Andrew

Journals
1469

Vineeto: “That is great – and that is also one aspect of what you later mentioned as “cut to the chase”. Now you know how to share without having to ‘cringe’ afterwards. Find out what happens when you acknowledge, that loneliness is merely a feeling and there is no obligation to fulfill this feeling’s demands.”

Andrew: This last sentence of yours has been a theme for me for a while “no obligation to fulfill this feeling’s demands”.

Hi Andrew,

It is indeed a good theme to keep at the front of your mind and helps to shift from urges to preferences upon sensible contemplation on dominant feelings.

Andrew: I am seeing now that because I have ignored many subtle feelings, and generally been focused on the demands of the “big ones” (fear, sadness, anger), the details of the genuine feeling happening, which can make a difference, have been glossed over.
For example, I saw today in addition to loneliness, I was blocking out any desire for physical touch. It’s now over two years of celibacy, and I had thought that with the reduction of libido, and whatever other factors, desire and affection were not going to feature much more.
But! I was ignoring all the dreams of women I have when asleep. Or not so much ignoring them, but not considering their importance. I have had plenty of girlfriends in my sleep! Haha
This also had a parallel today when walking. I should be enjoying myself based on the circumstances. There were moments, and there was a moment or two of naïveté, well, the curiosity that is a childhood “friend” to naïveté.

Ah, once you get into the habit of not instantly fulfilling the dominant feeling’s demands you become aware of the more subtle feelings which “have been glossed over”. Can you see that this increased sensitivity and its accompanying information about how you ‘tick’ helps you to shift to more enjoyment and appreciation?

Andrew: The should was obvious. I was trying to force myself to “enjoy”. I started to notice that I “lump” emotional “feeling good” in with conditional enjoyment. As in, a nice soft lounge is preferred to a grass lawn, and a grass lawn preferred to a patch of dirt. As I looked around, I wanted a soft couch!
I started to see that separating out my preferences from my emotions is an aspect of what ‘feeling good’ is all about. The “come what may”.
It’s not that the river isn’t pleasant, but I emotionally tire of it as I prefer to be at home in my comfy chair! Noticing when a preference is being ignored, or otherwise the feeling being ignored one two things for me to work on; one being as sincere as possible about my feelings in as much subtle detail as I can, and two letting preferences be separate to the goal of feeling good.
However, I lost the theme I was wanting to talk about concerning “…merely a feeling and there is no obligation to fulfill this feelings demands”.

Excellent, the more attention you pay to how you affectively experience this moment the more you have the choice to nudge it towards feeling good.

Andrew: I think it’s worth posting rather than not posting. Even though there is, and will be, feelings and demands, I can see that having sincerity can bring everything back on track, even if the initial inspiration was misguided but well intended. (Empowering myself to post, even though I already post a lot. Haha) (link)

I agree with you – writing it down often helps to stay on track in one’s thinking and to come back to the original question/ theme after branching out into various explorations –

Q(1): I have a lot of trouble with thinking – with my thoughts – and what is the work in it, or the effort in it, is that they always have tracks that want to be followed and they are hard to catch … to catch me …
R: Going off on a stray thought?
Q(1): They are keeping me so busy … that I …
R: Yes, but you can actually have fun with this. Have you ever followed a thought right through to its very end?
Q(1): I’m not very good at that.
R: Would you like to? It is fun! You start off with an original thought – you may be silent for a while and a thought pops into your head – and you take particular notice of what that thought is. Put a mental circle around it, or some stars or something, to lock that original thought securely. Then just let your thought wander … you wander with your thoughts … following them through to wherever they go. You will go off into a side branch … and that will branch off into another side branch … and into another and another … and so on. Then you are completely lost. This is the normal way of thinking.
Q(1): Yes, right.
R: Your thoughts meander. Learn to catch yourself meandering; let the meandering go on and after a period of time – three or four minutes – take note. Think to yourself: ‘Wow, where am I at? Where did I start in all this?’ Then you come back to that original thought that you marked and locked in securely. You start with that thought again. Once more, let your thought proceed … this time you will meander off in another direction … and off along another branch … and another … and so on. Once again catch yourself after a while; you may say: ‘Oh, that is interesting, I went off into a side-track there!’ Come back to your original thought that you put a circle around and you will find that it has progressed a little – before you started to meander for the second time you proceeded a short way. So you put a ring around that and – it is so lovely to do this – and then eventually you will be able to follow a thought right through to its very end. And when you do get to the end, some magic can happen. It is so wonderful to do this! You can spend an hour or two doing this; following a thought, meandering, coming back, wandering again, coming back … and so forth.
We can do this in a talk, a discussion. We start this particular conversation that we are having now, and what I do is I mentally note how it started. Everybody can have an input and we can talk and talk and explore and discover – we meander. After a while you will find me saying something like: ‘To get back to what we were talking about at the beginning …’ and that brings everybody back to the original topic. Then off we go again, to wander and ramble again – and I take note of where we progressed to before we digressed for the second time …
Q(1): But the interesting part is that I … not the meandering, but the earlier I catch the meandering and go back to the original … but … oh, I see; the important thing is that I follow the trunk.
R: Right to the very end. It is a lovely thing to do – it is delicious – because you get to know the workings of your own mind. This is your brain in action. (Richard, Audio-taped Dialogues, Silly or Sensible)

Andrew: Additionally, as a placeholder for this thought: ignoring the first impulse in any behavior/ decision, and going for a second thought, or as best to a sensible one as possible. The idea being, the first impulse is going to be the unintelligent feeling more than the second or third which will be more conditioned feelings, and progressively have less distance between sensible thoughts and behaviors.
The idea being, feelings arrive faster than a “thought through decision”, so as a blanket rule, ignoring the first impulse is going to catch the majority of blind reactiveness.
the rest of the time, leaning into sensuousness, and general “external” awareness of what is actually going on, and the opportunity that “change only happens now”. (link)

This is an excellent discovery and worth sticking on your fridge, so to speak. I like it.

Feelings are indeed both faster and more dominant compared to rational, sensible thoughts in the information chain of the brain (link).

Cheers Vineeto

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1470

Thanks Vineeto,

I am relieved you like it, I had been intending to give it more time, but as that is often my first thought/ feeling, I went with the follow up thoughts and said “it’s better this get written down, as it is working!”

I found it far easier to be reminded of my emotions because I had the “arena” set in my head that all first feelings can “go through to the keeper “ (cricket analogy), that is I am not trying to preempt or force a mood, the mood is the acceptance of myself, and that I do want to do better for myself.

That is the mood, it actually creating interest. Even when driving, which is two hours of my day in peak hour, there is interest , as what annoyance is arising, or tension, that is ok, it more interesting as to why this or that is arising!

For example, I was behind someone going much slower that the speed limit. I wasn’t in any hurry, but I wondered why I am ever in a hurry? Or why there is often unnecessary hurry, better said. Habit! It just a habit many times.

Of course, other times there are different reasons. Even my “pet peeve “ tail-gating, it became more and more interesting contemplating all the different reasons someone may drive in the dangerous way. Some just don’t know better, some are aggressive, some are getting a sense of power even though they are not specifically angry, etc. Thinking about all the different ways someone may be driving automatically makes reactions secondary.

The other thing that this opens up was experiencing vibes. I could tell, as far as my feelings were concerned, when someone was being aggressive, and when it was just a “thing they do”. At least, I was open to the possibility I was experiencing vibes.

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1471

I have to write this down! Been going back and forth on writing it for 2 hours.

First reaction; instinctual passions, deeply ingrained habitual traumatic self…no real choice here.

Second reaction; conditioning. Morality, religion, socialisation, the level of things like guilt, but also will bounce one back into yet another round of the first reaction.

Third layer, which can morph into the third alternative of Actualism. A sensible and thoughtful response is possible here, a distinct and obvious choice is available. Intentions, and intelligence peaking through.

I realise Richard did not use the words “third alternative “ specifically in this sense, but boy, does it give me a sense of “I can do this” to think of it like this.

I can’t directly “end myself “ in that ‘I’ have already happened before any sensible part of ‘me’ (the closer to intelligent parts) has any chance of showing up.

So I can start to skip the second level. Why go through the moral and compensation layers designed to control the out of control self, if I can cruise through to the sensible choice layer?

I am, of course, riffing on this, but it sounds and seems so far “doable”.

1472

Driving is funny. I remember saying to my now retired dad when he was giving me a ride to the airport while we were on time and yet he was getting road rage (paraphrasing): “calm down, you are retired, you have nowhere to go, nothing to do, no time constraints whatsoever”.

I have been in a sabbatical for a year now, nothing to do, nowhere/nowhen to go, and yet I often find myself in the same unnecessary rush just like my father.

It’s reflective of our general intuitive state: we don’t want to drive, we want to arrive. Same can be said of our actualism generally speaking. “I want freedom now, I don’t want to walk the damn path!”

All while driving is such a fun thing to do, just marveling at the engineering miracle you are controlling, in concert with hundreds of drivers around you, while nice wind hits your skin and you are listening to your favorite music.

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1473

Yeah, it highlights the absurd way habits persist even when there is no reason. I mean, if one was late to work and was in a situation where that had been a habit, and one’s boss was going to give you a written warning, one could somewhat excuse a desperate attempt at being on time to work. However, I have not been in a situation for at least a couple of decades, where it mattered that much when I got to work. It’s been more a matter of professional respect to be within a window of arrival.

So why would there be any annoyance or anger within my behaviour when someone makes a decision that may, in an extreme case, add a few seconds to my journey!:joy:

Edit: I am seeing this as “low hanging fruit “ which I have neglected to harvest. Richard wasn’t making things up when he said much of it is habitual!

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1475

For my own reference, leveraging my love of forums;

There have been billions of humans before me, billions alive right now. Two things are obvious:

1] it wasn’t going to be easy, or they all would have done it.
2) it ultimately doesn’t matter, the universe isn’t waiting on me.

Edit: also my potentially controversial “hot take”; this is probably more than twice as hard as becoming enlightened/illuminated. I say this as I was all sorts of illuminated in my twenties and early thirties, and since all sorts of absolutely no where near actually free since!

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Hi Andrew,

Recognizing that this ‘habit’ of wanting to get there quickly, even when it doesn’t matter, has been persistent throughout your life, and that of millions of others, is perhaps worth further investigation.

Could it be that sitting in a car for a period of time, and beyond ‘your’ control into the bargain, where your mind is idle without much distraction, allows more often than not the basic resentment of being here to surface?

Cheers Vineeto

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1477

Thanks Vineeto,

I would not have considered that in a proverbial “million years “ but it a radical thought which I would call “very deep”.

Certainly, all sorts of resentments (from outrage to being wryly amused) are present. To think that the basic resentments of “being here” is the fundamental level though, that’s very eye opening to think.

I like how straight forward that is to contemplate. How it can be that I am always in some level of this resentment, at that blind level, and all the stories can be simplified.

I have already, as of 3 weeks ago, quit the job which necessitated travelling on the freeway.

I will finish painting my mother’s house and will move in the next few months to Tasmania.

The challenge of overcoming the “insanity of sanity” in the “big smoke” has proven too much for me. Staying just doesn’t make any sense on any level.

Cheers

Andrew

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1478

Hi Andrew,

It is quite simple, really. When you report, sitting in slow traffic in a car and get irritated, or annoyed, it means you are not enjoying this moment being alive. You don’t enjoy being here.

Why? For instance, you are more or less oblivious to the magnificence of your surroundings, the technology which is involved in being able to have a car and drive a car, the skill involved in driving, the network of roads and traffic control, the adjacent landscape, the air temperature, the sounds and the splendour of this amazing planet itself.

For instance, you are also not aware that this moment is the only moment you can actively experience being alive – not the moment when you left home, not the time you arrive at your destination, but this very moment you are here, now. And furthermore, you are not aware that it is always this moment, wherever you are, it is always now.

In short, when you not aware of all I described above, you don’t like being here. You (temporarily) forgot that your intent in feeling good is to imitate the actual – as is virtually experienced when you feel excellent – and remembering that you forgot, you can realize that you can experience such excellence again, now – because actuality in its perfection is already here once ‘you’ and ‘your’ complaints get out of the way.

When you look at this resentment of being here, really look at this basic resentment of having been born, you might grasp how extraordinarily silly it is to hold onto it and nurse it like a precious gem. One such penetrating insight can be enough to be done with it for the rest of your life – it just takes a little courage to let go of something you previously considered ‘your bosom buddy’.

Your destiny is in your hands and your hands alone – and who would want it any other way. To realise – and actualise – this is what makes you autonomous.

Cheers Vineeto

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Kub933's Journal
Kub933's Journal
1479

Note from the last few trips to work in peak hour.

I notice that I separate people out into the few “bad” ones, and the “rest of us”, I am of course always in the “rest of us”.

So I am able to get angry because I have myself in a category which is not the “bad” ones.

I also noticed that i have become more reclusive, even in public. Where I used to be more out-going, I have stopped doing that. Which is the same resentment, different situation.

When i went for my walk, I deliberately made the effort to at least grin at passing strangers and articulate some soft greeting.

the take away of all of that is everyone is afflicted with the ‘human condition’ and when I separate out those with obvious “bad” behavior as indication that some are fundamentally worse, is how I get me justification for anger, and aloofness.

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1480

So there is a voice in my head which is silently screaming at me “do you have no shame.!?” when I post.

I don’t mean to be dramatic, it’s accurate to say it’s silent. It doesn’t literally have a voice. It has many voice like qualities.

This is the fight I have been in, which drives me to become narcissistic, in that I create a self to talk about.

I started reading this journal, all the way back to 2021, and the cringe was absolute shame. I could read only a few posts before waves of shame washed over me.

Then I began to feel sorrow and anger, and the pattern that plays out these days of anger to do with my current situation in the final week at work.

For a moment I saw something different though in myself. Just as I started to swing over to creating a story about how good it is that I post and have a feeling of bittersweet self-empowerment, I felt naïveté.

I felt something split off from the pendulum from shame to self-aggrandising sorrow. Actually, better said, self-aggrandising sorrow et al, splits of from it.

This post is so that I do not forget, there is a space where I am not shame, sorrow or anger. There is a me in here which isn’t being concocted and invented. A me as close to innocent that a ‘self’ can be.

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1481

It sounds like you must be doing something right by exposing the shame.

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1482

I was reflecting this morning on it, and I think it is two things Richard talks about

  1. Sincerity leads to naivete
  2. Neither expressing or repressing leads to a third alternative.

I had been walking earlier yesterday evening, and was still quite angry from some events in the day. I was trying to replicate the “neither express or repress” story Richard wrote about with his first wife. Rather than trying to “calm down”, which struck me as a buddhist thing to be doing. Letting it rise without acting on it. I wanted more of it, but there was nothing to fuel it so nothing much happened, but it did present that action as a more viable option than going around in circles trying to “investigate it”, which version of which has proven not to be the type of investigation that richard would do. (Or this would have been a much shorter journal…smile)

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1483

Another great day of small steps, but big consequences.

I was in traffic having an internal conversation with something about work. It was fueled by the fact the new GM is “throwing out” the last 2 years of what I have built, and the program that I use is to be discontinued. It has plenty on different feelings in it, but at the point the imaginary conversation I was doing some mental mathematics to prove a point. I was in bumper to bumper traffic moving at walking speed, when a car cut in front of me without an indicator, and had I not braked would have hit my car. I restrained hitting the horn, and otherwise wanted the whole annoying incident to just pass. That is, whatever happened, I was more interested in getting back to my imaginary conversation, and internally I said “forget him (the driver in front) and get back to your silly conversation!”.

I immediately saw that I was being mean to myself! Not only was neither the conversation much fun, or the traffic, or the car cutting me off, but I had put myself down , while indulging in the rumination!

Later, while walking, I was thinking about this, and saw that every time I have done this to myself, been internally harsh, even when the wording isn’t overtly mean, I am making myself even more repressed and rebellious.

It dawned on me that working with myself, gently, benefits me, I get the reward of feeling good, or enjoying the moment.

It sounds strange, but it hadn’t ever dawned on me like that. I get to feel good. By working out and diminishing some part of ‘me’, ‘I’ get to feel good!

There isn’t a down side.!! :joy:

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1484

I think this may be the “foolish feeling “ Richard talked about! It’s pleasantly funny, with a flavour of “how on earth?” Mixed in.

‘I’ get to enjoy and appreciate. ‘I’ am the ‘rotten to the core’ “problem “ being the genetic spawn of blind nature, but ‘I’ get to enjoy and appreciate!!

That just had not clicked before. How weird does that sound!??

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1485

I had a lovey walk today. Brisk. I am writing this in respect of myself. I did well. There wasn’t some “amazing “ moment, but there was this kindness towards myself. I was stressed, and have been for years, but I was kind. There was no, “you should’ve “ and “why aren’t you “ , and well-trod despondency.

On my walk, a really unusual group of young people were walking the other way. For context, I am in one of the richest suburbs in my city, with the median age being at least my own (50]. This gaggle of goth, futurist , anime- like kids , at least ten of them, were walking towards me, within meters of my house.

I was so happy to see them. All resplendent in their outfits. So young and vibrant in their chosen identities.

I was smiling my subtle grin, the one I wear when I want to be seen grinning.

The gaggle of dark but vibrant young ones see me, and one goes to me “…he thinks you are cute!” The other says “…I didn’t say that…”

I say nothing but grin wider. I smile harder, they giggle and laugh.

Such a wonderful happening.

I may have been “peacocking “ in my all white outfit and sandals. I may have been grinning too enthusiastically.

Sue me. ! Haha

:winking_face_with_tongue:

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1486

Who wishes we could be all within walking distance? We could all just hang out at a local cafe and chat?

I do.

So many cool things that I would love to just chat about.

All this “carefully not saying something silly online”

I have read 1984, and I will not be silent.

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