A major thing is seeing a deeply ingrained and conditioned habit of avoidance I have. I came to see its habitual, a fear of anything unfamiliar or not already unknown. But then I ask myself (hoving closer to actuality) is anything actually wrong happening? And I see that no, although it’s unfamiliar and I am afraid, nothing is actually wrong. So then I allow it to continue as I see it is safe.
This does wonders in that I think this is also the key mechanism underlying procrastination. Now instead of procrastinating I just do something, even if I may not know exact outcome. And it just makes all so much easier and so far working out brilliantly.
The other thing is after a short while of doing this with regard to self-immolating via allowing it to happen, the unfamiliar feeling goes away! Because what I am experiencing becomes increasingly familiar haha. Because now it’s been experienced for a while. So now I can be as close as I was before while feeling a fear of unfamiliarity, but now it’s increasingly familiar and experienced as safe!
The other thing is I think I figured out a really key part of how to successfully self-immolate
If I approach it as ‘me’ ending, then there comes a point where it just feels impossible to proceed because I have myself firmly in mind and I can’t see what would happen next. So it is a dead end
But if I approach it more as me going “into the universe” or “more in the direction of the universe” (ie the one that actually exists) then the path is clear, especially when being receptive and aware of pure intent, the purity comes into perception and there’s a clear experience of getting closer to the actual world — and no limit in sight, just a matter of going further, getting used to it (as in the previous post), then further etc., and seems to be just a matter of doing this until it happens.
Delightful questions also start to pop up like “wait actuality is already always here (experienced as such) so how can I be going ‘into’ that which is already there? Where am I coming from such as to go ‘into’ that? This place I’m coming from cannot actually exist can it…”, delicious to contemplate and certainly a good sign in my book!
Hmm this is interesting because I have also been contemplating on those 2 modes. One is to set ‘my’ sights on allowing perfection and purity more and more until ‘I’ dissappear.
Second one is to make a decision, whilst still being firmly ‘me’, that ‘I’ will give ‘myself’ up in order to allow the perfection and purity irrevocably.
I have been leaning towards the second one and it seems you are leaning towards the first one.
Probably a case of finding the third alternative here haha. It seems ‘I’ can allow perfection and purity more and more but unless ‘I’ make that once in a life time decision to allow self-immolation then it will be a case of “what comes up must come down”.
So in the same way as one cannot self immolate in a PCE, going further and further into perfection and purity seems to have the same limitation. As in ‘I’ still have a job to do at some point, and this the universe cannot do for ‘me’, it is ‘me’ that must make the decision to allow ‘my’ self immolation.
Funnily enough I had this exact thought happen when I had that PCE today. I saw that this body exists where time has no duration and there was this utter safety to this. I thought well why can’t I just remain here when this is all that genuinely exists.
And yet this is the point that I am trying to make, that unless ‘I’ make the decision to dissappear completely then there will always be ‘something’ to come back to.
Since the PCE today though things have been supercharged somehow, like it is becoming inevitable that it will happen.
I guess the question is where do ‘I’ self immolate from. It cannot be in a PCE because ‘I’ am in abeyance. So ‘I’ am the necessary ingredient to it happening, otherwise there is nothing to self immolate haha.
Equally though it is impossible to proceed all the way into actuality as long as ‘I’ am around.
There will always be some distance between ‘me’ (existing still in reality) and actuality. That distance can never be fully bridged, temporarily in a PCE but for it to happen irrevocably ‘I’ have to do it from reality.
That is to say there will be an aspect of the unknown, of not being able to possibly go any further. That last bit to be bridged can only be done by ‘my’ extinction.
It reminds me of Srinath’s report of becoming free. That he was as if Moses looking at the promised land and yet being forbidden from entry.
This is exactly how I find it, that no matter how closely ‘I’ creep up to actuality, ‘I’ am still forbidden entry and this will never change.
However it seems there is benefit of creeping up so close and staying there instead of turning around even though ‘I’ cannot proceed any further. It seems this is the place ‘I’ do something I have never done before.
I see it as like how does a PCE actually happen? ‘I’ don’t hold ‘myself’ in the forefront and focus on temporarily disappearing. Rather ‘I’ allow the PCE to happen by going in the direction of actuality (which ends up with actual me becoming temporarily apparent).
So too similarly with self-immolation — I go towards actuality with the intent of ending ‘me’, that it will be ‘my’ demise, a permanent ending of ‘me’ instead of temporarily. But practically it is a seamless transition between two worlds — brought about by being willing to go into that sweetness / giving myself up for that sweetness (to combine from a few reports of people succeeding).
Indeed ‘me’ going into actuality doesn’t make sense. But “going into the direction of actuality” seems to experientially work
Claudiu: A major thing is seeing a deeply ingrained and conditioned habit of avoidance I have. I came to see its habitual, a fear of anything unfamiliar or not already unknown. But then I ask myself (hoving closer to actuality) is anything actually wrong happening? And I see that no, although it’s unfamiliar and I am afraid, nothing is actually wrong. So then I allow it to continue as I see it is safe.
This does wonders in that I think this is also the key mechanism underlying procrastination. Now instead of procrastinating I just do something, even if I may not know exact outcome. And it just makes all so much easier and so far working out brilliantly.
The other thing is after a short while of doing this with regard to self-immolating via allowing it to happen, the unfamiliar feeling goes away! Because what I am experiencing becomes increasingly familiar haha. Because now it’s been experienced for a while. So now I can be as close as I was before while feeling a fear of unfamiliarity, but now it’s increasingly familiar and experienced as safe! (Claudiu's Journal - #263 by jamesjjoo )
Ah, the mystery is solved now. I was always wondering what this habit of yours might be that you hover on the edge but then prevent yourself from proceeding only to come back again and again to the same point. Of course it’s the all too common “fear of anything unfamiliar”, ‘Vineeto’ had it in spades. And it is a habit, hence, once pinpointed, it can be discarded – there is nothing further to investigate. It is indeed “the key mechanism underlying procrastination” .
Kuba ‘solved’ this by dreaming about it, three times(!) for good measure and you are getting “increasingly familiar”, well done.
Firmly locked into the utter safety of being the experience of this infinite and eternal universe as a flesh-and-blood body is indeed the safest you can be. Or as Richard put it, better than I can ever express it –
Richard: So I am sitting here, bathing in the perfection of this purity, knowing by direct experience this stillness that is precious … (Richard’s Journal, Chapter Twenty-five)
Claudiu: The other thing is I think I figured out a really key part of how to successfully self-immolate.
If I approach it as ‘me’ ending, then there comes a point where it just feels impossible to proceed because I have myself firmly in mind and I can’t see what would happen next. So it is a dead end.
But if I approach it more as me going “into the universe” or “more in the direction of the universe” (i.e. the one that actually exists) then the path is clear, especially when being receptive and aware of pure intent, the purity comes into perception and there’s a clear experience of getting closer to the actual world — and no limit in sight, just a matter of going further, getting used to it (as in the previous post), then further etc., and seems to be just a matter of doing this until it happens.
Delightful questions also start to pop up like “wait actuality is already always here (experienced as such) so how can I be going ‘into’ that which is already there? Where am I coming from such as to go ‘into’ that? This place I’m coming from cannot actually exist can it…”, delicious to contemplate and certainly a good sign in my book! (Claudiu's Journal - #264 by claudiu )
Kuba: Hmm this is interesting because I have also been contemplating on those 2 modes. One is to set ‘my’ sights on allowing perfection and purity more and more until ‘I’ disappear.
Second one is to make a decision, whilst still being firmly ‘me’, that ‘I’ will give ‘myself’ up in order to allow the perfection and purity irrevocably.
I have been leaning towards the second one and it seems you are leaning towards the first one. (Claudiu's Journal - #266 by Kub933)
Kuba: Funnily enough I had this exact thought happen when I had that PCE today. I saw that this body exists where time has no duration and there was this utter safety to this. I thought well why can’t I just remain here when this is all that genuinely exists.
And yet this is the point that I am trying to make, that unless ‘I’ make the decision to disappear completely then there will always be ‘something’ to come back to.
Since the PCE today though things have been supercharged somehow, like it is becoming inevitable that it will happen. (Claudiu's Journal - #267 by Kub933 )
Kuba: That is to say there will be an aspect of the unknown, of not being able to possibly go any further. That last bit to be bridged can only be done by ‘my’ extinction.
It reminds me of Srinath’s report of becoming free. That he was as if Moses looking at the promised land and yet being forbidden from entry.
This is exactly how I find it, that no matter how closely ‘I’ creep up to actuality, ‘I’ am still forbidden entry and this will never change. (Claudiu's Journal - #268 by Kub933 )
Claudiu: So too similarly with self-immolation — I go towards actuality with the intent of ending ‘me’, that it will be ‘my’ demise, a permanent ending of ‘me’ instead of temporarily. But practically it is a seamless transition between two worlds — brought about by being willing to go into that sweetness / giving myself up for that sweetness (to combine from a few reports of people succeeding).
Indeed ‘me’ going into actuality doesn’t make sense. But “going into the direction of actuality” seems to experientially work (Claudiu's Journal - #269 by claudiu )
What a delightful interaction to read this morning.
The way I see it from the observer’s perspective, you both have made the decision to ‘self’-immolate a long time ago, when you both went out from under control. The only decision left, if you have any say in the matter given to have allowed the universe to live you, is when. Asking ‘how’ is inviting the ‘doer’ back into the picture and the ‘doer’ has no answers but to whole-heartedly and joyfully acquiesce to the long-awaited blessed oblivion.
As Kuba stated, PCEs happen when ‘I’ am naïve enough to allow them to happen, and the same is the case for ‘self’-immolation. ‘Vineeto’s’ experience was that when ‘she’ determined that now, this very evening, was the best time because of the circumstances, all that was left ‘to do’ was a gay abandon to have the time of ‘her’ life in utterly enjoying being here, with fun and frivolity and, of course, the very appreciation of it all.(*)
To explain, you both have already decided that it is going to happen, and once you determined when, then there is nothing else to do but to party.
Cheers Vineeto
(*) On Monday evening the fourth of January 2010, I knew I was running out of time. We expected a guest for the next day and I didn’t want to wait until we three [Richard, Peter and myself] were on our own again. I consequently sat on the toilet taking a few minutes longer than usual to gather any scattered bits of intent that were missing to make up the 100% I needed – I pulled out all the stops. When I returned to the living room a dynamic and quite frivolous interaction developed and in that uninhibited hilarious atmosphere I blew the last remaining cobwebs of seriousness, cautiousness and social correctness out of the corners of my psyche. It was all very casual, jovial and funny, unrehearsed and spontaneous and I became confident that this is how I wanted to live my life forever.
I heard myself saying to Richard that ‘We’ve got all the time in the world’ and when I contemplated on the sentence that had just slipped out, time suddenly stood still.
I stopped in mid-sentence and the ensuing silence caught the attention of my two companions.
Well, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to follow Vineeto’s advice here as actual advice being given So I thought today would be a perfect day to self-immolate, during an outing riding bikes. I did not succeed, but I did clear a lot of the way forward.
Firstly when I made the decision to do it, came a now-familiar feeling of fear, which indicated to me I was going further into little-explored territory, so it was sincere, which is why it was effective.
One huge thing that happened, basically of worldview-shattering proportions, was that I was able to see how actually rotten not only the ideal of ‘fairness’ is, but any ideal at all! It happened that I was feeling upset about how a conversation earlier in the day went. I thought it was unfair that when I act a certain way, the other person gets upset at me, but then they act that exact same way towards me. It was basically ‘unfair’, in that they wanted me to act a certain way without doing it themselves!
For the ideal of fairness, this is an injustice, and justice might be served, which would be served by some appropriately-chosen retributive punishment. But I did not want to serve this retribution because I knew it would just hurt the other person, and then they may very well hurt me back, and on a terrible cycle would go. But that then fed back into the unfairness because the other person would very much serve the retribution in the same situation!
I thought back to the insight about how I will actually just die one day, forever, and I saw it really didn’t matter what a person said or did on this day in the grand scheme. It hit deeper than this though, I saw that the very person ‘I’ am that has this ability to be affected this way, there is something wrong with this, this ‘identity’ that ‘I’ am being is what is at fault (and not the emotional reaction per se).
I saw that it would be silly to serve the retribution, and it is actually sensible to enjoy and appreciate being alive despite what the person says or does. And if they choose to get upset themselves or serve this retribution or what not, it is again silly to engage and ‘payback’ and sensible to not perpetuate that cycle. But wouldn’t this be ‘unfair’, they ‘get to’ serve retribution and ‘I’ don’t? And the answer is… yes, it is “unfair”, but fairness is the problem here!
In other words the sensible thing here is to discard this ideal of ‘fairness’. And instead behave sensibly in the situation, and not mindlessly perpetuate this cycle, which is actually rather childish in hindsight, despite how seriously it can be dressed up.
And then of course I saw that ideals in and of themselves are part of the problem! I at first thought they were the problem they were trying to solve, but then I saw this isn’t quite accurate. The human condition is the problem, ideals are a mechanism by which to attempt to control and restrain the human condition, and they work to a degree – better a civilization than a kill-or-be-killed wild state of constant tribal warfare – but ultimately they fail, and just lead to conflict on a world scale when ideals in different nations conflict.
And then I saw how ideals are confusing because there are so many, and they conflict, and it’s actually not possible to live cleanly and purely and in alignment with all the ideals. But doing away with ideals entirely, you can live sensibly and with full sincerity and alignment with what is actual, because actuality is a rock-solid firm foundation of benevolent existence, there are no contradictions to be had (t)here.
Ok that was one thing – the next is I saw that I was very insecure! I was afraid of doing it wrong, of being shown to not be competent.
And then I saw the temptation to flip from insecurity to overconfidence – to going from assuming I am “doing it wrong” to assuming I am doing everything ‘right’, a blanket statement about ‘me’ (‘me’ inferior → ‘me’ superior).
But both of these are utterly silly. It is sensible, rather, to take it on a case by case basis. For example I know a lot about programming and very little about embroidery. It would be silly to be confident about my embroidery skills, but sensible to be so about programming. And with succeeding with self-immolation, I’m clearly very much on the right track!
The third thing then was to see that I was feeling a feeling of ‘dread’ around what will come, about the outcome of self-immolation. This has been in the background, but only labeled as such today. And I just stopped to look at it as I realized it was so weird. All my experiences of what actuality is actually like, none of them have anything occurring in them whatsoever as for it to be sensible to react with ‘dread’ to it! It is all wonderful, pristine, pure, etc. So this feeling of dread is simply not sensible. My emotional reactions are misaligned with what is actual. Actually what it makes sense to dread is continuing to be the human condition with all its mayhem and misery!
This led to a fourth thing which is seeing that I still had a habitual habit from my days of doing vipassana meditation, which is essentially to withdraw away from what is happening and focus on internal faux-physical[1] sensations, particularly ones in my head area. This instantly is a downer and saps away enjoying being alive.
I took a nap after the bike ride and had a nightmare scenario recurring wherein the physical sensations in my head grew and grew in intensity until there was nothing but a madness cacophony of them, and I did all I could in that dream-state to back away from it and not go there!
And now I wonder if the ‘dread’ I was feeling is from intuitively mistaking the goal of self-immolation with the old long-abandoned goal of Vipassana meditation, which would indeed be going towards the direction where the dream was pointing.
And it just struck me how much of an utter lie the flavor of meditation I was doing, is! It did indeed encourage me down the path of dissociating into these faux-physical[1:1] sensations. And it is all based on the utter lie that anything in all of experience is impermanent and transitory and instantly fading (not true, actuality is not impermanent, and not everything instantly fades), that there is not really any ‘self’ that exists (not true, the identity is very real and it is madness to pretend it isn’t), and that everything is unsatisfactory and filled with and laced with suffering (not true, so much of being alive is a delight!)
And you train yourself to focus and see everything this way, which of course is a huge downer, and then is a self-fulfilling prophecy as your life will quickly start to suck after that… at which point they re-offer that same poison as being the solution to your new problem, which they say has always been a problem but you just didn’t know it before!
Utter insane crazy madness that nobody should ever even step in that direction at all.
The delightful thing of course is that now I’m percipient and aware of this and it is obvious it is all based on a lie, and I simply don’t have to do that anymore – and of course actuality does not lie in that direction at all, it has nothing to do with it!!!
Ok thus ends my day, which was certainly full and worthwhile even if my decision to self-immolate today didn’t come to fruition!
Cheers,
Claudiu
(I saw faux-physical because they feel physical but they go away when feeling good and in a PCE, so it cannot be anything actually physical-caused) ↩︎↩︎
Oh and I forgot to mention the utter delight and immanence of the actual world as I experienced at various points during the bike ride. It’s a by now familiar occurrence where it’s like I forgot how amazing and wonderful it can really get, even more so than I last remembered, yet even so that level of wondrousness is familiar.
With that as the goal post it’s clear that is what I want. It didn’t happen for good on the bike ride but signs certainly point to it being imminent !
Vineeto: To explain, you both have already decided that it is going to happen, and once you determined when, then there is nothing else to do but to party. (link)
Claudiu: Well, I thought maybe it would be a good idea to follow Vineeto’s advice here as actual advice being given So I thought today would be a perfect day to self-immolate, during an outing riding bikes. I did not succeed, but I did clear a lot of the way forward.
Firstly when I made the decision to do it, came a now-familiar feeling of fear, which indicated to me I was going further into little-explored territory, so it was sincere, which is why it was effective.
One huge thing that happened, basically of worldview-shattering proportions, was that I was able to see how actually rotten not only the ideal of ‘fairness’ is, but any ideal at all! It happened that I was feeling upset about how a conversation earlier in the day went. I thought it was unfair that when I act a certain way, the other person gets upset at me, but then they act that exact same way towards me. It was basically ‘unfair’, in that they wanted me to act a certain way without doing it themselves!
For the ideal of fairness, this is an injustice, and justice might be served, which would be served by some appropriately-chosen retributive punishment. But I did not want to serve this retribution because I knew it would just hurt the other person, and then they may very well hurt me back, and on a terrible cycle would go. But that then fed back into the unfairness because the other person would very much serve the retribution in the same situation!
I thought back to the insight about how I will actually just die one day, forever, and I saw it really didn’t matter what a person said or did on this day in the grand scheme. It hit deeper than this though, I saw that the very person ‘I’ am that has this ability to be affected this way, there is something wrong with this, this ‘identity’ that ‘I’ am being is what is at fault (and not the emotional reaction per se).
I saw that it would be silly to serve the retribution, and it is actually sensible to enjoy and appreciate being alive despite what the person says or does. And if they choose to get upset themselves or serve this retribution or what not, it is again silly to engage and ‘payback’ and sensible to not perpetuate that cycle. But wouldn’t this be ‘unfair’, they ‘get to’ serve retribution and ‘I’ don’t? And the answer is… yes, it is “unfair”, but fairness is the problem here! […]
What a great descriptive and identity-shattering post, it is truly amazing what you uncover about the human condition at its core.
Fairness is one of the few ideals which appeals to almost everyone (mainly in that they want to be treated fairly). It wasn’t easy for ‘Vineeto’ to abandon it, because at first sight it seems so sensible. Soon, however ‘she’ could understand that righteous anger was just as much part of the feeling/ideal of fairness as was the wish to treat everyone/be treated fairly and justly.
Here Richard talks about the humanitarian ideals and principles, deeply imbedded in Western culture –
Richard: I was staggered as to how deep the Judaic/ Christian environment I was raised in was embedded … to the point that I then realised that humanism was the secular religion, so to speak, that British/European Colonialism had foisted onto the world at large (via countries like the USA for instance) as it underpins the UN Charter and the UN Declaration of Human Rights.
Breaking free from the tenacious grip of their humanitarian principles was difficult to say the least. (Richard, AF List, No. 60b, 16 April 2004)
And yet humanitarian ideals also have an aspect as an actuality, perhaps this is why their principles have such a tenacious grip –
Richard: … gently ushering in an increasing ease and generosity of character. With this growing magnanimity, one becomes more and more anonymous, more and more selflessly motivated. With this expanding altruism one becomes less and less self-centred, less and less egocentric … the humanitarian ideals of peace, kindness, caring, benevolence and humaneness become more and more evident as an actuality. (Richard, List B, No. 34b, 11 Jul 1999).
Claudiu: Ok that was one thing – the next is I saw that I was very insecure! I was afraid of doing it wrong, of being shown to not be competent.
And then I saw the temptation to flip from insecurity to overconfidence – to going from assuming I am “doing it wrong” to assuming I am doing everything ‘right’, a blanket statement about ‘me’ (‘me’ inferior → ‘me’ superior).
But both of these are utterly silly. It is sensible, rather, to take it on a case by case basis. For example I know a lot about programming and very little about embroidery. It would be silly to be confident about my embroidery skills, but sensible to be so about programming. And with succeeding with self-immolation, I’m clearly very much on the right track!
‘I’ can only exist in a dichotomy, swinging from ‘right’ to ‘wrong’ and from superior to inferior and none of these have any basis in actuality. ‘Right’ according to what? Superior compared to whom? What and who is the ultimate arbiter? And yet this is the hold humanity’s morals and ethics have on how each one assesses themselves, isn’t it remarkable? There is only one solution –
Respondent:What is the basis of ‘right action’? Richard: Twenty four hour a day happiness and harmlessness … which condition is the result of the total eradication of ‘I’ as ego and ‘me’ as soul (the entire identity who is the product of the instinctual passions of fear and aggression and nurture and desire). (Richard, List B, No. 36, 1 Oct 1999).
Claudiu: The third thing then was to see that I was feeling a feeling of ‘dread’ around what will come, about the outcome of self-immolation. This has been in the background, but only labelled as such today. And I just stopped to look at it as I realized it was so weird. All my experiences of what actuality is actually like, none of them have anything occurring in them whatsoever as for it to be sensible to react with ‘dread’ to it! It is all wonderful, pristine, pure, etc. So this feeling of dread is simply not sensible. My emotional reactions are misaligned with what is actual. Actually what it makes sense to dread is continuing to be the human condition with all its mayhem and misery! […]
Yep, you are getting really close and it’s no wonder that ‘dread’ will make its appearance because ‘I’ perceive ‘my’ extinction the same as the death of the body (‘I’ have usurped the flesh-and-blood body so totally that one cannot feel a distinction between one and the other).
A wondrous tale and very informative for all who endeavour to go all the way.
What it seems to really come down to is just the simple seeing that it is a choice!
It’s a choice of how I want life to be lived. Either as an actually free person (as pointed towards by the increasingly familiar and increasingly astounding purity), or as a feeling being (as pointed towards by feeling of being literally that which serves only to detract from and hinder said purity, the very fear or trepidation itself is me, is this choice!)
And it’s not a dramatic or a hectic thing. It’s something to calmly and still-ly observe and be aware and conscious of, this choice. A matter of allowing things to slow down so that the choice becomes clear — that it is a choice, and what the choice is, specifically who I am that I am giving myself up
And the funny thing is that clearer the choice, the clearer that there is no choice! In the sense that one choice is so obviously superior to the other that it’s obvious which is the choice to be made, no deliberation is needed.
Really seems to just come down to this. Everything else, wondering about the end of me or fear of leaving the herd or ideals or morals or this or that, is just distractions ‘I’ throw up to obscure the fact that it comes down to this simple and obvious choice.
It seems like the choice at this point is as @Vineeto mentioned not so much whether to do it or how to do it but rather when to do it. The choice is to allow self immolation now or to continue buying time haha.
I find that if I bring this to my consciousness, that I will do it/it will happen now, things immediately start to change, like I am then on track towards my destiny and anything else is detracting from that.
When I am on track towards my destiny I can see that there is indeed incentive in doing it, like the universe has truly “sweetened the pot”. That it is a big sacrifice but the incentive is far bigger, like a sweet song of impending oblivion.
Now whenever it comes up of “when to self-immolate?” the answer is 99% of the time “Well right now seems like the perfect time!” And then I set my sights on doing it now, which is instantly transformative of my experience of being alive
It really does seem to be just about wanting to do it & then doing it!
Had a wonderful “self-immolation session” just now – seem to be getting closer & closer!
The most crucial part was when I was contemplating on the fact that whatever ‘I’ could do for the world, e.g. if I dedicate my life to philanthropy, or doing good works, or doing this company or that thing – nothing would be as me doing the most I could as self-immolating. There would always be an aspect of it where I am not giving it my all, where it ends up being self-centered for ‘me’, rather than actually for the benefit of the world / of humanity etc. But the most I can do, the very best I can do, is to self-immolate!
This came with an intriguing experience where it is like I found a button or some hook – the button was seeing that ‘me’ giving ‘my’ all and actually disappearing is what is best. And I was riding that hook, somehow, and going ‘into’ it in a way. This was all accompanied by an increasingly sweet and potent purity. But then the experience ended without me having gone all the way. Was very interesting tho, not 100% sure it is how it will happen for me but I will keep going for it!!
The other thing I resolved delightfully is I started to feel an objection like that I want to know what it’s like before I do it, and somehow feeling it’s unfair that I can’t. And then I saw it was silly, because it’s just a fact that I won’t know what it’s like until it happens. The delightful analogy that came up is that it’s like having sex for the first time, you can read all about it and try to simulate it but you don’t know what it’s actually like until it happens! And if you wait until knowing what it’s like before you do it you’ll just always remain a virgin haha. So better to just go for it even if you don’t exactly know what you’re doing at first
Ok those were the highlights, that’s all for now !
Claudiu: The most crucial part was when I was contemplating on the fact that whatever ‘I’ could do for the world, e.g. if I dedicate my life to philanthropy, or doing good works, or doing this company or that thing – nothing would be as me doing the most I could as self-immolating. There would always be an aspect of it where I am not giving it my all, where it ends up being self-centered for ‘me’, rather than actually for the benefit of the world / of humanity etc. But the most I can do, the very best I can do, is to self-immolate!
Ha you got it in one – the very best ‘you’ can do to benefit both the flesh-and-blood Claudiu and every human being “is to self-immolate”.
And the wonderful thing is that you can do all the other activities as well, if you still find it sensible, and thoroughly enjoy it and delight in it as the actually free Claudiu.
Claudiu: The other thing I resolved delightfully is I started to feel an objection like that I want to know what it’s like before I do it, and somehow feeling it’s unfair that I can’t. And then I saw it was silly, because it’s just a fact that I won’t know what it’s like until it happens. The delightful analogy that came up is that it’s like having sex for the first time, you can read all about it and try to simulate it but you don’t know what it’s actually like until it happens! And if you wait until knowing what it’s like before you do it you’ll just always remain a virgin haha. So better to just go for it even if you don’t exactly know what you’re doing at first.
That’s a great analogy. It goes much further than that too. Just contemplate what life would be like if you knew every experience beforehand, you might not even want to be born! What’s the point of having an experience if you know what it is like in detail beforehand? There would be no adventure, no exploration, no naiveté, no interest to do anything because nothing will be new and fresh.
Whereas you know from experience, when you are in a PCE or near-PCE then every moment is new, fresh, never happened before.
Richard: This moment of being alive has never happened before and will never happen again. It is unique. As it is always this moment already, everything is immediately peerless. Therefore it is never boring … it is ever-fresh … I am never boring … I am ever-fresh. I have never been here before … everything is happening for the very first time … I am happening for the very first time. Because I am ever-new, I am automatically innocent. Innocence prevails where time has no duration. (Richard, List A, No. 23, No. 01)
Richard: I have never been here before, I am perpetually new. I appear as this moment appears. As each moment is fresh, new, so too am I novel, artless and innocent. I can never gather dust, as it were, for I cast no shadow. I have no presence, no being. I do not exist, psychologically speaking. With no entity within to mess things up, I am actually perfection personified, pure and simple, through no effort at all. I can take no credit for my unimpeachable character, it all happens of itself as the universe intends it to. (Richard, List A, No. 5a, No. 20)
Richard: All this is just happening of its own accord. Everything I experience is actual to this moment. And this moment is occurring now. This particular moment of being here has never happened before … and it will never happen again. This moment is ever-fresh, perennially new. It is consistently so; dependable in its originality and reliable in its uniqueness. For twenty-four-hours-a-day it is like this, day-in-day-out … therefore it is impossible for it to ever become boring. This moment does not exist in the ‘real world’, it exists in the actual world. Only the present can exist in reality. (Richard, List A, No. 22, No. 01)
That’s so utterly delightful. ‘Me’ out of fear and desire for safety, I take away from this and try to make all familiar, already-known, old, stagnant, stale, so ‘I’ feel safe… and then that breeds the very resentment ‘I’ have towards being alive! Giving up delight and wonder in exchange for safety that breeds resentment and is only felt to be safe but actually isn’t … how utterly backwards !! Lol
I am reminded of Geoffrey’s report of becoming free – he spells it all out –
Geoffrey: I stood there, the sun in my back, full of sensuousness, delighting in Pure Intent, amazed at how the actual is so safe. I was thinking about the unknown path lying before me (the path that deliver the goods – as I knew from the PCE), and realised in a flash that the unknown path is the safe path. That the known is the unsafe. That ‘I’ am the unsafe.
For a split second I saw like a veil in front of me. I saw how I could be on the other side of the ‘mirror’, on the safe side, the magical side, how I could… But there was a last second resistance: My precious! I will not give away my precious!
Later on the way back, I was thinking about this ‘precious’ thing, how only here on this tiny planet right now there are 7 billion people just as ‘unique’ and ‘precious’ as my self, when it clicked… and I burst into laughter. This was simply hilarious. Everybody is so precious. I must then be SO precious hahaha.
Every little ‘me’ waging wars against other little ‘me’ because they are so precious. Whereas they are just the same product of evolution and animal passions, with the same hiding place, the same hunger, the same dirtiness. You can’t be serious!
I saw without a shadow of a doubt that ‘I’ am the cause of every evil, corruption, dirt… just because ‘I’ am ‘so precious’. How ‘I’ mess everything up for myself and everybody just because ‘I’ am. And not some dissociated ‘I’ with enough quotes not to be me, but me right now thinking this.
There was the actual world just right there in front of me, obviously existing, pure and perfect, and then there was ‘me’, ‘humanity’. The contrast was simply hilarious. I can’t describe how hilarious this contrast was. What we’ve all been doing forever and ever, on a ridiculous parade of malice and sorrow, with the greatest seriousness.
I realised that I would indeed gladly die right now, gladly give away all I am, all I ever was, all I’ve done and felt since I was born, for peace-on-earth to be apparent (not even for me but) for everybody. For things to be as they are. And that it would be of no importance at all. No ‘weight’, no drama… just the only thing that made sense, the only sensible thing.
I was walking on a dirt path, in the shadows of the trees, a few hundred meters from home, with a big smile on my face, when everything stopped.
I saw the vortex that is ‘me’ drastically slow down, as it could not move in the overarching stillness, and evaporate, as it had no substance but movement.
Then there was nothing left. And nothing missing. (Becoming Free Reports, Geoffrey)
Reading all these quotes it’s fascinating that I can relate to all that is being described experientially like never before, which means I am on the launchpad, just need to press the button for take off. However as per the quote that @Vineeto sent :
Richard: Of course, the situation and circumstances (cutting down long grass in an abandoned cow-paddock preparatory to planting trees) were peculiar to me and my context at that time and had I been some other person in some other context I could very well have been washing the dishes, for example, or riding a bicycle.
And had I been some other person in some other context the salutary realisation would have been different too … meaning that only the particular person can know what they must do – and they will not know what that is until it happens – and when they do know what to do it will be too late to stop the happening.
Hence all the procrastination – it means the end of ‘me’ – because it can, and will, happen just here right now. (Richard, AF List, No. 94a, 30 Dec 2005)
The funny thing is that this - “they will not know what that is until it happens – and when they do know what to do it will be too late to stop the happening” is exactly what happened in the dreams!
Lately the way I am seeing the human condition is like I as this body have been here all along and ‘I’ only imagined/believed that ‘I’ existed. Which is very bizarre because ‘I’ must self immolate and at times ‘I’ can feel like ‘I’ weigh a tonne, and yet those other times ‘my’ existential status is so very flimsy that really it never had any substance to being with.
So looking from one side it is so very difficult for ‘me’ and then from the other side it’s like it’s all over nothing. Also from one side ‘I’ am giving up everything and from the other side there is nothing there of substance to give up other than an illusion, which by it’s very definition has no substance!
I didn’t reply to this, not because I disregard the message, rather it seems the only way I can reply with integrity and appreciation is by action, and there is only 1 action left now!
It’s becoming quite a fascinating/exhilarating thing to look for, this button that exists within ‘me’. And to know that once found ‘I’ will have already pressed it. I am certain this button exists, just waiting to be pressed.
It is indeed “the key mechanism underlying procrastination” .
So I thought today would be a perfect day to self-immolate, during an outing riding bikes. I did not succeed, but I did clear a lot of the way forward.
