So this would be connecting intuitively/directly with myself.
I think that’s part of what I experienced last night as I had removed some of my drama, there was less in the way of ‘my’ core.
Buckle up!!
I have been to this level of rawness before so I have some preparation, but previously I went back to pursuing social pacifiers/fantasies. Now I know to watch for that ‘out,’ this could get interesting!
Hehe awesome, I won’t start invoking synchronicity this time around tho 
I think the way forward for me is twofold:
Prioritizing feeling good, come-what-may, as an all-in approach.
Unconditional rather than conditional intimacy.
This also reflects on my own intimacy with myself, closely observing myself without becoming upset when things aren’t going smoothly. As a few have been noting recently, the raw emotions continue to be visceral all the way to the end, even when 99% happy & harmless, that 1% can and will pack a punch. However, it is not to be shied away from, as it is a demonstration of where my remaining objections lie.
Considering @Vineeto 's quote above from @Felix 's journal, I began to smell something was off in myself, and it quickly became clear that I was dissociating… from good feelings!
I know I have had this habit for a long time as I can remember something similar from all the way back in 2019, so I’m happy to be catching it today. It is clearly very habitual for me and has often led to a somewhat robotic existence.
I suspect that it came from a combination of some bad romantic experiences (souring me from many ‘good’ feelings) and an inaccurate application of the method early on which became habitual.
I reminded myself of the steps for getting back to feeling good (from the state of dissociation, the first step is to re-associate with whatever emotion), and was somewhat surprised to find that it worked essentially the same as the method I had been using with bad feelings. I soon found myself feeling peaceful and sensuous (rather than dissociated or ‘good’ feelings).
I’m pleased to have uncovered this one, it has dogged me for quite awhile!
What I am finding recently is that since the below clicked :
It is now as if I can freely penetrate into ‘myself’ without backing out, any fear is simply converted into thrill. It’s great to be able to proceed forward with courage.
I’ve been in a depression / despondent tone. This would be “shutting down” as a response to the fear, where Richard’s advice is to go into thrill. So, my task is to “start up” again, locate that fear, and angle toward thrill to proceed further.
Right, and that way it can be an adventure even through the turbulent territory. Once this clicks then what exactly could stop ‘me’ from proceeding?
Perhaps ‘I’ can ride this thrill all the way to ‘my’ extinction, this is all ‘I’ have been busy with lately 
.
Hi Henry,
I singled out this line from your post because I have observed this tendency of people to arrogate words for their dreams and [future] experiences to present a picture which has nothing at all to do with where they are at, and ‘near-actual-caring’ is at the top of the list.
The original expression of feeling being ‘Vineeto’ was the description about the final clue to becoming actually free –
Vineeto: The final clue was again about caring, a caring as close to an actual caring as an identity can muster. Only when I cared enough to give all of ‘me’ to another person, to give them what they want most, was I then ready to give it to the one I cared for most, the one I was closest to, and then I was able to leave all remnant concerns and inhibitions of my identity behind.” [emphasis added]. (Direct Route, No. 20, 20 Jan 2010)
It was to describe the experience which allowed ‘her’ to initiate the altruism required to give all of ‘herself’ to become actually free and was only used once and never since, because ‘her’ near-actual-caring became an actual caring once the identity had ‘self’-immolated.
All the while cunning identities wanting to jump the gun began the watering-down process of appropriating the term, now shortened to “near-actual-caring”, into their everyday feeling experiences and dreams, never realising that to experientially know near-actual-caring will be the end of ‘me’ –
SRINATH: For starters it I have been using the term ‘near-actual caring’ as a proxy for ‘more innocuous caring’ …
RICHARD: And thus does the watering-down process begin – even while the pioneer of what that specialist term refers to is still alive – and by which process thus does identity prevail.
Richard wrote a long email dedicated to the purpose of drawing out the distinction of feeling caring and actual caring/near-actual-caring –
RICHARD: 1. When feeling-being ‘Vineeto’s everyday feeling of caring first shifted into what has since become known as a near-actual caring the qualitative difference was so marked in its effect ‘she’ initially mistook it to be an actual caring (as per ‘her’ memories of PCE’s).
2. This shift occurred when ‘she’ transitioned from ‘her’ pragmatic, methodological virtual freedom into being out-from-control – a dynamic, destinal virtual freedom – for the remaining four-and-a-half weeks of ‘her’ life (albeit with a melodramatic three-day out-of-control interlude towards the end).
3. Due to ‘her’ naïve intent to be as intimate and without prejudice as possible – which, in conjunction with the absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity that is part-and-parcel of being out-from-control had resulted in the actualism method segueing into the actualism process – ‘her’ cheerful and thus willing concurrence allowed pure intent to dynamically pull ‘her’ evermore unto ‘her’ destiny. (Hence the “dynamic, destinal virtual freedom” nomenclature).
4. This moment-to-moment experiencing of a caring which is not self-centred/ self-centric provided ‘her’ with the experiential convincement that actualising such caring, via ‘self’-immolation, was the only solution to the human condition; this ‘hands-on’ understanding as a dynamically present feeling-being – an impressively distinct contrast to having been abeyant during PCE’s – left ‘her’ with absolutely no choice (lest ‘she’ be forever “rearranging the deck-chairs on the Titanic”).
5. Since a near-actual caring is, of course, epitomised by a vital interest in the suffering of all human beings coming to an end, forever, as a number one priority, then ‘her’ single-minded focus was essentially centred upon the most immediate way of ensuring this long-awaited global event could begin to take effect the soonest … to wit: bringing ‘her’ own inevitable demise, at physical death, forward into a liminal imminence.
6. Because the means ‘she’ elected to utilise towards these ends was the near-actual intimacy which goes hand-in-hand with a near-actual caring (per favour that afore-mentioned absence of self-centredness/ self-centricity which typifies being out-from-control) it is apposite to defer to what Vineeto herself wrote on the 20th of January 2010, only fifteen days after her pivotal moment/ definitive event, as its refreshingly simple directness speaks for itself. […] [emphases added]. (Richard, List D, Srinath2, #near-actual-caring)
As I know the inventive cunning of the ‘self’-preserving identity only too well from ‘Vineeto’s’ own experience, I copied the whole sequence to demonstrate how vital it is that one is ruthlessly honest in one’s observations and descriptions of one’s own experiences, and not imagining oneself to be ‘almost there’, which imagination can only be safely within the human condition.
Sincerity is the key to naiveté, and to proceed naïvely is the end of any imaginative planning and the beginning of truly having fun.
Cheers Vineeto
