard meant by actual caring. When ‘she’ really, experientially, understood the difference, ‘she’ was deeply shocked.

Richard: Hence it came to pass one fine evening that feeling-being ‘Vineeto’ realised, with a profound visceral impact, how ‘she’ had never actually cared – although ‘she’ certainly felt caring (in fact ‘she’ had a deeply-ingrained and ongoing feeling of caring about all the misery and mayhem) – and upon that realisation transforming itself into an actualisation (as per the intimacy-yearning processdetailed in the ‘Direct Route Mail-Out № 05 email part-quoted at the top of this page) it activated “a caring which is as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster” and there was indeed action which was not of ‘her’ doing … to wit: the ending of ‘her’ and all ‘her’ subterfuge and trickery (just to stay in keeping with the above wording purely for effect). [Emphasis added]. (Richard, List D, Srinath2, #intimacyyearning)

Richard: 1. When feeling-being ‘Vineeto’s everyday feeling of caring first shifted into what has since become known as a near-actual caring the qualitative difference was so marked in its effect ‘she’ initially mistook it to be an actual caring (as per ‘her’ memories of PCE’s). (Richard, List D, Srinath2, #near-actual-caring)

When you will read both posts to Srinath you can see that he too had difficulties wrapping his mind around the difference between feeling caring and actual / near-actual caring. It is not easy to question, let alone abandon, one of the most highly revered bastions of human civilisation. And there no benefit in just giving up caring unless one starts to experience something far better, as Richard demonstrated in the first quote above. It required the very visceral affective energy for ‘Vineeto’ to arrive at the “action which was not of ‘her’ doing”.

Kuba: Hmm it appears it might have been belonging, the apparent safety which inheres in its warmth. But this was only an entry point, because the pivotal thing was seeing the very intuitive concept of ‘the good’ for what it is. Which I see now as something like ‘humanity’s’ dirty secret, because of what underpins it. The PCE sealed the deal because neither the good nor the bad exists where ‘I’ am not.
But now it is like I cannot unseen it haha! It is everywhere, it is in every one of ‘my’ dramas and every one of ‘humanity’s’ dramas, the battle between good and evil, danger and safety, hope and despair etc is what keeps ‘humanity’ alive. It is only by going past / abandoning both the good and the bad that the immaculate perfection and pristine purity of this moment in time and this place in space becomes apparent. This last sentence takes some courage to write but it is how I experience it to take place exactly. (link)

I appreciate your report. I understand why you call the “concept of ‘the good’” “‘humanity’s’ dirty secret”, in hindsight – one can only see it when one is outside of ‘good’ and ‘evil’, and, as you say, one cannot make it unseen now that the veil is removed. It could have been the beginning of all the domino-pieces starting to fall (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MK1VPyx0gXg), and I remember your post regarding abandoning hope, which was one of those dominoes –

Kuba: A few days ago, I saw that the next step in the direction I was proceeding was to abandon hope. It took daring for sure, it meant no more “redemptive straws”, only extinction ahead. I found though that without hope, despair also took its leave. Without hope and despair to maintain ‘me’ I have found myself pulled ever closer to my destiny, which is more and more experienced to be right under my nose.
This is what is different now, that before the “no man’s land” was experienced almost with a hint of eerie, an alien land where nothing familiar to ‘me’ existed. Whereas now it is more along the lines of what Srinath wrote – that this magical (actual) world is our rock solid inheritance. So there has been a lot of wondrous contemplation along these lines as well as experientially coming closer and closer to the destination. (6 Dec 2025)

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

There is an experiencing happening lately which makes me think of the last of the winter’s frost melting away and the coming of spring with life bursting all around. Except it is those last vestiges of ‘me’ making way for the “utter fullness” [my attempt at a bit of art ].
It is very calm too, this is rather pleasing as it was a very intense period of digging and daring which lead to this place.

This utter fullness, it not only refers to the world, it also refers to the flesh and blood body called Kuba :

Richard: Voluntary ‘self’-sacrifice means an altruistic offering, a philanthropic contribution, a generous gift, a charitable donation, a magnanimous present; to devote and give over one’s being as a humane gratuity, an open-handed endowment, a munificent bequest, a kind-hearted benefaction. A sacrifice is the relinquishment of something valued or desired for the sake of something more important or worthy … it is the deliberate abandonment, relinquishment, forfeiture or loss for the sake of something illustrious, brilliant, extraordinary and excellent. It means to forgo, quit, vacate, discontinue, stop, cease or immolate so that one’s guerdon is to be able to be unrepressed, unconstrained, unselfconscious, uninhibited, unrestrained, unrestricted, uncontrolled, uncurbed, unchecked, unbridled, candid, outspoken, spontaneous, relaxed, informal, open, free and easy. As I have remarked before, ‘I’ go out in a blaze of glory.

This is what I glimpsed yesterday, that the flesh and blood body called Kuba has/is an organic integrity, there is a free flowing dignity intrinsic to what he is, whereas ‘I’ can never be that as ‘I’ am an identity. This is a difference not in degree but in kind, it’s a difference that ‘I’ can never ever possibly make up - this ‘I’ can also see without a shadow of a doubt now.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: There is an experiencing happening lately which makes me think of the last of the winter’s frost melting away and the coming of spring with life bursting all around. Except it is those last vestiges of ‘me’ making way for the “utter fullness” [my attempt at a bit of art ].
It is very calm too, this is rather pleasing as it was a very intense period of digging and daring which lead to this place.
This utter fullness, it not only refers to the world, it also refers to the flesh and blood body called Kuba :

Richard: Voluntary ‘self’-sacrifice means an altruistic offering, a philanthropic contribution, a generous gift, a charitable donation, a magnanimous present; to devote and give over one’s being as a humane gratuity, an open-handed endowment, a munificent bequest, a kind-hearted benefaction. A sacrifice is the relinquishment of something valued or desired for the sake of something more important or worthy … it is the deliberate abandonment, relinquishment, forfeiture or loss for the sake of something illustrious, brilliant, extraordinary and excellent. It means to forgo, quit, vacate, discontinue, stop, cease or immolate so that one’s guerdon is to be able to be unrepressed, unconstrained, unselfconscious, uninhibited, unrestrained, unrestricted, uncontrolled, uncurbed, unchecked, unbridled, candid, outspoken, spontaneous, relaxed, informal, open, free and easy. As I have remarked before, ‘I’ go out in a blaze of glory. [Emphasis by Kuba]. (Richard, List B, No. 33c, 23 June 2000).

Kuba: This is what I glimpsed yesterday, that the flesh and blood body called Kuba has/is an organic integrity, there is a free flowing dignity intrinsic to what he is, whereas ‘I’ can never be that as ‘I’ am an identity. This is a difference not in degree but in kind, it’s a difference that ‘I’ can never ever possibly make up – this ‘I’ can also see without a shadow of a doubt now.

Hi Kuba,

Ah, this is so wonderful and marvellous to read and it reminds me (of course) of a passage from your favourite book –

Richard: Mercilessly exposed in the bright light of awareness – apperception casts no shadows – ‘I’ can no longer find ‘my’ position tenable. ‘I’ can only live in obscuration, where ‘I’ lurk about, creating all sorts of mischief. ‘My’ time is speedily coming to an end, ‘I’ can barely maintain ‘myself’ any longer. (Richard’s Journal, Article 18, p. 135).

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Just a quick entry :

Richard: When the identity inhabiting this flesh-and-blood body in 1981 took ‘his’ first steps on what has become known as the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom from the human condition (i.e., from identity in toto) ‘he’ quickly ascertained that whilst ‘he’ could not stop people giving offence and/or being offensive what ‘he’ could stop was taking offence and/or being retributively offensive as ‘he’ knew of the tit-for-tat nature of the ever-recurring wars between neighbouring tribes in the New Guinea Highlands (what they called “pay-back” warfare) which stretched back millennia in the past such that the specific nature of the initial offence was lost forever in the mists of time…
…Obviously, someone had to ‘break the chain’ of such never-ending tit-for-tat feuding—else the term ‘mature adult’ was bereft of meaning—and ‘he’ could see that only unilateral action would do the trick. Accordingly, ‘he’ conceived of being akin to a sponge—absorbing all the rudeness, all the insults, all the slights (no knee-jerk reactionary rudeness; no retaliatory retorts; no keeping score, even, of past incidences)—and duly ‘wringing it out’, if necessary, from time-to-time were ‘he’ ever to become too full to absorb any more (which latter ploy was, curiously enough, never necessary).And it worked!

Ha so indeed this works, there has been a complete meltdown at work the past few days, which means my work days have been a continuous putting down of one phone from a disgruntled customer only to pick up another already waiting call.

I have observed how this works in the past, that the hurt would inevitably transfer, despite ‘my’ best efforts ‘I’ would eventually burst. I read this quote from Richard whilst flying back from China and it caught my attention so I have remembered it since. This particular situation which is happening at work at the moment has been perfect to test it out in practice. And indeed I have found that the sponge never needs be “wringed out”, I actually don’t understand how this is so, but it is so.

Full correspondence here - Richard's Selected Writing on Aggression

[Kub933]

@Kub933

And indeed I have found that the sponge never needs be “wringed out”, I actually don’t understand how this is so, but it is so.

Ah! To ‘be’ the sponge is to not take offence in the first place, the normal way is to resist/respond/react to the hurt being transferred and thus aggression is activated (‘I’ am under attack). Weird because at first I thought to ‘be’ the sponge would be like a pacifist, but pacifism is only needed where there is aggression in the first place.

[Kub933]

After the Actual Freedom Fund meeting we had a chance to chitchat abit about actualism itself, I do enjoy the live conversation format, it lends itself to being more “no nonsense” and down to earth.

We spoke about a few different things, firstly we arrived at the conclusion that I have a belief in place, that planning means anxiety. I was always inclined towards operating without a plan in place and I do enjoy living that way but somewhere in there I have come to resist when others would inevitably try to “rope me into” their plans. Because it was that they were now apparently pulling me into anxiety, indeed they may be planning in order to ease their own anxiety but I don’t have to become anxious too. To cut a long story short I can go along with their plans and enjoy and appreciate unconditionally anyways, to go without a plan is just a preference after-all. And I find that in practice what is sensible will sooner or later be done anyways. So this is just the perfect example of “paying lip service” whilst remaining happy and harmless.

The other notable thing for me was to hear Geoffrey reiterate what is done along the wide and wondrous path and then towards self-immolation. [paraphrasing] That one must take one’s entire psychological and psychic make up and firstly “make it whole”, when ‘I’ am “whole” then feeling good is a choice. To proceed towards self-immolation then is to find a way to take this “whole” and to give it away…
Which understanding the above it highlighted the various “rehearsals” of the past, the “fake it till you make it”. This can never ever work, ‘I’ can only go in ‘my’ totality.
We talked also of having the mettle to blaze one’s own trail and the perils of placing one’s trust in (any) authority. I do see that these things go hand in hand, the separated ‘me’ playing “fake it till you make it” and thus merely constructing maps out of other’s descriptions, then living those maps rather than having the mettle to take a step forward into the unknown.

Geoffrey mentioned - and I completely agree from my experience - that there is indeed benefit in having the mettle to take one’s own step, even if it lands one to a wall over and over. Because there is knowing and confidence which comes from this, even if it just says - “It is definitely not there”

Me and Sonya had a lovely weekend in London visiting some of her friends, I was actually invited to their “girl’s night” which was nice in itself to acknowledge, they feel comfortable in whatever “male presence” exists in me, to do so. Driving back I was (yet again) teeter-tottering on the edge of something out of this world. The vista was only the fields stretching before me, with the motorway littered with so many break-lights, they looked like embers. And the largesse of it all was so breathtaking, so spectacular. It was a glorious adventure to be here and doing this business called being alive.

Geoffrey mentioned that it is an easy step from being out from control and to an actual freedom, and indeed if the above kind of experiencing is a taste of what ‘being’ naivete is like then to remain in that place (dynamically) would make it not only easy but inevitable that actual freedom happens.

[Kub933]

@Kub933

Driving back I was (yet again) teeter-tottering on the edge of something out of this world. The vista was only the fields stretching before me, with the motorway littered with so many break-lights, they looked like embers. And the largesse of it all was so breathtaking, so spectacular. It was a glorious adventure to be here and doing this business called being alive.

I have been experiencing this flavour again today, I have been intent to find my way back to it over and over, and to discover how to allow it each moment again. I am reminded of what Vineeto wrote to me some time ago :

@Vineeto

Isn’t it amazing how pure intent can be so invisible/ intangible at times and yet when the connection is active by ‘your’ receptivity you wonder how you could go without it for so long (however short or long the gap was, it’s always too long, isn’t it? Have a look for that non-affective sweetness (link ), which comes about when appreciation is at its bestest. ‘Vineeto’, especially in ‘her’ last days, found it addictive, an elixir which at every breath provides the meaning of life in spades, experientially.

This last bit describes the flavour so well! It is exactly that - an elixir which at every breath provides the meaning of life in spades, experientially.

But I have tasted this flavour before and I have written about it before… Whether it exists or not and just how wonderful it is to experience, I have answers to those questions already.

The question is how to allow this flavour to live me, and this seems like a different ball-game altogether!

What I can see is that this flavour is not of ‘me’, which spells out why ‘I’ only dare to take a temporary outing towards it. To allow pure intent dynamically is to set ‘my’ demise in motion, no more rehearsals and no more possibility to go back.
That is the one-way ride, and indeed I can see that once set in motion it would not be stoppable.

And actually the question is not so much “how to” but rather - Do I want it?

[Kub933]

I remember Geoffrey mentioned in a video a while back that towards the end ‘he’ had these thoughts that ‘he’ would “leave the house keys behind and let them do what they want”.

This perfectly encapsulates what the next step seems to be for me. I have been having these thoughts lately that ‘me’ continuing to live ‘my’ life is somewhat past it’s expiry date, in the sense that there is nothing attractive about it, it’s like ‘I’ am hanging about for no good reason.

But this “leaving the keys behind”, this in itself is not ‘my’ self-immolation (yet), it is the step before, where ‘I’ give up the controls, where ‘I’ no longer live ‘my’ life but rather ‘I’ allow the universe to live this life. It is as far as I can see what the genuine out from control virtual freedom is all about.

And I have been looking at this possibility the past few days, it’s quite odd to contemplate for a ‘me’ who has been behind the wheel all this time.

I remember a warning Richard gave to a correspondent regarding such an action when ill prepared, because one could invite something other than pure intent. I mention this because it highlights just how extreme of an action this is, to “leave the keys behind”. And yet at the same time I cannot get away from the fact that this is the obvious next step, it’s the only step that seems worth taking at this point.

[Kub933]

Richard:
To live a virtual freedom one knowingly and deliberately imitates the actual inasmuch as is possible given that one is still human. It is the pure intent to ingenuously live the actual that imbues virtual freedom with its feeling of perfection and subsequent delight and joy. To be without this connection betwixt naiveté‚ and the perfection of the infinitude of this very material universe, then any freedom loses its dynamism, its lustre, its brilliance, its vivacity … its very here and now aliveness.

It is precisely this “dynamism” which is allowed when ‘I’ “leave the keys behind”. I wrote yesterday that this action is extreme for one could be inviting something else but actually I am certain that there is no danger here in terms of going off the rails in any kind of way.

The way Richard describes it above is exactly what I have found, that when ‘I’ am living ‘my’ life as the ‘do-er’ this “dynamism” is no more and it’s like a crucial ingredient has been taken away, nothing that ‘I’ can do can make up for it’s lack.

This is precisely what I mean that there is nothing attractive about the prospect of ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, because in that place the “dynamism” is lacking. It’s somewhat like living out a “Groundhog Day” over and over.

And then when the “dynamism” is active I could be doing anything at all and there is exactly this lustre, brilliance, vivacity, the very here and now aliveness. It transforms life into a wondrous adventure which could never ever get boring, it is experiencing life as if a child again. As the ‘do-er’ ‘my’ life is static and as the ‘be-er’ this moment is dynamic.

The trick is that ‘my’ life, which exists across the past-present-future with it’s various plans, schemes etc This can never be made dynamic, it is this moment which is dynamic. To allow the “dynamism” is to abandon ‘my’ life.

The other fascinating thing which I experienced yesterday when contemplating all this is that this moment is eternal whereas ‘my’ life has periodicity. ‘My’ life exists across the past-present-future, there is always a distance to travel from now to then, from here to there etc, this is actually very painful, it’s only experienced just how painful this is when it stops.

It’s weird because in the past when I read “enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive” it seemed like this moment was something fleeting, at times so very fleeting… But actually it is the present which is fleeting, this moment is eternal, it has no periodicity, no distance to travel between now and then. And last night I experienced exactly this, that daring to give up ‘my’ life is to no longer exist in this periodicity and instead to find oneself in this moment which is eternal, this is such an incredible freedom, to arrive before one starts, to no longer travel that painful psychological/psychic distance.

[Vineeto]

>Kuba:

>>Richard: To live a virtual freedom one knowingly and deliberately imitates the actual inasmuch as is possible given that one is still human. It is the pure intent to ingenuously live the actual that imbues virtual freedom with its feeling of perfection and subsequent delight and joy. To be without this connection betwixt naiveté‚ and the perfection of the infinitude of this very material universe, then any freedom loses its dynamism, its lustre, its brilliance, its vivacity … its very here and now aliveness. (Richard, AF List, No. 12b, 27 Feb 1999).

>Kuba: It is precisely this “dynamism” which is allowed when ‘I’ “leave the keys behind”. I wrote yesterday that this action is extreme for one could be inviting something else but actually I am certain that there is no danger here in terms of going off the rails in any kind of way.
The way Richard describes it above is exactly what I have found, that when ‘I’ am living ‘my’ life as the ‘do-er’ this “dynamism” is no more and it’s like a crucial ingredient has been taken away, nothing that ‘I’ can do can make up for it’s lack.
This is precisely what I mean that there is nothing attractive about the prospect of ‘me’ living ‘my’ life, because in that place the “dynamism” is lacking. It’s somewhat like living out a “Groundhog Day” over and over.
And then when the “dynamism” is active I could be doing anything at all and there is exactly this lustre, brilliance, vivacity, the very here and now aliveness. It transforms life into a wondrous adventure which could never ever get boring, it is experiencing life as if a child again. As the ‘do-er’ ‘my’ life is static and as the ‘be-er’ this moment is dynamic.
The trick is that ‘my’ life, which exists across the past-present-future with it’s various plans, schemes etc This can never be made dynamic, it is this moment which is dynamic. To allow the “dynamism” is to abandon ‘my’ life.
The other fascinating thing which I experienced yesterday when contemplating all this is that this moment is eternal whereas ‘my’ life has periodicity. ‘My’ life exists across the past-present-future, there is always a distance to travel from now to then, from here to there etc, this is actually very painful, it’s only experienced just how painful this is when it stops.
It’s weird because in the past when I read “enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive” it seemed like this moment was something fleeting, at times so very fleeting… But actually it is the present which is fleeting, this moment is eternal, it has no periodicity, no distance to travel between now and then. And last night I experienced exactly this, that daring to give up ‘my’ life is to no longer exist in this periodicity and instead to find oneself in this moment which is eternal, this is such an incredible freedom, to arrive before one starts, to no longer travel that painful psychological/psychic distance. (link)

Hi Kuba,

What an excellent experience and description.

Now you know experientially what actualism means –

>>Richard: The Name ‘Actualism’:
The direct experience that matter is not merely passive:
• [Richard]: ‘I chose the name ‘actualism’ rather simply from a dictionary definition which said that actualism was ‘the theory that matter is not merely passive (now rare)’. That was all … and I did not investigate any further for I did not want to know who formulated this theory. It was that description – and not the author’s theory – that appealed. And, as it said that its usage was now rare, I figured it was high-time it was brought out of obscurity, dusted off, re-vitalised … and set loose upon the world (including upon those who have a conditioned abhorrence of categories and labels) as a third alternative to materialism and spiritualism’. (Richard, AF List, No. 50, 5 Oct 2003).
(from Richard, Abditorium, Actualism)

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

I have this memory from childhood, I was probably 8 or so, and I was getting up for school. I remember it very clearly as the earliest memory of or perhaps even the very formation of ‘my’ resentment. I remember the heaviness that I experienced, to be expected to get up at a time I did not want to and to go to spend a day somewhere I didn’t want to be, doing things I did not want to, with people I did not want to be around, and yet get up I had to!

It was a very specific feeling which I know well, this sense of having to forcefully overcome this sense of inertia, fighting against something so heavy, with the entirety of ‘my’ being resisting and yet having to comply.

As far as I can see this is the very birth of ‘me’ as the ‘do-er’ of deeds, an entity under the control of a social identity. I could no longer be a kid but rather I was now forced to comply to the various tenets of society, indiscriminately. And I have lived as this ‘do-er’ since, heaving that load each day, in resentment.

I write this specifically because this morning it was like the bright light of awareness was penetrating into the very roots of this ‘do-er’ to see what ‘he’ consists of. And as the ‘do-er’ this resentment is ‘my’ primary flavour, the resentment is what keeps ‘me’ as the ‘do-er’ going, and what a tangled web ‘I’ have weaved for ‘myself’ since. And as that bright light of awareness was penetrating to the very root of the ‘do-er’ there was something underneath, but first the ‘do-er’ had to become “untangled”.

This sense of the ‘do-er’ being “untangled” was fascinating to observe, because it means that this “inertia” ‘I’ have been painfully overcoming was actually of ‘my’ own making! Essentially as the ‘do-er’ ‘I’ have been forcefully overcoming ‘my’ own resentment - that is what the ‘doing’ is all about. And so seeing that all this activity of the ‘do-er’ was not only painful but unnecessary there was a glimpse of what is underneath that, or perhaps what existed before that, which is naivete - where there is no “heavy lifting”, it is before all the “heavy lifting” of the ‘do-er’ - a different way of ‘being’.

What really stood out is just how different of a way of ‘being’ it is, it is not just a surface level change, this is dissolving something that ‘I’ have lived for perhaps 24 years and re-discovering something that was underneath it / before it. It really stood out to me that there is such radical change that can happen even before self-immolation. It makes the point for what has been discussed on this forum recently, that actualism is not merely a fanciful change in appearance, it is willingly exposing ‘my’ very hiding place and dissolving all which stands in the way of enjoyment and appreciation. This leads to actual change, not merely a new set of beliefs whilst ‘I’ remain statically the same.

[Andrew]

I appreciate you sharing this. It’s always a pleasure to read your posts and journey.

[Kub933]

Resentment…

It was fortunate that Andrew posted about his objections towards the universe yesterday because it made something clear to me, I have not eliminated resentment.

I thought I did in the past, but then I was kind of rushing through it all, like I was just breezing through a checklist, a sure sign that I was kidding myself.

Interestingly enough my resentment is not towards the universe, my resentment is towards “the world as it is and people as they are”. I have been very delighted today to just be able to admit this fully, to “grab the bugger by the throat”. There is already a sense of a weight being lifted off and a growing wonder and delight at being here, there is a clear way forward now. What a pernicious monkey to get off one’s back!

This is as far as it goes for now but I am very happy to have located this for now.