Feeling some internal pressure to accomplish certain things but I’m also a bit sleepy. Exacerbated by just drinking coffee rather than eating food. Ok, I could just eat something. But I’d like to understand the emotional push here as well.
There must be some belief in me about the effects of coffee, ‘I’ like coffee but I’m somewhat missing what the actual experience of 2 cups on an empty stomach is.
Well, it’s happening! I have only to observe the effects.
I guess a lot of this is feeling cranky that I don’t have complete control of the state of my body, ‘I’ have certain things ‘I’ want to accomplish and my body has the gall to be tired out. That’s where the coffee comes in. And then the coffee doesn’t have the exact effect I imagine it should! Ah well, silliness.
‘I’ keep being very inconvenient to ‘myself,’ I keep staying up late to do things ‘I’ like doing, and then later don’t have energy to do other things that ‘I’ want to accomplish. And then I’m annoyed with myself, or annoyed with my body.
It’s also possible to accomplish things even when I’m tired. Is that worth it right now? It’s hard to say.
I think part of those kinds of difficulties are that I become fixated on the plan going a certain way, and then when something happens like I’m more tired than ‘expected,’ it’s a ‘problem.’ When the alternative is to roll with the situation changing. So then I’m sitting there bemoaning the situation, rather than just adjusting to whatever the (new) best thing to do is.
It definitely draws attention to the ‘sensible’ decision-making rather than the normal emotional/fantasy-based deciding. The pain comes from feeling that there is a ‘wrong/bad’ way for things to happen, as well as always trying to reach for the ‘good’ way. The sensitive intelligence happens when the emotional/fantasy-based Me is not present.
I get suspicious of myself, that I’m being ‘lazy’ or that everything will get ‘screwed up’ if I don’t ‘take care’ of certain things. That’s pretty interesting.
The other side of it is I certainly do get avoidant of certain chores or jobs out of fear. I guess because they do feel so heightened, I set a lot of pressure in those situations. Because I have strong ideas of how it should go.
But then life throws curveballs… maybe a certain material in a project doesn’t do what I thought it would do, or I find myself tired when my plan was to do a certain task. Maybe I get sick on that day or something. But I’m thinking of ‘my’ plan, there isn’t an admission that there are a lot of things happening outside of ‘me.’ In fact, my own body is outside of ‘my’ conception!
‘I’ have a horror of rot & dysfunction, and so I feel tension to keep everything ‘just-so.’ The tension between this drive, and my desire to ‘let loose’ creates pain in myself. I want it both ways, there isn’t a connection to the actuality.
The actuality is that it’s all happening at the same time. As soon as something is built, it is falling apart. As soon as I begin to do something, I begin to exhaust myself. It’s not even opposites, it’s the motion of existence. The very ideas of what to do are that same motion.
If there is any force driving me, no matter how ‘good,’ I am not actually free. I’m not deciding to do this or that out of sensitive consideration, but rather because I’m always driven. Driven to desire, feeling disappointment at it not matching. ‘I’ thought I would feel some certain way… when will I learn?
I have more beliefs to investigate.
I believe that if I don’t take care of this chore now, that I’ll ‘never do it.’ But that’s not borne out by past chores… yes they took longer than I initially imagined, but I did get a lot done and kept going. It was even fun a lot of the time. That’s the other side of the belief, that doing the chore ‘sucks.’
Even if I’m tired or sore or whatever it doesn’t have to ‘suck.’ It can still be fun in a certain way. But that also doesn’t mean I have to do it all the time. Hm hmm.
It’s definitely ‘me’ deciding either way, I get all wound up and impulsively do things, I get ‘downtrodden’ and do nothing, or impulsively do something to escape from it. As long as I’m feeling, as long as I’m being, I’m not free to decide. It’s driven.
Being a ‘me’ is so uncomfortable! I’m always at odds with what’s happening, with this actual body and with every other body.
I’m at odds with the very factual nature of everything that’s happening. ‘I’ hate it all, ‘I’ want it all to be different. I’m trying to get somewhere else than here, anywhere else than here.
I want everything to be different. Well, it’s not! ‘It is what it is,’ as they say. Am I really going to get grumpy every time I’m tired and have a to-do list, forever! What a life that would be! In fact, I’m living it! I can confirm now as in so many other times, it is not pleasant. ‘I’ am not pleasant.
Plain to see for me & anyone else. So, my options are to shut myself away whenever I’m in this position, or to get over myself.
It’s funny because what I’m ‘working on’ (or not working on depending on how you look at it lol) is a tiny house, so I can relax and ‘do what I want’ with my day. So here I am, tired out & badly in need of relaxation, and I can’t! Because of the very thing that I’m doing so I can relax. I’m still saying, ‘no, you can’t enjoy until this is done!’ It’s always off in the future.
I’m 31 years old, how far in the future am I supposed to wait? Maybe when I retire?
I guess I can just do whatever, no one’s really making me - other than myself! It’s just a question of figuring out how to stop ‘me’-ing.
It’s obviously pretty painful to ‘me.’
I just took an entire perfectly lovely day & fouled it up by ‘be’-ing all day!
A lot of it seems to come down to things not going according to my plan, what I think I should be doing. So it becomes a question of being able to float in that lack of ‘security’ of getting what ‘I’ want.
Can I be happy without getting what I want all the time? It’s so childish! Yes of course, most of the time I don’t really get what I want… hence most of the time ‘I’ am unhappy! Is that how it’s going to be the rest of my life? If every day is like today, then yes. Unless I can drop it.
It’s actually really ridiculous. I’m tired out, I’m obviously not going to get up & do what ‘I’ think I ‘should do.’ So all I’m doing is sitting here feeling bad.
It very much has the same character as past situations where someone else was putting pressure on me to get something done, except this time it’s all me. I can’t blame anyone else for these feelings.
Maybe I can do it tomorrow. I guess we’ll see. No way to know in advance, but I can put pieces in place to make it easy, eg get some good sleep.
I have this whole drawn-out dream of how terribly things will go if I don’t take care of things in a certain way, but it’s all imaginary. None of it is happening right now, I don’t actually know how it will go, and not only that but if it goes in some way that’s inconvenient, that doesn’t mean that I’ll feel badly about it in the future. So it’s still not ‘bad.’
This is greeted by sweetness.
The initial drive to do the chore didn’t feel good to start with, there was already discomfort for the start. The discomfort was my entire reason for doing it.
I can see more clearly with my mood shifting how big of a deal that is, what a drag that is. I must think that ‘my plan’ is more important than delighting.
The contradiction is revealed in the fact that the entire reason I’m doing the chore is to create delight. And then I’m shooting myself down when I try to delight so long as it’s not in line with ‘my’ plan. Even when the ‘why’ has a valid reason behind it. I’m supposed to wait.
And then there’s always a new reason to ‘wait.’ It’s like an abusive parent, where what the kid does is never good enough. The goalpost keeps being moved, no matter how hard I try.
I’m still so unhappy with my life, after all this time. I guess it doesn’t match with what I wanted. What I thought I could ‘make happen.’
What I thought it would look like.
I can’t get over that I can’t have everything.
I’m miserable over it. I choose to be miserable.
These are the conditions in which I’m alive. This is the only universe that exists, and this moment is all that exists. That means, this is all there is. The sensuous connection to the world - literally through the senses - is my only connection to the actual existing thing.
All the dreams aren’t here.
The ‘being’ isn’t here.
This is where the entire manifest universe is. Everything that is.
I’m actually alive right now, in this actual manifest universe. Any being is between these senses and the thing itself.
It really is everything that I am. Everything that Henry consisted of, has to go.
Everything is fresh & new when I’m not there, because I’m not sorting it & feeling something about it.
Discounting it, or else trying to make some sort of pet out of it. Trying to put it in my possession.
I am unable to do what is best each-moment-again so long as there is ‘being’ present, as the ‘being’ steps in and informs what is done. It is ‘me’ and ‘my’ personality in action. The reason ‘the Wizard’ exists is that the level of intelligence in action is so obviously far above ‘my’ normal, that when ‘I’ see it I desperately grasp at it.