Vineeto: What I get from your answer – “It is the ‘weight’ of having to be ‘me’” – looks like good news to me. I hear you say that ‘I’ am tired of being ‘me’, ‘I’ want to retire, ‘I’ yearn to lay down ‘my’ burden, ‘I’ want to go into oblivion.
‘You’ are not 100% sure yet if ‘you’ are allowed to get ‘your’ wish but it goes into this direction, as in ‘I’ begin to consider the possibility that ‘I’ can indeed give up ‘my’ responsibility to look after the flesh-and-blood body called Kuba.
Kuba: Yes this is exactly correct! Driving home just now ‘I’ put this as an actual proposition to ‘myself’ – “Do ‘I’ want to go away on a holiday and never ever come back?”, the initial response was exactly that this is indeed what ‘I’ want, shortly following it was this sense of “but am ‘I’ allowed?”.
So are you giving yourself permission now?
Kuba: Yet as you wrote :
Vineeto: Well, all this gay abandon during most of your day makes it more and more clear to ‘you’ that ‘you’ keeping up the “weight” and “the burden of living ‘my’ life” is a purpose-less effort, an unrewarding task, an ultimately useless enterprise
Kuba: So not only is it a burden and against what ‘I’ wish for but on top of that it is a “ultimately useless enterprise” I know that there is ‘no-one’ stopping ‘me’ but ‘myself’ so the only thing left now is for ‘me’ to grant this permission, so yes indeed things are looking good!
So are you giving yourself permission now?
Kuba: It’s funny because in the past when ‘I’ was making ‘my’ way through the dramas it was very hard to tell at times if ‘I’ was heading in the right direction. It was very beneficial to have what ‘I’ experienced from you as this “unyielding optimism”, because from ‘my’ side it didn’t always look so good . Now looking from the current vantage point ‘I’ can share in the optimism. (link)
I understand why you call it optimism, but actually, it’s your destiny.
You are not a person to be content with failure, or are you?
Cheers Vineeto