Well today was an impactful day! Ever I inch closer to that final goal
I am increasingly unwilling to do anything other than focus all my effort and energy on having this last step finally happen. Working from home alone as will be my situation for the next few days, provides ample opportunity for this!
I found that I was continually drawn into doing ‘something’ with my time, scrolling on Twitter, watching political content, etc. And getting really engaged with various topics. I wondered why this was, why can’t I just ‘sit still’? It seemed like something was amiss to be driven to do such things
I came to see it was an expression of procrastinating on doing the work I have to do, which is proving to be tricky… the work feels hard, and then I avoid it by getting engaged with other stuff. It came down to it that I was feeling like I have to prove ‘my’ value – and as work was too hard then this caused anxiety which I was then coping with by getting detailed into other topics, essentially to prove ‘my’ value that-a-way
I ended up sitting tight on the couch for a while, computer and phone both far away, to basically get myself to really look into all this
I was essentially seeing that the reason I felt I had to prove ‘my’ value was to maintain ‘myself’. And I was looking at whether I really have to do that – I mean I knew I didn’t since the goal was to self-immolate, but there was a lot of fear underlying the acceptance of this.
Went for a walk with the dog and was reflecting more on it. Essentially I came to see that what I was wanting to do was to preserve ‘myself’ yet without all these ‘bad parts’ like fear, anxiety, needing to prove ‘myself’, etc. I already knew of course that it is impossible – because ‘I’ am those ‘bad parts’, it’s not that ‘I’ am something that can be pure and that just has ‘bad parts’ that can be removed.
And I felt this was really unfair! Why can’t I preserve myself?
The way I saw it then was really very simple: whether it is fair or unfair, it is the fact of the universe. This is ‘my’ nature – maybe in a cosmic sense it didn’t “have” to be this way, but for a human on this planet, that is how it is. So I can either self-immolate to actually solve the problem of the human condition, or I can remain and continue being the problem and being these bad parts. There is just no way around it. It is a fact just as much as it’s a fact that this body will die one day.
Seeing that it is a fact totally resolved the unfairness feeling – and then I felt relief! I saw it was a relief, because I knew the choice I am making is to do what is of actual benefit to the human species (and it’s wondrous I can do this and contribute to this!) – and so I don’t have to maintain ‘myself’ any longer. This I felt as a wonderful relief.
Further along in the walk I was still feeling fear and anxiety came up, and then a most wondrous realization struck, that: I don’t have to be afraid anymore either! Fear is how ‘I’ manifest in order to protect this body. Yet I am not needed to protect this body anymore. This is yet another burden I can lay down!
This relief was felt to be tremendous and I couldn’t even process it all at once. So I kept reflecting and contemplating it and the ramifications of the relief I am still processing. I don’t have to feel fear or be afraid anymore! What a tremendous relief. This fear which I have felt/been my entire life, and caused such problems and discomfort, and has not been fun at all – I can leave it behind just like anything else!
On many an occasion I experienced myself to be so so very close to the actual world. Like I just have to take a tiny ‘step’ and then I’d be right there! The richness and sweetness, just on the other ‘side’ of… something. I even tried taking a physical step but it didn’t work haha. But moving my hand in front of and behind my head, I was trying to see where does actuality start/end and where ‘I’ begin/end… and the border is not clear at all. Walking outside I experienced the stillness, how still actuality really is, and walking along one part of track I experienced myself as somehow a still/fixed/unmoving point whilst the body was ambling along – it seemed a bit odd, reminding me of Geoffrey wrote to Vineeto here:
GEOFFREY: Some versions [of Geoffrey’s report of becoming free] include the fact that this ‘process’ took a few seconds to unfold. Seconds during which I was somehow ‘stuck’, like characters in cartoons can stay still in the middle of a jump – although I was still physically walking. By my recollection I’d say it took around four seconds. No. 9(AF) later told me his own guess was from 2 to 5 seconds, probably 3-4.
V Geoffrey re towards Full Freedom
However it didn’t culminate in self-immolation. I do appear to be on the right track though!
Another funny image that I delighted in, as it was original, is how I was thinking of various conversations and ‘positions’ and ‘worldviews’ I am holding, and I thought how it’s delightful in that I don’t even have to leave a “calling card” as a placeholder for ‘me’ for when I leave (such as for people to be able to find ‘me’ again and resume it), I can just disappear entirely haha
Ok that is all for now!