- A few hours after having emailed her, I began despairing ‘She would not respond at all’ (rejection)[1].
- This lead me to consider the likely possibility of going about it on my own[2].
- Which had me wonder about the actual meaning of Vineeto’s word “closeness” in that post linked above.
- Then, I checked out my honest motivations behind wanting to getting back with her
- When I wrote to Vineeto “enjoying what already unfolds in this very moment, without any regard for (immediate or distant) future”, what I had in mind however was a plan (ha!) to ‘bottle up’ my affections for her boxed up in ‘this moment’ (which, unlike the actual moment, is sandwiched between the ‘past’ and the ‘future’) whilst not letting it “escape” into a ‘future’ via hopes & dreams.
- This is how I interpreted[3] Vineeto’s word ‘closeness’ (as the ‘bottling up’), which is obviously different from how Vineeto and other actually free people use it.
- Finally, I wondered what this actual ‘closeness’ would be like with her (if I were to get back), concomitant to wondering how it will be for Vineeto if she were to interact with a man.[4] It hit me right there: there would be no affections at all (I felt a tiny sense of sadness at loss, here). How can that be! Seems like a freaking huge sacrifice! It would instead be a … umm … sensate closeness. In other words, an immediacy with her. Physical and sensate immediacy. No affectionate experiencing.
PCE (sensate reality)
At this point (right after 5 above), while remembering/ revivifying full well what “immediacy” means (see previous footnote[3:1]) as well as remembering my PCEs (especially the experience of this only moment), I “arrived here” experiencing the sensate reality of this perennially happening moment; i.e., no longer ‘bottled up’ or ‘boxed in’ or sandwiched between other-moments.
When this started happening, I was actually playing a game on my laptop (semi-focused; because points 3-5 were percolating in the background of the mind) seated on the couch in my dimly lit living room. I remarked to myself, “Whoa, this looks like it is in 4k” … referring to the indubitaly immediate visual perception of the entire living room being experienced in 3d and in “higher resolution”. Crisp, and everything’s here, with no ‘outside’ to it, and self-sufficient … thus automatically obviating the despair of ‘going about it on my own’ or the fear of ‘facing rejection’ or the hope of a permanently percolating aura of affections.
The answer to my wondering in (5) became experientially answered in this mini-PCE, and it blew my mind. No affections, really? “Just” a sensate immediacy—and, the same immediacy with the objects in my room, albeit with the difference being the other is a living and conscious fellow human (a female one at that)? In the PCE, it became so obvious to me that this moment is perennially happening (it is how it is all the time), so it is not a matter of ‘boxing’ myself in it from ‘there’ to ‘here’; it is just a matter of staying in it [the moment], leaving “me” behind in the process. This is the sacrifice involved.[5]
A strong golden clew has been established.
Since this exact pattern happened before (a few days after our first meeting), I recognize this to be a common ‘cycle’ I tend to go through—swinging between two extremes (hope & despair) much more than a normal person would. ↩︎
Cue Richard’s famous words saying that - if I do it, I would be the first one to become actually free without an other-sex partner. ↩︎
While I can’t speak for others, I consider words like ‘intimacy’ to be counterproductive to me as I tend to immediately (no pun intended) associate affectionate factors with it. This doesn’t exist with words like ‘immediacy’ for instance, which is why I use it on my PCE reports (example) ↩︎ ↩︎
In addition, I also recalled my prior experiences with ‘staying with the passions’ (see initial posts here) inasmuch as it brings me more here where this moment is, experiencing it more sensately, and thus enjoying and appreciating. Obviously, in this context, the passions in question are fear & desire … segueing into sexual arousal and thus the physical world. ↩︎
From here, I have come to understand the difference between PCEs & AF. The PCE happens spontaneously when the self goes into abeyance; it cannot be made permanent, because the self, which wasn’t fully gone, will come back in full force anyway. For AF to happen, the self—whilst still being in situ (albeit as ‘beer’?)—needs to willingly (cheerful concurrence) die such that the actual world as experienced in the PCE can eventuate irrevocably, experienced as this flesh and blood body only. ↩︎