Kub933's Journal

[Vineeto]

Kuba: If I have ever been close then this is it! The past couple of days there has definitely been a thrilling momentum not of ‘my’ doing. What is different this time around is that the destination which I am being pulled towards is right under my nose, here on earth. This is so much more down to earth than what was going on in the past. The kind of seeing which is happening more and more is exactly what I described a while ago in this post, essentially that in the final analysis ‘my’ existence is “all a play in emotive imaginative thought … an errant and vainglorious brain-pattern”. And with this seeing happening more and more I have been able to experientially confirm for myself just what it is that I am aiming for. And actual freedom (what I can glimpse / gather of it) is something far more down to earth than ‘I’ had imagined in the past, it’s not some weird state only available for the select few but rather how the universe intends all flesh and blood bodies to live, in fact all is already in place for this to be the case! To become actually free looks much more along the lines of “finally setting things right” or “allowing what is already here”, rather than achieving some special state – it’s all very down to earth basically.

Hi Kuba,

Isn’t it amazing that doing what is happening and “allowing what is already here” is so stunningly different to how ‘I’ have lived all of ‘my’ life that it is worth writing it out in detail with exclamation marks. That is power of the instinctual-social programming with its psychic-imaginative faculty, and one needs to slowly disentangle oneself from its grip and seriousness.

I enjoyed your childhood episode of somewhat recognizing then of “everything already happening” –

Kuba: Me and my brother used to say this to each other as little kids “you can’t be doing nothing you are sat down!”
This aspect of ‘doing’ nothing and yet everything already happening is exactly the current theme in ‘my’ progressive redundancy, or more ‘my’ progressive acceptance of already being redundant haha.
It took some getting used to at first, it still does, and yet it does deliver the goods when allowed. (link)

This is all part of delightfully rediscovering one’s childhood naiveté, only this time with adult sensibilities.

Kuba: I remember a while ago I commented about what I saw as Vineeto’s unyielding optimism, and her reply was essentially that – although she understands why I would see it that way, it is not actually optimism, it is simply that actual freedom is my destiny.

Here is what you are referring to –

Kuba: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making ‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’ side it didn’t always look so good. Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism.[Upload failed]
Vineeto: I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny. (12 Apr 2025)

Kuba: What I am describing above is exactly that kind of seeing, it is outside of optimism/ pessimism or belief/ disbelief, it is seeing that to live as a flesh and blood body only is exactly what we are all here for and everything is already in place for this to be the case. (link)

This “kind of seeing” is what Richard calls apperception and when it happens it confirms, each time again, where your destiny lies.

When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?

Cheers Vineeto

[Vineeto]

James: Thanks for pressing me on this Vineeto. I hit a wall on pure intent and self-immolation and came to an abrupt halt.
From memory I realized that pure intent is outside of ‘me’ so I can only access it that way. This seems to be where my block is. I need to see that this ‘me’ is not actual. I do know that intellectually but only experience it in a pce.

Hi James,

Have you considered that what you intellectually see “that this ‘me’ is not actual” could very well be the belief which is preventing you from accepting existentially [relating to ‘your’ very existence] that ‘you’ have to die, to disappear in your totality, in order to reach your destiny? One reason I am calling this a belief is that in a PCE the identity is in abeyance and therefore could not experience “that this ‘me’ is not actual”. Richard explained it this way –

Richard: To die means to die (extinct means not exist) … to die does not mean to continue to be in existence and ‘be attent to the totality’. ‘My’ question was: How on earth am ‘I’ to do this?
Co-Respondent: Elaborate this…
Richard: Given that ‘I’ knew, via direct experience, that ‘I’ could never, ever become perfect or be perfection … then the only thing ‘I’ could do – the only thing ‘I’ had to do – was die (psychologically and psychically self-immolate) so that the already always existing perfection could become apparent. So when I asked (as an open question) ‘how do ‘I’ do it?’ the essential character of the perfection of ‘the physical infinitude’ of this material universe was enabled by ‘my’ concurrence. (Richard, List B, No. 34a, 7 June 1999).

As Claudiu so eloquently described he had to fully comprehend that this is “not kid stuff”. Here is again Claudiu’s report from his visit to Geoffrey with additional emphasis –

Claudiu: Basically the way he [Geoffrey] put it is, what will happen in the universe if I physically die? Essentially nothing except this body is dead (most of it will continue as-is). And the point is that the only difference with self-immolating rather than dying, is that there is a body that will continue being conscious (and not fall into a coma or whatever). But for me it will be exactly the same as if the body physically died, no difference whatsoever for me – total extinction. That put the notion to rest that I would continue in any way after self-immolating.
He also really impressed upon me just how significant this is. It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride.
Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before. [Emphasis by me] (link)

In other words, as long as you intend to “disappear the feeling and I am free’ (link) and avoid the existential realisation that ‘self’-immolation is total extinction of everything you think and feel yourself to be, you will continue to “hit a wall on pure intent and self-immolation”. Telling yourself that ‘I’ am just a ‘ghost’ is not, and never will be, a fact for ‘you’.

Andrew put the actualism method in a nutshell –

Andrew: Minimising the malice and sorrow, while maximising the felicity and innocuous, IS minimising the entire ‘self’ automatically. (link)

And here is a more detailed summary to minimise ‘me’ –

Richard: Perhaps the following summary of the way the actualism method works in practice may be of assistance:

1. Activate sincerity so as to make possible a pure intent to bring about peace and harmony sooner rather than later.
2. Set the standard of experiencing, each moment again, as feeling felicitous/ innocuous to whatever degree humanly possible come-what-may.
3. Where felicity/ innocuity is not occurring find out why not.
4. Seeing the silliness at having those felicitous/ innocuous feelings be usurped, by either the negative or positive feelings, for whatever reason that might be automatically restores felicity/ innocuity.
5. Repeated occurrences of the same reason for felicity/ innocuity loss alerts pre-recognition of impending dissipation which enables pre-emption and ensures a more persistent felicity/ innocuity through habituation.
6. Habitual felicity/ innocuity, and its concomitant enjoyment and appreciation, facilitates naïve sensuosity … a consistent state of wide-eyed wonder, amazement, marvel, and delight.
7. That naiveté, in conjunction with felicitous/ innocuous sensuosity, being the nearest a ‘self’ can come to innocence, allows the overarching benignity and benevolence inherent to the infinitude this infinite and eternal and perpetual universe actually is to operate more and more freely.
8. With this intrinsic benignity and benevolence, which has nothing to do with ‘me’ and ‘my’ doings, freely operating one is the experiencing of what is happening … and the magical fairy-tale-like paradise, which this verdant and azure earth actually is, is sweetly apparent in all its scintillating brilliance.
9. But refrain from possessing it and making it your own … or else ‘twill vanish as softly as it appeared. (Richard, List AF, No. 118, 16 June 2006)

James: I need to see that to access pure intent means to have the intent to access the purity of a pce which is outside of ‘me’.
I do appreciate your guidance.
Correction: I do see and am experiencing now that the way to experience pure intent is to have the intent to access pure intent by remembering the purity of a pce. (link)

Pure intent is not, as may be believed, akin to the ‘Grace of God’ which, if invoked ‘correctly’, will “disappear the feeling and I am free’. (link).

Pure intent, when experienced, can provide the motivation and intention to minimise ‘you’ – i.e. malice and sorrow, compassion and desire – while maximising the felicitous feelings to the point where all of ‘me’ voluntarily and joyfully agree to go into oblivion. This process is experiential, not intellectual.

Respondent: I guess there are no shortcuts.
Richard: What I find telling – and this is a general observation – is just how much peoples object to being happy and harmless … the vast majority of the correspondence in the archives is, in fact, a cutting indictment on the human condition itself.
Do you realise – and this is a personal observation – you have just said, in effect, that you guess you will have to become a happy ‘being’ before you can become actually free from the human condition (as if were there a way to be thus free without having to do so you would not)?
Whereas it is actually such a delight to finally be able to be happy (and harmless) … and a relief. (Richard, AF List, No. 54, 27 Nov 2003).

Cheers Vineeto

[Kub933]

Hi Vineeto,

@Vineeto

When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?

Yes in fact I have! I was just observing this yesterday. ‘I’ have changed recently, actually this quote from Richard’s journal describes the change quite well :

Article 4 :

“Pure intent produces total dedication. It is experienced as an irresistible enticement. It makes it impossible not to do what is required, or to sweep an issue under the carpet, or to let sleeping dogs lie, or to continue to conform to the long-failed dictates of the status-quo. One finds oneself unable to neglect, or fail to care for, oneself or the other … or for the plants, if they need tending. One cannot ignore their plight. This glorious garden is a clearly visible example of how one can operate with oneself and another.”

I found something like a softness/tenderness in ‘me’ as well as a growing appreciation, especially with regards to people, which is where ‘I’ always struggled in the past. Actually it’s a very lovely change, it’s something deep in ‘me’ that has shifted and a certain severity and solemnity is being replaced with something more tender and sweet. It’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable.

And I was thinking yesterday why this change, is it that with what those moments of apperception show it is then impossible to go back to how ‘I’ was, that it is impossible not to appreciate and enjoy when it has been seen just how precious being alive is.

But yes as you say “When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do” - this is indeed happening. Yesterday after ‘I’ came back ‘I’ attempted to rush the process forward by going back to ‘doing’ and then basically some hours later I realised that this is a complete dead end. It’s forgetting that those moments of apperception happened precisely because ‘I’ got out of the way.

Actually it’s cool because (to use Geoffreys words) before ‘I’ tried to grasp the process the '“doorway” seemed to be indeed as big as the universe and then later once ‘I’ grasped it it became exactly “small and vanishing”.

[jamesjjoo]

I can only see anything I do now as a repeat of many times over many years. I am not quite sure of what I can do that will not be a repeat. Still looking.

[Andrew]

Hi James,

I have heard this before a long time ago, from my brother. His exact words almost, that he has explored it all. I came back and said you have only asked a single question, and not explored much at all! He suicided around a couple of years later.

There is indeed plenty you have going for you in your quest to “keep looking”.

Plenty of things which you haven’t asked yet. A whole heap which you can give yourself the space to feel and think about.

The post I made in my journal about shame, and the video I linked, really put something in perspective. That is there are certain “walls” that we have internally.

You have walls! Things which hurt to even think about looking at. Which is why you need to know that everyone here is on your side! Everyone reading your messages wants the best for you!

Adam’s point s about being your own best friend had two aspects, one that there is absolutely no internal “putting yourself down” (paraphrasing, there are many ways to say the gist of it), the second was wanting the very best for yourself and not letting yourself down!

There are questions and things to consider that will most likely be uncomfortable, but a good cry, and some exploration will be a new adventure.

I am sure there is territory that you can explore by firstly, being exceptionally kind to yourself, and secondly being courageous enough to get the very best for yourself. “Buy yourself some flowers”. I am just making that up, but I mean, if you were a looking to woo a partner, would a single question be enough? Would you just shower? Or would you also put on some aftershave?

How we treat ourselves in this adventure, is in fact, the entire adventure.

[jamesjjoo]

@Vineeto Earlier when I said ‘I can’t ‘ you said that maybe it’s really because ‘I don’t want to ‘ and not because I can’t. I don’t yet know why but this has stuck with me. Maybe I don’t want to even though I don’t know why. It could be that I can’t because I don’t want to.

This could be fear lurking which makes me feel like I can’t. Not sure exactly what it is. Still looking.

Actually, ‘I can’t ‘ because ‘I don’t want to’ does make sense because if I really wanted to then I could do it. I need to pinpoint why ‘I don’t want to.’ Fear is the most likely culprit.

[Andrew]

The only suggestion I can make is to keep posting in your journal what you find!

This issue of “shame” since yesterday had me waking up and seeing all sorts of things before I was even awake!

Posting is “low hanging “ effort. It’s easy to do, give some level of expression to your desire to be free.

I find it fuels my offline efforts. Others of always been able to point out something I was never going to see on my own. I had to accept this last year, but it also was a fire under my butt ! Why can others see things I can’t!

Well, turns out it’s always been a team sport. No one has gone “solo”.

[jamesjjoo]

Good suggestion Andrew, posting does keep me engaged. Otherwise I would dry up and blow away.

Its been good to see you active lately. Keep it up.

[Kub933]

Richard: Okay … this is important, vital, pivotal: ‘I’, the thinker, know that ‘I’ cannot do it … ‘I’ cannot disappear ‘myself’. Only the ‘utter fullness’ can, and the ‘utter fullness’ is ‘calling one’, each moment again, and it is only when ‘I’ fully comprehend – totally, completely, fundamentally – that to be living this ‘utter fullness’ is to be living ‘my’ destiny will one be able ‘to answer that call’.

More periods of apperceptiveness going on today, each time the shift happens I experience exactly that “utter fullness”, a world where ‘I’ play no role whatsoever and where everything is already happening. Even a brief glimpse serves as a reminder that ‘I’ am indeed redundant, utterly so!

Experientially I am quite familiar with the target now, I realise that in the past I actually had no clue what I was aiming for with regards to actual freedom so of course ‘I’ created imaginary targets and aimed for those.

Whereas now I have utmost confidence that the world glimpsed in those periods of apperceptiveness, the world of the “utter fullness”, is the correct target, it is the actual world where this body already exists without any input from ‘me’. There is also a surety that to live in the world of the “utter fullness” is my destiny, and it is already here.

It’s all very much of the flavour of what I wrote the other day - a sensation of ‘me’ not having happened yet and then that “utter fullness” is already here where it has been all this time, there is no lag, no void to fill, no hand-over time, actuality is already happening now. It is in fact even closer than under my nose haha!

Although the matter of “how will the deal be sealed” is still an experiential question mark.

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,

Vineeto: When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do, from periods of apperception, have you noticed any change in the intensity of ‘self’-centricity?

Kuba: Yes in fact I have! I was just observing this yesterday. ‘I’ have changed recently, actually this quote from Richard’s journal describes the change quite well :

Richard: “Pure intent produces total dedication. It is experienced as an irresistible enticement. It makes it impossible not to do what is required, or to sweep an issue under the carpet, or to let sleeping dogs lie, or to continue to conform to the long-failed dictates of the status-quo. One finds oneself unable to neglect, or fail to care for, oneself or the other … or for the plants, if they need tending. One cannot ignore their plight. This glorious garden is a clearly visible example of how one can operate with oneself and another.” (Richard’s Journal, Article 4).

I found something like a softness/ tenderness in ‘me’ as well as a growing appreciation, especially with regards to people, which is where ‘I’ always struggled in the past. Actually it’s a very lovely change, it’s something deep in ‘me’ that has shifted and a certain severity and solemnity is being replaced with something more tender and sweet. It’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable.
And I was thinking yesterday why this change, is it that with what those moments of apperception show it is then impossible to go back to how ‘I’ was, that it is impossible not to appreciate and enjoy when it has been seen just how precious being alive is.
But yes, as you say “When ‘I’ return, as ‘I’ frequently do” – this is indeed happening. Yesterday after ‘I’ came back ‘I’ attempted to rush the process forward by going back to ‘doing’ and then basically some hours later I realised that this is a complete dead end. It’s forgetting that those moments of apperception happened precisely because ‘I’ got out of the way.
Actually it’s cool because (to use Geoffrey’s words) before ‘I’ tried to grasp the process the “doorway” seemed to be indeed as big as the universe and then later once ‘I’ grasped it, it became exactly “small and vanishing”. (link)

Hi Kuba,

I appreciate your detailed description and the various insights you gained such as “it’s nice to be nice, to be liking and likeable”, also that when you resurrected the ‘doer’, the “doorway” became “small and vanishing”. It seems to me those changes happen without ‘your’ doing (when you allow it) and you often only notice in hindsight what happened, and slowly get used to the unfamiliar, different way of being.

Kuba: Experientially I am quite familiar with the target now, I realise that in the past I actually had no clue what I was aiming for with regards to actual freedom so of course ‘I’ created imaginary targets and aimed for those.
Whereas now I have utmost confidence that the world glimpsed in those periods of apperceptiveness, the world of the “utter fullness”, is the correct target, it is the actual world where this body already exists without any input from ‘me’. There is also a surety that to live in the world of the “utter fullness” is my destiny, and it is already here. (…)

Now that you have “utmost confidence” you are indeed aiming for the “correct target” (very, very important), have you pondered the question of irrevocability? – as in Claudiu’s report of Geoffrey’s words –

Claudiu: It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride. (link)

I am not necessarily suggesting you are on a “playground ride” but the very fact that ‘my’ demise will be irrevocable needs a clear, unwavering and unequivocal concurrence.

Richard: … Will one dare to venture into unknown territory? Will one devote oneself to becoming totally free of sorrow and malice? Will one become, for the first time, happy and harmless? When one sees the appalling misery and utter danger that lies in remaining ‘I’ and ‘me’, the psychological and psychic entities within the body, there is only one response … immediate and irrevocable action. With ‘I’ and ‘me’ extirpated, then – and only then – is there actual peace-on-earth. And this provides the possibility of a global peace … not that that matters all that much when one is autonomous. (Richard, List B, No. 19, #pacifism).

Kuba: Although the matter of “how will the deal be sealed” is still an experiential question mark. (link)

Your question will only be answered after it happened. I am reminded of a conversation I had with Claudiu –

Vineeto: I enjoyed reading your post “it’s no longer a “whether” I will self-immolate, but a “how will I do it?”
At this point even the “how will I do it?” is a distraction/ an excuse for putting it off – and I say this from ‘Vineeto’s’ experience. When you say !YES! with your whole being, it is no longer a question of ‘how’.
There is only action and the sweetness of pure intent to have it happen.
(Do you ask ‘how’ before you jump over a rivulet or before you open a window or crack an egg for breakfast?)
The relevant question at this point is “when” and the answer is easy – there is always only this moment. (Vineeto to Claudiu, 30 Sep 2024)

Cheers Vineeto

[Vineeto]

James: I can only see anything I do now as a repeat of many times over many years. I am not quite sure of what I can do that will not be a repeat. Still looking. (link)

Hi James,

You could have a look at which moment your enjoyment and appreciation flat-lined, in that nothing new came up but the same problem stubbornly appeared again and again. This is an indicator that something essential was overlooked, something that perhaps was too dear to be questioned.

James: Earlier when I said ‘I can’t’ you said that maybe it’s really because ‘I don’t want to’ and not because I can’t. I don’t yet know why but this has stuck with me. Maybe I don’t want to even though I don’t know why. It could be that I can’t because I don’t want to.
This could be fear lurking which makes me feel like I can’t. Not sure exactly what it is. Still looking.
Actually, ‘I can’t’ because ‘I don’t want to’ does make sense because if I really wanted to then I could do it. I need to pinpoint why ‘I don’t want to.’ Fear is the most likely culprit. (link).

When I said to you in my last post that “This process is experiential, not intellectual” I meant that you inquire into what is your emotional objection to being / becoming “a happy ‘being’” as Richard explained in this quote, and many others, regarding the actualism method (emphasis for your convenience) –

Respondent: I guess there are no shortcuts.
Richard: What I find telling – and this is a general observation – is just how much peoples object to being happy and harmless … the vast majority of the correspondence in the archives is, in fact, a cutting indictment on the human condition itself.
Do you realise – and this is a personal observation – you have just said, in effect, that you guess you will have to become a happy ‘being’ before you can become actually free from the human condition (as if were there a way to be thus free without having to do so you would not)?
Whereas it is actually such a delight to finally be able to be happy (and harmless) … and a relief. (Richard, AF List, No. 54, 27 Nov 2003).

“A happy ‘being’” means eventually being unconditionally happy and harmless for 23 hrs 59 min a day.

Then, when you become curious and fascinated and look for the trigger of what caused the last incident of not feeling good, it won’t be a theoretical guess (“most likely”) but a valid reason for sincerely exploring why a particular emotional obstacle is preventing you from feeling good.

Otherwise you would be only doing armchair philosophy.

Cheers Vineeto

[jamesjjoo]

Thank you for this wonderful reply Vineeto. I read it while having breakfast and then I realized what went wrong. I have been worrying about what little time I have left instead of enjoying and appreciating what time I do have.

Suddenly, my coffee tasted better and I enjoyed my breakfast instead of just going through the motions.