Hi Vineeto,
(Continuing on my journal from Henry’s thread):
This has been excellent to contemplate! Indeed my initial reaction was the same as yours, like “I actually want it to be irrevocable”, but as I contemplated it I saw that this was not fully the case
It really feels like there’s a lot going on, and even being unmoored at times. It’s hard to sum it up or organize it into a coherent post. But it’s along the lines of…
I realized that I do not have a choice – if I want to self-immolate then I will have to address this issue, the irrevocability – along with any other issue. This was remarkable at orienting me towards actually moving forward and making progress with the objection
Just the act of contemplating the irrevocability caused actuality to hove into nearly tangible view, almost like I can touch it. The world becomes still again and I am moving through this still, wondrous universe – albeit not a PCE as ‘I’ distinctly felt ‘myself’ still present. Nevertheless it was along the lines of – irrevocable would mean it is this, forever – it was eminently obvious that this was sensible and what I wanted!
There is certainly a push and pull of attraction and aversion here, which I think is what you would call being “fatally attracted” (although “Fatal Attraction Syndrome” appears to be different as that would entail things like “incessant fighting against the benefits of an actual freedom” [link]?)
The seeing I have no choice but to proceed helped overcome the aversion into looking into the irrevocability more. And then the attraction/aversion sort of flipped and I instead became feeling averse to not self-immolating, to going ‘back’ to ‘humanity’ and failing ‘for good’. I experience this as sort of a fear or anxiety about moving forward, that flipped into a fear or anxiety about moving back.
Somewhere around here I figured I have been taking this too ‘seriously’. I don’t have to become free – this is not a moral imperative. There’s no need to be ‘serious’ about it in that sense. This loosens the pressure quite a bit – but it is sensible to become free, it is what I actually want, and in that sense there is no choice, there is a ‘must’ to it, but this ‘must’ comes from the scintillating purity that hoves into view, which I experienced at times today like ‘fingers’ of purity beckoning me towards actuality
So maybe I take it too seriously rather than fun/naively.
Again I realized I don’t actually have to worry about anything, literally anything at all… but, rather than the immediate response to do this being a carefreeness or even a relief, it was, intriguingly, an anxiety! A feeling unmoored about it. Because I also saw that to not worry means I don’t have to feel or put energy into any of ‘my’ plans or the future… which had it sink in that all of ‘my’ hopes and dreams and plans, will disappear along with ‘me’! I have to give them all up, in other words. It didn’t quite strike me like this before, and this is what led to the unmoored feeling, I believe. However I seem to be getting accustomed to this new state of affairs as I’m feeling much better about it all now, and at this very moment generally rather filled with delight 
Along the way I also recognized that part of the impediments is that I am feeling like becoming free ‘must’ go along a certain path, or look like this or that, but really I don’t know what it will look like or what that experience of self-immolating will be like or how it will unfold for me – I only can know how it’s unfolding now – so again it’s a matter of not really worrying about it or trying to ‘fit’ experience in any way
The sensible mooring-point would be pure intent, this is something that ought to be stable, perennial, etc., and fit all the qualities of that which I can orient myself towards, as a guiding star or light, if ever I feel lost
So that’s basically where I’m at now. I am tending to hove towards a default somewhat anxious state, which seems like a bad sign. But there does seem to be a lot going on. Yet actuality is always rather close-by, near at hand – and contemplating everything appears to be fruitful. But I also get the sense I am overcomplicating things haha.
Am open to any advice you may have given all the above, having fun does seem to be where it is at!
Cheers,
Claudiu