Kub933's Journal

Journals
2096

Kuba: Yes I see your point and you are correct, the various obstacles are all very real until they are resolved and change is actualised, only then it all seems to have been much ado about nothing and indeed it does take daring and audacity to evince this kind of change.

Hi Kuba,

I am pleased you can recognize that, else you might put yourself down for having taken all this time. Can you see that your dismantling of “the high achiever / perfectionist” was instrumental in enabling you to experience ‘me’ in its original form, stripped of the defensive armour?

Kuba: And to prove the point you already made I have 1 real obstacle which I have been outlining recently :grin: . Basically I have come to locate this fundamental insecurity, it expresses itself in many different ways but they all trace back to the same place. Some of the ways it expresses itself in is for example this undercurrent of feeling that I may have made a mistake for which I will be criticised, that I have inadvertently got on the wrong side of someone etc. This feeling is what the high achiever / perfectionist would cover up in the past. Oh you know in the PCE video when Richard gives the example of “excuse me for taking up space” – that is the feeling! In that place it feels like ‘I’ am so small and the world is towering over ‘me’ and ‘I’ am just waiting to be crushed. And this fundamental insecurity, it’s various tentacles reach into many different parts of 'my’ persona, although now it’s a bit like the tentacles have been chopped off one after the other (such as the high achiever / perfectionist etc) and now I am able to see just that place of ‘my’ fundamental insecurity.

Yes, I remember that feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” from feeling being ‘Vineeto’, who had compensated it with a workaholic way of always trying to be useful. This feeling of insecurity can be the precursor for naiveté when allowed to be there in its utter nakedness without controlling the original discomfort.

Kuba: I can very much experience the flavour of that place, right at the core of it. I wonder is that feeling of “excuse me for taking up space” because ‘I’ know deep down that ‘I’ am a fraud. ‘I’ am insecure because ‘I’ am only a spanner in the works, and deep down ‘I’ do know this. The normal way to deal with this would be to be proud of one’s performance as an identity, to blindly and passionately defend that ‘I’ am right, good etc. But then without those tactics in place there is only this fundamental insecurity left.

When the outer defences, such as “the high achiever” are courageously dismantled, and you refrain from forming rational theories, then it becomes more and more obvious that what is left at the core is, as Richard explained, a vortex of swirling passions.

Richard: For example:

• [Co-Respondent]: ‘And from what stuff are we made of (our identities) anyhow that it cannot be determined by any magnetic scanning?
• [Richard]: ‘Primarily the identity within is the affections (the affective feelings) – ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’ – as *the instinctual passions form themselves into* a ‘presence’, a ‘spirit’, a ‘being’ … ‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself. MRI scans, and all the rest, cannot detect a phantom being, the ghost in the machine. (…) Put expressively the affective feelings swirl around forming a whirlpool or an eddy (which vortex is the ‘presence’, the ‘spirit’, the ‘being’): mostly peoples experience ‘self’ as being a centre, around which the affective feelings form a barrier, which centre could be graphically likened to a dot in a circle (the circle being the affective feelings) which is what gives rise to the admonitions to break down the walls, the barriers, with which the centre protects itself.
Those people who are self-realised have realised that there is no ‘dot’ in the centre of the circle … hence the word ‘void’. [Emphasis added]. *(Richard, AF List, No. 25a, 10 Jun 2003).
*
I put it in that expressive way because it is not possible to separate out the feeler from the feelings it is … just as it is impossible to separate the whirlpool or the eddy – the vortex – from the swirling stuff which is the cause of it (a whirlpool or an eddy – a vortex – of water or air, for example, is the very swirling water or air as the one is not distinct from the other) … hence ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. (Richard, AF List, No. 44e, 9 Oct 2003).

Such perspicacious observing can also aid the acquiescence of ‘me’, the feeler, to lay down ‘my’ burden –

Richard: The question that the ‘I’ that was inhabiting this body back in 1981 asked was: ‘what am I saving myself for’?
Alan: And yet, ‘I’ know it is inevitable, if I am to fulfil my destiny.
Richard: Aye, to escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny is what one is alive for: being here – now – is the very reason one was born.
Alan: As you said in one of your posts (approximately), it is an irresistible pull, a momentum and impetus which is not of ‘my’ doing.
Richard: Yes, once altruistically set in motion, a momentum happens of its own accord. One knows, from the perfection of freedom from the human condition as evidenced in the PCE, that it is possible to live the actuality that is already always here. What ‘I’ do is unreservedly allow ‘my’ eventual demise to occur … pure intent, born out of the connection between one’s inherent naiveté and the perfection of the infinitude of this physical universe, will provide one with the necessary intestinal fortitude. And once embarked upon the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom, you are not on your own: this perfection is with you all the way … but if you waver, you are indeed doing it on your own. It is a matter of having the courage of your convictions and letting nothing stand in your way; determination and perseverance are the essential prerequisites to ensure success … coupled with application and diligence. One finds one must – one needs must actually do it – for no one else will do it for you as no one else can do it for you. And although one may think and feel that it would be a lonely journey to take on one’s own it is not … it is the most joyous escapade one can ever enter into.
It is the jaunt of a lifetime.
Alan: It is like being on the outer edge of a massive whirlpool, being dragged closer and closer, and faster and faster, to the inevitable moment of entering the vortex – and ‘popping’ out the other side – I see I have not yet quite lost the imaginative faculty!
Richard: Yet this is so correct, for I am talking of nothing else but extirpation … annihilation … extinction … the non-existence of any identity whatsoever. All of one’s precious ‘being’ will disappear … not only the ego but the soul as well. ‘I’ and/or ‘me’ will cease to exist in any way, shape or form.
What you are calling ‘the vortex’ is blessed oblivion … the same-same as physical death. (Richard, AF List, Alan-b, 13 Dec 1999).

Which means, when you can be friendly with yourself whilst being this “fundamental insecurity”, and slowly realize and acknowledge that oblivion is what you always wanted – then you have nothing more to defend or to hide, as Pamela said to Richard in the PCE video (thank you Ed for the transcript).

Kuba: And it’s funny because it is a bit like an appendix at this point haha, in that it has nothing to do anymore, no reason to be and yet it is just there.
Actually I should probably amend the above to say ‘I’ am the appendix that is just there now without any reason and hence ‘I’ feel insecure for taking up space. (link)

Not so quick, you may think so, but ‘you’, who you now call the appendix, does not feel so, else there would be no feeling of insecurity. ‘You’ still have a job to do, which is to whole-heartedly embrace the fact that ‘you’ are indeed redundant and consequently agree to ‘your’ demise. And you know when it is “whole-heartedly” because then there will be no feeling of insecurity, only joyous anticipation and marvelling appreciation.

Cheers Vineeto

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2097

James: Yes Vineeto, thank you for clearing up my misunderstanding: Pure intent is only a golden thread if it is experienced on an ongoing basis. It is not a golden thread in and of itself.

This helps me to understand why I have not experienced pure intent on an ongoing basis. Actually I am tuning in to the purity that is pure intent right now. I think it will help me to keep it ongoing by remembering the purity that always exists.

Hi James,

I would be careful to replace the words ‘pure intent’ with purity because of what Kuba reported in June last year –

Kuba: Hi Vineeto,
Thank you for your post, there is a lot to untangle here as it seems I am indeed re-orienting myself, I will probably answer in multiple parts. I will start with the below as this seems potentially very important:

Vineeto: I can recommend to rememorate the flavour of your last outstanding PCE (not the interpretation the ‘controller’ inserted afterwards) and freshly connect to the genuine pure intent. Then daring to care and caring to dare is eminently possible.

Kuba: So when I wrote the below last evening:

What I am experiencing this evening is that the “enticement” which pure intent offers is irresistible, it makes all ‘my’ heroic efforts unnecessary.

I am very very confident that what I was experiencing was genuine pure intent. Because what I experienced matched exactly the description of – “a genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe”.
Now I will contrast the above description with Srinath’s explanation on the simple actualism page:

Srinath: If one thinks of the actual universe as a magical, benevolent, alive (but non-sentient), glorious, scintillating and infinite thing – then pure intent is our human experience of all of this: our connection to this radiant dimension of the universe. But as feeling beings we are many times removed from this purity.

Kuba: I remember there was a time on this forum when the words pure intent were replaced with purity. That instead of establishing a connection to pure intent one would connect with purity. I went along with this which I now see as a bastardised version of what pure intent actually is. What I confirmed yesterday is that indeed connecting with “purity” is missing the very key aspect of the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity”. I was blown away when I experienced it last night, it was sweet, it was irresistibly enticing, it was impossible not to care, it was something that could easily pull ‘me’ all the way to ‘my’ demise without a shred of resistance.
(…)
Before the qualitative shift took place last year it would be more correct to say that I was allowing purity over and over, I was not allowing pure intent over and over, I was not allowing the “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the perfect and vast stillness that is the essential character of the infinitude of the universe” to be dynamically operative – certainly what I experienced last night, I was not allowing that over and over.
It seems Claudiu had it from the start around the time of the rift thread, this “sandpit actualism” is not the genuine article as described on the AFT. And what a damaging influence these bastardisations can have! (7 June 2025)

You see, when Rick asked Richard how and why he coined the expression of pure intent, Richard has this to say –

Rick: Incidentally, I cannot recall what you told me in-person about how and why or wherefrom you came to choose the words ‘pure intent’ when you coined that very term.
Would you mind sharing that again here?
Richard: ‘Twas the feeling-being in residence who named it thataway, circa January/ February 1981, upon realising how only that which was outside of ‘himself’ (i.e., outside of the human condition) could do the trick.
The choice of the word ‘pure’ should be self-explanatory by now, from all the above, and the word ‘intent’ is because of the agency-association it had, in ‘his’ mind, with the word ‘destiny’ … as in, ‘escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny’. (Richard, List D, Rick, 28 May 2013).

So when you say “I am tuning in to the purity” you may have inadvertently removed pure intent further away, whereas when you tune into the rememoration of the flavour of your last outstanding PCE (which lasted 3 days) in order to connect to that “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity” where your destiny lies, you might be more successful. Words do have associations and connotations which can easily influence you one way or the other.

James: Also, it will help to remember pure intent as you said per Richard is a “genuinely occurring stream of benevolence and benignity”. I.o.w. pure intent is an ongoing stream of purity. (link)

When you say “an ongoing stream of purity” you leave out the values of this purity – benevolence and benignity – and that is exactly what provides the experience of sweetness when accessing pure intent. Accessing pure intent is a personal affair, not some distant admiration of purity. It becomes irresistible.

Cheers Vineeto

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2098

Hi Vineeto,

Thank you, you hit the nail on the head here. Yesterday after writing that post (perhaps I just had to get it out to look at it) things shifted into a different gear and I was thinking how to describe to you what is going on. I was thinking along the lines of the fact that it is difficult to know how close or how far one is until self-immolation happens. But then yesterday when things shifted it’s been experienced as very close, for the reason that it is all already happening, it’s a bit like what Geoffrey said to us in a zoom a while back that “‘your’ bodies are currently having that experience” (presumably referring to experiencing actuality / existing in actuality). So it is seeing that there is no void left behind when ‘I’ disappear because ‘I’ am not substantial to begin with, the transition must be seamless because actuality is already here, it is that the illusion called ‘me’ is eradicated via ‘my’ self-immolation.

So this is the kind of thing that was going on, but then you summarised it perfectly, that it is ‘me’ seeing and agreeing to the fact that ‘I’ am redundant. And so since writing that post and the gears shifting the insecure feeling has not featured much. There is mostly just that seeing, and coming back to it over and over, that ‘I’ am redundant because actuality is already here / already taking place now.

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2099

To add, the way I am currently experiencing this is that this is surely the easiest thing in the world, to allow and to live the fact that ‘I’ am redundant, not that ‘I’ become or make ‘myself’ redundant, ‘I’ already am. ‘My’ burden is because ‘I’ feel/believe ‘myself’ to be required, so this is the ending of ‘my’ burden. So ‘I’ don’t have a single thing left to ‘do’ anymore, just to joyfully (because it is a joyful thing to admit) live the fact that ‘I’ am already redundant.

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As I was typing that to you last night it was like the purity that always exists came over me. It was the same purity that I remembered from a pce. However, I think I may see what you are saying in distinguishing purity from pure intent.
I recognized this purity and then went right on typing my post to you. In the quote from Richard above he mentions that it was something outside of himself that could do the trick which he called destiny was why he called this purity ‘pure intent’.
I think I get your point that pure intent is a sweetness that is outside of me that is my destiny. I recognized the purity that is always here but not as something outside of me which will take me to my destiny.

Iow it is the purity of pure intent that does the trick and pure intent is outside of me.

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2101

James: As I was typing that to you last night it was like the purity that always exists came over me. It was the same purity that I remembered from a pce. However, I think I may see what you are saying in distinguishing purity from pure intent.
I recognized this purity and then went right on typing my post to you. In the quote from Richard above he mentions that it was something outside of himself that could do the trick which he called destiny was why he called this purity ‘pure intent’.
I think I get your point that pure intent is a sweetness that is outside of me that is my destiny. I recognized the purity that is always here but not as something outside of me which will take me to my destiny.

Iow, it is the purity of pure intent that does the trick and pure intent is outside of me. (link)

Hi James,

I am very pleased for you to hear this. You seem to have found the knack to connect to pure intent now – remember to look for the trigger, if your experiencing dips at some point, and then endeavour to either nip it in the bud or dismantle any obstacle you find.

It can be fun if/when you are fascinated enough, and determined enough, to want to reach your destiny. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain –

Richard: There is no intrinsic identity, essence, core, or quality … what is flawed is attempting to find/ locate that phantasm, that ghost in the machine, when all that needs to be done is to altruistically ‘self’-immolate for the benefit of this body and that body and every body. As there is no such ‘being’ (‘me’ at the core of ‘my’ being is ‘being’ itself) or ‘presence’ in actuality there is nothing to lose … except ‘who’ you instinctively know, feel, and thus think, you are.
And therein lies the rub: ‘I’/‘me’ am so very real, so very, very real, that ‘I’/‘me’ am prepared to do virtually anything – virtually anything at all – than go blessedly into oblivion. (Richard, AF List, No. 54, 22 Oct 2003).

Cheers Vineeto

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I do think I have found the knack to connect to pure intent by seeing it as something outside of ‘me’ which is my destiny. I need to remember that pure intent will take me to my destiny.

Obviously, the ‘me’ is stopping me right now as it always has.

As Richard said in the quote you provided above there is no actual ‘me’. It is a ghost in the machine.

It is a feeling that makes it seem real. I see this right now but the feeling still exists.

The feeling (‘me’) is inner and not real. It is not my destiny which is outer and which pure intent will guide me to.
In summary: The ‘me’ is not real and is only a ghost (feeling) In the machine.

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James: I do think I have found the knack to connect to pure intent by seeing it as something outside of ‘me’ which is my destiny. I need to remember that pure intent will take me to my destiny.

Hi James,

You are aware, are you not, that Richard called it pure *intent* “because of the agency-association it had, in ‘his’ mind, with the word ‘destiny’ … as in, ‘escape one’s fate and achieve one’s destiny’.” (Richard, List D, Rick, 28 May 2013).

That means ‘you’ need to actively take ‘yourself’ to your destiny or – to put it differently, do whatever you can to allow yourself to be taken to your destiny. Pure intent is not the equivalent to the spiritual/religious ‘Grace of God’ which will do it for you.

Geoffrey: 4. If so I have to ask once more the question you must be tired to hear: how do I get ready?
Dona: again, there are no conditions, you are ready when you are ready.
Then in the meantime… (Lol… You know the answer…) … Yep, the actualism method.
Though Richard and Vineeto understand that you want a “formula” (Dona sidenote: so do I!) … There is none. Everyone is different and has their own way.
There are things that Vineeto suggested that she did … But … they are NOT to be considered “conditions”.
Know yourself (Dona: I recommend using the website for ideas on that).
Find all the objections to self-immolation (goes with the first one, know yourself).
Imitate the actual world as much as humanly possible.
Make it your number one aim/ goal/ intent.
Allow it to happen (no forcing it).
Richard added: “there’s nothing you can do to become actually free, and there’s nothing you can’t do”. (Dona & Alan’s Report, 9 Nov 2017).

As you well know, Geoffrey took this advice to heart and became actually free less than a year later.

James: Obviously, the ‘me’ is stopping me right now as it always has.

It would be helpful for yourself to pay specific attention to what form ‘me’ takes each time ‘you’ prevent becoming free from happening, in order that you can look at, disarm and remove the specific objection. Objections might vary, and when you disarm one another will pop up. But there is only a limited number of objections as all those who have become free can attest to, and as Kuba is describing right now (link).

James: As Richard said in the quote you provided above there is no actual ‘me’. It is a ghost in the machine.
It is a feeling that makes it seem real. I see this right now but the feeling still exists.

Yes, and this is only something you will know with certainty in hindsight. Right now, as long as you are a feeling being, this ‘ghost’ is very, very real, hence the feelings of hesitation, apprehension and fear that you might experience. Also, of course, you cannot hypnotise yourself into believing that you are a ghost.

James: The feeling (‘me’) is inner and not real. It is not my destiny which is outer and which pure intent will guide me to.
In summary: The ‘me’ is not real and is only a ghost (feeling) In the machine. (link)

Sometimes when you experience pure intent or have a PCE, and realise that ‘you’ have no substance, then it is much easier to be naïvely enjoying and appreciating being alive and not take whichever feeling occurs serious. Then life is fun.

Cheers Vineeto

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2104

No, I wasn’t aware of why Richard called it pure intent. I need to make the connection that he called it that because of the intent that it was his destiny. Still not completely sure I have that right. I know it’s important to be precise. Still looking at that. In your next paragraph I see that it is the intent to take yourself to your destiny as opposed to having something else do it for you.

I don’t know what specific objection I have right now to becoming free. I am drawing a blank such as I don’t know. Will keep looking.
I think my objection right now to becoming free is that the ‘me’ that is preventing it is not a ghost. It is real.

2105

Intellectually I know that ‘me’ is a ghost. What makes it seem real is the feeling. The feeling comes first and then initiates the thought which makes it seem real. It is only a feeling which is not real that keeps me from being free. It seems simple enough: Disappear the feeling and I am free.

2106

James: No, I wasn’t aware of why Richard called it pure intent. I need to make the connection that he called it that because of the intent that it was his destiny. Still not completely sure I have that right. I know it’s important to be precise. Still looking at that. In your next paragraph I see that it is the intent to take yourself to your destiny as opposed to having something else do it for you.
I don’t know what specific objection I have right now to becoming free. I am drawing a blank such as I don’t know. Will keep looking.
I think my objection right now to becoming free is that the ‘me’ that is preventing it is not a ghost. It is real. (link)

Hi James,

Today I read again Claudiu’s report about this visiting Geoffrey and what he had to say might help your contemplation on pure intent and self-immolation –

Claudiu: Basically the way he [Geoffrey] put it is, what will happen in the universe if I physically die? Essentially nothing except this body is dead (most of it will continue as-is). And the point is that the only difference with self-immolating rather than dying, is that there is a body that will continue being conscious (and not fall into a coma or whatever). But for me it will be exactly the same as if the body physically died, no difference whatsoever for me – total extinction. That put the notion to rest that I would continue in any way after self-immolating.
He also really impressed upon me just how significant this is. It’s not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were. It is a one-way ride with no return ticket. So long as the enormity of it is not grasped – to which fear and dread are a normal response – then it’s still just being on the playground ride.
Only once this is grasped then can the decision be made to take the leap and continue anyway (otherwise you’re just imagining yourself to be on a cliff but you’re really on a flat ground, and you don’t see the edge to jump off of but only think you do). So you have to actually get to the edge of the cliff (seeing the enormity of the extinction) and only then you can decide to jump.
And that decision to jump, self-immolation doesn’t happen right then – it takes a little longer, which is the final, constantly-accelerating, out-from-control process which Geoffrey experienced for about a week. But he said the experience after jumping is one of constantly accelerating, and also no dread afterwards, the dread part (“wall of fear”) only happens before. (30 May 2025)

As you can see one needs to have a full and existential comprehension of what ‘self’-immolation means for the identity. No intellectualising about ‘a ghost in the machine’ can give you the reality of your oblivion-extinction.

When you grasp this fully, your objection to it will become more specific and then you know more precisely what to look at. As Geoffrey emphasises, this is “not kid stuff. It’s not a playground ride or a roller coaster where you get on it then come back and get off and you’re back to where you were”.

James: Intellectually I know that ‘me’ is a ghost. What makes it seem real is the feeling. The feeling comes first and then initiates the thought which makes it seem real. It is only a feeling which is not real that keeps me from being free. It seems simple enough: Disappear the feeling and I am free. (link)

Now here you present a typical logical-intellectual argument – if a) is so), then b) must happen. This is merely painting a misleading map and is not at all how it works in practice.

You must have read, and conveniently forgotten, that Richard said many times –

Richard: ‘Often people who do not read what I have to say with both eyes gain the impression that I am suggesting that people are to stop feeling … which I am not. My whole point is to cease ‘being’ – psychologically and psychically self-immolate – which means that the entire psyche itself is extirpated. That is, the biological instinctual package handed out by blind nature is deleted like a computer software programme (but with no ‘Recycle Bin’ to retrieve it from) so that the affective faculty is no more. Then – and only then – are there no feelings … as in a pure consciousness experience (PCE) where, with the self in abeyance, the feelings play no part at all. However, in a PCE the feelings – passion and calenture – can come rushing in, if one is not alert, resulting in the PCE devolving into an altered state of consciousness (ASC) … complete with a super-self. Indeed, this demonstrates that it is impossible for there to be no feelings whilst there is a self – in this case a Self – thus it is the ‘being’ that has to go first … not the feelings.
It is impossible to be a ‘stripped-down’ self – divested of feelings – for ‘I’ am ‘my’ feelings and ‘my’ feelings are ‘me’. Anyone who attempts this absurdity would wind up being somewhat like what is known in psychiatric terminology as a ‘sociopathic personality’ (popularly know as ‘psychopath’). Such a person still has feelings – ‘cold’, ‘callous’, ‘indifferent’ – and has repressed the others.
What the wide and wondrous path to an actual freedom is on about is a virtual freedom wherein the ‘good’ feelings – the affectionate and desirable emotions and passions (those that are loving and trusting) are minimised along with the ‘bad’ feelings – the hostile and invidious emotions and passions (those that are hateful and fearful) – so that one is free to feel well, feel happy and feel perfect for 99% of the time. If one minimises the ‘good’ and ‘bad’ feelings and activates the felicitous/ innocuous feelings – happiness, delight, appreciation, joie de vivre/ bonhomie, friendliness, amiability and so on – in conjunction with sensuousness – then the ensuing sense of amazement, marvel and wonder can result in apperceptiveness.
If it does not … then one is way ahead of normal human expectations anyway as the aim is to enjoy and appreciate being here now for as much as is possible.
It is a win/win situation. [Emphasis added]. (Richard, Articles, A Précis of Actual Freedom)

Perhaps the whole article is worth re-reading for refreshing your memory.

In other words, feelings do not disappear until ‘I’ cease being. ‘I’ am my feelings and my feeling are ‘me’.

Cheers Vineeto

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Current objections to self immolation:

If I was going to do it then I would have by now. I am going down the same path. I can’t.

2108

If I have ever been close then this is it! :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes: The past couple of days there has definitely been a thrilling momentum not of ‘my’ doing. What is different this time around is that the destination which I am being pulled towards is right under my nose, here on earth. This is so much more down to earth than what was going on in the past. The kind of seeing which is happening more and more is exactly what I described a while ago in this post, essentially that in the final analysis ‘my’ existence is “all a play in emotive imaginative thought … an errant and vainglorious brain-pattern”. And with this seeing happening more and more I have been able to experientially confirm for myself just what it is that I am aiming for. And actual freedom (what I can glimpse / gather of it) is something far more down to earth than ‘I’ had imagined in the past, it’s not some weird state only available for the select few but rather how the universe intends all flesh and blood bodies to live, in fact all is already in place for this to be the case! To become actually free looks much more along the lines of “finally setting things right” or “allowing what is already here”, rather than achieving some special state - it’s all very down to earth basically.

I remember a while ago I commented about what I saw as Vineeto’s unyielding optimism, and her reply was essentially that - although she understands why I would see it that way, it is not actually optimism, it is simply that actual freedom is my destiny. What I am describing above is exactly that kind of seeing, it is outside of optimism/pessimism or belief/disbelief, it is seeing that to live as a flesh and blood body only is exactly what we are all here for and everything is already in place for this to be the case.

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Haha, I just had a glimpse of how ‘blind’ I am .

Debating whether I should say anything (your post is super cool, loving how it’s all becoming “down to earth “ etc, awesome to read and contemplate), I saw myself as an LLM (AI).

Paternal matching words to formulate a response with absolutely no conscious experience of what is being discussed! :joy:

I found it really nice just then to follow your link back to the significant post, to see a link to another post by Vineeto, which was directed to me, and was exactly what sparked the latest insights today into just how straight forward the Actualism method is, when understood. There is only how far can you go into that actual world without “leaving yourself behind “?

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Hi Andrew,

It’s cool that you see this, I have observed this thing in my mum too and I never liked it - for her sake. Because I can see there is indeed this sincere wanting to be of assistance but it is tangled up inside of something like a maternal/paternal oath. And this oath - by virtue of what it is - is a corruption / depreciation of what you are as a human being in your own right, as in you do not exist for the purpose of having something to offer in some paternal way. And plus as you said most of the time the thing offered ends up being kind of empty anyways, because it is given out of a need/obligation and not because there is something of substance to offer.

Hmm I wonder if perhaps this is something to do with that boredom/wanting something to do which you described recently. I know my ‘high achiever’ always needed the next thing to achieve, I wonder if this is something similar here with this paternal oath.

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James: Current objections to self immolation:
If I was going to do it then I would have by now. I am going down the same path. I can’t. (link)

Hi James,

You call it your “current” objection but your subsequent sentence reveals that you do not think it will ever disappear. “I can’t” means that you firmly believe there is nothing you can do.

Here is a quote from Adam which might give you pause –

Adam: I’ve been thinking of actualism in terms of two ‘modes of failure’. One is “can’t get back to feeling good” the other is “won’t get back to feeling good”. When it feels more like a “can’t” that’s the sign I’m deceiving myself and I need to dial up the ‘being my own best friend’ energy and get to a place where I can clearly recognize what feeling I am ‘being’. I think the DhO pseudo-actualism practice history is what made it so difficult to figure this out, but I’ve made huge progress on this side lately. (link)

I am curious what would happen if you had the courage to admit to yourself that “I can’t” really means “I don’t want to”. Even if this “I don’t want to” never changes, at least you can then stop playing hide and seek with yourself.

Or … allow the possibility that is might change …

Cheers Vineeto

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2112

Wow, your native intelligence is indeed nailing things down here…

That description both is entirely accurate of me, but also my mother!

I said as much in my journal just now, how this drive the “help” to save the next person from struggling is not going to work, as I haven’t saved myself.

Like the very thing taught in every first aid course, or in every aeroplane safety announcement “put your own oxygen mask on first, then help others!”

Regarding the boredom, this has been my “holy grail” topic since the beginning. For many many years, I just had no idea about what it even was! It was only a couple of years back reading Vineeto, that it was mentioned that it was a type of aggression. That started to make sense over the last few days in my experience of looking as the resentment of being here.

However, to that paternalistic “blind” intent to try and help, that very much rings true. Indeed, it immediately reminds me of Julian Jaynes and the origin of religion itself being a hallucination of the tribal leader and a paternal pattern of the “sacrifice” , and the rest evolved from there.

I will leave that there as I started to go down a route of trying to be “helpful “.
Haha.

’

2113

Yes interesting you say this because I have also observed this in my mum, she is interested these days in becoming something like a nutrition/healthy living guru. And I realised one day that this was exactly trying to belong by fitting into this archetypal role of some tribal healer/sage, to be needed by others by dishing out various healing potions and words of wisdom, all part of a maternal instinct to nurture, and fitting into ‘humanity’ that way. Of course this necessitates forever finding various ‘dangers’ that others can be saved from, such as the fact that I sometimes put sugar in my coffee :grinning_face_with_smiling_eyes:

It’s funny in a way, even the modern day social media influencer is basically playing out that archetypal fantasy, the need to belong leads to some interesting behaviour!

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2114

Very interesting. Yes, it’s an astute observation you are making. Something that immediately “tweaks” my feelings. I have done this so much on this forum, but it’s also mixed in with less “noble” motivations.

However, as you said, the paternal /maternal drive is corrupted. It’s not pure.

This was something I started to think about today, that belief in my ‘good intentions’ being enough justification. When, as is repeated (in some form) on every page of the AFT; ‘I’ am perpetuating ‘myself’. The supposed nobility is quickly exposed as ‘self’ serving. That is though, only half of the coin. The children intuitively know that the parent is in it for ‘themselves’, and must reconcile this knowledge. Some conform and become as their parents are, some rebel. Some are never sure which it is they are doing.

Which is the pattern of my “gen x” generation. The rise and popularity of all sorts of thinly or thickly veiled rebellion became the new “nobility “.

Being complex and ironic, while still being endowed with all the same drives as every other generation (before and after) is a strange religious‘reality’.

Being straightforward, without guile, naive and “down to earth “ is something no generation has had as a default!

2115

Thanks for pressing me on this Vineeto. I hit a wall on pure intent and self-immolation and came to an abrupt halt.
From memory I realized that pure intent is outside of ‘me’ so I can only access it that way. This seems to be where my block is. I need to see that this ‘me’ is not actual. I do know that intellectually but only experience it in a pce.

I need to see that to access pure intent means to have the intent to access the purity of a pce which is outside of ‘me’.

I do appreciate your guidance.

Correction: I do see and am experiencing now that the way to experience pure intent is to have the intent to access pure intent by remembering the purity of a pce.

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