So this whole out from control / not out from control saga that has been going on 
What I can say is that there was a qualitative shift last year and this qualitative shift has remained throughout. What changed then, has not unchanged, however it is as if ‘I’ the ‘controller’ have been trying to re-assert control or some semblance of control by habitually “doing what ‘I’ do”.
It took a long time to ween myself off this habit, but now that it has faded I can see that there has not been a further qualitative shift, that initial shift which took place has remained throughout.
What I can also see is essentially what Vineeto wrote to Claudiu a while back - That being out from control is not a leisurely club to hang out in. Of course this makes 100% sense now because what it means to be out from control is the very antithesis of having such a static plateau to hang out on. The very meaning of being out from control is that no such thing can exist. A more accurate description of it is that it is a dynamic phase which takes place en-route to ‘my’ self-immolation. The experience of being out from control is more to do with the lack of anything stable or static rather than chilling out on some rung on an imaginary ladder.
Essentially it is to say that being out from control is not a feather in ‘my’ cap, it’s more like ‘I’ am speedily loosing all ‘my’ feathers and ‘my’ cap
In fact it seems like the past year ‘I’ have been riding a bike down a hill and then habitually pedalling ‘my’ feet to match the speed lol