Claudiu's Journal

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244

So I notice the same thing has been happening with ‘my’ imaginations of what actual freedom would be like. I can see this now because this morning I woke up with this sense of “coming home” , a taste of what it is like to be genuine, to be what I am as a flesh and blood body vs who ‘I’ am as an identity.

It is such a familiar flavour, it is not weird in any sense… everything is in place and finally correct. From this vantage point it is ‘being’ an identity that is weird, somehow out of place, somehow fundamentally off. It’s like I have been driving my car in the wrong gear for all these years and then finally it clicks into the correct one, the one that it should have been in this whole time.

It is weird because it is almost like I am regaining that which I always was, even though I have never lived as a flesh and blood body only. But it is that which has been here all along, masked by ‘my’ presence.

I remember @claudiu wrote some time ago that when feeling good one finds that one is more of the person that they are, not less. And of course it is the same but much more with actual freedom, that which is genuine is uncovered/unchained. The actual human being, the person as opposed to persona is now free to be what they are, what they have been all along.

So I can see it is silly to be worrying about becoming a zombie or a leaf blowing in the wind, or acting like a lunatic or antisocial person, or becoming a looser/bum etc. These are actually quite pathetic excuses/distractions. ‘I’ really believe that ‘I’ know better and yet ‘I’ am the one stuck in the wrong gear!

With being what I am there is such a completeness, in every sense, how could ‘I’ believe that this body would somehow struggle to live the life that ‘I’ have set up. The actual Kuba is not less than ‘me’, ‘I’ am the one who is crippled not him. He is complete in a way that ‘I’ can never be, and here ‘I’ am protecting him from life without ‘me’ :laughing:

I can see why altruism is required, in the face of the cunning that ‘I’ am capable of and the lengths to which ‘I’ will go in order to remain in existence only altruism can do the trick.

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Hi Vineeto,

I can see how what I wrote might read like I was saying it doesn’t matter if I become free now, in 5 minutes, tomorrow or next year with the semantic trick that “It is always just now anyway”.

That is of course false – although time is still, things do happen and this organism is alive and its life-span is finite. And with that in mind yes, of course, the sooner the better!

But I was writing it more like – ok the “later” might be something like, say, a year from now. That is too far ‘into the future’ – one might say better to do it “sooner”, like, say, tomorrow.

But putting it off until ‘tomorrow’ is the same as putting it off until next year – it’s not ‘tomorrow’ now, and in fact it will never be ‘tomorrow’ since when tomorrow comes it will actually be today still :laughing: .

Ok and if ‘tomorrow’ is too far away then what about ‘later today’? Well it’s the same thing… or even ‘in five minutes’. These are all in the future which is not actual now. So in that sense the ‘sooner’ of “in five minutes” is equal in a way to the ‘later’ of “in a year” – because neither are actual.

Maybe if I put it like this. If I always aim to self-immolate “soon” then it seems it will never happen, because ‘soon’ is always in the future. Rather than that, it seems more that it’s a matter of always aiming to do it “right now” whenever I can, whenever I have the opportunity, and this is what will deliver the goods – rather than always aiming to do it “soon”. Aiming to always do it “right now” is what will actually allow it to happen sooner (as in with fewer rotations of the Earth happening), while aiming to always do it “soon” will postpone it further.

Thank you, the point is well-taken :slight_smile:. Especially the note that there is no standing still here, just forward or backward. Forward is clearly the preferable option :grin:

Cheers,
Claudiu

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One thing that has become clear is that whatever feeling-being problem arises, the solution is always: pure intent!

The answer that actually works is always the same: pure intent will ensure the best resolution, by actually solving the emotional issue and also allowing the best outcome that could happen to eventuate.

I observed a resistance to just accepting this. A sort of real-world sophisticate’s response like “ah it can’t be that simple, you have to consider all the angles, this and that and the other” of overcomplicating. In other words, I saw that to accept that simple thing would be to leave ‘humanity’ even further behind, and I felt the pull back towards humanity as a resistance to just doing that.

I just have to accept that ‘humanity’ would not accept this, would mock or ridicule or call it simplistic etc. But far be it from a blind faith in a God or a new-age aphorism, it is actually grounded in fact, scientific, even. After one hundred (or however many) instances of having a problem and pure intent solving it, and it working one hundred times, it’s a one hundred percent success rate. It is thus sensible to extrapolate that in any possible future situation, although I don’t know the specifics of it now, the best outcome will eventuate by following pure intent, by allowing it.

So by fully endorsing it there is one less resistance to going all the way :slight_smile:

Another thought today came up regarding how can a rotten-to-the-core thing such as me the feeling-being, have something so good happen to them as to attain one’s destiny. A lifetime of perennial enjoyment and appreciation, seems an unjust reward for something so rotten.

And then I saw that it is not for ‘me’ the feeling-being that this reward will happen, it is for this actual flesh and blood body. So that which reaps the reward will be the flesh and blood body, not ‘me’. What ‘I’ do get (which is what ‘I’ want) is to no longer have any burden, to cease being malicious and sorrowful, via no longer existing, abdicating the throne. So ‘I’ get what ‘I’ want also but ‘I’ get it by sacrificing ‘myself’ which is something that is very fit to do for a rotten-to-the-core feeling-being.

In other words it all works out for the best for all involved :grin:

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Claudiu: The answer that actually works is always the same: pure intent will ensure the best resolution, by actually solving the emotional issue and also allowing the best outcome that could happen to eventuate.
I observed a resistance to just accepting this. A sort of real-world sophisticate’s response like “ah it can’t be that simple, you have to consider all the angles, this and that and the other” of overcomplicating. In other words, I saw that to accept that simple thing would be to leave ‘humanity’ even further behind, and I felt the pull back towards humanity as a resistance to just doing that.

Hi Claudiu,

Sounds exactly what my parents would say, probably most parents. And they seemed to be right but they did not know about pure intent.

Claudiu: Another thought today came up regarding how can a rotten-to-the-core thing such as me the feeling-being, have something so good happen to them as to attain one’s destiny. A lifetime of perennial enjoyment and appreciation, seems an unjust reward for something so rotten.
And then I saw that it is not for ‘me’ the feeling-being that this reward will happen, it is for this actual flesh and blood body. So that which reaps the reward will be the flesh and blood body, not ‘me’. What ‘I’ do get (which is what ‘I’ want) is to no longer have any burden, to cease being malicious and sorrowful, via no longer existing, abdicating the throne. So ‘I’ get what ‘I’ want also but ‘I’ get it by sacrificing ‘myself’ which is something that is very fit to do for a rotten-to-the-core feeling-being.

The reward ‘you’ get will be blessed oblivion, a yearning that ‘Vineeto’ found to become stronger the closer ‘she’ felt to ‘her’ goal. Once ‘I’ knew the alternative, from my PCEs, ‘my’ existence was more and more exposed to be a burden, burdened with covering up to be a fraud and guilty for existing in the first place (apart from having a great time though). But the yearning for oblivion came from a deep-down feeling more to the fore. It is not that you then “no longer have any burden” but you will no longer be a burden because ‘you’ are the burden. Watch out for these subtle dissociations, they are designed to keep ‘you’ in existence.

Just thought I mention it.

When ‘you’ with all your being desire oblivion because you realize that you are the very burden that is throwing the spanner in the works, then ‘you’ can joyously agree to ‘your’ ending. Only ‘you’ can do it.

Cheers Vineeto

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Claudiu: And I was about to write that the sooner it happens the better, but even this does not seem to convey it exactly, is there really a “sooner” as opposed to a “later”? It is always just now anyway, after all…

Vineeto: This is a copout, a semantic trick, to stifle your intent to become free now, and if not now then at the next opportunity to present itself.

Claudiu: I can see how what I wrote might read like I was saying it doesn’t matter if I become free now, in 5 minutes, tomorrow or next year with the semantic trick that “It is always just now anyway”.
That is of course false – although time is still, things do happen and this organism is alive and its life-span is finite. And with that in mind yes, of course, the sooner the better!
But I was writing it more like – ok the “later” might be something like, say, a year from now. That is too far ‘into the future’ – one might say better to do it “sooner”, like, say, tomorrow.
But putting it off until ‘tomorrow’ is the same as putting it off until next year – it’s not ‘tomorrow’ now, and in fact it will never be ‘tomorrow’ since when tomorrow comes it will actually be today still.

Hi Claudiu,

I perfectly understand what you are saying, and don’t I know it from my own process. (12 years !!)

I also know, whenever Richard said or wrote on the mailing list that “in the end there is only procrastination”, ‘Vineeto’ cringed. It was so undeniable, and yet ‘she’ didn’t know how to stop procrastinating.

The reason I wrote the above sentence “this is a copout” is because it may be beneficial to recognize and acknowledge the fact, even though seeing it may be cringe-worthy because eventually, as Richard says “in the freedom of seeing the fact there is only action.” (link)

There may be still a way to go from clearly seeing the fact and the appropriate action but one can nevertheless bring the final event forward by exposing oneself to the fact that (as a very natural tendency) all an identity can do in the end is to procrastinate.

I remember a little story, which happened in early 2000 – ‘Vineeto’ had had three ‘washing-machine-days’ of unabating emotional upheaval and was at ‘her’ wits end. ‘She’ asked for an audience with Richard and sitting in his living room, again broke out in tears of desperation (and of course I don’t remember the cause at all). After some time had passed, Richard asked, “do you think you would like to be like this for the rest of your life?”

This question was like a magic bullet, it instantly brought ‘Vineeto’ to her senses, literally! No way would ‘she’ want to be like this for the rest of her life, not even for the next 5 minutes! The tears stopped and, although exhausted from so much emotion, ‘she’ felt excellent right away.

This story is not really about procrastination, but it is about seeing things in perspective. Nothing, but nothing, is important enough to put off one’s final destiny, it’s rather a matter which is the right question to bring one to one’s senses or ‘to cut through the red tape’. And in the meantime, nothing is important enough to put one off from enjoying and appreciating being here. Seen in such overall perspective one’s priorities become very clear and obvious.

As Richard said – ain’t life grand.

Cheers Vineeto

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Ha it looks like my priorities are changing indeed, me and @Sonyaxx are in the process of buying a house with all the various complications and what if’s involved and I realise today that whatever apparent importance of this pales in comparison with attaining to one’s destiny / enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive.
That which is made apparent by Pure intent is infinitely more precious, it is really not a comparison at all. So ‘my’ procrastination is seen in a different perspective, ‘I’ am blocking that which is ultimately precious for something that ultimately does not matter at all, what sort of trade is that!?

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Wow and it is so incomparable, this flavour that is ultimately precious, that pure intent shows, that can be tasted in enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, which is the flavour of the final destination. Indeed nothing but nothing is worth getting in the way of this, but this understanding cannot be thought out, it can only be lived now. How incredible that what can be tasted now can undo whatever importance ‘I’ concocted in ‘my’ entire lifetime.

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It’s weird, to experience this ultimate preciousness and how it is available now, it is so profound for ‘me’ that ‘I’ cannot help but feel some kind of sorrow, with tears coming up. I remember this would happen over and over before I had my first PCE, that sorrow would block ‘me’ from going into abeyance just as ‘I’ was on the verge of it happening. Eventually ‘I’ got done with this pattern and the PCE happened. It’s like ‘I’ finally decided / developed the confidence to allow only perfection, whereas this sorrow (which could easily flip into beauty) although seeming very meaningful, it was like ‘my’ last line of defence.

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Hi Vineeto,

Just wanted to say I found the following of what you’ve written recently very relevant and apt (emphases added):

I can relate to these feelings of cringing, recognizing I am rotten, appalled that I am still holding on to my existence, feeling guilty of it as well – it is nice to see ‘Vineeto’ experienced these same things and I can very much see how these feelings all point to me being a burden which it is in my self-interest (as a feeling-being) to no longer be… in other words aligning myself with the goal of self-immolation :slight_smile:

What is undeniably clear, and has been constantly clear since going out-from-control, is that I won’t stop until I have a life that is perfectly clean, clear, and pristine… and thus these feelings of guilt and fraud are incompatible with that goal… and the answer of course isn’t to cover up the feelings or hide from them, but rather acknowledge what they are pointing at – that I am a burden and a fraud and it would be better if I didn’t exist – and then do whatever I can to make that happen :grin:

Cheers,
Claudiu

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Claudiu: What is undeniably clear, and has been constantly clear since going out-from-control, is that I won’t stop until I have a life that is perfectly clean, clear, and pristine… and thus these feelings of guilt and fraud are incompatible with that goal… and the answer of course isn’t to cover up the feelings or hide from them, but rather acknowledge what they are pointing at – that I am a burden and a fraud and it would be better if I didn’t exist – and then do whatever I can to make that happen :grin:

Hi Claudiu,

I am utterly delighted that you can relate to ‘Vineeto’s’ story and draw the obvious conclusion. The very energy of all your feelings which arise can be used as a driving force towards your ultimate goal. None need to be hidden or pushed away, they all now provide energy for moving towards your final destiny. And every time there is more joyous appreciation as a result, and increasing confidence, that your demise is going to happen. As I said before, it’s a fast-running tide carrying you forwards. That’s when the process becomes unstoppable.

It’s a grand adventure.

Cheers Vineeto

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Kuba: Wow and it is so incomparable, this flavour that is ultimately precious, that pure intent shows, that can be tasted in enjoying and appreciating this moment of being alive, which is the flavour of the final destination. Indeed nothing but nothing is worth getting in the way of this, but this understanding cannot be thought out, it can only be lived now. How incredible that what can be tasted now can undo whatever importance ‘I’ concocted in ‘my’ entire lifetime.

Hi Kuba,

It is indeed “incomparable”, and this “flavour” “that can be tasted” is not of the senses, it is an apperceptive experience – it is not of this [‘real’] world.

This “flavour’ is the sweetness, the tenderness, the utter appreciation of pure intent, the very pure intent which is “an actually occurring stream of benevolence and benignity that originates in the vast and utter stillness that is the essential character of the universe itself”. (Pure Intent). It is irresistible whenever you experience it. It is simply beyond compare.

Kuba: It’s weird, to experience this ultimate preciousness and how it is available now, it is so profound for ‘me’ that ‘I’ cannot help but feel some kind of sorrow, with tears coming up. I remember this would happen over and over before I had my first PCE, that sorrow would block ‘me’ from going into abeyance just as ‘I’ was on the verge of it happening. Eventually ‘I’ got done with this pattern and the PCE happened. It’s like ‘I’ finally decided / developed the confidence to allow only perfection, whereas this sorrow (which could easily flip into beauty) although seeming very meaningful, it was like ‘my’ last line of defence.

I suspect that what you call sorrow here might well have been the same “flavour” you described above and it was so overwhelming that it brought tears (of appreciation) to your eyes. Because it was new and unknown then ‘you’ interpreted it as sorrow.
It’s only a guess because it has been my experience, especially for a period after Richard’s death, that pure intent flowed so over-abundantly that I was often overwhelmed to tears, which on closer inspection turned out to be tears of an overwhelming appreciation and also an unprecedented experience of intimacy with the people I came in contact with.

It’s just mirificent to see what it happening at present.

Cheers Vineeto

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