Andrew

Journals
1

It’s been a big weekend of drama.

Richard :"Okay … is the addiction to being ‘me’ stronger than the addiction to escaping from being ‘me’?

I only ask because if the addiction to being ‘me’ is the more powerful addiction then successful escape is the last thing ‘I’ am looking for (and thus ‘I’ will keep on re-treading the known path, the familiar path, the path that does not deliver the goods).

Whereas if the addiction to escaping is the more powerful addiction then successful escape can (and will) happen."

The power of being a being is so very addictive.

The control one can exercise over other beings.

The control that one can blame others for.

Such a shitfest.

I broke up with my girlfriend. Then Alan, quite inconsiderately, dies.

I realised just how doomed being a feeling is to being a feeling. So reactive, so powerful.

I will remain single until, and if, someone who shares the goal of being free of the human condition comes into my life.

I have certainly had the drama i had to have.

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@Andrew wanting to escape the addictive pull of being is one part of the equation. Finding the actual world to escape into is the other. Otherwise this is just another game ‘you’ are playing where ‘you’ tell ‘yourself’ off for not achieving ‘actual freedom’.

Once you genuinely hit pay-dirt with pure intent through EE’s and PCE’s, it begins to do a lot of heavy lifting for you. It breaks the spell of ‘self’ which has you in thrall in a sense. You can begin to pull away from the gravitational pull of being, which is very powerful indeed.

I’d take a guess and say you need to focus on the second part.

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@Srinath cheers.

Yes, that makes sense.

I feel rather “solid” in a good way. I can see the big excuses i was making, and the escape routine i was keeping in place. (wait, wait, wait, for a partner).

Yes, i could certainly do with the spell being broken and something doing the heavy lifting.

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I wrote in a physical journal for the first time in years last night.

It looks like this year, according to the dates in that journal, is my 10th anniversary of being interested in actualism.

The big surprise is just how different it is nearly being 46, compared to how i feared being 46 would be.

The one, unsurprising, factor is attracting women. It’s really not that hard, yet, I see our human natures now far more clearly.

It is not worth trying to be what the ‘other’ wants. Even if i am attractive to some, what is ‘beneath’ their attraction is the same “gravitational pull” of being ‘who’ they are, as much as it is in me.

It’s like these identities ‘we’ are, float like feathers on the crest of powerful, deep and dark oceans.

Whatever ‘i’ imagine ‘she’ is, is invariably what ‘i’ want ‘her’ to be. Who she is in reality is an automaton like me. A feather tossed around by forces beyond my ‘ego’.

I still feel pleasantly solid.

There is a freedom in comprehending the out-of-control human condition, and losing any faith or hope in it.

There is power in it too. Possibly power over others, (though what a pointless pursuit!); far more usefully, power to choose something different.

6

So, here we are with a proper forum!

I can have a thread that doesn’t interrupt anyone else, and a space to explore.

Two things of significance have happened recently, the first was being single and being fine with that, the second is work, specifically where i work, is my choice too.

I have historically essentially “abused” the intelligence of this body. It really is outstandingly smart, yet i have taken the path of least resistance (emotionally) about what i do for a living.

The ability is there, always has been, to really maximise the intelligence aspect when it came to work. I could have been any number i high intelligence professionals. Had i not been emotionally incapable of “pushing through”.

Two things, two topics have been in my consideration.

One, the single status being fine with me, the second, finding the required impetuous to apply myself to getting out of the way of this bodie’s natural intelligence. To maximise this.

Specifically, sitting down and learning to code in the evening. I have opportunities which, while not immediately available, with a few years of work, would set me up in a better position.

I realised that i am a “hand to mouth” type. If anything is going to take prolonged effort to achieve (such as maximising the intellectual capacity of this body), i quit.

In this, there seems to be a 4th alternative, or maybe alternative 3A;, that is by considering how i may align myself with the actual intellectual capacity of this body, i am in effect, aligned with the actual. An alternative, in that , there can be being another way of imitation of the actual in addition to sensuous enjoyment.

This requires however, impetuous. Such impetuous seems available in the idea of revenge. Bare with me here… :rofl:

Passively being “hand to mouth” was and is very narcissistic. There is an entitlement in it for me. As in, why should i apply myself, when i can get things without this emotional effort?

However, i can see far better ways of earning money. But seeing is far from being enough. There needs to be a force in me, stronger than that, or perhaps, hijacking, that entitlement.

Instead of saving the world, which i am now immune too, bringing it down “from the inside”. By being aligned with the intelligence of this body, finding a drive to change to be more like the intelligence of this body. More sensible, more rational, more intelligent. ‘i’ am clearly not intelligent. ‘i’ have been in the way of intelligence ‘my’ whole life.

What am ‘i’ motivated by? Animosity and Anguish. What if i channel that? How would i channel it? It needs a target. an objective.

This isn’t about feeling good, rather getting out of the way of the capacity this body has.

‘fuck’ ‘them’. ‘fuck’ the ‘real world’. I am so conditioned to be nice. Yet, what did that get me? It was my training, not a choice.

If ‘i’ am to change, ‘i’ have to want it. An action of psyche is required.

It’s like discovering the power of the “dark side”. This requires all hands on deck. Not just the ‘nice’ me.

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A period of anger is needed to break away from a life time of being a narcissistic ‘nice’ guy, who really was squandering the intelligence of this body.

Each day, i get more inspired by the idea of “bringing it all down” from the inside.

Being ‘nice’ sucks. When that ‘nice’ is really just another narcissistic strategy of remaining me.

This is both about ‘her’ (all the ‘hers’) and ‘him’ (all the bosses). Bring them all down from the inside. Stop waiting for ‘them’. Stop believing in ‘them’.

Revenge. The ‘real’ world won’t know what happened. :smirk::rofl:

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I think that is the same as my ‘wizard!’

Similarly, over the weekend I saw that I could channel that toward becoming free: I need the wizard, for now.

Agreed that being nice is a lost cause: its root is cowardice

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Warning : somewhat “not quite actualism” content follows. Yet strangely good.

Why would ‘i’ give ‘you’ something which cost ‘me’ effort, for something ‘you’ have otherwise given away for free and costs ‘you’ nothing?

My black pen broke, so i am writing in red pen in my journal.

My Red pen is rather insightful. :fountain_pen::joy:

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If it benefits ‘me’ as well.

I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to. I don’t have to make any trade I don’t want to. The only reason to would be a social fear. Sacrifice doesn’t make sense.

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Excellent observation @henryyyyyyyyyy

Indeed.

‘i’ would do anything (and have) to remain ‘me’.

What a laugh :rofl:

12

So,

My plan to be on my own continues, with a twist.

I went to my ‘ex’ es place, as i otherwise care about her, and over two days, ended up having sex again. It was pretty good. But, the icing on the cake was when i was talking about my plans (to be alone etc), she said “so you just wanted sex!”. I was able to honestly say something like, “no, i would be happy if we hadn’t, besides you enjoy it much more than i do”.

That classic female accusation would have once been true about me. It’s really cool for it to not be true.

I would like to thank the Academy, Nature, and the AFT. [takes a bow and waves… exit stage left]

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13

In more depth, i can accurately feel the effect of being around others. How we share a psychic atmosphere.

Which is why, i will be single. Spending time, a lot of time, with someone, rubs off. Even though some of the rubbing is… quite good.

Unless i chose to prioritise my precious time, others will do it for me.

Being alone isn’t what i would prefer, but being together for the sake of it is silly.

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So, instead of just logging on an advising @henryyyyyyyyyy like some old washed up uncle, i will put myself out there too!

Today’s insight is that being angry can be very useful. Not at people, but at ideas.

The idea of the universe looking after me is worthy of this anger.

Of course, we can dig into it and say that our native intelligence is the universe, and as such, it is true. BUT, this isn’t what is happening in the idea that the universe is looking after me.

Faith. It’s universal in the ‘real’ world. For me, very specifically, it’s dominated my life.

@claudiu.s, about 7 years ago came up with the “slot machine” analogy. That if i can just keep putting “happy moments” into the machine, at some point it will reward me as a matter of course.

One could substitute “insights” into that picture. If i can just “see” enough of how i tick etc etc.

There is a cunning twist in everything here. How actualism is pasted over the normal.

Like when Christianity took over the pagan lands and all their pagan sacred days just got new names. Easter = fertility festivals, Christmas = whatever the fuck that pagan festival was.

Etc.

Faith is so much of what i do. So, how to “uncunning” this?

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Just do it like any sensible person would ; look after myself!

Stop waiting for the slot machine to bestow my much deserved reward.

Stop waiting.

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This is a bit funny because that is sort of how becoming free works: you ‘set up camp’ on the very edge of ‘humanity,’ and one day, if you allow it, the universe ‘picks you off.’ It’s not really ‘me’ doing it, in the end.

What ‘I’ can do is find the best slot machine… and have happy moments near-constantly.

But there’s always something for ‘me’ to do until freedom, some further identity to remove.

Richard told me about his theory of what could happen:

Once a critical mass of people become free via the actualism method (or whatever other ‘on purpose’ method gets invented), the ‘psychic web’ of humanity is too weak to maintain itself, and people start spontaneously becoming free, without ever knowing it.

He has an example of a woman he met who had a long PCE, but couldn’t remember ever not having the PCE. She didn’t even know she was in one. It just didn’t register. And then one day she went back to ‘human,’ again without noticing.

So the difference is, you & I know it. And we know that we can do something to make it more likely to happen, instead of just waiting for that ‘one day.’

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Woah that’s really something to think about, I always think about this, maybe not so much that because of me people will spontaneously become free but just that me becoming free makes it that little bit easier for others to do the same and on it goes.

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Actually what you wrote @henryyyyyyyyyy really got me thinking about everyone’s part in this thing. How each person becoming free is always a pioneer because there is no way to know, definitely whilst still a feeling being, how this whole thing will play out in the end, each person playing a pivotal role in something that will ultimately shift what humanity is. That’s really some crazy stuff, best thing is that we might all live to experience this play out, very exciting.

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19

No one willing does anything good for anyone or thing they don’t like.

I like myself now.

To do anything good for this body, i must like it.

If i had an old cat, with only one eye, and three legs, i would like that cat. Not because it is beautiful, or cute, or even its personality, i just like animals and their determination to survive.

This body isn’t the prettiest. Yet, all along it has been surviving. Repairing itself as best it can, like an old stray cat.

I like this body. I like that body.

I like some ideas. I like some things.

I like my car. I spend money and time on it.

I like my sons. I do what i can for them and give them the best advice i can muster.

I had the first experience of “tears of joy” tonight while walking in the park. Remembering the experiences of the past 7 years, and that i could not have dreamed of so many lovely times.

I remember Richard talking to me about his memories. That the actual Richard was always there, and he remembered the fun being had. He told me a story about swimming next to some island, maybe in a river, maybe in the ocean, with his son clinging to his back. Swimming in the fresh waters, with the sun shining and his son trailing off his shoulders. I remember doing this with my dad as a kid, and with my own sons at the beach.

I remember without sadness all the amazing moments over the past 7 years. I know they were full of pain too, but i don’t remember that right now.

I remember Red Square. Holding hands in Taiwan. Watching cartoons with a happy Sri Lankan girl. Laughing with my sons.

I feel like i am a million years old, and it was all worthwhile.

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I feel a lot of peace and enthusiasm these days.

Reading my programming books, going to the gym, working methodically at work, making intelligent decisions to get along with my manager.

I am really loving the lack of needing anyone.

Just the thought of dealing with someone else’s crap, has a repulsive element. Why would i spend my time with anyone who isn’t aligned with enjoying life if i really don’t have to?

There is a wisp of anger, but mostly just letting the facts be what they are; i cannot change anyone else, let alone the world.

If I can do anything for the world, then it is in these micro-moments of sensible living and enjoyment.

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21

WWAADN.

What Would Actual Andrew Do Now?

:joy::thinking:

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