So I remember Leila shared some private correspondence she had with Geoffrey a while back regarding the need for validation. There was a certain phrase which Geoffrey used - Seeing ‘myself’ in the mirror of the eyes of ‘others’ - it is just like that.
It was nice to re-read through that message and indeed I notice this has been a core theme in my life :
Geoffrey: Regarding your “walking over boundaries”, on the forum for example, your conscious intention was never in doubt: it was to help. So you were distressed when people reacted poorly to some of your actions, because you only wanted to help! You might ask yourself though, whether what you really wanted was rather to appear helpful. To be seen as helpful. And as such accepted, validated…
But it’s not the slight disregard for people’s boundaries that is the issue, it’s this unexamined drive for validation…
Now you’re saying that you can’t feel good because there is this issue of what you think I or others on the forum think of you, or of what you think the neighbor thinks of you… In fact you’re saying you can’t feel good because you don’t feel validated (by I, others, or the neighbor)… or in your particular case because you don’t see yourself as a ‘good person’ in the mirror that I, others, and the neighbor seem to turn towards you (that this validation takes the form of being considered a ‘good person’ in your case - and not ‘successful’ or ‘brilliant’ or ‘beautiful’ or whatever - is to your merit btw). And surely, it must be the case that many unnamed others, in your life, have given or still give you that impression too. So at the root, your feeling good appears to depend on what you think people think of you, on the image of yourself you see in their eyes. I’m sure you’re seeing how unsatisfactory this is, or you wouldn’t have been interested in actualism, which is about unconditional happiness.
What stands out here most obviously is exactly what Geoffrey summed up with - seeing how unsatisfactory this whole game is. It’s like there is no way for this kind of involvement not to end up messy. Just the sheer amount of mental and emotional energy it takes to continually look for ‘my’ reflection in that mirror of others, to continually adjust ‘myself’ so that the reflection shows what ‘I’ need it to show, the constant questioning of ‘myself’, the need to assert ‘myself’ onto others so that the reflection is how ‘I’ want it to be etc. And all this simply so that ‘I’ can appear in a certain way.
But it seems this is not just about vanity, it is more that ‘my’ very existence requires such a mirror. It is like Richard wrote that - Pride and humility stands in the way of ceasing all self-centred activity. But this self-centred activity of maininting ‘myself’ is a burden for ‘me’. I am happy that I have managed to get this bugger by the throat now. I noticed that even resolving this whole business around being out from control removed some of this burden, with no label to live up to ‘I’ was freed to be more sincere and more naive. Now I see that it is possible to be anonymous - that choice is freely available.
It seems I still haven’t seen - beyond a shadow of a doubt - that I simply don’t want to play this game anymore, which is to say ‘I’ am not ready yet to give up being a ‘someone’ and instead to disappear into anonymity. Who would have thought that this is what the obstruction was haha.
Yesterday I had these very fascinating glimpses of what it means to be anonymous, it clarified what the goal is, what actual freedom is like. It is not like what ‘I’ have been imagining at all. It is the end of all self-centred activity, a blessed release into anonymity.
Whereas as the messiah, actual freedom would be like ‘my’ final form of recognition - of ‘being’ - of course this is the completely wrong direction.