Andrew

[Andrew]

Excellent advice!

i have been contemplating firstly emotionally accepting the situation of me not knowing, and looking at what effect this belief has on me. Side Note: “Emotionally accepting” has come to mean “feeling good” in my thinking. I like to say, “emotionally accepting” as it reminds me of Richards “emotionally accepting the intellectually unacceptable” and many other topics.

Back on topic:
I can see that believing in the need for a magical “resolution”, holds in place resentment (as in, why would the universe do this anyway?), hope, and many other compounding feelings like compassion (including others in the equation). I hadn’t seen just how pervasive this belief is!

The standout effect on my actions is how this belief causes inaction!, as in, if “everything resolves” in some magical way, then that includes me as well!

[Andrew]

So.

I was just balling my eyes out while playing the piano in my mother’s house. On top of the piano are pictures of my dead brothers, my family, and me. My pencil portraits of my brothers hang on the wall.

It’s been a good cry. Long overdue. Been quite a while.

However, the takeaway is that it is my acceptance of myself that counts. It’s me comforting me. I am the one I have been waiting for.

Not that I feel amazing. But, through the way tears and sobbing, it was me listening and being nice to myself that counts.

No one can rescue me. No one is going to make the choice for me to enjoy my life.

I really like this experience. I felt less guilt. More acceptance.

Edit;

I can be a whole lot more useful here.

The tears are not some pure moment. They are pure in the sadness, but the sadness itself is not pure.

The sadness is jealousy.

I am very jealous of my deceased brothers. There is something sick about how this “is”. I don’t say this to put myself down, the purity of accepting myself includes accepting that I am “rotten to the core”.

Both of my late brothers were “specimens “ of men. Muscular. The younger was tall, very handsome, and muscular. On top of that, he was a natural fighter who not only survived two years in maxi security prison, but dominated.

Yeah. It’s all very weird to read. It’s even weirder to live. You can take my word for it.

I am some type of “cluster C” which is related to cluster “B” in that we lack an “ego”.

We lack a clear sense of self. When I say “we”, I am overstepping here. I am pretty sure I have a sense of self, in the ego if way. Pretty sure.

However, it really does worry me when I am balling my eyes out, and know that some of that emotional energy is jealousy and sorrow for myself. Not some sorrow for my brothers whose live were cut short, but for me.

Which, I am sure I always “knew” and this couldn’t cry. It took 5 years to properly cry for the brother down from me who suicided. It was a grea source of guilt that I couldn’t cry for my daughter, without feeling that it was “all about me”.

Hmm.

Choosing to “feel good” NO MATTER WHAT “ isn’t as easy as one may otherwise wish it was.

Whenever I have any success, there is always “this”. “This” being the rejection of any good coming to me, because ‘obviously’ “I am not worthy of mercy “ let alone being nice to myself.

[Andrew]

The upside is, there are no “conditions “ being set by the actual world.

As soon as I am there, and it’s now, altruistic self sacrifice can happen.

I am fortunate that it’s not a “slot machine “ where one must have deposited a certain number of “feel good” coins before one can collect the “freedom ticket”.

No. One clear moment, one clean shot, bam! It’s all “right here, now”.

[Kub933]

Hi Andrew,

@Andrew

firstly, when I am posting regularly like i have been doing lately, I wake up each morning with the cringing feeling “what did I say? Oh, that is …ugh..”

However, whenever I feel that embarrassment arise, or that hesitancy creep in, I ask myself something like “If I feel that NOT posting is the correct thing to do, then who is running this show? A feeling!”

Oh I know this feeling so well! At times I would have been chilling out and all of a sudden it’s like a bus just drove into me screaming “what the hell have you just posted publicly!?”

I find if I write about some solid discovery I made then the feeling is not there, experientially knowing something provides the assurance. But when I am working something out there is indeed that embarrassed, cringy, vulnerable etc feeling. But then it makes sense, ‘I’ am after all spilling out ‘my’ psychological and psychic workings onto the screen to be likely exposed for a furphy. Also I have found a similar ‘vulnerable’ feeling when allowing myself to be more unsophisticated and not just on the forum but in general.

This feeling has gone from being almost crippling in the past to just something that pops up in the background, I guess I just accept it as par for the course now. But I do wonder if that kind of feeling can disappear altogether when naivete is allowed fully. After all ‘my’ condition is the ‘human condition’, the shame, embarrassment etc rests on ‘my’ belief that it is all personal to ‘me’.

[Felipe]

Reminded me of the duality of the introverted meme

[Andrew]

I am writing this post as a “placeholder “ for a moment which I have had some glimpses of. That sentence made no sense at all, but I really wanted to say “placeholder “ so I did and it felt good, twice!

I almost went out this morning to buy a small laptop which would allow me to type properly. Then I remembered reading all the nonsense I had typed on this iPad 3 years ago in the “harmlessness” thread, and i thought; “nah, I think I am good!, having to finger type is probably a saving grace!”

I wanted to post about a couple of cool things, but I am reluctant to do that. That is because, as we established not long ago, my posts have been very “performative art pieces” over the years, with drama, and catharsis and sometimes agreement with Actualism!

What I am enjoying, on the whole, is sticking with the wording and presentation of Actualism and the Method. For example, the phase “emotional acceptance “ is now part of how I think. “Choosing what I feel” (thus who I am) is the current work in progress. As in, there is no hidden meaning, some dark secret, or final boss, when it come to success with feeling good. It’s a choice!

My favourite “choice” is to induce naive enjoyment through funny/ silly songs that bring my attention to my surroundings and that I am not having a PCE at the moment, but I could be!

It’s made Adam’s “modes of failure “ so obvious too. I can ramp up a level of enjoyment and enthusiasm, but then promptly “forget” and start on some worrisome thoughts.

Emotionally accepting myself in these moments means I can start to gently wonder why this particular thought is so important that I would choose it over the possibility of a PCE and enjoying myself?

Although this particular experience (of inducing naive enjoyment and acceptance) is mostly reserved to when I am walking, (singing silly songs at work has yet to be attempted), the memory of the success has a sustained effect on me. The same question remains, when I remember it “why am I doing this feeling now when I could be feeling great and potentially be in a PCE or more?”

[Andrew]

Kub933's Journal

I was just walking around the river, having a successful time (as per my journal post of a couple hours back), and this exact consideration arose, but in reverse! I was wondering, after having been considering how I was nostalgia*, and how in a PCE or Freedom, I wouldn’t be there and “what would take my place?” It was a thought and feeling that “nothing “ would take my place that seemed somewhat sad to me, but almost immediately I caught the extreme irony of being in anyway worried that nothi…

So,

Nostalgia. It’s a very powerful thing to be. Intoxicating in the way it combines beauty, meaning, the remembered innocence of youth, of love, of simpler times. But also, of sunsets, and the waning of life. Of the grasping at some moment, which slips through one’s affective ‘fingers’.

The river was particularly picturesque today. Being an affluent out of the way suburb , there is a certain serenity to the place. The sun sets over the river, with the cockatoos flying about, the boats moored in the river slewing to match the tumbling softness of the moderate south westerly breeze.

Each view could be a postcard. My feelings are that I want to capture this moment, but more than that, I am feeling nostalgia, which is way more than just a postcard.

All the art I ever drew, the music I wrote, but more than that the entire catalogue of art and music in my memory, has strong appeals to feelings, but some of the most powerful are those inducing nostalgia.

What is left if nostalgia disappears? Immediately, I sort of know that it is all a silly game. Just like the postcards my eyes want to make out of the sun on the water, the boats and the birds, my mind imagines that nostalgia can be “lived in”.

That the feeling, that I, can live in that cozy, romantic, and beautiful “place”.

Later, while still feeling this and otherwise looking around at the beautiful houses, I imagined myself owning one that had windows facing the river. This gave rise to despondency. That even with that house, and that view, and that amount of space, I would still sit around and pursue art, and music to express some nostalgia, or sadness, or whatever. I saw myself being exactly who I am . Nostalgic, sad, romantic, despondent, whatever.

Another aspect of nostalgia is legacy. Leaving a legacy, following someone else’s legacy. In other words, Being a legend. I considered the whole time my sons. My love, and love in general. How nostalgic it is to love. How “postcard” like it is! Snapshots of times together. Imagined times when I am no longer alive and they remember me. Nostalgia and love feel full, but only when one chooses to believe in it. It’s hollow and cold when the sun starts to set, and the wind picks up a bit and it’s a tad chilly!

Anyway, at some point the question arose in response to the idea of a PCE or Freedom “what would replace me?” and I laughed a lot at the irony.

[Andrew]

Kub933's Journal

Kuba: I am seeing all this more clearly now, also I see where I have been going wrong in the past. The words “taking ‘myself’ into actuality” really summarise what ‘I’ had been doing. It’s all in the distinction between self-enhancing/ maintaining and self-diminishing. Back around the time of the fake out from control ‘I’ kept ‘myself’ intact, do-er and all, and then tried to shove this package into some manufactured, new state of ‘being’, that is the wrong direction, this is all self-enhancing…

I really really like this explanation of the process of Actualism.

My word. What a screaming baby I have been!

[Vineeto]

Kuba: Richard described ‘my’ self-immolation, that after the fact one (as a flesh and blood body) can know that ‘I’ never actually existed in the first place, and yet for ‘me’ it is a death which is as real as it gets. (link)

Andrew: I was just walking around the river, having a successful time (as per my journal post of a couple hours back), and this exact consideration arose, but in reverse!
I was wondering, after having been considering how I was nostalgia, and how in a PCE or Freedom, I wouldn’t be there and “what would take my place?”
It was a thought and feeling that “nothing” would take my place that seemed somewhat sad to me, but almost immediately I caught the extreme irony of being in anyway worried that nothing would take my place, considering just what a mess I make! All the years of anger and sadness, malice and sorrow, frustration and despondency! How would “nothing” be worse than that!!??

I genuinely laughed for a good five minutes, carefully avoiding appearing like a madman when a person passed the other way, but the proceeding to grin my face off with just how ridiculous it was to think and feel that “nothing” was something somehow worse than me! (link)

Hi Andrew,

It’s a pity, that such a potentially beneficial insight only strikes you as “irony” – synonyms: sarcasm, dryness, sharpness, acerbity, bitterness, cynicism, mockery, ridicule. At best it can mean ‘wryly amusing’. The reason I say “it’s a pity” is because the same insight – that when ‘you’ disappear nothing will be left, is the most wonderful condition, the most marvellous beneficence and benevolence one can experience. That is, when you rid yourself of the ‘first commandment’ of ‘me’ that “I have to be somebody”, even temporarily.

Then your genuinely laughter will have no tinge of dryness, bitterness, cynicism or ridicule to it, then you can enjoy the genuine delight of experientially understanding that you can change your human nature to the point where you allow yourself to disappear, simply because it is the only thing that makes sense.

Permit yourself to come back to this contemplation, it has great potential – “How would ‘nothing’ be worse than” the mess ‘I’ make? This “nothing” means that when ‘I’ abdicate the throne it will make the perfection of the actual world apparent.

Andrew: The river was particularly picturesque today. Being an affluent out of the way suburb , there is a certain serenity to the place. The sun sets over the river, with the cockatoos flying about, the boats moored in the river slewing to match the tumbling softness of the moderate south westerly breeze.
Each view could be a postcard. My feelings are that I want to capture this moment, but more than that, I am feeling nostalgia, which is way more than just a postcard.
All the art I ever drew, the music I wrote, but more than that the entire catalogue of art and music in my memory, has strong appeals to feelings, but some of the most powerful are those inducing nostalgia.

Mmh, nostalgia consists of a range of feelings when living in the imagination, colouring the past, often with rosy colours but soon vacillating to doom and desperation. One can revel for a while in the ‘good’ feeling side of it but as you describe yourself, it eventually turns into its opposite, despondency and sadness.

I recommend to ‘nip it in the bud’ as soon as you become aware of it and get back to genuinely feeling good, sensuously enjoy and appreciate being alive now, in this only actively-experienced moment.

Richard: Sensuousness is the wondrous awareness of the marvel of being here now at this moment in time and this place in space – which awareness is combined with the fascination of contemplating that this moment is one’s only moment of being alive – and one is never alive at any other time than now. And, wherever one is … now … one is always here … now … even if one starts walking over to ‘there’ … now … along the way to ‘there’ … now … one is always here … now … and when one arrives ‘there’ … now … it too is here … now. (Actual Freedom Library, Sensuousness).

Andrew: Another aspect of nostalgia is legacy. Leaving a legacy, following someone else’s legacy. In other words, Being a legend. I considered the whole time my sons. (…) (link)

Here is a radical suggestion if you will – how about a legacy of becoming anonymous – being nobody in particular and living in delight and wonder, doing nothing really well. First you learn the skills of ‘being’ less, diminishing the demands of ‘me’ and of society at large.

Instead, you allow yourself to appreciate what is already here when ‘you’ are quiet, cherish what you see, the birds and the colours in the sky and the picturesque river, savour the sounds you hear, smell the scents in the air, feel the friendly balmy air of a summer evening.

Then, when you mastered the skills and joys of being nobody in particular, and it happens more and more of its own accord, it becomes an art of living and you let life live you. No demands, no responsibility, just sensibly taking care of necessities. Wouldn’t that be a legacy worth passing on for the benefit of everyone who cares to emulate it?

Cheers Vineeto

[Andrew]

Cheers Vineeto!

It really amazing that you picked up on my use of the word irony! I hadn’t spotted that indeed there was a “wryly amusing” aspect to it. I am pleased that I used the word, and it had that meaning, in that it was accurate to an extent for sure. There was also a general gladness that I had found it funny too, but it is accurate that there was a slightly cynical and self reproach in the humour.

The next day, which was yesterday, I had a very heavy time dealing with beauty, specifically I saw an old image of me, and waves of hatred and disgust swept over me. The coincidence of the previous days “nostalgia “ attack wasn’t lost on me, as these two, “nostalgia “ and “hating my looks” have been bubbling away unexamined for a very long while.

This is because I was not putting in the effort to make the method (the Actualism method, with all that implies) the number one thing in my life, so it makes sense that with my recent determination, these “elephant in the room” issues would march up to me and sit on my head! They were both my secret guilty indulgences. My favourite ways to keep being me.

I didn’t write anything yesterday as I hadn’t been able to really get back to a solid “feel good “. The working day was actually quite good though, and reading your message was so refreshing!

Time for a walk!

Cheers

Andrew

[Vineeto]

Andrew: Cheers Vineeto!
It really amazing that you picked up on my use of the word irony! I hadn’t spotted that indeed there was a “wryly amusing” aspect to it. I am pleased that I used the word, and it had that meaning, in that it was accurate to an extent for sure. There was also a general gladness that I had found it funny too, but it is accurate that there was a slightly cynical and self-reproach in the humour.
The next day, which was yesterday, I had a very heavy time dealing with beauty, specifically I saw an old image of me, and waves of hatred and disgust swept over me. The coincidence of the previous days “nostalgia” attack wasn’t lost on me, as these two, “nostalgia” and “hating my looks” have been bubbling away unexamined for a very long while.
This is because I was not putting in the effort to make the method (the Actualism method, with all that implies) the number one thing in my life, so it makes sense that with my recent determination, these “elephant in the room” issues would march up to me and sit on my head! They were both my secret guilty indulgences. My favourite ways to keep being me.
I didn’t write anything yesterday as I hadn’t been able to really get back to a solid “feel good”. The working day was actually quite good though, and reading your message was so refreshing!
Time for a walk!
Cheers Andrew (link)

G’day Andrew,

I am pleased you could relate to that and recognize the “self-reproach in the humour” – not exactly being kind to yourself, isn’t it. And as a result of being aware of the “self-reproach” you discovered another “elephant in the room” named not being a friend to yourself – well done. It’s hard for me to picture you living life with two elephants “sit on your head”! What a hilarious metaphor, thank you for the humour.

Well, now that your “secret guilty indulgences” are out in the open you cannot maintain them any longer, these ones have lost their credibility. You are well on your way to unearth more of such ‘secrets’ which cannot survive honest scrutiny – and thus the reasons for not feeling good are diminished day by day.

Perhaps you can now understand what it means when Kuba said –

Kuba: I can experience what happens when for a period of time ‘I’ become somewhat diluted/irrelevant, then it is seen that ‘I’ have arrogated ‘myself’ over life with disastrous consequences, and then when this is seen all of a sudden everything is already in its rightful place. (link)

Or when I wrote –

Vineeto: I think the two most potent techniques at any stage in the process are

1. being kind to yourself and
2. put everything on an ‘it-doesn’t-really-matter’ basis.
   If you can sincerely and consistently apply both these techniques, the process of undoing your ‘self’ is increasingly enjoyable and immense cause for appreciation. (link)

When you understand the principle how it works you can apply the same medicine for all the ‘elephant-issues’, or the same technique to all obstacles to enjoying and appreciating being alive right now, right here. Peter called his journal “Freedom … another word for nothing left to lose …” (paraphrasing from an old Janis Joplin song). It fits, doesn’t it?

Cheers Vineeto

[Andrew]

Thanks Vineeto,

I have been attempting the second point,

@Vineeto

put everything on an ‘it-doesn’t-really-matter’ basis.

Went looking for more on the AFT website as well, though didn’t find anything. I will have another look this evening. I remember Richard writing about “nothing ultimately matters”, but not “it doesn’t really matter “ basis.

Is it in an article?

Cheers

Andrew

[Vineeto]

@Andrew

Thanks Vineeto,
I have been attempting the second point,

@Vineeto

put everything on an ‘it-doesn’t-really-matter’ basis.

Went looking for more on the AFT website as well, though didn’t find anything. I will have another look this evening. I remember Richard writing about “nothing ultimately matters”, but not “it doesn’t really matter“ basis.

Is it in an article?

Hi Andrew,

You can search the word “preference” here and there is some selected Vineeto correspondence with quotes from Richard on this topic here as well.

Cheers Vineeto

[Andrew]

Journal de Henry

Jon: What did Richard say about shit like this? Something to the effect of accepting an unacceptable world as it is… Hi Jon, When you surmise what Richard said, it would be advisable and beneficial for your fellow readers to actually check “what did Richard say about” with what he actually said. Richard never said “something to the effect of accepting an unacceptable world as it is…” Here is what Richard suggested to those interested in doing something about the human condition for themselv…

[Andrew]

I am looking forward to beauty and ugliness disappearing.

What an absolute disaster they have been!

[Andrew]

Putting this here for continuity of things I find important.

Unlocking the power of being empowered to be you

Thanks Vineeto, I appreciate the time you take to read and respond so insightfully to this forum! It was a contemplation today that it is a privilege to have you responding to us here. I often remind myself that actual freedom is what it says on the box! There is actual freedom! There is no responsibility or obligation to be a part of this forum, or anything like it. I patted myself on the back for being sincere enough that you could read and comment on it. I was pushing into the ‘cringe’ to …

[Andrew]

Unlocking the power of being empowered to be you

Andrew: Thanks Vineeto, I appreciate the time you take to read and respond so insightfully to this forum! It was a contemplation today that it is a privilege to have you responding to us here. Hi Andrew, You are very welcome and it speaks for your perspicacity of your contemplation. Andrew: I often remind myself that actual freedom is what it says on the box! There is actual freedom! There is no responsibility or obligation to be a part of this forum, or anything like it. Here is the co…

[Andrew]

Vineeto said; “That is great – and that is also one aspect of what you later mentioned as “cut to the chase” . Now you know how to share without having to ‘cringe’ afterwards. Find out what happens when you acknowledge, that loneliness is merely a feeling and there is no obligation to fulfill this feeling’s demands.”

This last sentence of yours has been a theme for me for a while “no obligation to fulfill this feeling’s demands”.

I am seeing now that because I have ignored many subtle feelings, and generally been focused on the demands of the “big ones” (fear, sadness, anger), the details of the genuine feeling happening, which can make a difference, have been glossed over.

For example, I saw today in addition to loneliness, I was blocking out any desire for physical touch. It’s now over two years of celibacy, and I had thought that with the reduction of libido, and whatever other factors, desire and affection were not going to feature much more.

But! I was ignoring all the dreams of women I have when asleep. Or not so much ignoring them, but not considering their importance. I have had plenty of girlfriends in my sleep! Haha

This also had a parallel today when walking. I should be enjoying myself based on the circumstances. There were moments, and there was a moment or two of naïveté, well, the curiosity that is a childhood “friend” to naïveté.

The should was obvious. I was trying to force myself to “enjoy “. I started to notice that I “lump” emotional “feeling good” in with conditional enjoyment. As in, a nice soft lounge is preferred to a grass lawn, and a grass lawn preferred to a patch of dirt. As I looked around, I wanted a soft couch!

I started to see that separating out my preferences from my emotions is an aspect of what ‘feeling good’ is all about. The “come what may”.

It’s not that the river isn’t pleasant, but I emotionally tire of it as I prefer to be at home in my comfy chair! Noticing when a preference is being ignored, or otherwise the feeling being ignored one two things for me to work on; one being as sincere as possible about my feelings in as much subtle detail as I can, and two letting preferences be seperate to the goal of feeling good.

However, I lost the theme I was wanting to talk about concerning “…merely a feeling and there is no obligation to fulfill this feelings demands “.

I think it’s worth posting rather than not posting. Even though there is , and will be, feelings and demands, I can see that having sincerity can bring everything back on track, even if the initial inspiration was misguided but well intended. (Empowering myself to post, even though I already post a lot. Haha)

Cheers
Andrew

Edit; I am going to get a laptop. Re-reading my post was confusing! I am typing on an iPad, but I find it’s far more awkward than when I type at work.

[Andrew]

I am putting this post here as a personal reminder in case the “forgetting “ mode of failure happens.

Emotionally accepting involves a detachment from conditions or outcomes, and a single feeling reality (feeling good, feeling happy and harmless) being the “come what may “ reality.

This seems daunting, and beyond radical. Having simultaneously an emotional reality which is feeling good et al, and an intellectual reality which correctly navigates the world of unacceptable things.

I honestly never thought about this long enough to see the obvious implications.

(I am not objecting here)

This post is more so that I have it for the next time I am looking at what the “last thing I wrote is”.

[Andrew]

Additionally, as a placeholder for this thought: ignoring the first impulse in any behavior/decision, and going for a second thought, or as best to a sensible one as possible. The idea being, the first impulse is going to be the unintelligent feeling more than the second or third which will be more conditioned feelings, and progressively have less distance between sensible thoughts and behaviors.

The idea being, feelings arrive faster than a “thought through decision”, so as a blanket rule, ignoring the first impulse is going to catch the majority of blind reactiveness.

the rest of the time, leaning into sensuousness, and general “external” awareness of what is actually going on, and the opportunity that “change only happens now”.