Hey Kuba, it was really interesting to read what you said about the possibility of having autism. Very coincidental too because it’s been a question for me too.
My housemate is a clinical psychologist and he is adamant that I have it. That being said, he knows I’m into actualism and considers it my “special subject” (akin to an autistic person having a fascination with trains lol). Leaving aside his judgemental views about actualism, he thinks I have level 1 autism - so high functioning but with some deficits.
I chatted about it briefly with Srinath - he was adamant that he doesn’t think I have it, that it’s overdiagnosed, and he considers it an attempt to put people in boxes (I don’t think he’ll mind me mentioning this). I spoke to my actual psychologist about it - she does think I’m “neurodivergent” and suggested we could do a full assessment.
From my point of view, I think if I do have it, it’s mild - I.e level 1” autism. A lot makes sense to me when I consider the possibility that I do have it (against the set criteria). I have always been…at odds with the way everyone else wants to do things I guess haha. Very high performing in some areas, but struggling with areas of life others would consider basic.
That being said, there is also childhood trauma there - but I think the autism hypothesis explains hypersensitivity to things in my childhood. As an example, having had 3 children already, my parents seemingly wanted to force me (with discipline, control…bordering on abuse) to be like they had been. They could not work out what to do other than to be harsh, and it wasn’t until I started to excel academically that they started to let me off the hook somewhat. I’ve come to realise my Mum is a narcissist and literally cannot empathise or care in a felt sense so that no doubt had an impact too. That doesn’t mean she didn’t carry out the role of “mother” - just that there wasn’t warmth/care.
I don’t wear any of this stuff too seriously - it’s something explanatory that can help pop a few bubbles of confusion, and it can help others understand too. But that’s about it.
When it comes to actualism, I’ve asked myself similar questions to you - regarding possible “deficits” that could be making it harder. As an example, I have not been one to find it easy to properly/deeply connect with others. I’m always running my own race haha.
So another fact might just be that “type A” thing, that we seem to share. I’ve always been “a man on a mission” - huge goals, driven, competitive, obsessional, self-castigating. The idea that this the best thing ever discovered and the most important thing to ever pursue (and I’m not saying those things aren’t true!) is also very enticing, and in turn kind of a stressful thing to not be able to just achieve on the spot.
What is really working for me at the moment is separating out my ideas about actualism (and my sense of identity around actualism), from the experimental side. I find the experimental side to be very gentle and fun, not requiring intense thought or obsession or analysis.
Otherwise, actualism becomes just a lofty goal like anything else (e.g wanting to be famous or a football player or rich) that almost serves as a form of dissociation and shows a desire to escape. A kind of future “dream” that keeps one forever motivated and….not feeling good.
But the autism thing, regardless of whether valid or not, really helped me to find a sense of friendliness towards myself lately - seeing that I am sensitive in some ways, like a kid. Counterintuitively, this sensitivity and care has taken me into feeling friendly and gentle - and further, a permission to be naive and childlike :). Something I could not access when I was being cruel to myself in the name of my ambition. This has changed things more than any amount of dedicated effort I applied in x years of being obsessed about actualism.
Cheers,
Felix