Hi Vineeto,
I do remember the turning point where this fully clicked so I will write about this for now. It was during a conversation I had with Sonya (which she agreed for me to post up), I was actually surprised at myself when I said what I said, I discovered it at the same time as the words were said.
There was a disagreement, about the fact that I don’t tend to buy Christmas presents or engage in those types of bonding activities. I could see though that the issue for Sonya was far more than the presents themselves. I ascertained immediately that there was a good feeling in there, responsible for the bad that she was experiencing. The issue then became about caring, and whether I care.
Some time down the line Sonya mentioned that she cares about us because she cares for our happiness, and yet I could see that the “care for our happiness” was causing her to become upset, something was clearly amiss!
That is when it clicked, I saw that in the goal of “our happiness” she had unwittingly allowed nurture/love to slip into the equation, along with the various expectations, hopes, dreams etc.
This is when I said, something to the effect that “can you see that your goal of “our happiness” is actually the cause of this current lack of peace and harmony”.
Then it was all seen to be back to front, that the pursuit of “our happiness” (good feelings) was actively causing Sonya hurt and actively getting in the way of peace and harmony between us.
So this situation was where it all fully clicked, so it was more the outcome rather than the process. I will see if I can remember more of how this came about because I do remember that even before that - whilst we were in China - I was already starting to put those things together.