So driving home just now I realise that this whole problem only exists because ‘I’ still take ‘myself’ to be the epicentre of existence. That ‘I’ am that important for the whole world to notice that ‘I’ disappeared - here comes the messiah again lol.
Looks like there is more to that pride, ‘I’ want to be seen, to be important, and so ‘I’ cement ‘my’ existence.
I can see that it is possible to be anonymous, in fact the world wouldn’t even notice. It is more that ‘I’ have a stake in being “someone in particular”.
‘I’ do not wander off into exile because ‘I’ want to remain a ‘someone’ in relation to ‘others’. Going into the wonderland there is only anonymity.
It looks like this is it - ‘I’ am not ready yet to no longer be a ‘someone’.
Of course this makes so much sense, ‘I’ need ‘humanity’ to affirm the ‘who’ that ‘I’ am. In that wonderland there is no one to do that anymore.
This is rather silly and yet it seems to be the reason - pride and humility - ‘I’ don’t proceed into exile because ‘I’ want to be a ‘someone’.