I can see the above is what I have been missing in my general proceedings. What has been happening is that ‘I’ would come so close to self-immolation and then inevitably the instinctual force for ‘self’ survival would come to the fore. Not knowing how to proceed through this ‘I’ would instead plant a flag where ‘I’ was and set up camp there. This is where instead of proceeding forward ‘I’ would go back to belonging. Trying to get permission from ‘humanity’ rather than venturing on ‘my’ own. So it was just a big game designed to assuage the fear that was keeping ‘me’ in place, the fear that is ‘me’.
I can see there is absolutely no way around the fact that ‘I’ proceed towards ‘my’ extinction on ‘my’ own. But now ‘I’ have a very handy tool which is turning this fear into thrill. Actually at times it is way more than just fear, it is full blown existential angst. In the past this existential angst would always succeed in keeping ‘me’ in place. Yet I can see now that this existential angst is ‘my’ very blood supply and what is more ‘I’ am now able to proceed into it, without backing out.
This advice about turning fear into thrill I have heard before and yet I never did anything with it, in a sense ‘I’ wanted to keep the fear as it was because ‘I’ thought that ‘I’ could resolve it, like ‘I’ resolved any other aspect of the human constitution.
But this existential angst cannot be resolved in that way, ‘I’ cannot resolve ‘myself’. What ‘I’ can do is turn any fear into thrill and proceed right through it, in this way ‘I’ can allow awareness to penetrate into the very depths of ‘my’ being.
Doing this earlier I could see that this existential angst is exactly what keeps ‘me’ in existence, this drama is exactly what ‘I’ am.
The funny way I first tested out the effectiveness of this tool was when I came across a scary instagram reel, like a short horror movie. Usually when I watch horrors I am kinda watching with the eyes ready to shut, this is exactly how ‘I’ was previously experiencing that existential angst, with ‘me’ ready to recoil for ‘safety’ at any moment.
But I gave it a go, eyes wide open, total attention and readiness to turn any fear right into thrill, and it worked a treat!
What I noticed immediately is that the very energy of the fear is converted/fuelling the energy of the thrill, more fear → more thrill. Yet the energy of thrill is like a higher gear, it does not have this propensity to recoil but rather it proceeds forward and it can be utterly exhilarating to do this, because this is where courage exists, this is where nothing can hold ‘me’ back.
In fact I am now welcoming any fear that comes up as a sign that I am proceeding in the right direction, it means ‘I’ am daring to proceed on ‘my’ own. Whereas if ‘I’ am experiencing other feelings such as sorrow or guilt or what have you, then ‘I’ know ‘I’ have stopped in ‘my’ tracks and now ‘I’ am stuck right where ‘humanity’ is.